Needs advise about a friend

Reply Mon 1 May, 2017 06:33 pm
Hey there, I'm 25 years old male and started working in a company 9 months ago. When i started the training course, i became friends with one of the guys who started the course with me (also 25 years old male).We both still work there.
We are very different, i am pretty shy, introverted and have a few friends, and he is very confident, outgoing, extroverted and has many good friends. But at any case we became friends and started hanging out a lot together outside of work hours, i think he is a great dude and it seems like he also likes me a lot as a person, and we always help each other when needed and talk to each other outside of work hours. Also me and him are moving to a roomates apartment together (2 roomates, just me and him) in 2 months, and we also went to a 4 day vacation abroad together with another friend from work.

The thing is many times we have long silence moments which i don't know how to break, or it's just not an active conversation - this is how most of our talks in between work are, and when we are alone. and it was also like that sometimes on the vacation. Although we show each other a lot of respect and telling one another we're good friends, and we're also always there for each other in need, it seems like we are still closed with each other. Sometimes i try to joke or start a conversation but he doesn't respond much, or that i get the vibe that he thinks i'm a weirdo (maybe it's just me, because it's not about things he says, it's just a general vibe i am getting). I also met his other friends (not from work) and he met mine once or twice, and his friends were nice to me but again i got the vibe that they might think i'm a weirdo.
We talk alot about what's going on at work and had 2 or 3 deep conversations (about girls, about my disappointed for not getting promoted, about self confidence etc) and on these 2 or 3 conversations it felt like he is my brother, it just suddenly felt natural and relaxed to talk to him, although it was still relatively held back.

We're now moving to the apartment together, and i want to become better friends with him because i feel that altough we are different there is a huge potential for gaining a friend for life. But from some reason there are still long silence moments, and at least for now i feel i cannot be free enough, relaxed enough and be myself enough with him. And also him, although he is very extroverted it feels like he is a little held back with me, and sometimes i'm not sure what he thinks about me.

Although he keeps inviting me to things with his friends, and all the other things that feel like we're close, right now i feel like the base of the friendship is simply the fact that we like each other as people (although i'm not completely sure what he thinks of me) but i'm not sure if we just need time to open up to each other, or that there is something else missing.

I would be happy for your advice, thanks people!
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Reply Mon 1 May, 2017 07:36 pm
I'm going to qualify these comments by stating that I am a 37 year old male...

I think you are waaaaaaaaaay over thinking this. Your friend obviously thinks your alright or he wouldn't be hanging out with you and definitely wouldn't be your roommate.

A few things to consider:

Extroverts tend to have many, many friends and may or may not have those few best friend. Depending on your bud, he may or may not ever get there with you. You can't force or manipulate things so you can be better friends though.

My absolute best friend and I have been good work friends for close to seven years and that grew to last year where we had a few bonding moments that deepened the friendship to where we really think of each other as "best friends". I didn't know that, seven years ago, she and I would be best friends, it just developed over the course of time. I didn't do anything different with her than other friends or co-workers, some people you just establish a (this sounds cheesy) soul level connection with, it just happens.

"Silence is golden" Don't ever be afraid to enjoy the company of another in silence. You know you have a good friend when you can hang out and just enjoy each other's company without a constant stream of chatter.

So. Relax a little and stop "working" at making this friendship more than it is right now. Let it mature naturally. It will or it won't, either is acceptable.
Reply Mon 1 May, 2017 10:02 pm
I had a very, very good friend when I was in school. We were such good friends that we would not have a conversation and enjoy the comfortable silence.

In fact, we discussed the comfortable silence. They're rare and to be valued.

BTW, she and I are still good, good friends, 63 years later.
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Reply Sun 25 Jun, 2017 04:16 am
I disagree that you should n`t have to work at friendships. "Friendships" that work automatically either have to say more for a companionship, or for self friendship/self interest. It`s the testing/the work which establishes it as a genuine working friendship, not merely fanciful perception. My notion for genuine friendship is not merely that same measure one would apply for how well one gets on with somebody. The harder the work the greater the dedication to that person, and potentially at least, the greater the friendship. To enhance a friendship be noticed for all the best reasons. If the value of friendship were to be measured by its perfection my best friends would be a group of twelve year olds. I`ve never had a go at them and they have never had a go at me. Whilst it is very comfortable I would n`t consider them to be close friends, neither do I consider the passage of time to be a measure for anything in this regard.

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