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In an affair, jealous of his wife

 
 
Reply Sun 19 Feb, 2017 04:21 am
We dated in high school and reconnected via a mutual friend on Facebook. He contacted me and we immediately clicked like no time had passed. We have been in an affair for almost a year. He says he stays because of his kids. His daughter really (she is 14). His son is in college. They have been married for 23 years! I am 49 he is 48. I am madly in love with him and he tells me how much he loves me and needs me. He says he cannot predict the future but we could end up together after his daughter is out of the house.

I just would like some comfort I guess. I have NOBODY to talk to about this and it's so hard. We text daily and email at night. I either drive up to see him (he is 6 hours away) or we fly and join each other on a business trip. We see each other atleast once a month. He calls 2-3 times a week and we talk for about 30 mins. He sent me a dozen roses for Valentine's Day and Shari's Berries. He treats me like a QUEEN when we are together. He is like the perfect boyfriend/partner except for this one small issue...........

I have been super jealous of his wife. I don't know why. He never talks bad about her - won't. It's like she doesn't exist.......but she does in my mind. It has been the source of our only arguments/break ups. My jealousy that he sleeps in the same bed with another woman every night. Even though he tells me they have not had sex in over a year (basically right before we got together sometime). I still get SO jealous. I am a recovering alcoholic and have been in abusive relationships my whole life. So I get very emotional and jealous at times. I'm twice divorced with 2 grown children.

Any suggestions on how to get past my jealousy over his wife? I really do see myself with this man forever. No matter how it has to be.
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Type: Question • Score: 40 • Views: 12,790 • Replies: 71

 
centrox
 
  4  
Reply Sun 19 Feb, 2017 04:33 am
@intoodeep,
intoodeep wrote:
Any suggestions on how to get past my jealousy over his wife?

The only way you will stop feeling jealous of his wife is to stop having an affair with her husband. That jealous feeling is the price you have to pay. There is no getting around this. If you think otherwise you are deluding yourself, which brings me to...

intoodeep wrote:
I really do see myself with this man forever.

...further evidence you are separated from reality in your thinking. If, one day, pigs start flying, and he leaves his wife and marries you, you'd just be taking her place and he's get another woman on the side. He'll make the same promises to you as he is making right now to his wife, and he'll make the same promises to his next mistress as he is making to you.

Get real.
intoodeep
 
  -3  
Reply Sun 19 Feb, 2017 04:45 am
@centrox,
I thought this was a forum for people who are in affairs?
0 Replies
 
centrox
 
  6  
Reply Sun 19 Feb, 2017 05:46 am
It's a forum for anybody and everybody. That will include, clearly, those who have been in affairs, those who have been affected by affairs, and those who know (or are related to) such people. Hopefully these may contribute based on their experience and what they may have learned. I have been in all of those groups. I am not just talking out of my ass.

intoodeep
 
  -4  
Reply Sun 19 Feb, 2017 05:54 am
@centrox,
Ok well thanks but no thanks for your response to me. That offered me no comfort or help.
centrox
 
  5  
Reply Sun 19 Feb, 2017 06:05 am
@intoodeep,
intoodeep wrote:

Ok well thanks but no thanks for your response to me. That offered me no comfort or help.

Oh. Right. Only the answers you want to see are OK. What do you want people to say? If you feel jealous, just take 125 mg Maalox daily? This is real life, not some story where you can write a happy ending.
0 Replies
 
intoodeep
 
  -3  
Reply Sun 19 Feb, 2017 06:17 am
@intoodeep,
IF there is anyone out there in my situation and reads this. Please private message me. The "other woman" gets hurt too and I would like to talk to some who are going through the hurt I go through. I have ignored Centrox.
PUNKEY
 
  4  
Reply Sun 19 Feb, 2017 07:58 am
No wonder you are jealous! She has him and you don't. The amount of time he spends with you is just a slice of his life with them.

Why is he seeking something outside his marriage? You don't know anything about her.

Does he talk about the future with you? If not then you are the other woman and what you get is what its going to be.

No advice; see things clearly and keep reviewing the 12 Steps. Especially the first one.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 19 Feb, 2017 08:40 am
@intoodeep,
You are involved with a married man who is living with his family.

It makes sense that you are jealous of his wife. She has what you want.

Have you seen a counsellor to talk this through with? I recommend it.
intoodeep
 
  1  
Reply Sun 19 Feb, 2017 08:52 am
@PUNKEY,
He said he just wanted to talk to me after all these years. But fell back in love with me. He said that he can't talk to her the way he does me and that she never wants sex. But, swears that sex is NOT what this is all about. It's about him needing me.
intoodeep
 
  1  
Reply Sun 19 Feb, 2017 08:54 am
@PUNKEY,
The wierd thing is they never do anything just the two of them. Everything that he does "with her" ---- always involves one of their kids (or both). He meets them at sporting events, they rarely ever ride together, etc.
intoodeep
 
  0  
Reply Sun 19 Feb, 2017 08:55 am
@PUNKEY,
Yes, he says that he will never leave me and will always want to be a part of my life not matter what. We joke about being old and still together seeing each other as old people.

He has told me that there is a possibility of us being together down the road, yes.
0 Replies
 
intoodeep
 
  -1  
Reply Sun 19 Feb, 2017 08:57 am
@ehBeth,
The wierd thing is --- I am a professional, have my own home, etc. I don't know that she has what I "want". I want him yes. But, I do not want their life.
0 Replies
 
intoodeep
 
  -1  
Reply Sun 19 Feb, 2017 09:22 am
Just forget it. I have tried to delete this post and this site won't let me. I don't want to hear anymore from anybody on this. I was not expecting this. I've heard all this before from my friends.

centrox
 
  5  
Reply Sun 19 Feb, 2017 09:31 am
@intoodeep,
intoodeep wrote:
He said that he can't talk to her the way he does me

AKA "my wife doesn't understand me", the oldest line in the book.

intoodeep wrote:
swears that sex is NOT what this is all about.

Don't take my word for that being bullshit. Tell him you can't have sex because you have chlamydia, or a polyp, or something, and see how often he comes around after that.
centrox
 
  5  
Reply Sun 19 Feb, 2017 09:32 am
@intoodeep,
intoodeep wrote:
I've heard all this before from my friends.

You don't say! Really?
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  4  
Reply Sun 19 Feb, 2017 09:42 am
@intoodeep,
intoodeep wrote:
I was not expecting this. I've heard all this before from my friends.


you are surprised that strangers say the same thing as people who care for you?

that may tell you something right there
intoodeep
 
  -2  
Reply Sun 19 Feb, 2017 10:00 am
@ehBeth,
There are other women out there in my position. I KNOW that for a fact. I would like to talk to them and see how they get through it. But, I can see and have found from looking online - there are zero support forums for the other woman. I made a mistake posting here.
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Sun 19 Feb, 2017 10:02 am
@intoodeep,
Interesting take on it.

I think people are trying to take care of you - but not in the way you'd hoped. I understand that can be frustrating.
0 Replies
 
CoastalRat
 
  6  
Reply Sun 19 Feb, 2017 07:32 pm
@intoodeep,
Personally, my thoughts would match what others are saying. But let me try to put this in a different perspective that may help.

He is telling you that "maybe" you two can be together after his 14 year old daughter leaves the house. Trust me when I tell you, if he and his wife are having problems that caused him to go outside the marriage, his 14 year old daughter is more aware of the problems than he may think. She will not be traumatized by her parents splitting up. He is feeding you a line that you are buying. So may I suggest asking him two questions.

1. Why do you need to wait for her to leave the house if your marriage is so terrible? Wouldn't your daughter be better served seeing you in a healthy and thriving relationship as opposed to the kind you claim to have?

2. When you say you are waiting for your daughter to get out of the house, does that mean in 4 years when she is ready for college or does not mean not until she is out of college and fully on her own? Putting it another way, are you willing to wait 4 years, until you are 53, to find out if he is going to honor what he is telling you? (And you did notice he said the two of you "could" end up together.) Give up 4 years of your life waiting for him if you want, but it sure isn't what I would suggest for you or anyone in your situation.

3. How exactly is your daughter so fragile that you don't believe she can handle a split between her parents? After all, millions of kids younger than she is seem to handle it well and grow up to be normal adults.

Personally, I'm not sure why you would think so little of yourself that you would allow him to use you as he is doing. EVEN IF he is in love with you, he is still using you. Your friends tell you that. And now a lot of total strangers who have no stake in this are telling you the same thing. Don't you think maybe, just maybe, everyone is seeing things a bit more clearly than you are?

Quote:
I made a mistake posting here.
No, your mistake was getting involved with a married man.
 

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