Should I remove the safety net?

You need to see a counselor (preferably, one who is skilled in mediation), or perhaps a lawyer at this point.

Unofficial separations like you have are pretty bad for everyone. You think you're doing well because the lawyers haven't been called, but the truth is, no one knows what the boundaries are anymore. Can either party date? Where do the kids sleep? Who buys them shoes? Who controls their accounts?

You do not need to go all the way to divorce but everyone needs some definitions in this, the new reality. Time to bring in a third party.

I seriously doubt that there is any left to loose.

Your wife has entered into a new relationship.

Please do as Jespah has suggested as soon as possible.

I'm curious why you wouldn't take the children on trips, continue to pay for the children's expenses (or at least a portion of them).

Ending the marital relationship is separate from the child/parent relationship.

Unusually for you Beth you have missed the point: this guy has taken playing "happy family" to the ridiculous. Even now that he is being completely humiliated by is wife he still feels the need to come here and ask us if he should stop.

Jespah. I dont need to see a councilor I took a block of 6 sessions and it waste a waste of time, "how do you feel". So I told her and I didn't learn anything cause I already new exactly how I felt.

Also advising my wife to go to counselling would be like pushing her away, forcing someone to do something they dont want to do isn't going to help anything.

EhBeth. I take my kids on trips and give them so much time & attention. I do pay for everything! The mortgage, all the bills, the credit card & save for xmas etc, all whilst still giving my wife money so that she can also do nice things with the kids. I DONT WANT TO PUNISH MY KIDS. My parents split and my father fucked us all over I dont want to repeat history.

So I am her safety net at the moment, her "Ridiculous, humiliated" (THANKS Hawkeye10 for your tough words its what I need) safety net.

Basically before I go pull the net away I just want some opinions on it before I go doing something rash that will hurt her but its her actions that have lead to this.

So when I say if you are going to pursue this guy, there is no way I am supporting you or being your safety net anymore. Stop handing her money, I will stop paying her phone bill and her gym membership and she can then provide for herself.

Of course I will be providing for my children, my wife can leave if she likes, in my job I am lucky that its very flexible and I can drop the kids at school, pick them up, i can feed them, cloth them, care for them and my home I don't need my wife, but I do want her.

Interesting that you sound like you think that you get to decide these things, not a judge. What country do you live in? Dont you think that after you grow a set of balls and shut down the gravy train that her first stop will be to file divorce asking for custody?

I suppose the problem is that I don't want to hurt my kids and part of me wants my kids to stay in their home, I moved when I was 6 and it was horrible, from a nice private estate to a council house.

Ideally my wife gets a decent job and takes on the house by herself and the kids live happily ever after.

I dont and wont leave my house in the meantime, but I think things need to get shittier and less rosy for my wife.

Well thats why im here? Do i get to decide these things or not?

If she files for divorce how does it change anything? I mean really? I have friends that arent married in happy relationships and I have friends that arent married that are going through the same thing I am going through?

The divorce means a piece of paper exists, but it doesnt change any emotions. I happily get divorced right this second, if it meant I could be happy with the woman that divorced me in the future.

Missed the custody bit there at the end. Its irrelevant what I do, she will get custody, if we separate she will have the kids, if we divorce she will have the kids.

So I can either speed things up and shut off the gravy train, or grind things out and leave it on.

You also seemed to miss me pointing out that in divorce you might lose the ability to decide where your money goes. That would certainly be the case in America. Your ability to use your income as a club on your wife is limited, and is not likely to be well received by a judge either. Since your cutting off the funds will most likely drive her to divorce court why dont you do that yourself, and keep yourself looking good by not using money to punish in the meantime in the hopes of a deal in your favor? I really dont understand your logic, this seems to be all emotion, all driven by your desire to hurt her. And I think that you overestimate your ability to hurt her financially.

I will say this, considering that you have let her walk all over you for years, and considering how little she cares for you, and how she uses your love of the kids against you, you are going to be damn lucky if your dont get accused of abuse by her. You need to start factoring in what she is capable of when she gets pissed off by not getting what she wants. Using money as a club on her is likely to be read as a form of abuse. Watch out buster.

Interesting points!

It is all emotional, I don't want to club her, I don't want her to see this guy I want a happy marriage. It hurts reading you say "how little she cares for you" but thats the truth isnt it!

The truth is that I have been making it easier for her foolishly believing that I can get her back, but Its really over! I just need to admit that to myself and swallow it.

That last line is scary, I wonder what she is capable off and you have me thinking that maybe I should file first.

Seeing as I dont want a divorce though how about this?

I leave, I go and stay with my Mum who doesn't know we are having trouble, my wife's parent dont know we are having trouble (even though its been a year, which is crazy) NOBODY KNOWS shes having an affair.

She looses my protection and her secret is forced into the open? I still pay the bills I still pay the mortgage, I make sure she has enough money and I leave her to her own devices, but she knows that her secrets going to come out.

This is where I say spend some money and go talk to a lawyer. Dont do anything till you have considered what they have to say.

The kids do, just for starters. And now that they know that you know have fun trying to be a dad to them. Once you lose their respect it is damn hard to be a parent. This would argue for doing what a couple of females here have already said, which is that you need to deal with this sooner rather than later.

If it were me I would make a big push with her to fix the marriage....with no threats, but if she refuses then I would end it. The kids would seal the deal, when I look them in the eye as adults I want to be able to say honestly that I tried to do the right thing. I want them to be able to respect me. And I would want to be able to respect myself.

That is probably the comment here that rings truest in my head. "when I look them in the eye as adults I want to be able to say honestly that I tried to do the right thing. I want them to be able to respect me"

I wouldnt be surprised if my daughter the youngest knows, she has asked questions, but my son who is seven I doubt he has any idea she is having an affair.

I never want to loose their respect

I think in this, there are two things you need to consider:

- what's best for you; and
- what's best for your kids

I don't think you need to consider what's best for your wife, as she has already left you (maybe not officially, but effectively). That's not to say you need to be nasty or disrespectful to her...just that she has made her choice, you are no longer a couple, and so you no longer have to do what's best for her as well as you.

What's best for you starts with you accepting your situation:

I think you need to understand just how over it is. A woman does not date another man in front of you, and she definitely does not introduce the new man to the kids if there is any chance whatsoever that the two of you will get back together. She's told you it's over...but you still want to be married, you still live in the same house while she dates, and you give her money that she's no doubt using to date other men...

...it;s rather screwed up.

However, you seem terrified of getting a divorce. It doesn't seem like you've resolved the effect your parents divorce had on you (not a criticism - we all have ghosts)...and it doesn't seem like you realise how much it's affecting your judgement regarding divorce, and how you wish to be treated / what you are prepared to put up with.

If it helps, there are plenty of children for whom divorce is not terrible...so long as the adults behave as adults. In divorcing, parents can sometimes teach their children that people change, that you can grow apart despite your best intentions, that you can have respectful fights and eventually realise you just disagree too much...

...but in staying in the same house, are you teaching your children how to be walked over? Are you helping confusd them over how relationships should work (knowing that most children learn most about relationships / conflict management / life / self worth etc from their parents)? Ie. is it truly better for your children to stay in such an environment?

Hope it helps some

Best wishes

The reason we are still staying in the same house / co-parenting is that my wife is not in a position to take on the house by herself.

I dont want my kids to not live there, once my youngest starts school, in August my wife wants to be working longer hours. I tell her that she has to stop thinking that looking after the kids is only her responsibility and that it is our responsibility and there is always excuse after excuse to work other than a couple of nights a week.

She has applied for jobs, which would be starting in August and the plan is that she can start earning and she will be entitled to "working tax credits" here in the UK when she works over a certain number of hours. At that point she is going to be capable of looking after the children in our house without me.

I like that prospect, far more than alternatives which involve my children leaving their home. I did that and I don't want them to go through it.

I will set up an appointment for some legal advice today.
**** knows, there just isnt a right answer or magic wand, just have to push through it.

Clearly you have been reading the wrong things. A union is made up of two people who are true to themselves and who push/pull against each other as they go. Not pressuring her when she violates the marriage and disrespects you could only be the right thing if you are a submissive. Are you? Agreeing to live separate lives could only be the right thing if you dont want to be married to her , which you have already said is not true.

And this problem has been going on for years you say. Is it getting better under your approach? If what you are doing is not working then do something else, anything else.