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Best friend hooked up with with friend-with-benefits

 
 
disregarded96
 
  -1  
Reply Mon 19 Dec, 2016 09:14 pm
@giujohn,
I guess it wasn't the sex that I was bothered by, but the sneakiness involved. When I saw them, her reaction was nothing but guilt and shame. If she thought what she did was wrong, why shouldn't I?
ossobucotemp
 
  1  
Reply Mon 19 Dec, 2016 09:21 pm
@giujohn,
I haven't read you for quite a while.

I will listen.
0 Replies
 
giujohn
 
  3  
Reply Mon 19 Dec, 2016 09:40 pm
@disregarded96,
Well I think a Blind man with a cane could figure out where they would stand with you on the subject. I'm sure you display the same attitude in person that we see here in these posts...And if it isnt that hard seeing it electronically imagine how easy it is for your friend in person. You got the reaction she knew you would be expecting. She certainly wouldn't expect understanding from you because you probably as a matter of course never subconsciously exhibit it...Goes along with your imature outlook. Only a little kid would have hurt feelings over this considering your cheating on your boyfriend with a casual sexual liaison and in displaying those hurt feelings, of course she was embarrassed and shamed.
disregarded96
 
  -1  
Reply Tue 20 Dec, 2016 10:56 am
@giujohn,
I don't think I mentioned that I literally spent every night BAWLING over the fact that he was interested in her. I told her about this. I told her that this was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I had actual nightmares about them getting close. This she also knew about. What kind of friend would go and do the one thing that she KNEW made her friend feel this way? You're talking like you're taking her side on this and that's because I left out important details.
ehBeth
 
  4  
Reply Tue 20 Dec, 2016 11:08 am
@disregarded96,
You cheated on your boyfriend.

Was that okay?

Not really, but according to you that was his fault.

____

Your friend slept with your fuckbuddy.

No one cheated on anyone.

Was that okay?

Yes, but according to you it was wrong.

___

Interesting how everything you've presented here is flipped so it is someone else's fault - never yours. Same thing with cutting - you try to make that your friend's fault - but it's not.

Cheating/cutting/diverting blame.

Talk to a professional counsellor about this stuff. It really is above our paygrade here.
0 Replies
 
disregarded96
 
  -1  
Reply Tue 20 Dec, 2016 11:10 am
I think that everyone's problem here is that, your all trying to be strictly logical when this is an emotional issue. You're all acting like emotions don't matter which has hurt me so much more than helped. Thanks for doing the very thing that I said in my OP made me depressed.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 20 Dec, 2016 11:14 am
@disregarded96,
Talk to a professional counsellor.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Tue 20 Dec, 2016 11:32 am
@disregarded96,
Hate us all you like, but this is affecting you more deeply than it probably should and you are cutting. Both of these things should be pointing you in the direction of seeing a professional.

Please seek help to get to the root of this issue. We cannot provide that kind of support and assistance here.
0 Replies
 
perennialloner
 
  2  
Reply Tue 20 Dec, 2016 11:57 am
@disregarded96,
Hi disregarded,

When you first asked this question you wanted reassurance that your feelings on what happened are justified. You didn't get that reassurance because your feelings arent. What you didn't ask was whether your feelings are real or normal. Your feelings are real and normal. It is not uncommon for people to feel hurt when someone they've established a connection with reaches out to another person and presumably prefers that person's company to theirs.

You can talk about how you're hurting and people will listen and help you through it but you cannot expect to throw blame on someone and get the response you'd like when it's clear that person isn't the only person to blame for the situation.

You got incredibly upset that your fwb liked your friend. That's what started this thing. If you talk to a cousellor - you should - that's where you should begin. Whatever feelings in that moment have led to where you are now.

As for your being made depressed by this discussion, you should understand that one of the reasons people become depressed is because they perceive things that aren't there. They make a false reality that makes them feel like the whole world is against them. No one here is against you. It may seem that way because no one has addressed your feelings as you see fit, but really they've just tried to make you see reason to help you conquer your irrational feelings. A cousellor will be better for you because it's their job to listen and be gentle with you.
giujohn
 
  3  
Reply Tue 20 Dec, 2016 12:21 pm
Well you're right about one thing, you let your emotions get the better of logic. And as I've been trying to tell you, that's what a child would do, not a mature adult. It's one thing to have the emotions, it's an entirely different thing to let those emotions run rampant without addressing the logic of the situation.

I'm not taking anyone's side here but what you fail to see is that I and others who have responded to your post are concerned about you not your friend, otherwise we probably wouldn't have posted back to you at all. The fact that you can't see that we are trying to help you, not your friend, should be an indication to you that allowing your emotions to take over, is not a good thing.

And on the subject of cutting, I know a little bit about that, not from personal experience but from dealing with others. As you well may know the reason people cut is because they're in pain and they are trying to substitute one pain for another. Let me make a suggestion to you: when you have the urge to cut, instead of picking up a knife, pick up an ice cube instead. It can cause just as much pain but at least you're not defacing your body. You might also want to try a marker to actually write the word on the part of your body that you would normally cut, describing the emotion you're feeling.

I would likewise recommend that you seek professional counseling. I would also suggest the strong possibility that the reason you are having nightmares is not because of what your friend did, but because of the guilty feelings that you have for allowing the friendship to end. Because deep down inside subconsciously you probably know that you're wrong. That's why you came to this site to try to see if you could get others to assist you in vacuuming your conscience. My suggestion would be go forgive your friend and the nightmares will probably stop. Please let me know if there's anything else I can do to assist you but remember, I'm not going to sugarcoat it or tell you what you may want to hear. You are also free to private message me. I bid you peace.
disregarded96
 
  1  
Reply Tue 20 Dec, 2016 01:12 pm
@perennialloner,
I don't have a counselor but I do have a mentor and she's completely on my side. So is my family (they even came to the flat to tell my ex friend off). I guess that's why I'm so hellbent on not taking in what you guys and people on other forums are telling me, because I have people who DO agree with me. Our mutual friends are remaining sideless.

I'm really happy to hear that you at least think my feelings are normal. That really put me at ease. The FWB told me off and called me a "psychotic bitch" and that's stuck with me to this day and had me questioning myself. But every time I do, I have my family and mentor to back me up. Honestly, finding out that I'm wrong would do even more damage than thinking I was DONE wrong. I really really really REALLY don't handle guilt well, it's gotten me into the ER on three ocassions for suicide attempts.

I truly do feel like everyone is against me. I'll look into getting a counselor but I'm scared they won't understand me.

disregarded96
 
  1  
Reply Tue 20 Dec, 2016 01:20 pm
@giujohn,
Your last paragraph hit me really deep. So much so that I don't even want to think about it, it's just too overwhelming.

Also I've tried both the ice cubes and the markers in other situations and they've come to not do as much for me. Cutting just really makes me feel like I'm in control and I need that.

And for the letting my emotions take over, I'm naturally an extremely sensitive person, I don't think it has to do with maturity at all. My entire family is highly sensitive, it's something that no amount of counseling can change. Still I will look into getting a counselor but I pray to god they're sensitive too. Thank you.

Oh and forgiving my friend is a no-go. I don't want her to ever feel like what she did to me is forgivable and besides I've lost all respect for her to even look at her again. Not to mention my family would be very disappointed in me if I talked to her again.
0 Replies
 
perennialloner
 
  2  
Reply Tue 20 Dec, 2016 01:38 pm
@disregarded96,
You have to be able to handle guilt if you want to function as a stable human in the world. By not handling guilt you're content to do bad or unreasonable things. That's not okay. If your family is okay with that, they're just enablers for your bad and destructive behavior, both to yourself and others. You have to understand that people who agree with your position are not necessarily on your side and people who don't agree with your position are not necessarily not on your side. The people on your side are committed to helping you resolve your issues. Anyone who's not committed to that is not really on your side.

The counselor doesn't need to agree with you to help you. The counselor will help you handle life, which clearly you can't handle right now and if the 3 suicide attempts are any indication, haven't handled for a while.
0 Replies
 
giujohn
 
  1  
Reply Tue 20 Dec, 2016 01:49 pm
@disregarded96,
Your family and your Mentor while trying to be supportive are not being objective. That's not their job. They're motivated by their love for you. I don't love you. But I do care about people. And that's why I'm being honest with you.

I can assure you that you are not psychotic... Just young and immature. We all go through it. Lets not assign any blame in this situation or focus on who is right or who is wrong. But rather, let's focus on the fact that you feel guilty and the fear of that emotion causing you distress.

There's an easy fix for that... send her an email apologizing for your initial outburst and behavior and ask her to forgive you. Hell, you don't even have to mean it and you don't have to stay friends with her afterwards, but it will do wonders for your conscience.

Now let's address the probable reason why emotionally you put yourself in that position to begin with. At your age as with most people I'm sure you have feelings of insecurity or an inferiority complex as to your looks and your worth, etc. When someone has sex with you that's the ultimate acceptance by another person... or so we like to think. And when we have these feelings of inferiority and we get that acceptance we tend to guard it jealously.

It probably wouldn't have mattered if she had accepted your initial offer and had sex with him, it probably just would have taken longer for you to blow up at her as it festered over time... At least this way you got it all out in the open at once.

In your immature understanding of what sex is, in your case the need for acceptance, when this person had sex with your best friend who also gives you acceptance, afterwards you felt totally rejected by both of them. Even though I'm sure that was not their objective.

What you fail to understand is their motivation for having sex. Maybe they're just as immature emotionally as you are. Your friend probably experiences the same emotions feelings and fears as you. Probably has the same inferiority complex and the need for acceptance. Maybe even the guy does too, although he's probably just interested in dipping his wick.(ya, it's a guy thing, we can't help ourselves sometimes)

I'm sure you appreciate it when people cut you a little slack...why don't you cut them some too.

Now as for your thoughts of suicide, let me leave you with one last thought. Regardless of how you feel, any pain, or what problems you may be going through, your feelings, pain, and problems are temporary. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You should always stay in the game. Things do get better and they will get much better... Wouldn't it be a shame if you weren't around to experience it? You talked about how amazing the sex was... Wait until you experience it with someone you're in love with, who is in love with you and you both realize that this is the person you want it to last forever with... not just some **** buddy.
disregarded96
 
  1  
Reply Tue 20 Dec, 2016 02:54 pm
@giujohn,
Your response has me in tears.

This is literally exactly how it started. Literally. Literally. The entire reason I have fwbs is because they make me feel like I'm actually desirable, like I'm worthy. I am NOT a pretty girl. By FAR. The reason I got one even when I had a boyfriend is because my boyfriend being away and being so happy being away from me brought back intense feelings of undesirability. Being around my beautiful best friend everyday didn't help me at all. By the time I got that FWB, I'd grown to almost hate her because it felt like she was rubbing her beauty in my face, even when she most likely wasn't. I resented her FAR before I even met the guy.

This part I completely left out. I met him on a dating app and what attracted me to him was the fact that he was exactly HER type. I wasn't even that attracted to him, but I wanted to see if I could get a guy that was her type. That to me would give me the ultimate self worth. When we talked and I mentioned I wanted to keep it just casual sex and he agreed to meet me.... I was over the moon. I felt like I had finally "won" in a sense because she was never able to attract guys of her type (she attracted literally every other guy though). But I was. It was such a self esteem boost.

Then when we met up and he was able to have sex with me... I felt like the most attractive woman on the world. This was a guy that my best friend, the girl who I envied more than anyone in the world, would drool over. And he wanted me. The time we hooked up was the best time of my life because of this. I never even felt jealous of her anymore. So much so that them seeing each other didn't even bother me (it made me happy that she would finally see what I could get).

...Until it backfired terribly on me and he couldn't stop talking about her afterwards. When I invited him over, all of a sudden he would ask "is Katie there?" He would ask me if the three of us could hang out. He would go on and on about how cute she was. This is when my crying and nightmares started. I knew that he was into her...but all I could do was pray that somehow someway she wasn't into him. I hate myself for this but I would talk really badly about her to him hoping it would put him off her. It didn't.

So I did the same to her. I would talk about him like a dog to her, and I made the mistake of mentioning him drooling over her. I went on about how much it hurt me when he did that and she told me that was very disrespectful of him. That made me feel so much better, she really made me feel like she placed my feelings about this above her attraction for him. How naive of me. I totally forgot that while I was insecure in general, she was insecure that guys like him weren't interested in her.

So when I saw them together... all of the God-like self esteem I'd gotten from him was instantly ripped from me. I was back on square one, back being so extremely inferior to her. I just knew he liked her more, even their sex from what I could see was WAY more passionate than ours ever was. I felt like the universe hated me. I felt like the only reason he was put into my life was to reinforce her superiority over me when it was supposed to be the opposite. Like I was nothing but a cheap nasty ugly toy that bonded these perfect humans together. I already deeply resented her so this just made her dead to me. That's why I can't speak to her again. It felt like she wasnt only flaunting her superiority, but shoving it painfully into my face and then spitting on me.

I know what I need to do is get self esteem but if you saw me you'd see how hard that is. I've been compared to so many animals and I'm almost 100 lbs overweight. My whole life I've felt unfuckable. So having a lot of guys prove me wrong..it's wonderful. I get a little possessive over them because they give me the best gift of all: worth.

It's just a really really REALLY hard pill to swallow.







giujohn
 
  1  
Reply Tue 20 Dec, 2016 03:11 pm
@disregarded96,
I Sent you a private message.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 20 Dec, 2016 05:10 pm
@disregarded96,
Please talk with a professional counsellor.
disregarded96
 
  2  
Reply Tue 20 Dec, 2016 05:21 pm
@ehBeth,
Setting up an appointment now. I'm terrified at what they'll tell me but obviously this is what I need.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 20 Dec, 2016 05:36 pm
@disregarded96,
You may not always like what happens when you work with a counsellor but my experience and training tell me that the majority (vast majority) come into it with the hope of helping people more forward with support. It can be challenging, but that's part of change and progress.
0 Replies
 
 

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