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Can he truly forgive me for cheating?

 
 
Youthinkimdumb
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 Nov, 2015 04:18 pm
@yME81,
I don't have the answer to when does it get better. I found out my husband cheated and it has almost been a year since my D- day. I have promised to TRY to forgive him, but i am still just about to file for Divorce.

He gets defensive and will not discuss things well 100% of the time. He is sometimes a person i hate. (No i don't tell him i hate him) so i guess i lie.

Here i am a year later and he is almost doing all the right things and i can't decide if he has just hurt me enough and I'm done, or will those old feelings of love come back? We have three boys all under 6 and they are a handful. I have a hard time imagining being a single parent. I ******* hate being trapped in this situation and this crap he put me in. Why? Because he felt something was lacking. He WANTED it was all about him in the moments he chased after women.

I tell you, if your husband decides he CAN forgive you it will be years from now. In the mean time he will be trying to heal, trying to cope, and trying not to hate you. Trying not to miss the days when he thought it was good. Trying to get over it.... Trying not to cheat on you. Trying to think straight, and not resent you for all you have done. THEN he will try to really forgive you.

The in-between of recovery and reconciliation is the hardest place i have ever been. I want to love him. I want to remain in the life i once LOVED so much. But the pain of betrayal....It really wipes away all that is good. EVERYTHING.

you have to decide if you have it in you to take all that. Good luck.
0 Replies
 
Blackheart
 
  1  
Reply Thu 10 Dec, 2015 04:34 pm
@yME81,
Two months is not nearly enough time for your husband to even process what has actually happened. You have been married for 15 years and you have now become a person he no longer knows. The damage it does to a betrayed spouse is enormous. He has to look at life in a whole new way now because the cheating has shattered that completely. It's not going to just go away. It is a process that has to be worked through. It is generally documented that it can take 2 years + to move on from a betrayal. You need to be showing him - in your behaviour - changes that you are making in yourself so that he can see you won't do it again - that you are willing to talk about it - no matter how exhausting - and no matter for how long. He will need to understand why you betrayed him - you will need to know completely - why you betrayed him. It is a hugely difficult process to go through - it is something I am currently going through after cheating on my partner - so I understand where you are coming from. Be patient, give him time, talk when he needs you to talk and do whatever it takes to heal him and your marriage. I will you all the best....
0 Replies
 
ssharpe11
 
  2  
Reply Sun 20 Dec, 2015 11:48 am
@yME81,
If you are having great times I belive it already has got better. It will take time. It has been around 3 months since my wife told me of her affair. It has been very hard on both of us still. We have amazing days and then something will pop in one if our heads and the hurt comes bad. Not as intents as it was at the start but still very really and very there. There has been many night were one of us has laid in bed crying while the other hold them and shows they are there. It will take time but I belive with love and support it gets better. Two things to say one. When you said about him never being there and not listening. I hear that all the time and I understand that is the truth but be careful to put all the blame of the relationship being rocky on him. My wife and I both understand we both played a part in our relationship being rocky. I could have done more just as she could have and to be honest prob if one of us had we would not be where we are now. The other is I know for myself. I am hurt for a few reasons one how selfish it was what she did, to my self esteem and belive about who I was was rocked to the core. I need rebuilding alot and it means alot to me when my wife writes me a letter or send my a text or tells me why she loves me my character and the physical side of me. Also I have come to understand some of the pain is cause I feel I am loving in two different reality sometime. There is this woman in front of me that is working so hard to be better then she was for me (I am working on that as well) this woman I love and would do anything for. She is beautiful and funny and can melt my legs with a smile. This stuff all make me very happy but sometimes when I am seeing this the woman she was duringn the affair pops back in my head. Thus selfish lier and during this time she would tell me she loved me or act as if everything is normal. When these to images of her meet in my head it's very hard as the is prof that both are real and it's very confusing. I know over time the the negative images will stop as she keeps proving she really is the women I described first. This might sound confusing but it's the best I can explain it. The movie inside out (yes a kids movie) deals with this type of feeling very well. Worth a watch I think might give you some insight.

Anyways I wish you both the best in your recovery and yes you both are recovering as from the sound of it you are a wonderful woman that made a mistake and I am sure it's eating you uo inside as well. Keep being there for each other and you will make it, maybe with a better relationship then ever before
0 Replies
 
15YearsLater
 
  3  
Reply Tue 22 Dec, 2015 08:48 am
@yME81,
Two months is too soon to expect it to get better. My wife cheated on me 15 years ago, and it took us over a year to get to where our marriage was actually better than before the affair. Not that I'm recommending affairs, ours could have been better if she just talked to me.

Your husband is hurt more than you can ever imagine. He feels emasculated, he feels betrayed by the one person he thought he could trust.

If you truly want to heal your marriage, get some counseling, or buy some really good books, because your marriage will not get better until you "get it".

You might think you understand the amount of pain he's in, but really you don't. You've never experienced. It's the worst.

The single best thing you can do is be honest with him. Read about "trickle truth" and how hard it is on the betrayed. Answer all his questions, no matter how many times he asks. Don't sugar coat things. Don't let him end up like me, still finding out things 15 years later.

Once he knows everything, he will get angry, hurt, you name it, but he will start to heal if he feels empathy from you, not inpatience.

If he is constantly hit with new information, he will never heal.
ssharpe11
 
  1  
Reply Tue 22 Dec, 2015 02:16 pm
@15YearsLater,
Well said. I kinda got the trickle truth thing. Only over 3 months and I just wish I had heard everything at one as it was I setback ever thing something new came. Plus made me qeustetion everything again. So she hide this yes to protect me but what else was she not 100 percent honest about
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Mon 5 Sep, 2016 06:49 pm
If your husband neglected you and went out every time he had opportunity, then he must accept COl-RESPONSIBILTY for this. That's probably why he gets angry after counseling, he does not want to accept that his actions had anything to do with your wandering. (which was wrong, but understandable)

Keep going to counseling. BOTH of you need to realize your role in this very troubling time.
Misskween
 
  1  
Reply Wed 7 Sep, 2016 09:57 pm
@yME81,
Can I ask you - why did you cheat?
0 Replies
 
tony5732
 
  1  
Reply Thu 8 Sep, 2016 08:37 pm
@yME81,
Probably not, no. Your marriage will never be what he wanted, because he probably didn't want to marry someone that would slut around on him. He'll stay with you to not pay an alimony though.
0 Replies
 
Bandersnatch
 
  1  
Reply Fri 9 Sep, 2016 02:28 am
@yME81,
Honestly, your posts don't show a lot of contrition. It feels to me like you just want to find out if he can get over it or not so you can make decisions. Maybe that's just how it comes off over this forum, but if he is getting the same feeling I can see why it would be hard for him.

You have to take COMPLETE blame for this and REALLY mean it. You have to convince him you really do still want him and you are TRULY sorry. You must have ZERO contact with your former lover and you have to be willing to give him a LOT of time to recover. If you can't do these things he will never get over it. He might never get over it anyway. Having been where he is I can attest to that. Good luck......
0 Replies
 
Bandersnatch
 
  1  
Reply Fri 9 Sep, 2016 02:59 am
@PUNKEY,
That sounds like a lot of hogwash. You notice in general husbands don't get to trot out that excuse when they get caught. Maybe if he was caught cheating himself or was extremely abusive I could see it, but even in those cases it's better just to leave. There is almost never an excuse for cheating on your spouse. Your spouse is never going to be 100% perfect. You either need to accept that, find some way to make a change in your marriage or get a divorce as a last resort. Cheating should never be an option.

On top of that this is possibly the worst advice you can give someone if they are trying to save a marriage after cheating. It is certainly NOT the time to start bringing up his deficiencies whether real or imagined. Once you are in a better place you can work on that but even then you need to be somewhat subtle about it.
0 Replies
 
Eliusa
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Sep, 2016 12:06 pm
@yME81,
See if you can find out why he had stopped spending time with you.
Could that be he had cheated as well but you the one who got caught?
0 Replies
 
Eliusa
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Sep, 2016 12:10 pm
@PUNKEY,
First time LOVE your answer!
0 Replies
 
ctdans
 
  0  
Reply Thu 15 Oct, 2020 02:14 pm
@yME81,
so how did this turn out 5 years later?

After reading these replies I agree 2 months is no where long enough to get any progress at all. You CRUSHED this guy when you cheated. I bet like someone said the only reason he is still here is to avoid the cost of the divorce. If it were me I would be working with a financial advisor buying time to figure out the cheapest way to leave you or have you leave me.

Your marriage is DEAD. If you two want to get together again you need to think brand new. What you had was not good or you would not have cheated. You need to see if there is still that spark there where you start dating again, talk, romance. If he can get the image out of his mind of you having sex with another man then you can then start to get intimate. Our minds can be horrible things and we imagine the sex with our partner and their lover to be maybe more than it is. Does he want to kiss your lips knowing where he thinks they were? Does he want to have sex with you even with a condom? I know I am getting to detail but you get the point. You are damaged goods.

So think if you do want to be with him after all and see if he wants to be with you and start fresh.
0 Replies
 
 

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