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My wife and a male coworker of hers, just doesnt feel right.

 
 
Monper
 
Tue 14 Feb, 2017 03:12 pm
My wife and i are in our late 20s. Weve been married for 5 years now. No kids yet. So way back before we got married, she use to date a friend of mine. But he was from out of town. i hung out a lot with her. I always had a crush on her but she saw me as just a friend. I used that friendship to spend more time with her and i won her over. She dumped her boyfriend for me. Something i notice about my wife is she thinks all guys just want to be friends with her. So she lets them into her personal space. I took advantage of that in the past. Shes smart, successful, and very attractive. Most guys want that.
My wife works as a senior supervisor of something something at this 8 to 5 office job. When we have conversations about how was her day at work ive noticed she brought up this name "B" a few times. Hes this director of something at her workplace. His office is right next to hers. Theres like 4 directors at her workplace. All of them are over 40 except "B". Hes in his early 30s. Hes accomplished so much in so little time and hes really knowledgeable she says. She goes to him all the time when she questions something or need advice. Being serious here, everything she says to me about work goes through one ear and out the other but when she brings up "B" i do pay a little extra attention. She told me he went on vacation somewhere outside the US and took part in the barefoot marathon. Shes told me hes been all over the world. He speeds a lot. Got his 3rd ticket of the year. Hes single, no kids, no wife, no girlfriend. Oh hes so spontaneous. He volunteers as a ref for some little kids hockey league. He even took in a foreign exchange student for 2 semesters. From all my wife's coworkers, i dont think she notices that she talks about him the most. Sounds like she spends a lot of her time at work talking to him. So up to that point ive never seen him. Just heard about him. Lately every friday my wife has been going out to happy hour after work with her coworkers. She invited me and i joined. So i met a few of them just chilling and talking. And then here he walks in high fiving the guys. "B" is a pretty fit well dressed guy. And here im in my work uniform and a baby beer belly sticking out. Yes by this point i felt kind of threatened. Hes in better shape than me. More successful. My wife seem to connect well with him. Hes popular at the workplace. Not saying this because shes my wife but compared to the other female coworkers that showed up, my wife is the hot one. That made me even more insecure. My wife occasionally goes out to lunch with her coworkers. She has mentioned shes had lunch alone with B. She goes just about every Friday after work for a few drinks. Sometimes i catch her there after i get off. Everytime B sits or stands next to me and my wife and they talk and talk and talk. Makes me feel like a third wheel. He walked up to us and asked my wife to take a shot with him. Dude, hello. Shes married. Im her husband. He had a handful of other coworkers and he picked just my wife to take a shot with him. Trust me guys, i dont like the way he looks at her. The guy stares at my wife's eyes whens hes talking to her and doesn't blink. There was a friday i got off a little late. Showed up at their bar at 7. Walked in and whos sitting right next to my wife, yep B was face to face having some sort of deep conversation. I went to the bar and took my time ordering my drink while observing them before i decided to interrupt them. My wife and B seem to be constantly attached by the hip. Always in each others face. Does any of her other coworkers notice this? Are they all hiding something from me? Is there an office romance going on that i dont know of? One night i worked a little late. My wife got a little drunk and was not able to drive. Yep, B dropped her off at home. My wife has his personal cellphone number. I dont know if its professional to be exchanging cellphone numbers. They do text each other, i have secretly read some. It aint about work. "How was this movie?" "You going for happy hour?" "I do not like that guy on the bachlorette." "Black tie or blue tie?" Nothing sexual yet but sounds like hes indirectly inviting her out or gauging her interest. My wife is so innocent. This guy is sneaking in on her and she has no clue. I dont even think she knows shes attracted to this guy. She talks about him all the time. With a little alcohol in her system, she cant stop staring at him. I have asked myself, how far has it gotten? Is something going to happen? What should i do? I have talked to her about it. She says hes just a friend. I was just a friend too at one point and i ended up marrying her. Friends dont converse the way they do. Show up to a bar with friends/coworkers and they spend 90% of that time with each other. Once again I dont like the way he stares at my wife. And hes belittled me a few times in front of my wife. "Oh you should hit the gym with me" "im on my 5th beer, catch up lightweight." My work schedule varies. Sometimes i get off at 5pm, sometimes 8pm, sometimes a little later. But i always feel like on fridays i need to be there with my wife if she goes out with her coworkers. I dont want to tell her she cant go out. I dont want to tell her she cant be friends with guys. I dont want to be that guy. Thanks for reading my vent.
 
jespah
 
  4  
Tue 14 Feb, 2017 03:14 pm
Maybe start paying attention to the other aspects of her work when she talks about them.
PUNKEY
 
  3  
Tue 14 Feb, 2017 05:28 pm
Yup - it sounds like "superman" sure pays a lot of attention to your wife.

I wonder why he doesn't have a GF? Could it be that other women think he's a blowhard or a braggert - for sure a tease, really not able to commit to a relationship, but likes the tease/chase? He could be a confirmed bachelor, too or maybe he's gay and has found his "gay-hag."

TELL your wife you are uncomfortable with her meeting him and going to bars with him. And no personal texts, either outside of work related issues. That's not behavior for a married woman.

Change bars and agree to meet only each other. And pay more attention to her.

Don't berate yourself for how you are and what you look like. Instead, think of this as a wake-up call for some things you ought to be doing.




0 Replies
 
ossobucotemp
 
  1  
Tue 14 Feb, 2017 05:32 pm
@Monper,
Please, if you want people to respond, use paragraphs.

Most of us do not like walls of text.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  4  
Tue 14 Feb, 2017 06:18 pm
@Monper,
Sounds like he's her work spouse. Pretty common. Usually no big deal. Work spouse is not the same as office romance.

You might want to try listening to your wife generally when she talks about work - make conversation with her about work. She's interested in her career - try to be supportive - listen/respond.

Mr B is only an issue if the marriage is messed up. A strong marriage survives minor irritants like Mr. B.

__

Do you and your wife date? have you asked her out for Friday night dinner and dacing? You may need to work a bit to separate her from her regular Friday night drinks with work peeps but it could be worth the energy investment for you. And yeah, clean up and dress up a bit when you go to meet her - let her know YOU are interested in her.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Tue 14 Feb, 2017 09:22 pm
Jes and Beth, great minds think alike. She's at work and commuting to and from work more than half her waking hours, and when she talks about it with her husband it goes in one ear and out the other?
0 Replies
 
SinLeviathan
 
  2  
Wed 15 Feb, 2017 08:30 pm
@Monper,
I was in a long term relationship. Over 5 years. Eventually my girlfriend started talking about a friend of hers brother a lot in almost the same ways your describing. Short version is she ended up leaving me for him. I do want to point out that was just my personal experience and yours could be different. But I will say women do not like an insecure man. So even if your concerned stay confident and deliberate in your actions.
0 Replies
 
Iouman
 
  1  
Thu 16 Feb, 2017 12:03 pm
@Monper,
Women are attracted to successful, handsome men, and this guy is definitely moving in on her. Much like you did yourself years before this. Women are so easily manipulated by men like this and its only a matter of time. If this was happening to me, I'd get the guy's license plate #, address, etc. everything I could and run a background check on him.

Why you ask?

How is it that someone as successful as this has no family and feels the need to hang around with your wife? I bet there's more to this story that we know. Just don't lose your cool, also be proactive with your wife, and get out more with her. Preferably places with no phone coverage, no wifi, no internet, etc. get my drift?
Someplace out of reach of this guy.
0 Replies
 
Monper
 
  2  
Thu 16 Feb, 2017 01:43 pm
@Monper,
I'm a good husband. I treat her very good. I take her out. I know i am a very lucky guy. Sometimes i do feel she is too good for me. We get along great. We dont fight or argue. A woman like her is very rare. Unfortunately this other guy i believe he sees that too.
Iouman
 
  1  
Thu 16 Feb, 2017 01:59 pm
@Monper,
You sound like it, this guy acts like a shark, always circling and getting closer. Personally I've had to deal with people like this before and unfortunately it always ended up being confrontational, because they zero respect for boundaries.
0 Replies
 
Monper
 
  2  
Thu 16 Feb, 2017 02:27 pm
@Monper,
Sorry about not separating my post into paragraphs or any grammer. I was just typing what came to mind. Heres a few more instances i failed to mention.
I went over to my parents in law work on their furnace. Told my wife it might take me an hour or two. So she decided to go shopping. She came back and i was just finishing up. I told her lets get a bite, im hungry. She said she just ate. I asked what she eat. She said hotdog and nachos. That i thought was a little wierd. I asked her where she go to eat. She studdered and paused for a second. She said after she went shopping, she and a few friends from work went to watch a little kids hockey game and afterwards they ate at the concessions stand. Inside i was shaking my head. Of course "B" was there. And i really did wonder if it was just her and B there.

So sometimes i get off at 7-8pm on a friday. Ive noticed when i dont show up during her happy hour she drinks more. Shes never gotten drunk when i'm there with her. But those times i'm stuck at work, B ended up dropping her off at home 3 times already. One of those nights i asked her why she drink so much. She said she was playing darts and losers buys winners shots. Her team kept winning. My wife does not know how to play darts so i was a bit surprised. One friday night i arrived at their bar a little late. My wife was playing darts and her partner was B. Dont know why but i was shocked. I observed and saw B high five my wife and held onto her hands for a few seconds. That bugged me. A high 5 should be just two hands slapping. Later on B was telling me they've been winning every week. So this has been going on for awhile and B has been my wife's partner the whole time, something my wife failed to mention.

Usually after work my wife comes home and changes out of her business casual clothing. I have noticed a few times now i get home at 7 or 8 and my wife is still in her work clothes. It seems she just got home a little before i did. She always gets off at 5. But claims shes been falling behind at work. The 6 years shes been there she never had to stay late this often. And then i asked her what she wants to eat for dinner. She already ate, work ordered chinese. I have thought about driving by her work parking lot to see if shes really there and if its just her and B working late.

I had some event i went to. Dress shirt and tie. My wife criticized my style. Blue dress shirt. Black dress pants. Black dress shoes. I saw nothing wrong with that. Went to the store later that week. She wanted to buy new dress shirts, pink, green, and purple. And some slim dress pants. And brown dress shoes because it is in style right now. I dont like to look colorful. I have naturally thick thighs so i dont like slims or skinnys. And brown shoes to me looks funny with black dress pants. I thought about it, she wants me to dress me up like B. I dont think she knows that.

So while my wife and i was just dating. At that time we were in a serious relationship but not married yet. A male friend of hers called her up and asked if she was hungry. He wanted to try this new restaurant. She joined him and afterwards they went to watch a movie. When i found out i was really mad at her. But i know i shouldnt be. She didnt realize she just went on a date. We argued over it and eventually she felt that she messed up. He picked her up. Went to a fancy restaurant that served wine. He paid the bill. Went to the movies and he paid for the tickets and concessions. And he dropped her off afterwards. Wife is just too naive.

During the early years of our marriage, my wife went out to a friends birthday party at some lounge. I was on a business trip out of town. Not sure of all the details but a guy friend of mine asked my wife if she want to step out for some fresh air. My wife went with him and he tried to kiss my wife. Supposedly the kiss landed on her cheek when she turned away. But i yelled at my wife because i know her. She sends the wrong signals and puts herself into bad situations like that. No longer friends with that guy.
Monper
 
  1  
Thu 16 Feb, 2017 02:33 pm
@jespah,
Not sure if youre married or working, it would help to understand my situation. My wife comes home and usually the drive isnt enough for her to wine down. She comes home and vents to get it out of her system. Shes just trying to get out of that work mode and switching to her wife mode. When she starts talking about laws and tax regulations, accounts and balances. Im lost. I repair industrial refrigerators for a living. That stuff is beyond me. But trust me im listening to her, or at least pretending to.
0 Replies
 
FrankLee
 
  2  
Thu 16 Feb, 2017 08:19 pm
@Monper,
I have to say this doesn't sound good. I know that its very hurtful to see her doing these things. I would say you have a two phase issue.

Now, this first phase I'm going to recommend does not mean you are to blame for any of this. There very well may be something going on. It will just help to limit accusing her and pointing fingers and concentrate almost entirely on how you feel. There are some real red flags here, but just hear me out.

I think the first step is being honest with her again that you're troubled that she's spending so much time with B. If she tries to tell you there's nothing to worry about, tell her this is not about controlling her behavior but about feeling disconnected from you. Tell her it would help to try to re-establish a connection. If you wanted to push the issue in a more direct but respectful way, you could say something like "I know you've been spending a lot of time with him, if there is some need that he meets that I don't then give me the chance to listen, learn and grow and meet those needs". You can tell her that even if it's totally platonic, getting her needs met through a relationship with another man is a recipe for trouble. Again, don't give in if she tries to tell you it's nothing. Don't drop the topic and stay consistent and calm. Don't talk about what she does , like "You go out with him", "you flirt with him", etc. Just say you are trying to be the best husband you can be and it's important that she understand that you feel disconnected. You can get your point across without even mentioning B more than once or twice. If you feel yourself starting to accuse her, or badmouthing B, step away and collect yourself. You have every right to be upset, and quite frankly there may be something going on, but the whole conversation will start to go downhill if you are negative towards her or B. If you are persistent and keep focusing on how this is making you feel, you may find out the truth.

If she seems to respond and the red flags start to go away, become an expert in what fills her tank. If you haven't already read the book The Five Love Languages. Figure out the top 2 or 3 things that fill her tank and do those every day. Secondly, think hard about things that she tells you she doesn't like you doing - even ask her what bothers her about how you act - and stop doing those things immediately. Love and connection is like a bank account - loving acts fill the account, disrespectful and hurtful acts drain the account. When the account gets low it's bad news for a relationship.

On the listening thing, you're really going to have to work at this. She can tell you're not really tuned in when she's sharing her work stuff with her. I can tell you I have a female friend in the same boat - she's an office worker and her husband is in the trades. She tells me she can tell that he's not really listening and only pretends to just to keep the peace or get sex. I'm not saying that's why you do it but I can tell you that my friend is hurt by the fact that her husband isn't showing general interest. You're not a dumb guy, you just don't understand the lingo of her work. So what's the best way to show interest in that case? Ask questions. Ask what the words mean, if something is making her upset at work, ask what specifically about it gets her riled up, and then give her genuine support when she tells you. Use validating language "I can totally see why you would feel mad when Fred didn't get his reports done on time", etc.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Everyone has areas they can improve, but you don't deserve to be treated this way. I want to repeat, I'm not blaming you for any of it. I just think if you calmly focus on how you're feeling and keep the anger and accusations to a minimum it will get you a lot farther, even if something is seriously wrong. Good luck.

0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  3  
Thu 16 Feb, 2017 10:19 pm
You're right.

Brown shoes with black pants are a horrible idea.
0 Replies
 
Monper
 
  1  
Mon 20 Feb, 2017 08:27 am
@Monper,
I couldn't sleep Saturday morning so i snooped around my wife's phone. I found this picture. I cropped it to hide my wife's face. I'm not the guy in the background. Thats "B". Not sure whats going on in this picture. Not sure where she took this picture. I thought it maybe the office breakroom but he's dressed casually, not for work. I am hurt by seeing a picture of them together even though theres nothing sexual going on in it. I can feel a lot of jealousy in me building up. This jealousy is making me crazy. Was this taken at his place? Why was she there? I am going to bring this up with my wife this week. Just trying to figure out an approach. Hopefully its just a misunderstanding.

https://ibb.co/mddOYv
Monper
 
  -1  
Mon 20 Feb, 2017 08:28 am
@Monper,
https://ibb.co/mddOYv
niceguy47460
 
  0  
Tue 21 Feb, 2017 03:58 pm
@Monper,
hey bro do you have kik if you do text me at niceguy47460
0 Replies
 
FrankLee
 
  1  
Tue 21 Feb, 2017 05:10 pm
@Monper,
You'll drive yourself crazy unless you find proof of them sexting or some sort of hidden camera video (I don't recommend that). *Please* see my previous post. A heartfelt conversation around how this makes you feel may improve things or at the very least cause her to start to tell the truth
0 Replies
 
niceguy47460
 
  2  
Tue 21 Feb, 2017 09:52 pm
@Monper,
I would go to the bar on a Friday in in some things where they won't know who you are . maybe a hoody or a wig or something and just watch all night till they leave and then follow them to see what happens
Iouman
 
  1  
Wed 22 Feb, 2017 09:53 am
@Monper,
It looks like she's at a store, either a shoe store or a optometrist. The guy in the background looks like he's helping another customer and she's waiting for her turn. Were there any words in her text?
 

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