Sexual assault or cheating???

I'm 25. I'm pretty tough or at least come off as tough so I don't know how I failed myself in a situation when I needed to be tough about something so serious.

His penis was mostly limp from what I remember. He said he never got off. I don't remember how the night ended or when it stopped. This man is in his mid 30s- early 40s. He has a little girl, and was just talking to me about a girl he was seeing. I really didn't see him to be the kind of guy to act like that. It's not like we started out flirting all night and then making out. He came up behind me when he gave up on my friend and wouldn't stop. I don't know how he didn't hear me asking my friend for help multiple times or see me like grabbing her shoulder because that wasn't hidden.

I want to tell him because this hurts me to keep it from him. I have a hard time acting as if nothing happened, keeping something so big like this from him. If I do keep it from him and he finds out later down the line he will only be more angry and upset and feel grossed at by the fact that I slept with someone and then slept with him. I can't find myself to even want to have sex because I don't want to do that to him. It feels so gross and wrong. I am literally becoming sick from this and keeping it from him.

Well if it bothers you that much then tell him. Tell him how you told us.

So this guy basically molested you - ?

What GOOD will come from telling your BF?

Except to get it off your shoulders?

You were drunk (so drunk you could not even act for yourself) and got groped by an asshole.

End of story.

(gee if I didn't know better, I'd think you wanted to tell your BF so he will break up with you)

Get help from a professional counselor, not your BF at this time.

I don't want him to break up with me at all that's the only reason why I don't want to tell him but it hurts me keeping it from him and will again only hurt him if he finds out even later on. I never believed in that saying " what they don't know won't hurt them" I've never cheated. This is my longest relationship and best boyfriend I've ever had. This guy knows where my bf works and we also want to go to a place where his friend that we've met works and I feel like it may come out. I feel like it should come from me. Ive always been too scared to lie. Even if some people don't see this as telling a lie it still feels like one and he would say it was a lie as well if I didn't tell him.

He is also going to probably wonder why we don't go hang out with this guy or why his name doesn't come up anymore and put it together that the last time he heard about him was the night I went out with my friends and him. And stayed in a hotel room. If he asks what happened to him then that would have to be another lie added.

Consider that the drinking had a lot to do with it OR you were drugged.

I feel like I didn't drink a ton. I was specifically not trying to drink a lot. They were trying to get me to drink more because it was a late birthday celebration. I declined but I don't really remember like I said some of that night was a blur/blacked out and when I remembered he handed me one last drink in the hotel room I don't remember if it was a beer or water I can't imagine he would drug someone but then again I couldn't imagine him coming on to me knowing me and also knowing my boyfriend and that I had one. I don't know if it because I was so sleepy and drank a bit and I guess it all hit me at the last min. I know I wanted the room because I've always wanted to stay there and between the 3 of us it would've been easy to pay for and I was really tired. I'm like an old women. I really don't do well with staying out late. We didn't pay. I grabbed my **** and left in the morning with my friend with out saying anything to him.

Ao exactly what would you tell your BF?

Once I remember him handing me that last drink the previous night I did wonder if he did anything to it. I don't know if he did or would have drugged it. I wasn't looking at him when he got it. I have no idea what I would tell him. I'd probably just let him read what I had wrote because I don't know how to tell him or how to bring it up or anything

You're equivicating... grasping at straws. You feel guilty...And you should. But cheer up...It's just sex.

I'm not trying to mislead anyone. No I will not be able to just chear up. It's really not that easy.... it's a big deal.

I think you have every right to feel traumatized, but I urge you to seek out a rape counselor to discuss this. You may have been drugged, I don't know but it sounds like this guy was determined to penetrate somebody. You were there, I wasn't, but I know these things occur. Years ago, someone started a sexual assault thread on a2k to discuss he banality of sexual assault. Those who shared intimate stories, including stories of childhood assaults were insulted or mocked or accused of making up stories.
I know you think you want to talk to your boyfriend, but please seek out a professional first. It's not a matter of not trusting your boyfriend, but this is intricate and you need someone who has dealt with this. Your boyfriend might be even less informed than you. Anyhow, take care of yourself first so you learn to trust yourself again. Good luck

Thank you. It's just a matter of now how fucked I feel on top of how bad I feel for what happened and feeling like it's still my fault. My friend told me the following day that she should've said something or helped but also said she was asleep so I really don't know if she was or wasn't now. I always thought I would know how to react in a situation where something like this occurred that was unwanted but I was so very wrong about how my reaction would go. I just don't want him to think I intentionally hurt him or did this in purpose. If there were any signs leading up to that point I seriously would've never put us in that situation. He didn't show any signs or show actions that he would attempt to get hand on.

I wouldn't classify what happened to you as assault. It would be if you had at least once told the guy "no". He is a horny and persistent perverted jerk, but I wouldn't say rapist. He was also mislead by you and your friend. You say he was interested in your friend and was out with the both of you. You were all drinking and having fun. You had been out with him before. You suggested getting a hotel room, and your friend agreed. The guy probably thought you both wanted him. Maybe he is older and gross to you but if so why give him all the wrong signals?
If a woman that I had been out drinking with suggested getting a hotel room, and then got into bed with me, I would take it as a definite "yes". You should have made it Crystal Clear to him that there would be No Sex.
Is this is what you normally do, get drunk and get into bed with guys and then act surprised that they want to have sex with you? Is your boyfriend aware of your party habits? If my girlfriend went out drinking with another guy and then suggested getting a hotel room with him, that would be the end of our relationship, whether there was sex or not.

Does your boyfriend drink with other girls and then get into bed with them? What would you say to him if he did?
I suggest you tell your boyfriend everything. It will be painful for him but not as bad as hearing it from someone else. Also, to prevent a fight and your boyfriend possibly losing his job, make sure and tell him that you never said "no". Then, if you want to keep him as your boyfriend, beg for his forgiveness and promise never to sleep with other men. You're 25 years old. Time to start acting like an adult and taking responsibility for your actions.

I think you gave her bad advice. Its a little like telling women not to wear red panties or they could be tempting a rapist.

No actually. I don't just go out and drink and get into bed with guys. I said I have shared bed spaces with guys before and know how to be an adult and keep my hands to myself (not while in a relationship). I mainly have always had guy friends growing up. That doesn't mean I want to have sex with all of them just because we sleep in the same room or have to share a bed on a trip or something at some point. He should've been an adult and kept his hands to his self like we did when we got into bed. We weren't looking to party like that literally looking to sleep and we said we would all split the bill. There was nothing leading up to that point that ever signaled to him that we wanted sex, I don't know if she flirted with him, but I sure as hell didn't. I never touched him that night or gave him any signals. Just because him and my friend talked doesn't mean sex was on the table. The only time I hung out with him before was on the boat with his coworker or my boyfriend or myself because I have a lot of off time and my bf knows I have a lot of guy friends because my hobbies aren't something a lot of girls do at least here, and there have never been any issues where I was in this kind of a situation or put myself in a situation feeling like something would happen. I didn't get that feeling that he would do anything because we didn't give him any signals.

I sent you two private messages. If you haven't received them look up on the top right hand series and click on inbox. If that doesn't work, let me know and Ill send them more directly.

I can see how someone could take it that way. But really. Go out drinking with a guy, suggest getting a hotel for the night and then getting into the same bed with him? After all that, she should have known he was expecting sex.