My wife does not want sex anymore.

Bi-Polar Bear wrote:

I would hope that if she was raped or abused or had other deep seated problems relating to exual activity that she would have had the decency to inform her spouse about it before expecting him to commit to a life where sex was a problem and be a sport about it....this respect and understanding thing swings both ways in case people have forgotten.....

Rape victims often feel ashamed and do not tell anyone. Most rape victims don't even report to the police. Our society has made it nearly impossible for rape victims to feel like they can come forward without some sort of consequence. "Are you sure?" is the most common question someone asks when a rape victim comes forward, already questioning the victim and making them feel like somehow they've exaggerated the situation or imagined it. Rape is the only crime in which evidence collection is the financial responsibilty of the victim (at least in Michigan). Rape is not talked about and people turn their heads because it is uncomfortable. He may never have thought to ask and she may have decieded a long time ago that she was "used goods" and that she was dirty.

So no, she might not have told him. She might be afraid to tell. She may not have told anyone ever. I spent time working with rape victims and it isn't so cut and dry.

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I was remiss in not adding that kristie...thank you.

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There are some great insights expressed here by all. I hope the author of this post finds it useful.

IMHO, the most concise summary I can see for action on these issues would be:

o recognize this could be rooted in a control issue - not just about sex. There seems to be an underlying unhappiness that goes beyond sexual intimacy. Come out of denial - both of you.

o Get Couples Counseling (either through religious counsel or psychologists) with the goal of resolving these issues.

o Both may want to spend time with honest introspection. Then dialogue about these control issues in a way that is less emotionally charged, preferably with couples couselor. Speak in way that might not be felt to be judgemental (e.g. "when x happens, I feel such and such emotion.")

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I dj'd my second cousins wedding this past weekend...he's in his mid twenties and he mentioned that his dad and I both looked really happy and I told him older guys always look happy because we know that the younger guys are about to find out that the main function of a womans body is it's use a a disciplinary tool.... :wink:

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The inverse can be true too, bi-polar bear, though less common.

...but that doesn't mcuh help the author the orig. post, I don't think.

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ragman(orig) wrote:

The inverse can be true too, bi-polar bear, though less common.

...but that doesn't mcuh help the author the orig. post, I don't think.

just trying to break the tension there ragman my friend...keeping the conversation lively... Very Happy

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Cool...your diversions are always interesting, Bi-polar. I was just making sure that I didn't, through miscomprehension, miss something.

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Re: equitable

Debra_Law wrote:

Why would she stop in the middle of sex simply because he requested something new if it was just a one-time request or suggestion? Because it wasn't a one-time request. It was obviously something that he repeatedly pressured her to do

No, nothing that much is "obvious". There can be many reasons why she would feel uncomfortable with sex, period, or with sex that goes beyond what to her is tried, tested and safe. Some of those ways are outlined above - some might have to do with their relationship in general, some might not have anything to do with him at all. There is nothing "obvious" about the one particular sequence of events and causes you're laying out.

Debra_Law wrote:

Why would she be afraid of his desire for kinky sex if the kinky sex subject wasn't being pushed on her all the time.

See above. Could be lots of reasons. Just like there could be many reasons, related both to their relationship or wholly other backgrounds, why she may be "repressed".

Debra_Law wrote:

If she refers to his requests as "kinky," then his requests are outside of her comfort zone.

True, true. And that's something to realise and work from. But eventually, if things stay this way for many years, a sexual compatibility issue arises ... After all, both partners have their own parameters of what they're comfortable with or get satisfaction from. If she only wants to do the one thing and anything else is "outside of her comfort zone", but being locked into always just the one way of making love is making him feel distinctly uncomfortable, then the problem is a mutual one, and both parties have a responsibility in tackling it. The blame game won't get any couple anywhere quick.

My two cents.

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Nice post nimh.

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Speaking from personal experience, dealing with infertility can really play havoc with your sex drive. You have to schedule sex regularly, whether you want it or not, and the pressure is on. You have to do it at inconvenient times, in less-than-exciting positions, and ALWAYS, ALWAYS according to the calendar. You lose all spontaneity. After several years of this, I was ready to give up on having a child and forget about sex entirely. It wasn't fun anymore...it was work. It took me several months to be interested again.

Talking with a counselor is a good idea, but maybe what she needs most is time.

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Yeah, I really think that the infertility issue could be a significant part of this picture.

(Also think it was a nice post, nimh.)

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Have you seen a specialist? They didn't think my wife could get pregnant either.

First specialist wanted to tie her tubes and do In Vitro so we got a second opinion. He was a jackass

Next specialist said she needed to get her pipes cleaned so thats what we did, 2nd one is on the way and it didn't take long to get pregnant after she got her tubes cleaned.

Don't limit yourself to just one specialist find one who is willing to go the extra mile.

There is allot more to this then your wife just doesn't want sex. This is devastating to allot of women...

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Joahaeyo wrote:

Even as a Christian (myself), I understand I have an OBLIGATION to submit to my husband WHENEVER he wants (with respect to my health and common sense).

Joa, will you marry me?

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cjhsa wrote:

Joahaeyo wrote:
Even as a Christian (myself), I understand I have an OBLIGATION to submit to my husband WHENEVER he wants (with respect to my health and common sense).

Joa, will you marry me?

Joahaeyo, your statment freaked me out. No one is obligated to give someone their body. Ever. Under any circumstances. And as a Christian I am embarassed that other people might think that all Christian's believe that. Shocked

cjhsa, your statement cracked me up. Silly silly man. Laughing

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Why are there a million excuses for a woman to not have sex that we're supposed to understand but the only reason for man to want it is that he thinks with his dick?

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Bi-Polar Bear wrote:

Why are there a million excuses for a woman to not have sex that we're supposed to understand but the only reason for man to want it is that he thinks with his dick?

AMEN

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Bi-Polar Bear wrote:

Why are there a million excuses for a woman to not have sex that we're supposed to understand but the only reason for man to want it is that he thinks with his dick?

Well, my theory is that god only gave man enough blood to run either his head or his...head....and when you want sex the blood all runs to the smaller of the two, leaving no blood for the larger one, which is why we say you are thinking with your dick.

But that's just my opinion. :wink:

I wish my hubby wanted sex more. I have a higher sex drive than he does. I'd do it twice a day if he wanted it but working 60-65 hours a week, he is usually too tired to do it that much. Sad

So I guess I am now just thinking with my p*ssy. Very Happy

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In a related subject Kristie....they say a womans greatest talent is the ability to hold a fart in forever if need be...but her greatest failing is the inability to keep a secret.......so if you want to tell a woman a secret.....whisper in her ass....

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Cheers you two.

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Kristie wrote:

I wish my hubby wanted sex more. I have a higher sex drive than he does. I'd do it twice a day if he wanted it but working 60-65 hours a week, he is usually too tired to do it that much. So I guess I am now just thinking with my p*ssy.

You can never be to tired for sex...

Maybe your making him do all the work hahahahah... Jokes jokes jokes

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My wife does not want sex anymore.

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