Reply
Mon 2 Jan, 2017 06:02 pm
I don't know if I was sexually assaulted or if I cheated on my boyfriend.
I went out one night with my best friends and a newer guy friend who had been taking me and my boyfriend out on his boat. I met this guy though a mutual friend. He was a pretty cool guy. He has talked to me about girls/relationships and he seemed to be interested in 2 of my friends he had met. One of those friends he had met for the first that night we went out. The night had started out really fun. We went to a few places to get drinks and play games. He spent a lot of time talking to my friend he seemed interested in. By the end of the night we were all hungry and we're suppose to find food but couldn't and we also weren't in the position to drive. We ended back at the place we started off with for drinks, also where his car was parked that happened to be a hotel. I had always wanted to stay at this hotel and we all didn't know what to do. I was extremely tired & said let's just get a room. I have many guy friends so I know how to share a space & sleep. The night took a turn for the worst once we got up to the room I remember plopping into bed and being ready to just pass out. I heard him & my friend making sounds. I could tell he was trying to get some action from her. I was on the end of the bed my friend was in the middle and he was on the opposite end. I can't tell if she wanted what he was doing to her but I remember at one point I threw myself around her as if I was spooning her from behind and crossed my leg over her body so he would hopefully stop and leave her alone. The night is a bit of a blur and some parts are blacked out. I don't feel like I even drank that much for that to happen to me. I know he gave me something to drink when we got into the room from the mini fridge I can't remember if it was water or another beer. I know at one point my friend in a final attemp to get him to leave her alone she went to the bathroom where I followed & she pretended to throw up. We both were discussing something about the situation. She proceeded to make herself throw up & he tried to check on us but I didn't let him in the bathroom. I don't remember if before this had happened I went to the bathroom then came out but sat by the sink where I couldn't be seen because I was trying to avoid the situation I sat down and had my knees pulled to my chest with my head down. He came to check on me and got me to go back to the bed. My friend pretending to throw up & to start crying from "feeling like **** and being sick". She was now on the end of the bed and I was in the middle trying to "comfort her". I tucked the second sheet under me so he couldn't touch me if he wanted to. He ended up pulling the sheet from under me & started to put his hands on me. I froze up, I didn't say stop, no, I didn't push him off me. I remember squeezing my friends shoulder trying to get her to do something, to help me. He started getting more involved with his penis out and his hands on me. I remember him thrusting on me and I was trying to discretely whisper to my friend " help me, help me, help me" while he was behind me touching me. I'm not sure if she was really passed out at that point. I remember he got up again and I tucked the sheet back under me again in an attempt to stop him & he again pulled it from under me. I wasn't attracted to him, I wasn't into him in an emotional or physical way and for some reason I couldn't be my normal tough self and tell him to get off, or no, or just get myself out of the situation. It seemed like he just wasn't going to stop and I gave in. I did things I didn't want to do to/with him. I just wanted him to be done so he would leave me alone already. It's been a few days since this has happened and I feel so guilty, I feel like I cheated on my boyfriend of 3 years, I feel dirty, sick, loss of appetite, I'm finding it hard to breath a lot, hard to sleep, I can't stop thinking about what happened. I want to tell my boyfriend. I'm scared he will just think I cheated. I never wanted anything from this new friend like this. I expected him to be a gentleman knowing me and hanging out with me and my boyfriend. I never saw him wanting to put his hands on me. He never showed any signs of flirting with me or anything prior to the hotel. I don't know how drunk he was but we talked for a little the day after. I'm sure that by my actions he assumed I was consenting but the whole time I was disgusted & just wanted it to be over with. I don't even remember when I fell asleep or even if I got sleep, I don't remember when it ended, I feel like I got 0 sleep as if I shut my eyes and opened them back up and it was already 7am again and he had his hands on me again & my bf called me so I jumped out of bed. I don't want to have sex with my boyfriend feeling so guilty & gross. I don't know what to do. We have lived together for most of our relationship. Im worried this will ruin everything. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to do something crazy because that guy goes into his work sometimes. I want to tell him now but also want time to pass but I know that would only make him more mad that I didn't tell him right away. I really don't know what to do. I'm not good at being a liar, & don't know if I was sexually assaulted or if I cheated on my boyfriend. I'm scared if he confronts this guy the guy will tell him how I seemed to be into it and did this and that even though I didn't enjoy any of it. It was just to get him to leave me alone that I gave in. I had a gross look on my face but he couldn't see. I just don't know why this guy had to come on to me like an animal and not take the hints from how me and my friend were acting. I still just feel like no matter what this is all my fault. This all makes me so sick.
@Confusedgirl1234,
Talk to your doctor ASAP. It's possible (although the longer you wait, the less and less likely this is) that you have DNA residue on you. Did this guy assault you? I would say you were incapable of consent.
Even if you don't want to go the legal route, there is certainly the possibility that you were exposed to an STD.
And beyond any of these things, talk to your doctor about counseling. And about drinking until you black out. These are red flags. Please pay attention to them no matter what happens in your relationship.
@jespah,
I know I need to get tested. I don't want to go the legal route. I just want to forget it ever happened and don't want to have to talk and talk about it over and over. I don't drink till I black out. That's never been me. I was pretty aware the whole night, I def feel like I drank the least because I don't like feeling hung over. I don't know if I blacked out in some moments because alcohol, or because the shock of it or what.
@Confusedgirl1234,
Sexual assault? No.
Was he suppose to read your mind? You didn't tell him to stop and let him have sex with you. You really didn't resist. No matter how drunk you were why didn't you just tell your friend you two should get an Uber home?
I call bullshit. Because why were you out with this guy without your boyfriend? If it was to keep her safe you failed because you had sex with him instead of her.
I bet you had attraction earlier in the night and only got creeped out after his attempts to have sex with your friend weren't going his way. But you let him have sex with you so you had to have at least wanted him.
Why would you be so passive when you had dozens of opportunities out? But you had sex with him because you wanted to. Now you feel guilty about that choice.
I wouldn't tell your boyfriend. It makes you sound horrible.
@Krumple,
I don't find him attractive and didn't want to have sex with him actually. I do feel like ****. Apparently I'm not the only girl who has frozen up when it come to a guy wanting to have sex with them even when they didn't want to have sex and they did. I don't know why that happened but it happened. This is someone I wouldn't have ever been involved with sexually or emotionally even if I was single. Also my boyfriend was at work. We were suppose to go on the night he was off but that "friend" bailed. So we went the following night. I asked my boyfriend to come out once he was off work but he didn't want to. I wish he had because he would've been the one to drive us home. Also only had 3$ on my card for a ride share and only 30 cash on me because I wasn't expecting to drink a lot.
@Confusedgirl1234,
Confusedgirl1234 wrote:
I don't find him attractive and didn't want to have sex with him actually. I do feel like ****. Apparently I'm not the only girl who has frozen up when it come to a guy wanting to have sex with them even when they didn't want to have sex and they did. I don't know why that happened but it happened. This is someone I wouldn't have ever been involved with sexually or emotionally even if I was single
Okay fair enough. You weren't interested. Yoy had an out when you were in the bathroom with your friend. Why didn't you take that out?
"I need to get my friend home shes really sick." Pick up phone, open Uber app, click, click, click.
You had an out before getting the room. Why did you suggest getting the room?
Did you ask your friend what her plans were? If she wasn't interested, why did she want to stay?
I'm not really buying your story. I bet part of you was interested.
@Krumple,
She was down with getting a room too. I have literally shared plenty of rooms and even my bed with guy friends in the past. Ones when I was single and actually was interested in the guy but still know/knew how to sleep to myself. We got the room and that's when she later was pretending to throw up after we got the room. Sharing a room didn't seem like a big deal. I'm an adult and he should've been an adult about it like I thought he was going to be. I slept on the opposite in of the bed for a reason but then my friend moved. She passed out or at least Ed acted like she did. I ask her the next day then she said she was really drunk and doesn't remember.
@Krumple,
And just because a girl doesn't say no, it doesn't mean yes. Our actions should've told him to give it up, back off, let us sleep. He wouldn't though. He didn't seem to be that kind of guy.
@Confusedgirl1234,
Okay so you were working on past experience that it wasn't necessary to tell this guy. "No sex, I just want to make that clear." And if he says okay but persists then it's assault. You were too passive with the sheet thing and the attempt to pretend a sickness.
Why didn't you tell him. You have a boyfriend and you aren't interested in having sex with him? Because that's the adult thing to do. If he then disrespects that it's clear assault. But you put up little to no resistance.
I have to apologise, you seem to have been protecting your friend from being assaulted and took one for the friendship. But you could have just as easily said no.
@Krumple,
Some of the things you're saying make it sound like you didn't read what I said. He knew I had a boyfriend. That's the first thing I said is he was taking us out before. Again I don't know why I froze up and gave into it. I really ******* don't know why. You don't know how you're actually going to act in a situation till it happens to you! I know I was tired as **** that night and don't recall some things. Had I ever known this guy was going to **** with us I wouldn't have put us in that position. He seemed like an adult I could trust to not bother with us and just sleep.
@Confusedgirl1234,
Confusedgirl1234 wrote:
Some of the things you're saying make it sound like you didn't read what I said. He knew I had a boyfriend. That's the first thing I said is he was taking us out before. Again I don't know why I froze up and gave into it. I really ******* don't know why. You don't know how you're actually going to act in a situation till it happens to you! I know I was tired as **** that night and don't recall some things. Had I ever known this guy was going to **** with us I wouldn't have put us in that position. He seemed like an adult I could trust to not bother with us and just sleep.
It sucks, I agree with you. But it's not assault and I wouldn't tell your boyfriend.
You froze okay. But take this as a life lesson to have an out when you are in a situation with an overly zealous horny guy you are not interested in.
You know like people plan for earth quake and fire drills so you don't die in them. You should have a similar plan for this kind of situation so you won't freeze up like that. So you can protect yourself and your friend.
My advice. Dont tell your boyfriend. You honestly don't seem to have wanted it. Itll only cause problems if you do. Tell him and it could end your relationship. I know honesty is a good policy but it never ends up rewarding you, you just get punished again.
You had sex with a guy you didn't even like and potentially lose your boyfriend over it. Double punishment for one act. Learn from this, there are at least five lessons here.
@Confusedgirl1234,
There was nothing enjoyable or pleasurable even for a second about that night. The whole time was disgusting. His body is disgusting, the whole encounter was disgusting. Even if I was single I would still be confused
@Krumple,
It's literally killing me keeping this to myself. I almost told him last night but his reaction to something I said made me not want to. Everyday since that happened I'm stressing out over it and it's making me sick already. I really also don't want him to lose his job if he sees the "friend" at his work and he goes after him because I told him. I don't know how to lie like this.
@Confusedgirl1234,
Confusedgirl1234 wrote:
There was nothing enjoyable or pleasurable even for a second about that night. The whole time was disgusting. His body is disgusting, the whole encounter was disgusting. Even if I was single I would still be confused
Why couldn't you be assertive? We're you afraid he would get violent? I know you say you froze but if you think he's so disgusting how could you not protest?
@Confusedgirl1234,
Confusedgirl1234 wrote:
It's literally killing me keeping this to myself. I almost told him last night but his reaction to something I said made me not want to. Everyday since that happened I'm stressing out over it and it's making me sick already. I really also don't want him to lose his job if he sees the "friend" at his work and he goes after him because I told him. I don't know how to lie like this.
You don't have to lie. If he ever asks you tell him it happened. Just tell yourself youll tell him if he ever asks until then you'll wait until he asks.
I find this so odd. You are dying to tell him it happened but you couldn't tell the creep no?
So you gave in to him and "did things to/with him" so he would stop?
What, there was not a chair in the room to go and sit in?
Why did't you girls stay in the bathroom and lock the door?
Look - you were assaulted , for sure. But proving that would be difficult since you didn't have a drug test.
What is your fear? That BF will find out?
Most likely he won't because there were too many in the room for him to even suspect it.
If i were you i'd realyy evaluate your drinking and your friends.
Forgive yourself and go on.
@Krumple,
I really don't know why. Like I said I tried to do it in little ways. He didn't take the hints. I never said yes, I never acted all into it like a girl probably would if she was enjoying it. If I was ever going to cheat it would have never been with this guy. I talked to my friend too and she says that she has been in a situation where basically the same thing happened. She had sex with someone she didn't want have it with but didn't know why she couldn't get herself out of that situation or say no. I've googled other girls situations and I've seen many of the same answers where a girl just feels trapped or froze up and let the guy do what they wanted and just laid there.
@Confusedgirl1234,
Confusedgirl1234 wrote:
I really don't know why. Like I said I tried to do it in little ways. He didn't take the hints. I never said yes, I never acted all into it like a girl probably would if she was enjoying it. If I was ever going to cheat it would have never been with this guy. I talked to my friend too and she says that she has been in a situation where basically the same thing happened. She had sex with someone she didn't want have it with but didn't know why she couldn't get herself out of that situation or say no. I've googled other girls situations and I've seen many of the same answers where a girl just feels trapped or froze up and let the guy do what they wanted and just laid there.
I know it happens. You have to plan for it. Why do you think we plan for emergencies and disasters? So people won't freeze up and will have a plan to follow.
You don't have to just accept it. Learn from this. I'm sorry it happened. You probably protected your friend she owes you one.
If you end up telling your boyfriend, then I admire you. But be ready for it not to go well and more hurt is going to come out.
I know you are annoyed, angry, humiliated and hate yourself for allowing it to happen. It doesn't have to be just something that happened. Learn from it.
@Confusedgirl1234,
Thus guy was not a mind reader. How was he supposed to know that you were "not into it?" A stiff penis has no conscience.
I suggest you take an assertiveness class for women. Your low self esteem and deference to what men could insist you do makes you a "willing victim. "
May I ask your age?
I suggest counseling, too.
Selected Answer
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace