1
   

Oh crap. Now I have to get a bigger penis?

 
 
panzade
 
  1  
Reply Thu 12 Aug, 2004 02:54 pm
Yeah, well...my understanding of female anatomy leads me to believe there aren't too many nerve endings there. That's what she said anyway. Might have been sparing ny feelings.
0 Replies
 
Eva
 
  1  
Reply Thu 12 Aug, 2004 03:25 pm
There, there....<patting head> I'm sure she was just trying to make you feel better. I'm sure it wasn't your fault.




<snicker>
0 Replies
 
panzade
 
  1  
Reply Thu 12 Aug, 2004 03:34 pm
Yes Eva! You can dream. <guffaw>
0 Replies
 
kickycan
 
  1  
Reply Thu 12 Aug, 2004 03:37 pm
Eva, thanks for the insider information. I'm a grower, definitely a grower. In fact, I'm a' growin' right now...that reminds me of a joke.

What were the first words that Adam said to Eve in the Garden of Eden?

Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets!
0 Replies
 
MyOwnUsername
 
  1  
Reply Thu 12 Aug, 2004 03:38 pm
Very Happy
0 Replies
 
cavfancier
 
  1  
Reply Thu 12 Aug, 2004 03:39 pm
Then Eve said "Is that a rib in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Wan't an apple?"
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BumbleBeeBoogie
 
  1  
Reply Thu 12 Aug, 2004 04:39 pm
Cav
Cav, you crack me up you rascal.

BBB Laughing Laughing Embarrassed Embarrassed Laughing Laughing
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Thu 12 Aug, 2004 05:41 pm
Forget surgery for the women. Just encourage them to do their Kegels. Work like a freakin' charm. Very Happy
0 Replies
 
Letty
 
  1  
Reply Thu 12 Aug, 2004 06:01 pm
What gets me is the pill that warns if a man has an erection for longer than four hours, see a doctor. My Gawd.
0 Replies
 
panzade
 
  1  
Reply Thu 12 Aug, 2004 06:04 pm
scary ain't it? Twisted Evil
0 Replies
 
Letty
 
  1  
Reply Thu 12 Aug, 2004 06:07 pm
funny panz..Just plain funny. Laughin'..Have to laugh..never respond to these type threads but the urge was just too overwhelming.
0 Replies
 
panzade
 
  1  
Reply Thu 12 Aug, 2004 06:08 pm
You're a dear
0 Replies
 
msolga
 
  1  
Reply Thu 12 Aug, 2004 06:08 pm
It certainly is! Imagine the poor woman stuck with THAT for 4 hours! Shocked
0 Replies
 
Letty
 
  1  
Reply Thu 12 Aug, 2004 06:11 pm
Damn...still laughin'. Thanks for the upbeat thread, kicky

and Panz..you're a tiger....God... Very Happy
0 Replies
 
panzade
 
  1  
Reply Thu 12 Aug, 2004 06:14 pm
Embarrassed Kicky just called me pansy on another thread. HEAR THAT KICKY?
0 Replies
 
Joahaeyo
 
  1  
Reply Thu 12 Aug, 2004 06:46 pm
To all the small wieners out there,

what's the point in having some magnificent tower of fear if your girly only has the passage-way meant for a 6in?

if you're aiming for the great 8, you may be disappointed when she gives you the ol "I've got a headache" speech. You'll leave the pool girl too sore and swollen.

I agree with the others that say, just read up on those several wild spots on a gal that make her say "O."
0 Replies
 
Letty
 
  1  
Reply Thu 12 Aug, 2004 06:53 pm
One serious moment here. all a woman wants is to be touched..feel needed, and to have someone to rely on in times of trouble. Nothing else is necessary.
0 Replies
 
Joahaeyo
 
  1  
Reply Thu 12 Aug, 2004 06:57 pm
Hmm. When I get married in 281 days, I'm just going to want to say "O" in as many forms as I can. No lovey dovey stuff.

Smile
0 Replies
 
Diane
 
  1  
Reply Thu 12 Aug, 2004 08:20 pm
Will you all forget that bogus stuff and let Dave Barry instruct you in a little Daoism combined with rigorous exercise? The good part starts four paragraphs down if you're not up to reading the entire column...

-by Dave Barry

Our topic today is: "The Mexican Peso Crisis-An Ominous Harbinger ofGlobal Monetary Instability, or What?" In evaluating the implications of any significant currency fluctuation,it is essential to consider fully the numerous ramifications of the incipient transmogrification and consequent decollaterization that inevitably ensue insofar as such phenomena impact upon the question of whether any newspaper editor is still reading this column. I sincerely doubt it.
Modern editors spend the bulk of their days attending mandatory workshops on how to halt the decline in newspaper readership; this leaves them with very little time to read what they put inthe actual newspaper.

So I began this column with a disguise layer of denseprose, assuming that editors would get just far enough to write a standard unintelligible Tonto-style headline like "Big Peso Ramifications Seen" and slap the whole package in the paper without ever discovering the real topic, which is how much weight a guy in Hong Kong can lift, and what body part he lifts it with. I'm hiding this topic because I've learned, over the years, that some newspapers tend to censor this column when it deals with sensitive issues.

To cite one of many examples, back in 1990 I wrote a column about politics,and the Portland, Ore., Oregonian cut out a crucial section in which I explained how snails have sex. Thus, because of one newspaper's squemishness, Oregon's voters were deprived of information that would have helped them make informed decisions, which probably explains why Oregon is the only state in history ever to have elected Bob Packwood.

Which brings us to this guy in Hong Kong, whom I found out about thanks to alert reader Jeffrey Hantover, who sent me an article written by Alex Lo for the Feb. 8, 1995, issue of a Hong Kong newspaper, The Eastern Express.The article concerns an amazing physical feat that this guy performed, using an explicit part of his anatomy that, in the interest of decency, I will refer to by a randomly selected alias instead of its real name. Here'sthe first sentence of The Eastern Express article, with just that one word changed: "A Daosit philospher and martial art expert who has spent a lifetime mastering the art of lifting weights with his Packwood showed his prowess yesterday by lifting 159 kilograms of metal discs in one burst of masculine strength." Above the article is a large and-if you are a male-very scary photograph showing this guy squatting over a massive pile of weights; in the background is an onlooker who is clearly thinking the Chinese word for"Ouch."

The story (again, I am making tasteful word substitutions) goes onto state: "Chan Tze-tan, 49, attached a total of 159 kg of weights to several red ropes which he tied tightly around his Packwood and Newts. He then lifted the metal discs 12 centimeters off the floor and held on for 10-seconds before letting go." The article states that the audience, a dozen men, "applauded after along silence." And well they should applaud. Do you have any idea how much weight 159 kilograms is? Neither do I. There's no way to tell without multiplying. But it's definitely a lot of weight, and we know this was not a hoax, because the article states that "a television personality, Anthony Tang, inspected Chan's underwear to make sure there was no wiring around his body."

At last: A practical use for television personalities. The article states that Chan credited his ability to the "breakthrough insights" he had into Daoist philosophy. He claimed that he had 25 disciples, "and most of them could lift up to 13 kg with their private parts." There is no mention of a workout video. I don't know about you, but this story makes me want to know more about the Daoist philosophy. I took a philosophy course in college, but all we studied were guys like Aristotle and Socrates, who droned on endlessly about the meaning of life and other useless topics. Whereas with your Daoism, you apparently can develop this useful skill that has countless practical applications. For example, you could use it to ward off armed street criminals:

FIRST STREET CRIMINAL: Hand over your money! DAOIST PHILOSOPHER: Oh yeah? (He drops his pants.)SECOND STREET CRIMINAL: What the heck is he...Wow! FIRST STREET CRIMINAL: He's lifting a manhole cover without using his hands!TELEVISION PERSONALITY: And there's no wiring in his underwear! (The criminals flee.)

Also I believe that top Daoist philosophers would be in real demand as paid entertainers for weddings, bar mitzvahs, White House dinners, etc. Thus we see that Daoism, practiced wisely, could provide a vital economic counterweight to the ramifications of this darned Mexican peso crisis. Although if you think I"m going to practice it, you're Newts.
0 Replies
 
gustavratzenhofer
 
  1  
Reply Thu 12 Aug, 2004 08:42 pm
As long as we're talking about penises, I might as well describe mine:

Fourteen inches in length it is.

Now hold on one second. I imagine there are quite a few wide-eyed ladies in the reading audience gasping right now and exclaiming, "Gus has a fourteen inch penis! I had no idea! Where does he live?"

Calm down ladies. We haven't discussed the girth yet.

Therein lies the problem.

I'm not sure if there's a micrometer caliper accurate enough to measure the girth, but let me put it this way -- it resembles a fishing line.

Yep, sticks straight out like a length of fishing line.

Might as well put a hook on the end of the damn thing.

Maybe a bobber on my testicles for when I do get lucky.

But, such are the cards I've been dealt.
0 Replies
 
 

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