My wife does not want sex anymore.

IMO, that's a very selfish attitude. She may not know how essential sex is to a man. Yes, I think that's possible because a lot of men do not understand that what a women needs either.

Even as a Christian (myself), I understand I have an OBLIGATION to submit to my husband WHENEVER he wants (with respect to my health and common sense).

She may just need to understand that saying no sex to you would be like you saying: I don't see a point in celebrating Valentine's, holding hands, or saying I love you anymore ...because I don't have any energy left since you've given me NONE. You are not worth the work or time now. /then throw your nose in the air and walk off.

Is it that drastic? ABSOLUTELY.
She doesn't have to understand WHY you have this need, but that you have it. Just like men don't understand why we must do this, that, or the other.


Have you guys tried counseling?

Most counselors will say:

Sex for a man = full cup
Cleaning a house, love notes, and appreciation for a woman = full cup

I think that her mind is so full of the disappointments of not being able to conceive, that when this moves back from being the main focus, whihc may take a while, she will probably come round, although it sounds like the problem is more deep rooted than that.

And I disagree, a woman does not have to submit as you say - it should be as much about her enjoyment as his. Sex is important for men, but I think it is a generalistion to say that men can't go for periods of time without it.

There is so much more you can do with your relationship to encourage the return of the sexual side.

Have you thought that she may not feel like a woman? This can have all kind of manifestations.

submit
A wife is NOT required to "submit." She is not required to have sex with her husband. Sexual intimacy is NOT a wifely duty or obligation.

I agree with Carrie. This problem has deep roots.

Look at your history and the explanation your wife gave to you:

You said, "if I requested anything or wanted to try something new she would get turned off, sometimes stopping in the middle of sex."

This tells me that when you first became involved with your wife, she was not a wild sex machine. She was probably sexually unsophisticated. She was probably reserved and bedroom shy. She needed time to grow, mature, and blossom sexually. But you didn't give her the gift of time and patience. Instead, you made requests that she felt uncomfortable about. When she voiced her discomfort, you disregarded her feelings and continued to hound her to do things she felt uncomfortable doing.

You continued to force the issue when she wasn't ready or willing to accommodate your "requests." You didn't allow her to develop her sexual appetites on her own time table. You disrespected her everytime that you hounded her to do something she didn't want to do. You violated her boundaries. Instead of allowing her sexuality to mature naturally with a man she could trust, you promoted a growing adversion. Not an adversion to sex--but an adversion to YOU and sex.

Sex is not the culprit. You are. You violated her trust in the bedroom. She can't trust you to respect her sexual boundaries and to allow her sexuality to develop naturally rather than in a forced and offensive manner. You have known for years that your pushing her to go beyond her comfort level when she wasn't ready was offensive to her. Her sexuality therefore never blossomed, it shrunk into fear and adversion.

She told you that she no longer wants to have sex because, in your own words:



Your wife has a deeply rooted animosity toward you in the bedroom. She can't trust you to respect her boundaries and to allow her sexuality to mature on its own time table. She fears your constant pressuring for her to do things she is uncomfortable doing simply so you can meet in that "middle ground." She feels violated and she has no desire to please you anymore when you consistently failed to respect her boundaries.

She might never trust you enough to overcome her aversion to YOU and sex and allow herself to explore her sexual potential. She's carrying way too much baggage.

I say take the pressure off by agreeing to suspend sex indefinitely. This means no groping her while she's asleep. Then you will be able to focus on what's really going on. Sexual enjoyment for women is very psychological and so the problems you two have been going through are very likely related. Suspend the sex, talk about adoption, see if there is some other goal the two of you can head towards together.

I agree with Debra and Carrie that a wife nor a husband is obliged to have sex or to "submit". That means you may just have to do without for a while, while trying to find out what all is the matter here and what solutions might be found. (Since this development seems to have taken you by surprise somewhat, it could be that there is some kind of communication deficit, and outside help might be needed to open things up).

Otherwise, I don't think we know you as well as Debra apparently does, so it would be hard to come to similarly far-reaching judgements about all you've been or done or supposedly done wrong in the past. It's all too easy to draw all kinds of inferences based on our own experience.

I'd say any number of things could be up. The association of sex with the numerous - and traumatically failed - attempts you apparently undertook to have children in itself could be a very powerful turn-off. The "what use is it all" if you can't have children feeling that she has might be a more generally pervasive thing, which just emerges most clearly in the bedroom. There's other reasons, often buried in people's distant pasts, that could make one afraid of sex, or at least afraid of any sex that transceeds the boundaries of the familiar and safe-tested. In such cases it can become tough over time to balance the needs of the other to be treated with kid gloves and your own frustration. Again you often need outside help to solve the conflicting needs - and to find out what lies behind her fear (or aversion) in the first place. Sometimes it is better to openly explore its backgrounds than just continue doggedly trying to do the thing, kid gloves or not.

If I can make one inference, it would be that I suspect this might not be the only thing that is wrong in the relationship after all ... I mean, apparently, she has problems with sex that you don't know exactly the why & how of. And apparently she has also some issues with you ... I mean, what one does at times hear here is about wives who see sex merely as a kind of duty to their husband and do it only for his sake, and the problems that follow from that. But you write, "It was fine if I met her needs sexually" - just if you "requested anything" of your own wishes/needs she'd turn off. So it doesn't sound like she actually dislikes sex itself - just saw it more as a mechanical way to get her own satisfaction, without much interest in yours. That suggests to me an emotional disconnect of sorts that might extend a little further than just to the bedroom.

I don't really know what to advise, apart perhaps from cautiously suggesting to her that you take her problems/objections very seriously, and that you would like to discuss them together with an expert ... In first instance, perhaps simply take sex off the table. I don't know how long this has been playing, but a man can do without for a few months. Promise that you'll only get back to it after you've talked about whatever needs to be talked about, that in first place you're just interested in finding out what the problems all are.

If she refuses to seek any help or discuss the matter any further, its a different can of worms again altogether, but one step at a time ...

Maybe your wife is depressed/unhappy about the inability to have children?

Lots of good insights from nimh.

I agree with msolga's point, too, that clinical depression can result in a reduced libido. That might be something for her to investigate with a doctor, though you probably wouldn't want to bring it up in the context of sex. Just generally that you're worried about her, you know this has been rough on her (not being able to have children), etc.

I'd always thought that I'd be able to get pregnant instantly, but it took close to a year, and the last few months of realizing no, not this time were quite devastating. I can easily imagine how far-reaching the impact would be if she has tried for years and is facing the possibility that she will never, ever have kids.

I say ask for permission to look for sex elsewhere....see how far that gets you......how fair is it for you to be expected to do without sex if she doesn't feel like it but not be allowed to have it elsewhere.....not fair at all.

In this arena it has always seemed to me that a woman wants to reserve the right to have no interest in you sexually while being assured that no one else does either.

Meanwhile if you masturbate or look at porn or seek solace elsewhere you're an animal who thinks with his pecker. Well, better a living breathing animal flawed or not than an inanimate piece of wood I say.

ahhhh


Hmmmm. You pretty much rephrased what I already said, but he knows exactly what the problem is because he spelled it out in his post. He can't whine about his wife's refusal to engage in sexual intimacy because he's the one who disrespected her boundaries and pushed her to do things she was uncomfortable doing. How many times and over how many years does she have to say, "I don't want to do it," before he figures out that she doesn't want to do it. No one wants to be forced or coerced into a sexual act that they don't feel comfortable performing.

He isn't going to make any progress until he validates his wife's feelings. He needs to acknowledge to her personally that he disrespected her; disrespected her boundaries; that he pressured her to do things she was uncomfortable doing; and that HIS CONDUCT caused her to repress her sexuality and to develop an aversion to HIM and sex.

If he will validate her feelings, sincerely apologize; and then restrain himself from pressuring her and learn to respect her sexually, she may eventually forgive the past and perhaps have a chance to grow sexually with him. SHE will initiate more excitement in the bedroom when she's ready and when she can finally trust her partner to treat her with respect. Until she gets validation, consideration, and respect--he's not getting any.

Whether he admits it or not, he knows I'm right.

I don't see anything in his post that indicates he pushed her boundaries or disrespected her...on the contrary it seems as though if he asked for something out of her realm of desire she just summarily dismissed it and he backed right off.

Do you truly think that merely asking or suggesting something different is a sign of disrespect and that makes him a bad guy? Get real, Virgina Slm.

The more you pressure her the more she will retreat.

and then should the day come that you go elsewhere to have your needs met, she'll have the nerve to act surprised and of course, you will receive 100% of the blame........pretty equitable, huh?

Has anyone considered the fact that she shys away because she was raped or abused? She has the conception that sex is for procreation only. Lessons taught as a child remain well into adulthood.

Just because your partner doesn't want sex does not give you liberty to cheat.

However, sex is a vital part of marriage. It is natural and normal. I think she's got something else going on. Ask her why she doesn't want sex. And then seek help. Something is wrong.

I agree kristie. I spent 11 years in a relationship where she believed sex was for procreation only; perhaps because of her upbringing. I tried everything in the world to make sex more natural. Now I'm with a woman who enjoys it and sometimes demands it...woo hooo. It is such an important part of a marriage, I can't overstate this. Get counseling quick, for the both of you...don't waste any more time.

I would hope that if she was raped or abused or had other deep seated problems relating to exual activity that she would have had the decency to inform her spouse about it before expecting him to commit to a life where sex was a problem and be a sport about it....this respect and understanding thing swings both ways in case people have forgotten.....

equitable
Why would she stop in the middle of sex simply because he requested something new if it was just a one-time request or suggestion? Because it wasn't a one-time request. It was obviously something that he repeatedly pressured her to do, something she repeatedly refused to do, and the mere mention of it again caused her to stop what they were doing and for her to refuse to continue sexual intimacy with him.

Why would she be afraid of his desire for kinky sex if the kinky sex subject wasn't being pushed on her all the time. If she refers to his requests as "kinky," then his requests are outside of her comfort zone.

Why is she afraid that his requests for "kinky sex" will escalate? Because his uncomfortable requests were occurring on such a regular basis that she was avoiding sex as much as possible. Her sexuality was not maturing or being developed, it was being repressed.

Re: equitable


neither knows those answers...we are merely speculating.....

Re: equitable


neither knows those answers...we are merely speculating.....

We are just speculating so let's keep an open mind. And Bear your point about prior admission is well taken.