Depressed...

UPDATE:
Started yoga this week. I really like it. At this point, I am still drop dead tired after a sesion rather than revitalized but I know that will come.

I am trying to think more positively. To appreciate and enjoy what I have. It might frustrate me to high heaven that my hubby doesn't do much around the house but I really enjoy the look on his face when he finds out I ironed his work clothes that night so he doesn't have to do it in the morning. Sick? yeah, i know.

Anyway, maybe this is just an upswing but I am feeling slightly better this week. Keep you all posted!

ok, update for you all. Had a nervous, psychotic breakdown last night. Woke up today with a headache and swollen face. So here is my Tuesday theraputic post. Hope I don't bore you all. :wink: And if I do, quit reading. :wink: This is gonna be a long one. I don't need advice today, guys, just a willing ear.

On the lighter side of things...sort of...I got it out last night and my husband admitted that he doesn't do a good job of showing me he loves me and appreciates me and that he isn't proud of it, nor does he like it. But (in his defense) he said when he gets home, he doesn't want to hear his name one more time or talk about work or do anything other than zone out. I have to respect that but it is so hard when all I want is 10 mintues of appreciation and affection. I never want to say anything because I don't want him to think I don't trust him or that I think he is cheating on me or that he doesn't love me enough. But I told him that sometimes I feel "under loved", rather than unloved. He didn't freak out like I thought he would. He said that everyone needs reassurance sometimes. This made me feel better. Ooo, one of my favorite songs just came on the radio.

Anyway, so I've decided that since I can't keep myself on a self-regulated yoga schedule, I am going to join a gym. Perhaps I will meet a friend there. I don't have any girl friends close by and it sucks. And where do you meet people after college? I feel very badly for those who are looking for someone to spend the rest of their life with. Must be hell. I feel very lonely though, and I can't rest my entire happiness on my husbands shoulders. I know that, but knowing and doing are two different things. I must learn to do instead of just know. I asked my husband if I have always been like this and he said yes....but he knows me and knows how to deal with it. He knows how to talk me down from the ledge. But how fair is it that he has to?

I was thinking last night and I think that perhaps I have PMDD. My husband pointed out that we tend to go through this once a month, even if it isn't as severe as last night. We go through some sort of trauma/drama resulting from my feeling "out of control" and emotionally raw. Hm. I wonder. The onset of my insanity is usually about 2 to 3 days before and lasts only those 2 or 3 days. But then again, I don't know if it is always like that.

I just feel awful today. Physically drained and emotionally barren. Can't do this all the time. I am going to lose it. I am going to start a mood journal so that I can talk to my doctor if things don't improve with a diet change (less caffeine) and more exercise.

My hubby and I have been together for 4 years, married for 1 1/2 (holy crap, has it been that long!!). All I want is to be happy. This sucks. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better.

I hope you feel better tomorrow too.

Back to Kristie's depression, the point of her thread:

Kristie, consulting a doctor is a good idea. Your depression and rage and guilty aftermaths are damaging both your marriage and your ego.

Finding some female friends is an excellent idea--as is setting up a situation where you mustexercise--or waste money.

Hold your dominion.

Thanks noddy. You always have a sensible answer. I think I will take a Tai Chi class or something like that. Something more fun then stepping up on a step stool 185 times.

Kristie--

Back in the '60's a lot of damn fools tried to annex Mystic Eastern Serenity onto Western Living. These attempts were doomed--in part because the damn fools were superficial damn fools.

Consider exploring the thought behind some of the eastern exercise regimes.

Also consider--remembering that I don't know either you or your volcanic rage on a face-to-face basis--a class in martial arts. Right now you don't sound like a woman equipped to emulate a lotus flower--you sound like a woman who needs a stringent workout within the limits of an enduring tradition.

Quite possibly your metabolism would be perfectly balanced in a backwoods culture with lots of wood to chop and water to carry. Some people just need to grapple with physical reality in an upclose and personal way.

I don't really have any rage, just emotional outbursts. Fits of crying and whatnot. I don't get mad. I get sad.

However, I do believe that you are right in saying my energy needs to get out. I think that while I enjoy yoga a lot, it just isn't working because I have too much energy. Perhaps a Tai Chi class twice a week and yoga once a week. That might help me center if I get all my anxious energy out first,

I am not a psychiatrist, but I have read that tears may be a safety valve for repressed rage.

Lacking local mountains that you can physically move on a daily basis and remembering that dragons are probably a protected species, think about martial arts as a weak substitute.

Really? Wow. I don't know what I would be holding in. I've always been an emotional person...just not this emotional. There was a period of time where I managed to be numb. Didn't cry or anything. Perhaps I am making up for it now?

Very possible, Kristie. I've been there.

I'll second Noddy's suggestion about martial arts. It takes about two lessons to get over the "unladylike" nonsense and begin letting yourself go. In addition to providing a good outlet for expressing anger and frustration, it increases self-confidence and self-control as well. And of course, nothing is better for depression than forcing yourself to get moving.

Oh...one more thing. Watch your sugar & salt intake. Too much of one causes a craving for the other, and it creates a cycle that results in depression (or exacerbates it.) Fresh fruit can often break the cycle of sugar/salt cravings.

And...if this isn't WAY too much advice for one post (!)...DO talk to your doctor about this. Don't just assume it's all in your head...there's a physical reason for it, and there are things meds can do that will help.

Have you ever heard of PMDD? Premenstrual Dysmorphic Disorder. I am wondering about it....

Hi Kristie,

Hope you are feeling better. They say misery loves company, so here I am.
Actually, I think I'm a bit worse off than you. You sound like me 10 yrs ago; but don't worry, I think the kind of downward spiral I've experienced is not all that common, or at least not any more likely than recovery. I think in your first post you said something about knowing yourself to be 'attractive, smart, funny, loving'. I used to think that about myself, but I think I have just come to the realization that I'm just physically attractive and that's about it. In fact, I think I can just about trace every supposed accomplishment of my life back to some guy wanting to have sex with me. I also have a pretty piss-poor view of human nature right now. I used to think that most people were basically good, but no longer. I've also developed a rather fatalist/determinist sort of stance on most issues.

I've been in therapy for a while now. I do like my therapist and respect her very much... She really helped me over my post-partum sh*t a couple of years ago. I'm on meds and I hate 'em. I think they've lost their effectiveness. My case pretty neatly fits the 'stress-diathesis' model of depression, but I don't think etiology necessarily helps with treatment.

Well, good luck. Follow all the kind advice here and I'm sure you will feel better.

Primergrey, I truly hope you feel better too. I know that I will get this under control and take my life back. I know this because I want it that badly.

Please don't give up. I can't offer any advice you haven't already heard. I don't have the answers. I wish I could come up with something that would change your life but I can't. All I can hope for is that one day you'll wake up and that morning will be different. You will have a new outlook or a new motivation. Or maybe you just feel a small sense of peace that wasn't there before. Misery does love company but I wish that I didn't have so much company.

At least smile once today and know that you are never alone. When I get all crappy feeling I usually post here and someone (either Slappy, Cav, Eva, panzade, shewolf, noddy,soz or jpin...I know I am forgetting someone ) makes me feel just a little bit better. Everyone brings it in their own way.

Thanks, Kristie.

Kristie... I like your new avatar... very sexxxy.

Kristie, I have heard about PMDD, and my sister suffered from it for years. It's no laughing matter. She resisted going on antidepressants, but when she finally did, they gave her a great deal of relief. Oh, and congratulations on learning how to deal with our little pot-stirrer here. Repeat after me...

LALALALALALALALA <fingers stuck in ears> LALALALALALALA....I can't hear you!!!

jpin, i wish I looked like that.

maybe after a few months at the gym not only will I feel better but I will look like my avatar naked! YEAH!

My wife and I went through a very similar experience after the birth of our 1st child, neither one of us realized what it was at the time and it almost destroyed us. Eventually she went to the doctor and they put her on prozac... I don't know what drugs you were "hopped up on" but this one seems to have done nothing at all except turning her into the girl I married again. The only down side is her sex drive, is now non- existent but trying other meds has not worked and she is back to Prozac. It is not a perfect solution but it is better than the depression…

K:

All our emotions are with us for a reason. They are neither right/wrong they just are. It's ok to feel sad, lonley and even depressed when appropriate.

Attitude is everything. If you are ready to begin, start by being nice to yourself. You made a list of quite a few good qualities, and it seems to me by reading your posts, you seem pretty intelligent and reasonably stable.

Perhaps hormones are playing a part in this, but before you diagnose a syndrome, you might want to look at the so called common sense issues many people OVERLOOK. Are you getting enough SLEEP? (Really)
Is there an outside SITUATION that you might be feeling blue about an not reconginze, (HOLIDAYS). IS your DIET in Balance, sometimes we need a # of minerals and vitimans due to changes in our bodies, lack of nutrients in todays soil, etc. CHECK B Vitimans. Age sometimes brings previously unnoticed problems. You might have your Blood Pressure/Sugar checked.

You mention MEDS--Meds are usually designed for a TEMPORARY uplift or stablizing and many times are continued too long when what we need is coping skills.

If you put yourself in an externall positive enviornment, things often improve. Think back, Got any uplifting music in that CD collection, Call cheerful people, go outside and revel at nature, Stay away from the negative as much as possible (don't watch the news if it makes you sad), etc. You mention your family, do you love them, remind yourself WHY. Take comfort in your husband, he may not can fix it, but hugs often make us feel better.

TRY IT ALL, it may NOT Help, but I promise, none of it will harm you. Let me know how it turns out. LOL

Oh my,
i cant believe I have not seen this thread. I am sorry I have not jumped in to help Kristie.
It is cool, wierd, and can be very helpful that we seem to go through the same things.
I had a thread reciently.. about the same thing.
Instead of repeating it here and derailing your thread, i will PM you .