1
   

Sexual assault or cheating???

 
 
giujohn
 
  -1  
Reply Tue 3 Jan, 2017 12:26 pm
@ehBeth,
ehBeth wrote:

TomTomBinks wrote:
If she got naked or nearly so and then got into bed with him, and was "doing stuff", she clearly gave consent by her actions.


no




YES... ABSOLUTELY.
0 Replies
 
giujohn
 
  -1  
Reply Tue 3 Jan, 2017 12:36 pm
@Confusedgirl1234,
The salient point in this is that nothing happened to your friend because she mitigated his actions... you instead "did stuff"... doing stuff is the opposite of freezing. Your friend was smart, you were not. You made a conscious decision albeit clouded by alcohol. Trying to make excuses for your decision afterwards is not going to help matters. As I said before own it and deal with it. Either you tell your boyfriend or you don't. I think what you're trying to do here in this forum is vacuume your conscience by getting others to agree that wasn't your fault.
0 Replies
 
CoastalRat
 
  3  
Reply Tue 3 Jan, 2017 12:38 pm
I'm a guy. And I think of myself as being a bit old-fashioned and I take a dim view of men who in any way force themselves on a woman. This includes a man who continues to try to convince a woman to change her mind about having sex with him after she says no.

Putting myself in this guy's shoes, here is my take, for what it is worth. Two women suggest getting a hotel room. Then both women end up sleeping in the same bed as me. (What, you couldn't get a room with two beds?) I try my luck with the woman in the middle, then she gets "sick" and the other woman moves into the middle. So I start trying my luck with her. She does not resist, does not say no, does not get up and move to a chair or couch in the hotel room and actually "does stuff" (your words) with me. (You claim you did stuff to him in hopes he would stop. Not sure how you figure doing stuff to him will give him the idea you don't want sex.) Now I would appreciate it if someone would tell me where in all of this I should have gotten the idea that the woman did not want to fool around? You even claim you did drink, but even you do not think you drank that much.

So again, I ask any woman here, to tell me why this man would think she was not interested in fooling around? Did she verbalize her desire for sex? No. So why would she do stuff with him? This is where she loses me. I don't get this.

Add to all of this that it does not appear that there was any penetration, at least that seems to be what she is indicating, and all we have is some horny guy that came onto her while she was in bed with him and she did stuff with/to him and that is as far as it went and now she feels guilty and wants to justify what happened by claiming she may have been sexually assaulted. I don't buy what she is selling. Sorry.

So to answer the thread's question, I think you cheated. You may not have meant to do so. The drinking may have affected your common sense and left you open to doing something you normally would not have done. Now that the alcohol has worn off, you realize you made a mistake. Fantastic. But don't blame the guy. Blame yourself. (I think you are.) And learn from your mistake. (I think you will.)

Forgive yourself. And I agree that telling your boyfriend is not necessarily the best idea. But that is up to you. I'm sure you know the possible consequences of that as well as anyone. Good luck to you.
Confusedgirl1234
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 Jan, 2017 02:22 pm
@PUNKEY,
This is bothering so much that I had to ask him did I do anything to make him think that that's what I wanted ? I've asked him multiple times what did I do, did I give him any signals that I wanted sex or anything like that, I'm being very fake nice with him to get answers and he has no answer to my question. Why is that? If he would've just let me and my friend sleep no one would've been touched that night. We would've all slept like babies like I had planned to do.
Confusedgirl1234
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 Jan, 2017 02:33 pm
@CoastalRat,
He didn't take the hints. He wouldn't let up. It took him a while to get me to give In. At that point I felt stuck and felt like he wasn't going to give up until he got what he wanted. I felt bad about it the entire time it was happening, I was grossed out the entire time it was happening. Didn't have the money to get a hotel room. I know I should've done something to get out of that situation but I froze and was stuck there. My friend passed out or so I think she was at least actually passed out. Im sitting her asking this guy if I gave him any signs I wanted sex, I'm asking him to tell me if I did anything al all that would've led him to think that ?? I've asked him multiple times. Why can't he give me an answer? He wouldn't give up. I didn't jump his bones, we didn't initiate anything before or after the hotel. He decided all the sudden to make moves.
CoastalRat
 
  2  
Reply Tue 3 Jan, 2017 02:55 pm
@Confusedgirl1234,
Quote:
He didn't take the hints.
Some guys would be a bit confused about the "hints" you were giving. That is why you need to learn to say no.

Quote:
I did things I didn't want to do to/with him.
This was definitely not a hint, unless it was a hint for him to keep going.

Quote:
It took him a while to get me to give In.
Without hearing you say no, he kept trying to seduce you. Again, instead of saying no, you gave in. Giving in is the same as saying "oh well, why the hell not." He never forced you to do anything and you even participated by giving in and doing things to him. (Again, you did not say he forced you to do things to him, you gave in and did them. VOLUNTARILY!

Chalk it up to both of you being a bit tipsy, he got horny, made a move and rather than say no, which you might have done had you not been a bit tipsy, you gave in.

Quote:
Im sitting her asking this guy if I gave him any signs I wanted sex,
Maybe he is as embarrassed as you are, so he'd rather avoid discussing it.
Confusedgirl1234
 
  2  
Reply Tue 3 Jan, 2017 03:06 pm
@CoastalRat,
He has no problem saying other stuff but he can't say well at this point and this point and this point I felt maybe we were in the same page or you did this and I thought it was okay. He's a grown man. He made it sound like no big deal so why can't he answer my questions about when and what happened to make him think that that's where the night was going ?
I didn't give in to him right away. There were the thins I said about me trying to do things to avoid him or the situation but he still kept trying and trying and trying. At that point he wasn't who I thought he was. I thought he was an adult who would be respectful. Two girls laying and a bed to their self doesn't mean hey, come touch me and try to do things with us. Had he kept his hands to himself none of this would've happened. I know it's not all his fault because I didn't fight the right way and didn't fight how I should've but still if you really need to try that ******* hard to get laid that should be a sign the person not into it and maybe you should ask hey are you into this, do you want to have sex, instead of trying and trying and trying. If he had asked I would've felt the power to say no and feel like I had a choice with him.
0 Replies
 
giujohn
 
  0  
Reply Tue 3 Jan, 2017 03:43 pm
@Confusedgirl1234,
Confusedgirl1234 wrote:

This is bothering so much that I had to ask him did I do anything to make him think that that's what I wanted ? I've asked him multiple times what did I do, did I give him any signals that I wanted sex or anything like that, I'm being very fake nice with him to get answers and he has no answer to my question. Why is that? If he would've just let me and my friend sleep no one would've been touched that night. We would've all slept like babies like I had planned to do.


If I were this guy I would not walk but run whenever you approached me or got anywhere near me.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  0  
Reply Tue 3 Jan, 2017 03:43 pm
Aftet ALL this, I agree: You cheated on your BF.

You can discount your own role but you had too many options to get out of it.

I dont know what your BF is going to do after hearing this story you feel you should unload on him - but dont you dare start yelling "rape."

Confusedgirl1234
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 Jan, 2017 03:49 pm
@PUNKEY,
I never ******* said rape. A man pushed his self onto me over and over and over till I was weak enough to let him take what he wanted. I told the guy I understand that it's not all his fault and he couldn't really know unless I said something or was more aggressive with my passive actions and still when I ask him if I ever did anything to lead him to think I wanted him he can't tell me what I did ? I didn't give him any signs he just decided to try to take action. His poor little girl if this happens to her one day maybe he will under stand how I felt if she comes to him.
Krumple
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 Jan, 2017 06:12 pm
@Confusedgirl1234,
Its a bad situation and you can't expect every guy to just respect you like they have in the past. I agree that they should expect it to always be a no by default until she either verbally says yes or its obvious by her actions and reciprocation intent that she is fine with it.

You shoyld learn this lesson to tell a guy, look I'm not interested in having sex with you. If he keeps trying then have a game plan to get out of the situation safely. Get a cab/Uber or call your boyfriend to come get you and your friend. It will be better to have your boyfriend annoyed or mad that he had to pick you up but it's better than telling him later that you ended up having unwanted sex with the creep because he wouldnt take a hint.

I feel bad for you. It sucks that this happened. Dont let it taint you with other guys, just be more on guard with guys if you plan to share a room with them in the future.

You probably saved your friend from being violated by him but you didn't protect yourself from the same danger.

The thing is you also taught this guy a lesson that he doesn't need concent, women just want him. Thats what he thinks now. So you endanger future women who he hangs out with. If you had told him no, you are not interested repeatedly he might have stopped but if he didn't you could have a legal case against him.

As it is right now you have very little to no legal case. A lawyer would ask you these same questions we have been asking you. Why didn't you say no? Why didn't you get out of there? Why did you get a room with this guy? Why did you continue to drink with him? Why did you continue to lay in the same bed with him? Why not move to the floor/couch/chair?

All your answers favor this guy that you didn't do enough to stop his advances. Sure you didn't say yes but you never said no. A simple no. No jury, no judge and no prosecuting attorney would want to touch your case because you didn't do enough to protect yourself.

I bet your boyfriend will feel the same way. He might wonder now if you go anywhere that guys can easily get you to have sex with them because you are not brave enough to say no. Or to make your intentions very clear that you don't want sex.

Once again I feel for you. But all you can do now is take these lessons and grow from them. I still don't think you should tell your boyfriend but that's up to you if you can't keep it from him and decide to tell him. It might not end well. Youll be hurting once again.

I would cut all communication with this guy and make sure your friends know. He might not be a bad guy but he's not a good guy either. He might be confused by the whole thing himself. Who knows. Maybe he doesn't remember because he was too drunk. But I wouldn't continue trying to find out from him. Just ignore him and cut him out of your life.
Confusedgirl1234
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 Jan, 2017 06:40 pm
@Krumple,
I know it's still my fault for not being strong enough to do something for myself. I know my bf probably will only see the fact that I didn't do anything to get out of that situation. I wished he would have came out that night but he had work really early and was asleep by the time we left the bars. This guy didn't take any self blame to say sorry I shouldn't have, even after I told him I know he couldn't of really known. I was playing nice to try to get my answer in if I did anything to lead him to think I wanted it and he never gave me an answer to that and avoided it. He knows I didn't give him any signs that I was into him. He says " Yes this whole situation sucks. I had no expectations either as we are just friends. We made a terrible mistake and I wish it had not happened." he actually doesn't care. This doesn't do anything to his life or change anything orther than he lost a new friend and made his self look like a creep to two girls. I politely said I'm trying to figure out everything that happened that night tell me what happened and asked was it me? Did I signal you in some way. He stopped responding. The way he acted about it the day after it happened because I needed to ask him something about it he didn't seem concerned or sorry about anything that night. If I was a girl and jumped on some dude who had a gf and I had hung with that couple before I would probably take all the blame and say I'm sorry I shouldn't have been on you I know you have a gf and I've met her and feel really bad about ******* up someone's relationship even if the guy gave in I'd feel just as bad. He seems to have no emotions. We never emotionally connected on any lever. We were just friends. I was trying to find girls for him because he talked to me early on about his girls he was seeing. We had just talked about one he was seeing but he said she was crazy but I think they were still "talking".
0 Replies
 
Confusedgirl1234
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 Jan, 2017 06:47 pm
@Krumple,
This was a guy I would've never hooked up with even if I was single, I didn't emotionally connect with him in any way other than. Ring a friend, wasn't attracted to. If I was going to cheat it sure as hell wouldn't of been with this guy. It does suck that again I let it happen I guess. I've now have heavy guilt and feel violated, and sick and don't know what to do. Even if I was single I would be disturbed by what happened. I wouldn't have someone else's feelings to worry about but I don't think I'd be wanting to have sex for a while after that encounter. I'm not saying it was rape, but again I feel violated. I gave him too much trust and thought he would be a gentleman because he never came off to be that guy he was that night and he had hung out with me and my bf I thought he would respect someone's relationship. Apparently it doesn't matter to him if a girl is taken or not. He seems like he probably cheats. I wonder what happened in his marriage that made them divorced
0 Replies
 
TomTomBinks
 
  2  
Reply Tue 3 Jan, 2017 11:35 pm
@Confusedgirl1234,
Quote:
You're probably one of those guys who thinks just because you buy a girl a drink she owes you something.

No. I'm not. When I was younger and single I spent many nights in hotels with women. if we were out and she suggested a hotel room, I expected sex. There was usually sex. But a few times when she said " No", there was no sex. That's all it takes. A simple "No".
I don't know what kind of a fantasy world you live in with grown men and women sharing beds together and no one dares to think of sex... If you were 12 years old I could understand your surprise at someone wanting you for sex, but you're 25 years old. Open your eyes, this is what it's like. No guy is going to wait for a signed statement granting permission for physical contact. It just happens and if you don't want it to happen, take some steps to avoid it. I think you were drunk and made a bad decision, and now your guilt won't give you peace so you're trying to lay the blame somewhere else. Just take responsibility for your own mistakes and move on.
I've made plenty of bad decisions because of alcohol; slept with women I should not have, gotten myself into bad situations. But they were all my fault. I drank the booze, I made the mistake. I also learned my lessons.
0 Replies
 
TomTomBinks
 
  2  
Reply Tue 3 Jan, 2017 11:46 pm
@Confusedgirl1234,
Quote:
I have a lot of guy friends who would never dare to do anything if they were in this situation.

Are they out of middle school?
Quote:
We all said we would pay part of the hotel.

What's the difference who pays for the hotel? If you pay there's no expectation of sex but if he pays there is? What kind of logic is that? Are you a prostitute? If he pays for the hotel then he should expect sex? I don't understand you.

Quote:
. He's a grown man who seemed to have manners but I guess he doesn't and decides to become an animal.

No, he is a man. He has feelings and desires and hormones and he was full of drinks and out with a couple of attractive women.
Quote:
Guys and girls can't be friends ?

of course they can be. But the best way to put an end to that friendship is to start having sex. The best way to start having sex is to lay down next to each other when your inhibitions are at their lowest (after you have been drinking).
0 Replies
 
CoastalRat
 
  2  
Reply Wed 4 Jan, 2017 06:15 am
@Confusedgirl1234,
Quote:
A man pushed his self onto me over and over and over till I was weak enough to let him take what he wanted.
Because you never said no, either by your actions or words. Nothing was stopping you from getting out of the bed immediately and walking over to a chair and making yourself as comfortable as possible. You CHOSE to remain in bed with him. You then CHOSE to do something to/with him (in order to get him to stop, you claim.) Now you are trying to ease your mind by wondering if you were assaulted, after all, that will sound better to your BF than that you did something to/with this guy you got into bed with.

Quote:
I didn't give him any signs
YOU got into bed with him! That is the ONLY sign most any guy needs. THEN you didn't say no when he started to get a bit frisky with you. As far as tucking the covers under you to try to ward him off (the only "hint" I can see that might have indicated you didn't want his attentions) he may well have seen this as you playing a bit hard to get. Or it didn't register in his intoxicated mind that this "hint" meant no. So he continued to try to seduce you and then instead of SAYING no, you did stuff you didn't want to do with him. Sounds like two consenting adults to me.

At this point, what happened, happened. Why be obsessed with his refusal or failure to answer your stupid question about why he kept trying to seduce you or what you did that made him think you wanted his attention? In fact, I will answer for him. You got a hotel room with a single bed in it, you got into bed with him and you didn't say no at any point. THAT is what you did to give him the idea you wanted his attentions. Now just let this go and get on with your life. Obsessing about this is not doing you or your relationship with your BF any good.

0 Replies
 
KittyMeowMeow
 
  1  
Reply Fri 27 Jan, 2017 05:54 pm
@Confusedgirl1234,
If you or your friend said, no, stop, or anything like that this would be consider sexual assault or rape. No matter how drunk you where. In fact if you didn't consent beforehand it's also a rape.
0 Replies
 
KittyMeowMeow
 
  1  
Reply Fri 27 Jan, 2017 05:57 pm
@Confusedgirl1234,
If you did not consent it's rape. Get a rape kit and a lawyer. I don't care what Krumple says, if he did this to you chances are he's gonna do it again.
0 Replies
 
 

Related Topics

 
Copyright © 2017 MadLab, LLC :: Terms of Service :: Privacy Policy :: Page generated in 0.03 seconds on 10/17/2017 at 02:38:54