Don't be like me. Stop and right your ship.

Don't be like me.

There's one caveat to what I'll say below. If you're in an abusive relationship, start your exit plan. Put money aside, build your network, seek dedicated resources like shelters if things are particularly bad. This post isn't for you.

For everyone else...

If you're considering an affair, stop and cut off all communication with the person you may be considering as an affair partner.

If you're in an affair, end it. Your spouse or the other spouse are likely flawed but also unlikely to be malicious people. They've probably been loyal even in the face of an unhappy marriage. It's too easy to demonize the non-affair spouse when all that are guilty of is lack of emotional awareness and neglect.

The formula is pretty simple...

- again, if you're being abused with no sign of hope, get out before embarking on another relationship if you can, but I won't begrudge you the company of another to help bridge the gap to happiness
- the rest of you, you probably haven't worked hard enough on your marriage. It's possible that you have, but you probably haven't. Get individual counseling and marriage counseling. Figure out where you are both stuck. Stop doing the things that make the other feel devalued and start doing the things that make them feel loved and above all respected.
- if you have done all you can to save your marriage, build a support network of family and platonic friends, even a therapist and start down the path of divorce. Make a clean break, then you can embark on a new relationship. You'll be able to hold your head high knowing you tried your best.

It's really the straightforward, but by no means easy.

Why am I telling you this? Because I've been in a two year affair and have reached a point where things have become so painful that the truth has been laid bare to me. I've found that the biggest deceptions we commit in most affairs are the deceptions against ourselves. If you have a chance to reverse course, do it now. It will be painful but you won't regret it.
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