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Best friend hooked up with with friend-with-benefits

 
 
Reply Sun 18 Dec, 2016 08:15 pm
Please help me. I don't know how to feel about this.

This friend was like a sister to me. I trusted her with all of my heart and would never have expected her to do anything like this. It's even worse because not one but two other close friends in the past have done this to me and I really felt like she was different. I took a LOT of measures in making sure she was different because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle that kind of pain again. However,the first friend did this with my boyfriend and the 2nd did it with my ex boyfriend. This is just a FWB... so why does it hurt even more than the other two?

I don't think I had necessarily romantic feelings for him- I had a loving boyfriend at the time.But I did place a lot of value on his attention and friendship. Besides the (AMAZING) sex, he was like a brother to me. But I slowly started distancing myself from him when he kept openly drooling over my best friend/flatmate. I found it very disrespectful and hurtful and when I told her, she even agreed that it was disrespectful. But I still invited him over a lot which led to them talking more and more and I definitely noticed a "switch" in her. I asked her if she was attracted to him and she admitted that she was and that she hated herself for it. I tried to put my jealous feelings aside (I was DYING inside by this point) and encouraged them to go for each other, obviously not meaning it. She told me "I know you wouldn't like it and that's why I can't bring myself to do anything with him. Chicks before dicks." I was really happy with this and with my decision to trust her.

The next week I came back home after spending the weekend at my boyfriend's and caught them passionately in the act. Her room door was open and I saw everything. She knew she was wrong because she immediately jumped up, started crying and begging me to hear her out. I didn't want to hear any of it, I completely blacked out and just went apeshit on her. I don't even remember (or care) what he was doing, my complete focus was on hurting her like she just hurt me. I don't want to think about what I did or said. I moved out immediately and never spoke to her again nor gave her a chance to speak to me. Honestly I hate her but I'm starting to feel guilty because some people say I overreacted.

I absolutely do NOT want to speak to her again much less forgive her (she made me start cutting again when she's the one who got me to stop). But I do want to know that my feelings are justified. I talked to a few people (probably the wrong people) and they basically shamed me saying I overreacted. That really truly hurts. I feel anger, pain, and betrayed but apparently I'm supposed to be completely fine and dandy with what she did just because "he was just a fwb!". I feel like there's a certain amount of pure disrespect involved when a friend sleeps with someone her friend was involved with especially without asking or at least letting her know. And she lied to me saying she couldn't do it. I can't sleep at night and people disregarding my feelings on top of it all makes me severely depressed. Please help.
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Type: Question • Score: 0 • Views: 1,916 • Replies: 58

 
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Sun 18 Dec, 2016 08:22 pm
@disregarded96,
You can't have it both ways.

If it's an FWB, then the guy is not your boyfriend. Exclusivity should not be on the table.

Maybe throw a few choice words in his direction. And get it clear as to what the two of you are. If you are boyfriend and girlfriend, then start talking about exclusivity. If you aren't, then don't (and use condoms every time, either way).

PS As for her, she's probably as confused about your FWB deal as you seem to be (and as the guy might be as well). This is reason #593 why I hate FWB. The parties never seem to be on the same page. And that confusion seems to really hurt people.
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sun 18 Dec, 2016 08:47 pm
@jespah,
You obviously don't understand Jew. A FWB is that only as long as no one else enjoys those benefits too.

Didn't you get that update?
0 Replies
 
disregarded96
 
  1  
Reply Sun 18 Dec, 2016 08:57 pm
@jespah,
Yeah I know he and I weren't exclusive, that's why I don't have a problem with him. It's over now; I cut him out of my life the same day I cut her out, not because I'm angry with him, but because I couldn't risk hearing about her.

No matter how confused she was, she knew I wouldn't be okay with them hooking up. She told me this herself before she went and did it.

Agreed. I will never have another FWB thanks to this situation.
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sun 18 Dec, 2016 09:14 pm
OMG Jes, I was typing my response on my phone, and it turned Jes into Jew and I didn't notice.

In case you thought I meant that in some weird way.

Stupid auto correct.

Sorry.
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Sun 18 Dec, 2016 09:34 pm
@disregarded96,
FWB means just that. It doesn't mean exclusive relationship. It doesn't mean you have any say in who else they're *******.

It means you're ******* each other and that is the extent of the relationship.

It's not for everyone (and I personally think no one under 40 should consider it - they all seem to really be looking for relationships).
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Sun 18 Dec, 2016 09:36 pm
@disregarded96,
disregarded96 wrote:
l (she made me start cutting again when she's the one who got me to stop).


No.

You do not get to blame your behaviour on someone else. Talk to a doctor. Get yourself a heap of professional help.
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Sun 18 Dec, 2016 09:56 pm
@disregarded96,
disregarded96 wrote:

Yeah I know he and I weren't exclusive, that's why I don't have a problem with him.


I agree with ehBeth that a true FWB situation is not for the faint of heart, and more likely to be sucessful with someone who has experience.

If you don't have a problem with him, you can't have a problem with her.

Sorry.
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Sun 18 Dec, 2016 10:09 pm
So this is the third time this has happened? (Someone you thought was your friend sleeps with your man)?

Would you consider that your own choice of friends and lovers contributes to your own misery?

disregarded96
 
  1  
Reply Sun 18 Dec, 2016 10:11 pm
@ehBeth,
Trust me, I have seen a lot of doctors and even got multiple kinds of medication. She was a trigger no denying that. Luckily I'm starting to feel a little better as time goes on
0 Replies
 
giujohn
 
  0  
Reply Sun 18 Dec, 2016 10:11 pm
Let me get this straight...You're screwing around on your boyfriend and you're upset that you're roommate is screwing your shack job???

You have an amazingly fucked up sense of what is right and wrong, are obviously way to imature to be having any sex, and seem to be emotionally unstable...Seek counseling before you do irreparable harm to someone's fragile pshyce.
0 Replies
 
disregarded96
 
  1  
Reply Sun 18 Dec, 2016 10:20 pm
@chai2,
He had no obligation to me, I can't fault him. But she was a close friend who was supposed to have my best interests at heart. It's honestly baffling that people, especially women (I'm guessing you are?), don't understand how I'm feeling.

Maybe the FWB thing isn't for me if I'm supposed to be completely fine and dandy with a close friend shacking up with one.
disregarded96
 
  -1  
Reply Sun 18 Dec, 2016 10:23 pm
@PUNKEY,
For goodness sake, please don't stoop so low as to put the blame on me for this. That's sickening.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  3  
Reply Sun 18 Dec, 2016 10:27 pm
@disregarded96,
Maybe they wanted to be more than FWB.

He was not your property. You are not her boss. You knew all if this before so just get on with your own life.

You go into a lion's den, don't complain that you get scratched.
giujohn
 
  0  
Reply Sun 18 Dec, 2016 10:28 pm
You're not to blame? You are cheating on your boyfriend and your roommate is cheating on you...You gave her permission by your actions...Are you that blind that you can't see that? Seems to me the only ones feelings that are important in this scenario is yours...How selfish is that?
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Sun 18 Dec, 2016 10:29 pm
@disregarded96,
disregarded96 wrote:
Maybe the FWB thing isn't for me if I'm supposed to be completely fine and dandy with a close friend shacking up with one.


It is NONE of your business who else your FWB person fucks. NONE of your business.

You had no right to expect your friend not to **** him. That was 100% their business.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Sun 18 Dec, 2016 10:30 pm
@disregarded96,
disregarded96 wrote:
But she was a close friend who was supposed to have my best interests at heart.


the other person was not in a relationship with you - your friend ******* him or having a relationship with him is NOT your business.
0 Replies
 
giujohn
 
  0  
Reply Sun 18 Dec, 2016 10:33 pm
Holy crap, I'm in agreement with beth...Hey 96...That should prove how wrong you are!
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Sun 18 Dec, 2016 10:36 pm
@disregarded96,
That's part of it dear.

If you and the guy don't have any obligations to each other, that extends to any obligation he has towards you as far as whoever else he has sex with.

If you have no obligations to each other, your friend is free to do whatever she wants.

If you liked to play golf, and someone who was an equally matched player agreed to play with you on certain days, would you be upset if your friend arranged to play with him on days you weren't?

I can hear you saying "but that's different!" Well, no, it isn't. Not really. However, we women do have the annoying habit of bonding through sex.

Yes, I am a woman, and all the women who have anwered you, including me, understand how you're feeling.

We are hardwired to want a stable relationship with someone, especially when we are younger. That's another subject.

I'm not saying this faulting you, because, especially at your age, I'd feel the same way.
You want a FWB.....but only as far as you being the one that gets the benefit part.

You don't have to do all the work of maintaining the emotional part of the relationship, but you do have to do the work of accepting that makes both of you free agents.

Like jes said, you can't have it both ways....that doesn't mean we don't understand.

disregarded96
 
  -1  
Reply Sun 18 Dec, 2016 11:18 pm
@chai2,
You saying that you understand is honestly all I needed to hear to start truly healing. I know that in the grand scheme of things I'm probably being irrational but my emotions about this are very real and raw and all I wanted was for someone to say they'd feel the same way in my shoes. I was beginning to feel like a crazy person, a hypersensitive trainwreck.

I was rational enough to realize that I couldn't be angry with him but she's just a completely different story. I guess my expectations were too high for her but I expected her to consider my feelings a lot more than she did, especially since she specifically told me she knew I wouldn't like it. And judging by her tearful reaction and apology...even she would completely understand how I feel in my shoes.

I just found out that they're together now and have been since a week after I caught them. If they had any feelings for each other they sure never brought them up to me.
 

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