Can he truly forgive me for cheating?

There's only one person who can answer this for you, and you're married to him.

This is why people get counseling. This episode in your marriage is the unresolved elephant in the room and, unless you get it out in front of an impartial observer, you are going to continue to walk on eggshells.

Monogamy isn't natural and just makes everyone miserable forcing the most important person in your life to lie to you. Of course sex with the same person for years is going to get boring. When it does and people start fantasizing about others, instead of making them think they should hate themselves for it, encourage them to enjoy others. Nothing strengthens a relationship more than sexual maturity.

He tells me tht as long as we keep fighting for our marriage tht it will eventually get better. But I'm nt sure about tht. When we argue now, it's 100x worse than ever before. Guess I just have to wait around and see

You cheated two months ago.

That's a pretty fresh event.

Who are you working with as a couple to help you with your marriage?

That was his suggestion right when he decided to forgive me. We went to a marriage counselor about 5 times. And every time we left, he was even angrier. So he no longer wanted to go. I just want this part to be over with

My sex life with my husband was never boring. We always made sure that we still made time to "sneak away." We tried new things together which made our relationship pretty strong. Everyone on the outside could see how strong our marriage WAS. I never in my life thought I'd b the one to cheat. I strongly believe in marriage, but I did make the worst mistake ever.

Yes it is still pretty fresh. We were seeing a marriage counselor but tht didn't seem to go very well.

It's all very well you saying that you "just want this to be over", but you cheated and there are consequences to cheating, so now you have to be patient with your husband who is obviously still hurting. Stop making this all about you and think about how your husband feels.

It might have been too soon to start counselling.

I knw tht there were consequences for the mistake I made. And I don't feel like I see tht it's all about me. I knw tht it bothers him and tht he is still hurting. I just thought maybe it was too much for him to keep trying and I didn't want him to keep hurting. But because he is still willing to keep working on this, I am not going to give up. I just don't knw if he really can forgive me. I wouldn't blame him if he couldn't.

As Chai2 mentioned - the only person who can answer your question, is your husband:

- some can forgive, some can't
- some think they can forgive, and find out they can't
- some think they can't ever forgive, but find out they can

2 months is not a particularly long time for someone to feel deeply hurt, or angry, over such an event. Communication, and timing, are they keys to finding out which way this will fall with him.

You can by they way, go to a counsellor by yourself (or start reading books), to find out:

- how to communicate with someone like your husband
- how to help people who are hurt by you, heal
- how to handle conflict
- how to stand up for yourself while showing that you care (just because you have done something wrong, does not mean you have to cop never ending abuse...if that is occurring)
- to find out, for yourself, why you did what you did

No one's ever forgiven for cheating. "I forgive you" is only a phrase people say. but it doesn't erase the tresspass and people still remember it. The next time something gives rise to suspicion or doubt, the prior cheating comes back to the fore orf their minds turning a little thing into a bigger thing whether for cause or not.

Without going into the gory details, why did you cheat and how did your husband find out?

I think perhaps that you are confusing forgiveness with:
- trust. The trespass against trust results in a lessening (often severe) of trust. It takes time, and activity to rebuild trust. It may never reach heights that previously existed.
- memory. It's rather impossible to forget.

So neither trust, nor memory are about forgiveness. Forgiveness, to my mind, is about:

- recognising as humans, we make mistakes (recognition of which does not require a rise in trust level, nor forgetting a memory)
- letting go of the emotional trauma. This doesn't need a mending of the trust, but a letting go of the pain of the betrayal. You can still have the memory, but let go of the same pain.

Of course, as previously mentioned, sometimes people think they can forgive (or have forgiven) but can't (or haven't).

Perhaps you have a view of forgiveness as resulting in outcomes that are perfect, rather than in outcomes that are functional.

He was no longer spending time with me. He was going out every time he was off of work. This was going on for almost 2 yrs. I told him tht if I wasn't raised a certain way that I would have already cheated on him. That didn't change n e thing and eventually I found some1 who listened to me, even though I knew it was wrong, and went further than I should have.

Trust and it getting to be ongoing is very possible.

Way to push your own agenda. Monogamy IS absolutely natural and has been practiced for many many years by both humans and other animals in the world. Yes i agree same sex gets boring, so its important to cultivate spontaneity and regularity in the act with the significant other. Sex is intimate, but so often those with multiple partners actually have intimacy issues because they see the person they are having sex with as an object. Its very easy to get bored with an object, but a person you emotionally engage with deeply and love its much harder to get bored. Caring for each other though sickness and health.... That **** is deep. But you probably won't get that from a mistress. Maybe some can. But Man, life is about more than sex, We age, and grow old. Shame to ruin a relationship over carnal instinct. And an animalistic cop out is not very reasonable view when even animals know their responsibilities are to care for offspring and not be boinking some other randy creature out there when there is a brood at home to raise. Same for humans. If you are married in a seemingly monogamous relationship with kids, its actually pretty smart to stick around and help and not go out and potentially implode their world. Now if you are looking for an open relationship, look for someone like minded. Don't lie and deceive. That crap is cruel. No matter your beliefs of sexuality and monogamy, Deceit is still wrong.

I don't have the answer to when does it get better. I found out my husband cheated and it has almost been a year since my D- day. I have promised to TRY to forgive him, but i am still just about to file for Divorce.

He gets defensive and will not discuss things well 100% of the time. He is sometimes a person i hate. (No i don't tell him i hate him) so i guess i lie.

Here i am a year later and he is almost doing all the right things and i can't decide if he has just hurt me enough and I'm done, or will those old feelings of love come back? We have three boys all under 6 and they are a handful. I have a hard time imagining being a single parent. I ******* hate being trapped in this situation and this crap he put me in. Why? Because he felt something was lacking. He WANTED it was all about him in the moments he chased after women.

I tell you, if your husband decides he CAN forgive you it will be years from now. In the mean time he will be trying to heal, trying to cope, and trying not to hate you. Trying not to miss the days when he thought it was good. Trying to get over it.... Trying not to cheat on you. Trying to think straight, and not resent you for all you have done. THEN he will try to really forgive you.

The in-between of recovery and reconciliation is the hardest place i have ever been. I want to love him. I want to remain in the life i once LOVED so much. But the pain of betrayal....It really wipes away all that is good. EVERYTHING.

you have to decide if you have it in you to take all that. Good luck.