Wed 4 Oct, 2017 12:05 am
This is a complicated situation, but I will try to simplify it as best as I can. The reason I'm on this forum is that I just can't shake this anger I've been feeling for months.
BACK STORY: James has been my friend for 13 years. We were in an open relationship for three years nearly 13 years ago. We have not slept together in over 8 years. We have stayed good friends. He has frequently flirted with me, but he flirts with everyone. Even when he was in a relationship, he still would flirt. It's just his personality and I stopped taking it seriously.
Julia has been my friend for 8 years. She is a struggling actress in LA. James is a producer. If you know anything about Hollywood, you can probably see where this is going.
NOW: 6 months ago, I invited Julia and James to a party with me. We had a good time, but I went home with another guy that night. The next day, there seemed to be a shift in James and he kinda brushed me off to the side and started giving all the attention to Julia. I apologized to him, saying I appreciated hanging out and sorry if it was rude I left to hang out with that guy. He said it was no big deal, but still months on end I just noticed he was different with me and started hanging out more with Julia. I became increasingly uncomfortable. Mainly because I felt left out and ignored. Also, Julia, even though she's my friend, there's something about her I don't trust.
About two months ago, my mom was in the hospital, she almost died. I saved her life. For support, Julia asked James to fly out to see me. They both came, which was nice, but the whole time - James talked and talked about himself. Then flirted with her the ENTIRE TIME. Never once asked how I was feeling. Never included me in the conversation. Like, why are you even here?
I said how I felt. We all made our peace - or so I thought - then after a while he just cut me off. Saying he needed to re-asses our friendship and that I was being inconsiderate of his feelings and that he's just a nice hardworking guy, and he felt he would get more back out of this friendship. First off, if he had an expectation and never discussed that with me I think it's his problem.
Julia and I stopped talking shortly before he cut me off. I think she was saying stuff about me to him. I feel really betrayed. I mean, just because my mom was on the verge of death, doesn't mean I'm no longer uncomfortable with you both flirting in front of me. There is a time and a place. Have some tact!
FFS they were flirting while in the hospital room (or before or after it)????
They're both selfish and inconsiderate. You are better off without them in your life.
The whole time.
I think you're right. When I expressed how I felt the guy got angry and said I was inconsiderate of his feelings cause he got over a break up and was just trying to feel again. I guess he thought I was ruining it by saying I was uncomfortable. Ridiculous.
Yep. Ridiculous is the word.
First off, I'm glad your mother is better and good for you for visiting her in the hospital and being there. That's bigger than you might think.
And yeah, sigh, I'm so sorry they were so awful to you (and to your mother, I might add).
I hope for better friends for you in the future. No doubt there are tons of people out there who would be better companions.
Yeah agree with jespah...you are better off without "friends" that when you really their support pretty much ignore you (I question too why the heck they came out there)
Sometimes you just really need to break ties with "friends". I had an experience a bit like yours - when you realize your friend(s) is truly just a selfish person and it is better to cut ties.
My friend was in my wedding party - we were going to do a bachelorette weekend all planned, etc. Shortly before the weekend we get a call early in the morning - my future husband's dad was killed in an accident - he lived across the country - of course he wanted to go as soon as possible - we made the arrangements, I contacted whoever I could to cancel the weekend plans.
My mom stayed at our home to field any questions and to help out as she could while we rushed to be with family across the country. I did not contact that one friend, but of course my mom did tell her.
After getting back home and back to work, this "friend" calls me at work - instead of expressing sympathy - she jumps in and yells at me why didn't you tell me the weekend was canceled...I know my mom told her because my mom let me know she had the conversation --- so I said you know what happened...her response, but yeah why didn't you call me! Never once saying sorry or anything. I had known this women for over 5 years. At that point I realized -- she is really selfish. I realized I have always been the understanding one if she had to change things last minute, etc. This was the straw sort of speak --- so I simply said "That's it...I don't want anything further to do with you." I think I shocked her - but I had it - sometimes you just end it.
Thank you so much for reading this and replying. You're right. It's best to cut the cord now. It's a shame it had to end like this though, but that's life sometimes I guess.
That's terrible what you went through and I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds a bit similar to mine - with selfish friends. When you're going through hard times you do see who is really there, but in this case (and I think you can relate), I just don't have the capacity for some people like I used to.
Unfortunately you do see who are really good friends - the fortunate thing is there are many who are - look at it this way at least you know not to waste any more time or energy in "friends" that really aren't. There are so many good people in the world better to focus your time and energy with them.
These people don't seem like they're worth your time. You and James have been over for years and you don't like him anymore, fair enough. I'm guessing you wouldn't mind them both getting together, because why would you? But when they start cutting you out for each other, that's when you should draw the line. Once they fall out/have a fight they'll come running back but my advice is don't give them the attention they seek, they didn't do the same for you!!
They weren't true friends BEFORE this incident. Why would you expect them to be there for you at your time of real need and attention?
Sorry, but you mis- read them and what they were going to be for you. Accept that you were a part of this disapppointment.
Lesson learned, huh??
Thanks. You're right. It was a lesson learned.