18
   

Can he truly forgive me for cheating?

 
 
yME81
 
Reply Wed 19 Aug, 2015 08:07 pm
So my question is "when does it get better?" I cheated on my husband about 2 months ago after being married for almost 15 years. He chose to forgive me and continue to work on our marriage but it dsnt seem to be going well. We can have days that are great, but when the thought of it pops in his head it just goes down hill. I tell him all the time tht I understand tht I screwed up so this is expected but it's exhausting.
 
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Wed 19 Aug, 2015 08:57 pm
@yME81,
There's only one person who can answer this for you, and you're married to him.
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 06:35 am
@yME81,
This is why people get counseling. This episode in your marriage is the unresolved elephant in the room and, unless you get it out in front of an impartial observer, you are going to continue to walk on eggshells.
HesDeltanCaptain
 
  -4  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 07:03 am
@yME81,
Monogamy isn't natural and just makes everyone miserable forcing the most important person in your life to lie to you. Of course sex with the same person for years is going to get boring. When it does and people start fantasizing about others, instead of making them think they should hate themselves for it, encourage them to enjoy others. Nothing strengthens a relationship more than sexual maturity.
yME81
 
  1  
Reply Mon 24 Aug, 2015 07:05 am
@chai2,
He tells me tht as long as we keep fighting for our marriage tht it will eventually get better. But I'm nt sure about tht. When we argue now, it's 100x worse than ever before. Guess I just have to wait around and see
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Mon 24 Aug, 2015 07:09 am
@yME81,
You cheated two months ago.

That's a pretty fresh event.

Who are you working with as a couple to help you with your marriage?
yME81
 
  1  
Reply Mon 24 Aug, 2015 07:10 am
@jespah,
That was his suggestion right when he decided to forgive me. We went to a marriage counselor about 5 times. And every time we left, he was even angrier. So he no longer wanted to go. I just want this part to be over with
yME81
 
  1  
Reply Mon 24 Aug, 2015 07:19 am
@HesDeltanCaptain,
My sex life with my husband was never boring. We always made sure that we still made time to "sneak away." We tried new things together which made our relationship pretty strong. Everyone on the outside could see how strong our marriage WAS. I never in my life thought I'd b the one to cheat. I strongly believe in marriage, but I did make the worst mistake ever.
0 Replies
 
yME81
 
  2  
Reply Mon 24 Aug, 2015 07:24 am
@ehBeth,
Yes it is still pretty fresh. We were seeing a marriage counselor but tht didn't seem to go very well.
LoveCollette
 
  1  
Reply Fri 28 Aug, 2015 03:34 pm
@yME81,
It's all very well you saying that you "just want this to be over", but you cheated and there are consequences to cheating, so now you have to be patient with your husband who is obviously still hurting. Stop making this all about you and think about how your husband feels.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Fri 28 Aug, 2015 04:45 pm
@yME81,
It might have been too soon to start counselling.
0 Replies
 
yME81
 
  0  
Reply Mon 7 Sep, 2015 06:45 pm
@LoveCollette,
I knw tht there were consequences for the mistake I made. And I don't feel like I see tht it's all about me. I knw tht it bothers him and tht he is still hurting. I just thought maybe it was too much for him to keep trying and I didn't want him to keep hurting. But because he is still willing to keep working on this, I am not going to give up. I just don't knw if he really can forgive me. I wouldn't blame him if he couldn't.
vikorr
 
  3  
Reply Mon 7 Sep, 2015 08:50 pm
@yME81,
As Chai2 mentioned - the only person who can answer your question, is your husband:

- some can forgive, some can't
- some think they can forgive, and find out they can't
- some think they can't ever forgive, but find out they can

2 months is not a particularly long time for someone to feel deeply hurt, or angry, over such an event. Communication, and timing, are they keys to finding out which way this will fall with him.

You can by they way, go to a counsellor by yourself (or start reading books), to find out:

- how to communicate with someone like your husband
- how to help people who are hurt by you, heal
- how to handle conflict
- how to stand up for yourself while showing that you care (just because you have done something wrong, does not mean you have to cop never ending abuse...if that is occurring)
- to find out, for yourself, why you did what you did
0 Replies
 
HesDeltanCaptain
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Sep, 2015 07:16 am
@yME81,
No one's ever forgiven for cheating. "I forgive you" is only a phrase people say. but it doesn't erase the tresspass and people still remember it. The next time something gives rise to suspicion or doubt, the prior cheating comes back to the fore orf their minds turning a little thing into a bigger thing whether for cause or not.
engineer
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Sep, 2015 07:22 am
@yME81,
Without going into the gory details, why did you cheat and how did your husband find out?
vikorr
 
  2  
Reply Tue 8 Sep, 2015 03:39 pm
@HesDeltanCaptain,
Quote:
No one's ever forgiven for cheating. "I forgive you" is only a phrase people say. but it doesn't erase the tresspass and people still remember it.
I think perhaps that you are confusing forgiveness with:
- trust. The trespass against trust results in a lessening (often severe) of trust. It takes time, and activity to rebuild trust. It may never reach heights that previously existed.
- memory. It's rather impossible to forget.

So neither trust, nor memory are about forgiveness. Forgiveness, to my mind, is about:

- recognising as humans, we make mistakes (recognition of which does not require a rise in trust level, nor forgetting a memory)
- letting go of the emotional trauma. This doesn't need a mending of the trust, but a letting go of the pain of the betrayal. You can still have the memory, but let go of the same pain.

Of course, as previously mentioned, sometimes people think they can forgive (or have forgiven) but can't (or haven't).

Perhaps you have a view of forgiveness as resulting in outcomes that are perfect, rather than in outcomes that are functional.
yME81
 
  0  
Reply Wed 9 Sep, 2015 11:40 pm
@engineer,
He was no longer spending time with me. He was going out every time he was off of work. This was going on for almost 2 yrs. I told him tht if I wasn't raised a certain way that I would have already cheated on him. That didn't change n e thing and eventually I found some1 who listened to me, even though I knew it was wrong, and went further than I should have.
cheated
 
  -1  
Reply Mon 14 Sep, 2015 08:39 pm
@yME81,
If your husband is willing to keep trying, there is always hope. But you have to understand, it has just been a couple of months. The pain your husband is feeling is real. My wife confessed her infidelity over a year ago, and while she is no longer in communication with the OM, there are still times when the thoughts still haunt me. Keep working on it, be totally transparent with him.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Mon 2 Nov, 2015 09:04 pm
@vikorr,
Trust and it getting to be ongoing is very possible.
0 Replies
 
Youthinkimdumb
 
  3  
Reply Tue 17 Nov, 2015 04:09 pm
@HesDeltanCaptain,
Way to push your own agenda. Monogamy IS absolutely natural and has been practiced for many many years by both humans and other animals in the world. Yes i agree same sex gets boring, so its important to cultivate spontaneity and regularity in the act with the significant other. Sex is intimate, but so often those with multiple partners actually have intimacy issues because they see the person they are having sex with as an object. Its very easy to get bored with an object, but a person you emotionally engage with deeply and love its much harder to get bored. Caring for each other though sickness and health.... That **** is deep. But you probably won't get that from a mistress. Maybe some can. But Man, life is about more than sex, We age, and grow old. Shame to ruin a relationship over carnal instinct. And an animalistic cop out is not very reasonable view when even animals know their responsibilities are to care for offspring and not be boinking some other randy creature out there when there is a brood at home to raise. Same for humans. If you are married in a seemingly monogamous relationship with kids, its actually pretty smart to stick around and help and not go out and potentially implode their world. Now if you are looking for an open relationship, look for someone like minded. Don't lie and deceive. That crap is cruel. No matter your beliefs of sexuality and monogamy, Deceit is still wrong.
0 Replies
 
 

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