Offspring: thoughts on the ones you had, or didn't have ...

I'll play the devil's advocate here: No, I didn't have children. I was always ambivalent. Besides, I was convinced I'd make an awful mess of it & would feel guilty forever. There have been times when I felt regret, but not any longer. You learn accept things the way they are & respect the decisions you made.

Two of my closest friends did have children, who are now around 20 years of age. As I observe how the off-spring treat their parents, I'm astonished: They (the parents) are constantly rudely put in their place, patronized, regularly slugged for extra $$$ & treated as though they they are being totally unreasonable & downright stupid at times. Now I KNOW it's normal for children to challenge their parents to find their own identity - that it's been like this for a long time. But it constantly astonishes me how my intelligent, responsible friends (the parents) accept this treatment as reasonable, & are grateful, almost!

At times like this I quietly think: thank god that's not me! No one else but a parent could love a person when they behave like this. Then I wonder: Did my own parents go through the same humiliation at my hands?

What a wonderful thread msolga and thank you for starting it.
I can now look back. My "children" are now 21 and 25 and they have grown into two of the most remarkable human beings I have ever known.

I was probably one of these very strange women who loved and cherished every moment of pregnancy. I actually wanted 8 kids and had names picked out for all of them. One of the reasons I didn't have more than two were that each of them were huge babies, 10 pounders and had to be delivered by cesarian. The doctor was going to limit me to three and since I had a son and a daughter, I felt I could not improve on that and quit at just two.

I wish they had come with manuals at times and not every day was a cake walk to be sure. For the most part, I raised them on my own after their father and I split up, so I got all the pre-teen and teen years to myself. That was an interesting era to be sure, especially with my very independent, outspoken, strong willed daughter! I swore there were times she was going to be the death of me!

They were both so different in personality, but loved each other dearly from the very beginning. My son always was the perfect big brother to look out after his baby sister and somehow we all managed to survive the ordeal together.

They are two of my very best friends. I never re-married the entire time raising them. I honestly didn't think there could be anyone who could do as good a job as I. by myself.

The end of December marks some remarkably huge changes in our lives as a family together. You see, they still live me...until the end of the year.
At the end of this year, my daughter will be marrying a young man I could not have better hand picked for her. My son is leaving to spend 2 months with his father that he hasn't seen in 5 years and then leaving for the Army. I am leaving for Oklahoma on the 30th of December to be with and marry a man I met finally, after all this time that I felt worthy of me.

Pregnancy, childbirth, babies, children, teens into adults...I will say what I said the first moment I saw my son....."I'd do it all again in a heartbeat if I could just have that chance."

Ah, a satisfied parent, Lady J!

But (playing devil's advocate, again ) I wonder: do most well intentioned parents feel the way you do, regardless of what actually happens? Are the able to be objective about their children? And (speaking as someone who hasn't reproduced) are parents sort of programmed to feel this way about their children, to ensure their safe journey to adulthood? The two friends/parents I referred to in my previous post absolutely dote on their offspring. I look on & wonder ...

Very satisfied parent I are!

I see what you are asking and I have seen the behaviour you have described in many, many other families. Sometimes I feel in these cases that parents get into a rut where they feel they cannot say no to their children about anything. And kids pick up quick on that kind of thing.. The things that I always tried to instill in my own kids was, mutual respect, first and foremost, mutual honesty and unconditional love. I was always there for my kids to listen to them, to help or advise them (if they asked) and always give them a truthful answer. When at times we were dirt poor, they knew it and they respected that I worked for them everyday to keep a roof over their heads and food in their stomaches. We never had a lot of extras in our lives. In fact, with my divorce, due to circumstances I could not control, we were forced to walk away with basically the clothes on our backs and start an entirely new life with not eve so much as a couch t sit on.

I could not give my kids much but love and they never asked for more than that. Did they wish? Heck yeah....Air Jordan's and designer jeans would have been way cool. But they never asked! Even at Christmas time, I tried to make a little feel like an abundance and shared with them the spirit of giving a gift and not how much the gift cost.

I was speaking with my son tonight how tis will be the first time in 25 years that I have never been without him. H walked over to me and gave me a big hug and said, "I know Mom, it'll be my first time too, without you." So we talked about endings and beginnings of chapters in our lives and growth and growing up. I asked him if I could have done anything different in raising them, what would he have liked to see different. His answer was, "Not a thing"

I can't answer your question about other parents and their relationships with their kids. I have seen a a lot of mutual disrespect and unhappiness and where they grew in origins I cannot even begin to understand.

All I know is that my own two were gifts. The very best of gifts. They were of me, but not mine. They have always been themselves. They were entrusted to my care and I tried the best I could to do what I felt was right at any given time. Maybe I just loved them each for who they were, not what I wanted them to be.

I think I was very, very lucky.

We have three kids. Back when we were courting and then first married we both couldn't decide between having two and having three. We finally decided to go ahead and have the third. I don't regret any of it for a second.

All three of our children were born by C-section. After our second was born my wife's Doctor stongly suggested we stop. After our third was born he laid down the law. There are times I wish we could have had another....

The school here in the Company Compound we live in only goes through the end of 9th grade. After that the kids have to go out to boarding school. Each of our kids went off to school away from home three years earlier than if we lived in the States. They've all drifted apart from us - and from the dearth of e-mails and calls I get, from me a lot more than from my wife. If you do your job right as a parent you work yourself out of a job. You've raised independent adults who can stand on their own feet and don't need you anymore. But the sense of satisfaction in having done that doesn't make the empty feeling go away.

Lady J

You said:

I think I was very, very lucky.


I think you & your kids got what you deserved. Congratulations!

Yes. But it's sad that you see so little of them.

Good thread...I hope to be able to reflect on parenthood...someday!

Oh, good!

Oooh. I had two miscarriages before my son was born.

Not today. This is not the right day to think about this. Maybe some other time.

I always wanted to be a parent with at least 5 kids running
around. Unfortunately, we couldn't conceive at all and my
next best option was adoption.

The best decision I've ever made, and no regrets here.
Of course, my daughter is only 9 years old and we have a
long way ahead of us, but the ride is very interesting and
never dull, despite some sharp curves.

Among all the hats I wear, being mother is my absolut
favorite

Firstly, thank you msolga.





It always was for me too!

I'll be thinking of you today, Eva. Happy Thanksgiving......

No kids, no regrets. If we have a parenting jones to satisfy, we interact with our nephews and the cousins' kids - we love them and treat them like our own.

Our nephews will probably inherit everything we have, whenever the time comes. We know the older nephew (A___) better, as M___ was just born this year, but I have every confidence that our relationship with M___ will be as good as ours with A___. M__ is also overseas but we intend to be as involved with his life as we can, given the distance.

When it comes to A__, we try to keep up with his interests and encourage new ones, we always want to know what's going on with him, we're about as proud as his folks when he does good things (most of the time). I write him a letter every other week; I send him the kids' pages and a letter asking about his life. School, baseball, soccer and science fill his days. He's an interesting personality. If he goes to college around here (he's only 9, it's a little early to think of such things), we will be happy to have him here for holidays and the like. We were thrilled when he ran for Student Council Secretary (he lost, I demand a recount! :-D) and we get to tease him about his haircuts. He's just, ah, the coolest. And I bet M___ will be a joy, too (all we have are pictures right now, we hope to meet him soon).

What a great aunt you are, jespah! You remind me a lot of my sister and the way she used to interact and love and adore all of her nieces and nephews as well!.

Ain't much better than good family methinks.

I had a son with my first husband. When I remarried, I wanted to have some with my 2nd husband. (I always wanted four.) He had kids from his first marriage, and did not want any more. For a long time, I was very angry...........now I am glad tht we didn't have any more!

I knew from the start that I was too selfish to have kids. I've never...ever regretted my decision.

From the time I was little I always said I didn't want to have kids. Everyone told me I'd change my mind. As I grew older, everyone told me I'd change my mind. When I got married everyone told me I'd change my mind.

I never did change my mind.

Then, one day shortly after I turned 42, a young couple I know left their child here and never came back to pick him up. Overnight, I became a parent.

There are days that are every bit as hard as I imagined parenting would be. Some days are even harder than that. There are days that I dream my old life back.

But to see this little kid trust me so much has given me reason to trust myself; to trust that I can do this difficult job.

Something really took over - I don't know if it is what goes by the term "maternal instict - something I never thought I had - or if it something else. Maybe it is, quite simply, true love. Whatever it is, it is more powerful than anything I have ever felt before.

No regrets.

Ive two boys aged 6 and 8 and they are awsome ....most important thing in my life ,best thing ive ever done in my life