betrayal-What the hell is happening?

Reply Sat 11 Jun, 2016 11:55 am
I know that it is normal to be betrayed, hurt or discarded by people along your path in life. I am aware life throws curve balls that you didn't see coming. Though I know "this too shall pass" and happiness is usually just around the corner. Well this has been my experience anyway.
However, In the last 3 years I have had the most unbelievable happenings in my life that Im sure most people don't see in 2 generations. These happenings range from multiple, grief crippling, tragedies to unexpected and unexplained painful betrayals from family and friends.
What I want to know is how can this all happen altogether. How can I be dealt lifes worst blows in just 3 short years. Is this normal? One of my friends said that Im maybe better off having them all together because then the pain is all at once and not dragged out over decades. A strange yet practicle explanation. probably the only one that makes sense.
Also is it normal for family and friends to turn on you after tragedies? I know that some people feel awkward in times of grief though Im not talking just a little avoidance. Im talking being deliberately excluded from weddings etc and now the ultimate strangeness - was excluded from our massive christmas family celebration that I have been going to since i was a baby (both my siblings were invited and went without so much as a "huh?why isn't our sister invited, so their not exactly defending me either).
My very close friends, including my 2 best friends have completely deserted me. One of these best friends is going so far as to sabotage me socially. All these friends are from different walks of my life e.g. some from school, some from work etc so they couldn't possibly have hatched a plan together to do this to me. Also the friends I do have left are perplexed as to why both family and friends have done this.
What the hell is happening?
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Reply Sat 11 Jun, 2016 01:20 pm
I am sorry to hear of your grief and offer suggestions without any profession of expertise:
1] Are you prepared to take the high ground? By that I mean don't fight back. Any satisfaction you get will be short lived and may unnecessarily punish someone who has hurt you unintentionally. `
2] Take some time to evaluate who you are and what you expect in a friend. This may help you find a more satisfying future.
3] Probably a few more suggestions will follow; but I think these will work.
Reply Sat 11 Jun, 2016 04:47 pm
I agree with your friend. For what ever reason, it seems to be for a lot of people I've seen and experienced it myself, that you suffer things at once, instead of one at a time over a longer period of time, I agree it's absolutely painful to deal with but for some reason, I think it's easier afterwards as you continue with life, without anymore pain for quite some time.

You have to be honest with yourself regarding why people are shutting you out "all of a sudden". Things said? Things not done? Things noticed?

Have a deep think.

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Reply Sat 11 Jun, 2016 05:09 pm
You may live in an odd place, and have a mind of your own, which is easily possible.

You may be unreasonable with the people you talk t0.

You may be the one with reason that you talk to.

We can't guess.

Look at who said what to you. Do those people form clumps?

How do we know what people said and why. They may be wrong but also have reasons for all that that we can't guess.
Reply Sat 11 Jun, 2016 05:29 pm
Death and holidays bring out the worst and the best in people. Especially relatives.

What are your DAILY relationships like?

We are just hearing your side of the story. Do you have any responsiblity in all this activity that results in your being ostracized from the family? Perhaps an elderly relative may have some insight on all the dynamics in the family.
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Reply Sat 11 Jun, 2016 09:00 pm
I'm with Osso, there's no way to tell what the issue is.

That said - something I apply to may own life:
- if I have conflict with just one person, it may just be a personality clash
- if I have conflict with two people, well it may still just be personality clashes (coincidences do happen)
- if I have conflict with three people...and especially if those 3 people aren't engaged in conflict with anyone else...then it's likely time I start looking at the common denominator (myself), and how I am contributing to the conflict.

That doesn't mean I take blame...it means exactly what I said:
- I will review how am I contributing to the conflict (using the below questions)
- what is it that I am trying to communicate
- how effectively do I think I am communicating what I need to communicate
- what is the perspective of the other person (and can I empathise in any way with that perspective)?
- how is what I am saying / doing, affecting the other party in this conflict?
- is their reaction understandable & reasonable?
- do I need to deal with (each aspect of) this conflict in the way I am currently dealing with it?
- is there an improved way I can deal with this conflict?

From that, I may decide to take another path in my dealings with those people I have conflict with.

I hope it helps.
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Reply Sun 12 Jun, 2016 09:30 am
I've been through this also - soon after my father's death. Events like this can change people...I know it changed me (for the better, that is! - just my opinion). I had to walk away from many people which was very difficult to do. I even told them why but I did leave the door open for reconciliation. A few have re-entered my life, most have not. But, I have made some wonderful friendships in the meantime! I have great memories of the people who are no longer part of my life, and those are the memories I tend to hang on to. It makes life easier to manage with this mindset - forgive, stay positive and move on with your life. Sunny ways ahead!
Reply Sun 12 Jun, 2016 01:00 pm
useful comment - and welcome to A2k.
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