I'm 42....he's 17!! it's long. sorry)

musiclvr - One of the things that I did not mention is the group of folks who responded to this post are a quite sophisticated bunch, with lots of varied life experiences. So you are not dealing with prudes.

Ok...just to reply to a couple of things. In response to him and I having the same interests, etc. I have also been around the block a time or two and don't care about anyone taking care of me financially...and he actually does have a job and pays his parents rent already. He has saved $2000 towards a car and already has his parents permission to move out when he graduates. We like the same music, we both love cars, we talk about history and art. So not to justify this but just to say that we do have common interests and can talk about anything. BUT I'm not going to marry the kid. His parents would disown him and I wouldn't want that no matter how much he SAYS he doesn't care....he would eventually.

Also...I never thought any of you were prudes. lol. I do appreciate MOST of the comments and suggestions

I do have to wonder if he might be cultivating interests of yours in order to get in your pants, and if you perceive this as what it is. I'm not so old as to forget being 17. I would never have picked up a guitar if I didn't expect it would get me laid. My perspectives were skewed. My hormones were out of control. Are yours? This reads like a mid-life crisis, without concern for the boy, really. You won't fall hard for him, but you will have fun. He is young, he will fall harder. You are old enough to know that he will eventually 'get over it'. He doesn't know this yet, and the consequences of whatever decision you make will influence him much more than they will you.

Wow, this is hot!

A friend of mine told me some time ago that in order for a relationship to succeed, there has to be mental, emotional, and physical attraction. Which one of these do you share with him? What does your son think about? And... did you have any event in your life (in the past) that could have caused this?

If it was 44/19, I wouldn't have any particular problem with it -- sure, 19-year-olds are hot. Hotter than most 44-year-olds, anyway. There would be circumstances that would make me more or less concerned about it, but I wouldn't be categorically opposed.

That's part of what I was getting at with a more nuanced response depending on laws.

However, according to the laws for your state, it's illegal, plan and simple. So that to me means there is no room for nuance. That's cool that you're working on your own issues, musiclvr (how's that going), but to me the only question is how you handle the fact that you will have nothing to do with him.

The age/stage ratio doesn't bother you at all, soz? B/c the ratio 44/19 is the same as that of 101. 89/44... I am 44 and not at all attracted to 100 year old men... And I have sons who are 23 and 21 and could never be attracted to men their age- why, I feel maternal and protective toward them, can't even see them as hot even though I know they are by the popular standard of beauty...

How old are you, soz? Let's plug your age into the old calculator and see what the same age ratio would bring for you... If you are 30, would you be attracted to 70 year olds? If you are 35, how do 81 year olds attract you? And the other way, if you are 30, could you be attracted toa 13 year old? If you are 35, could you be attracted to a 15 year old?

You're 25 years older than he is. When you discuss the history of this country, for example, you were physically at some location when Kennedy was assassinated, you watched men walk on the moon for the first time, you watched the Watergate scandel unfold on our television screens, you remember the Challenger disaster actually happening. For you, these are current events you lived through, for him these are just dates in a U.S. history book.

I think what you are attracted to often has nothing to do with age, young or old. It's how you act upon those feelings that have consequences. At the same time, there is no consequence, other than stigmatic, to a relationship between two consenting adults. In the U.S., whether you like it or not, 18 is considered adulthood.

When I'm 44, I can imagine being attracted to a 19-year-old.

I hope I wouldn't be in a position to ACT on it (I hope to still be happily married to my then-46-y-o husband), but I can imagine it.

Some best case/ worst case scenarios for 44-19:

Best case: He's basically confident but still somewhat insecure, not really sure how to handle himself. She's confident, at her sexual peak, single, very straightforward. They don't have any kind of pre-existing power relationship (employee/employer, professor/student.) They lay everything on the table ahead of time, no particular expectations, and are honest and caring with each other. He ends up more confident and more knowledgable. She has fun. They part amicably.

In that case, I have no particular problem with it. No harm, no foul.

Worst case:

She's emotionally immature, has a need for power. He's needy and insecure, and susceptible to her machinations. She keeps him tethered to her tightly with sex -- he feels awful that he has such desire for her and can't help himself. They get into a bad shame spiral. He ends up being spit out at the other end of a long "relationship", bitter and cynical about women, permanently damaged.

Well, those are kind of rough examples. But hopefully you get the idea.

The ratio thing means pretty much nothing to me. Anyone over the legal age of consent with anyone else over the legal age of consent could be just fine. More challenges, but not absolutely impossible.

Well, I'm a 42-yr-old woman and I can honestly say that 17-yr-olds can seem to be rather hot (this is not to dis my hubby by any means) but I would hate hanging around with any one of 'em for more than about 5 minutes.

Let's go to the mall!
I've got homework!
Can you drive me?
What's sex really like?
etc. etc. etc.

Maybe I'm an old so-and-so, but my conversations are filled with books, work and mundane things like paying the mortgage and making dinner. Most 17-yr-olds' conversations are filled with cars, concerts and when and where to get some.

I think cav's right; I think this guy is mirroring your preferences and behaviors because he has a crush on you, senses you are interested and vulnerable, and it's all a ploy to make whoopie (how's that for an outdated metaphor?).

He wants sex, and senses it will be easier with you than with his peers. He is feeding you a sack of lines in order to try to get it. You need to be the grownup here and think of your future, if you won't think of his, and also of your future relationship with your son, and dump this kid before you find yourself in court.

Jes- Agree. It must be pretty heady stuff for a seventeen year old to have an OLDER WOMAN interested in him. Ohmygawd, what power. All his friends are dating Suzy teenager, and he has this mature, experienced babe lusting after him. What a rush this must be for him.

Aside from the word 'mature', I agree with you Phoenix. It is indeed pretty heady stuff.

Cav- I am using the word "mature" in the sense,

"Having reached full natural growth or development."

It was not a value judgment.

I know Phoenix, and all of that is indeed attractive to a 17 year old.

Just tell this kid that if he wants to date older women, go for 19-year olds. 19-year olds are hot. And I don't care how old you are (men).

I'm sorry - I'm new, I don't have a lot of friends on this sight... But, i just gotta say:

Musiclvr someone is NOT Bashing you on this sight!!!!!!!!![size=12][/size]

I am reminded of a recent comedy special thrown by Dave Chappel... he compared Elizabeth Smart ("poor thing, she was only 15/16") to some black kid who did something stupid (admittedly) but accidentally and got tried as an adult and got LIFE at the same tender age of 15 (or 16, I forget)

His point was, if you want to play the age card you need to decide what that age really is! You can't have the proverbial cake and get full at the same time.

And for those out there who "wouldn't have a problem if it was 19/44" seriously, do you remember all of a sudden becoming smarter and more mature on that magical birthday?? I don't believe I matured an extra amount in that year than in any other - either it's wrong or it's not (my vote is for not if both parties are honestly consenting; and I KNOW I was clearheadedly consenting when I was 17!!!) but you can't have it both ways...

However, I do agree you should do everything right to not go to prison... have you ever seen HBO's OZ?

Yes, it's the prison part.

Lines are arbitrary -- we know it's not OK for a 30-year-old to have a sexual relationship with a 10-year-old, we know it is OK (purely age-wise anyway) for two 30-year-olds to have a sexual relationship... where is the line drawn, though?

If you want to argue that the line should be drawn at an age lower than 18, we can argue it. But I'm not going to advise musiclvr to break the law -- and if she has any kind of a relationship with this guy before he's 18, she's breaking the law. In fact it sounds like she already has.

I kiss my kids every day. I must be a bad, bad person.

Oh come on, cjhsa. You think that she's kissing this guy the way you kiss your kids?

If her definition is on the cheek, or a quick peck on the lips, I'd be less likely to call it "sexual contact" though I'd still caution her to be really, really careful.

I don't know. It was never explained in detail...