43
   

In an affair, jealous of his wife

 
 
intoodeep
 
  -3  
Reply Fri 24 Feb, 2017 09:55 pm
Life is good.
Havetobeme
 
  1  
Reply Sat 25 Feb, 2017 08:00 am
@intoodeep,
I'm new here. I have a very similar situation. I understand completely how you are feeling. For the record this is one of the forums that comes up when doing a google search to chat with others about affairs. To those of you replying that you don't like this topic then don't reply, ignore it. I too have anxiety & depression from it as well. I'm in counseling and my counselor has helped me tremendously. First, Love comes in all shapes, sizes and forms. My advise is if you can focus on the love, enjoy those moments in the moments. That applies for when you're not with him as well. Keep busy, active and do things you enjoy when you're not with him. Jealousy, guilt, etc are all part of this type of relationship it can't be avoided, or least I haven't figure out how to not feel all that either. But in my case at least we love, care for and take care of each other. I have someone who may not be mine full time or in the traditional way but it's the best love and no one has ever cared for or taken care of me as well as he does. So all those negative emotions are hard this is still the best anyone has cared for me. If you're not getting enough fulfillment from this relationship to out weigh those hard/tough times maybe slowly start to think about is this really the right person for you? Are you getting enough good from the relationship to make up for the bad parts? I still struggle too, it's been 4 yrs for me and I've accepted that nothing is going to change for us but I have a full rewarding life otherwise and he loves me, treats me well and cares for me more than anyone else ever has. Just know if this is the relationship for you it's not easy but you're not alone.
intoodeep
 
  0  
Reply Sat 25 Feb, 2017 09:40 am
@Havetobeme,
Thank you! I sent you a PM with my information. Would love to get to be friends.
0 Replies
 
Tiger81
 
  2  
Reply Sat 25 Feb, 2017 10:02 am
@Havetobeme,
Wow, I really needed to read this! You have helped me put things back in perspective, thank you Smile
0 Replies
 
Lulubelle65
 
  1  
Reply Mon 5 Jun, 2017 01:27 pm
@intoodeep,
Your a feckless eejit....
0 Replies
 
Emily66
 
  2  
Reply Fri 30 Jun, 2017 04:16 pm
@intoodeep,
Dear introdeep,
I deeply symapthize with you. I have been there and I have had the same feeling of wanting to be with this person forever. I could humbly feed on the crumbs that fell from the married couple's table, knowing that I was not really in a position to make great claims, I went on stolen moments, interrupted telefone calls and a lot of loneliness, nights, wekends, holidays. I thought time will make my love so apparent and so overwhelmingly convincing that it will just play out - somehow. I wished him t find happiness, not to poses him, But yes I hoped that happiness would be with me.

But fact is, almost all men who haven't made up their minds until at least half a year into the affair, are always less likeley to leave their marriages as time goes by. Reasons always sound compassionate and considerate (kids, their wife would be broken etc.), but they are not compassionate towards you.

You are the one who gets to stand as the lonely observer on holidays, valentine's day, christmas, family vacation trips. You are the outsider and she is blooming in his presence. She is the one everybody will feel for when things break apart and you are the one who will be blamend. If he hasn't told his wife yet, just wait for the momennt she finds out. It will be a crucial moment: Is he willing to stand by you or will he cast you aside in a minute, telling you things would have to change from now on and he just can't bring himself to leave his kids and hurt his wife. He isn't that kind of a man.

I think the only chance is that you set him a dead line. If you really feel he is the man you want to be with, tell him to give you certainty and take definite steps within - lets say - half a year. If he doesn't he'll always have an excuse. You will always feel more hopeless, the status as it is, the longer you accept it, becomes almost more comfortable for him and - one big thing: Your relationship honeymoon is expiring day by day and getting more ordinary, until he sees no difference between what he's got and what he's about to have.

But when you set an ultimatum you have to be ready to take two extremes: either immediate withdrawal. Or the opposite, he really changes his life for you. In that case be prepared for anger by his wife, rejection from his friends, grudges from him, at least tons of grief for a while, fear he might run off one day to return to his family and, who knows, when everything is over, he might find another woman, a fresh and innocent person, one who wasn't the one who made him break up with his life.

Statistics is almost 100 % against your hopes. It sure happens, but it happens very rarely that happy relationships come out of betrayal. I am not prude. I just know.
0 Replies
 
Ladybird78
 
  4  
Reply Tue 4 Jul, 2017 11:26 pm
It is a fact that most men will not leave their wife. He tells you he loves you, becasue that is what you want to hear. If his marriage was that bad he would leave it. Dont believe everything you hear about his wife and home life. People in an affair rewrite the entire history of their marriages to justify to themselves and to their affair partners of why they are having an affair and to help with guilt. If he said good things about his wife and home life would you. He probably told you his marriage is over and staying for kids is a cop out..

If his wife finds out you will be thrown under the bus

0 Replies
 
OldWise1
 
  3  
Reply Wed 9 Aug, 2017 05:09 pm
@intoodeep,
Sorry to seem like I'm yet another jumping on the bandwagon but I agree with CoastalRat. Staying together "for the kids" is one of the silliest excuses around. Children are resilient and more importantly, are able to understand the concept of happiness. Most family members just want to see their loved ones happy. The tragedy of staying together and unhappy (thus causing a horrible atmosphere for the children) is a lot worse than the initial upset that a divorce will bring.
0 Replies
 
EYENURSE
 
  2  
Reply Thu 10 Aug, 2017 09:48 am
@intoodeep,
He's not treating you like a "Queen", he's treating you like a cheap prostitute. If you "loved" you, he would be WITH you. Of course he doesn't talk about his wife, because he feels quilty and doesn't WANT you to know anything about her. I feel very sorry for you. End this crap and end it now.
0 Replies
 
EYENURSE
 
  1  
Reply Thu 10 Aug, 2017 09:49 am
@intoodeep,
You want COMFORT ?!?! Are you freaking kidding me ?!?! What you are doing is wrong. He's not going to leave his wife for a cheap piece of stank on the side.
0 Replies
 
EYENURSE
 
  0  
Reply Thu 10 Aug, 2017 09:55 am
@ehBeth,
How they get through it ?? They leave the attached man and find someone who is physically and emotionally available. This man has been married 23 years. He has 2 children, one grown and the other almost grown. HE ISN'T LEAVING HIS FAMILY FOR YOU. After 23 years they undoubtedly own a home together and investments. In a divorce, he is going to lose half of everything he has worked his whole life for. Trust me, he isn't leaving her, you're just a cheap piece of sex. Get out of this while you still can. Don't give such a selfish man anymore of your time or anything else. Perhaps one day you will meet a great guy and get married ( and then he will cheat on YOU ) Karma is a bitch. Trust me, it really really is.
0 Replies
 
misslny
 
  -2  
Reply Wed 16 Aug, 2017 11:24 pm
@intoodeep,
I am sorry that the people who responded in this forum are super annoying. You will get that anywhere on the internet. I am surely going to get blasted for calling them annoying lol. and I don't care. come at me!! haha. I read your story and I completely understand your perspective. I am not in an affair, nor have I ever been, but i am not a sheep and don't adhere to social constructs. I, however, am in love with a married man. It cannot be helped..i have loved him for 10 years. He is my ex. I haven't spoken to him or reached out to him..but the love remains. that is how i know it is real. I think often about contacting him on facebook, but don't know if i have the guts or if he hates me. So, in that case, you are lucky. he doesn't hate you at all. I don't know what i can say that is a comfort except that..you are following your heart, even if it is somewhat self destructive. I just want you to be good to yourself. If he says you may end up together..that would worry me. I feel that a man who loves a woman would rearrange everything for her, even if it's super painful. I am not saying he doesn't love you..I am just reflecting on what you have said he has said to you. I also am not really buying that he hasn't had sex with her in a year (but anything is possible. What i would do, if i were you, is keep him at bay. Date a little..see if it bothers him. Don't make him your number one priority (he hasn't made you his)..don't put your life on hold. Keep your heart open and love him like it's something to do when you are bored. I read that in an article once..men love that ****. they don't want you to "need" them. In other words do YOU. We only live once, and it may sound selfish, but if you love him that much----make love with him sometimes. But don't count anyone else out. Have the best of both worlds too. Even if you love him so much that you can't see yourself with anyone else..trust me there is someone out there that would do a lot more for you. And who knows---maybe once he sees you don't "need" him and that other guys could take his prize..he may shape up! Guys are highly motivated by loss and missing someone. Let him wonder what YOU are up to! and ignore all the scorned wives in here lol.
0 Replies
 
alligator
 
  3  
Reply Mon 9 Oct, 2017 02:14 pm
@intoodeep,
Hi. I am in the exact same situation. Exact. I'm so tired of being miserable and then so darn happy. It's not good for us to feel so jealous and insecure. Terrible emotions! I'm working with a pretty competent therapist and must build my future without this pain, and without him. Good luck. You can do it too! And so can I!
Hb122
 
  0  
Reply Thu 2 Nov, 2017 12:04 pm
@intoodeep,
Why are people so judgemental of another person no matter what situation is
0 Replies
 
Hb122
 
  0  
Reply Thu 2 Nov, 2017 12:05 pm
@intoodeep,
Why are people so judgemental when someone put up their story looking for some advice
Hb122
 
  0  
Reply Thu 2 Nov, 2017 12:07 pm
@intoodeep,
How do I private message you
newbiemistress
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Nov, 2017 05:37 am
@Hb122,
because affairs are wrong, blah blah blah. And yes they are.. but sometimes you cannot get out of a situation, because of abuse (that was mine at the time), or for money, etc.. And the FWB (friends with benefits) happen because you need to feel good; realize that you can have fun if you go through the big D.
0 Replies
 
izzythepush
 
  2  
Reply Tue 21 Nov, 2017 07:56 am
@Hb122,
Click on their avatar, that will take you to their profile where you have the option to send a message.
0 Replies
 
Hb122
 
  0  
Reply Wed 22 Nov, 2017 12:03 pm
@intoodeep,
I'm in same position
0 Replies
 
mike17son
 
  -2  
Reply Sun 26 Nov, 2017 05:53 am
So you want her to lie to him?
0 Replies
 
 

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