Should I remove the safety net?

@vikorr

Thankyou for your input vikorr, your right its screwed up. I am terrified of properly letting go? But my wife hasn't let go either has she? She gets some needs met from me and some needs met from this other guy.


That point about teaching my children that its alright to be walked over is true, but being walked over is worth it to see them everyday, make their breakfast in the morning and read them a story at night in bed.

My parents divorced when I was 6 as I have no idea or inclination into anything about their relationship from my childhood other than the massive fight that happened one night and dad left. So if my kids were teenagers then it would be a different story, but they are 7 & 5.

And also what do you say to your kids as you leave, see you later im moving in with granie!

Why are you moving in with grannie? Says the kids!

I haven't pressurised her, but I probably have been submissive!

I have never forced her into anything and I have let her get her way far too often, so yes if I were to do anything else it would be to apply some pressure. I havent done it before, thats why I am on here asking is time to be stay NO, sorry this isnt happening im not living like this anymore. We work it out OR I then point out the consequences.

Jesus you are fucked in the head....the chances that she follows the plan are approximately zero. And why would she, it requires way more work than her current situation.

I dont have anything more to offer as I am an American. Go talk to a pro, and get some different books.

I really am!!!

You want to know how much more fucked up it is? Just to convince myself that I should just get the **** out (WHich i am struggling to do).

I met her in a club one night, went back to mine, found out the next day she was married, our marriage started in an affair and now its going to end in one!

That will be 2 marriages for her to end that way! I wonder how her third will end?

You tell them the truth. Kids are surprisingly resilient about such things. The most important thing to them is knowing that their parents love them and that it is in no way their fault (that explanation should be clear when you explain why you separate).

My youngest brother was 9 when my parents divorced, and he's well adjusted. My neighbours daughters kids were 5 & 8 when she divorced, and they are well adjusted (it's now 5 years later for hers)

Ah...she has let go of you. What she hasn't let go of is the financial benefit to her.

There are many sides to any story, and the sheer fact is, we humans can make anything sound good in our own minds...Al Capone believed he was an upstanding citizen...

My point is, nothing you wrote truly addressed what you are teaching your children each time they see your wife walk over you. Nothing you wrote address what they are learning about how relationships are conducted, or what is normal in relationships....what you wrote, is about something that is painful, but explainable to children. It needn't scar them as it did you...you obviously care deeply for them, and that cannot help but shine through (unless there's a messy divorce with her lying to them...but that is something only you can foresee). This scenario is rather contrary to how your father appears to have left.

Best Wishes

Why don't you tell this guy? I'm sure he can help.

The kids dont see her walk over me, nobody does except me.

I'm not blameless in all of this, I failed to make her feel loved because I was so hacked off with the way she was treating me and it just slowly spiraled into a bad marriage, one which I would like to turn around but it is not going to happen.

Its over, based on my latest conversation with her today :/ We are just pouring concrete over how over it is.

why? is that what a lawyer has told you?

why are you the one to leave the house? why don't you stay in the house with the children and have your wife leave?

talk to a lawyer as soon as possible

talk to your lawyer about you staying in the house with the children while your wife leaves

Your wife is taking advantage of you. You are allowing it. You are correct in that you can not control her and her actions and what she wants. Personally I wouldn’t threaten her with withholding money as mentioned here she will likely file for divorce and try to rake you over the coals. I hate to say it, as I am the type that likes to try to keep a family together, but she apparently does not want this.

As suggested get a lawyer now so you can be prepared. She sounds to me like someone who is going to try to get as much cash as possible from you. You want to protect yourself.

You said – “Ideally my wife gets a decent job and takes on the house by herself and the kids live happily ever after.” She isn’t going to do this unless it is forced and not by you, by the courts. If they feel she is capable of working and supporting herself, they will provide as much allomony (or maybe none at all) and she will have to work. State by state these things can be different. But if she is employable, she should be put in a position where she will need to work.

“I dont and wont leave my house in the meantime, but I think things need to get shittier and less rosy for my wife.” Yeah it should get worse for her – but unfortunately I think you will need to file for divorce for it to happen. I agree not to leave your house. My brother left his house and the his ex-wife got it. And she got a lot – he got hardly anything – she has a nice car, goes on vacations regularly and he is living with my mom. Because he was a sap and let her have her way.

“Missed the custody bit there at the end. Its irrelevant what I do, she will get custody, if we separate she will have the kids, if we divorce she will have the kids” Why? Are you an unfit father? You should have at the very least shared custody – you are as much a parent as she is. You deserve to have your children as much as her. Talk with a lawyer and when you do, let the lawyer handle it and don’t give her anything – men tend to get raked over the coals because they tend not to fight and let the ex-wife have everything.

Do not leave - if you do you may lose anything to do with the house. You are all emotion. You need to talk with a lawyer someone not emotionally involved. Because once you get your head back on straight and get this woman out of your life, you will want to go on. You will get the opportunity to meet a woman that will care about you. You don't want to lose all your financial means and what you should deserve to have financially as well as with your children.

Saw afterwards that you are in the UK - I can't imagine that the laws are so different or backwards that they take a dad out of the picture and give custody over to the mom just because she is a woman. Please see a lawyer - even if you plan to try to the reconciling first. You should be prepared and know what your rights are.

I just honestly saw this with my brother and it sucks. He is an adult living with his mom while his ex--- goes prancing around with nicer things including the house, car and vacations. While he is living in his old room, with a car that didn't pass inspection and (not that this is bad) --- but gets the kids whenever she is going away on vacation and pretty much the weekends.

It is not just that men are often stupid about such things, it is also that women who are in the habit of running over men are always sure that they can continue to do so, and will go to great lengths to do so. If the man suddenly bucks up they get very pissed, in their warped minds they are being fucked over, and they often go into win at all costs and **** the kids mode.

THis guy is in a dangerous place. Well planned moves shaped by expert legal and relationship advise are critical to a successful outcome.

I'm glad you have gained a clearer understanding of what situation you are in.

Something you wrote did concern me - and it affects future relationships.

Ah...just about every man or woman is going to....fail to make him/her feel loved because I was so hacked off with the way she/he was treating me

As described, that isn't a failure - it's human nature. We want to be treated right, especially by those very important to us. If they continue treating us poorly, every person 'fights' for their right to be treated properly - noting that some people do it well while others do it poorly. As an observation on your part - how many people have you ever seen that feel loved by the person fighting with them...or even if that person is just standing up for themselves to them?

Previously, people mentioned counselling, and you said you had tried it and it didn't work. Counselling is an art form:
- many counsellors are not very good at it
- some counsellors are more suited to particular problems
- some counsellors relate better to particular persons
- some counsellors have the knowledge but lack the communications skills
- ...etc

That is - there are many reasons a particular counsellor, or even numerous counsellors, just will not work with you (or any other given person).

I think you are aware that you have a lot of damage from your childhood, and I think you are aware that it leaves you vulnerable to someone like your wife (or future wife) taking advantage of you.

While a forum like this is good for ideas - really complex problems need an in person approach (or true dedication on your part to recognise & solve the 'issues'). I hope you consider trying counsellors again - knowing there is the distinct possibility that first one, or even the first few, may not be a match for you (but you might get lucky with the first, you never know). Long term I think you would find it to have been a good thing for your life.

Edit: P.S. Both Linkat & Hawkeye's advice in the previous 3 posts have a lot worth considering in them.

Vikor you are correct about childhood, I didn't have a good relationship with my mum and I was used to being ignored. So in actual fact the counselling did help me understand one thing, when my wife ignored me due to be pissed about about something I was so use to begin ignored from in childhood, as a teenager & young adult that when my wife ignored me I just didn't give a hoot.

That's probably the single thing I learned from 6 hours of counselling,. my dad left and I saw him until I was 12 and he had a new wife and new family and my sister and I were left, but I have no baggage with my dad, there is'nt any emotional issues there, it's just the way it is. My Mum however spent years and years raising me probably saw my father in me and didn't like it. So for 14 years or so I was used to being ignored so when my wife used that tactic It had no effect.

I know that was my mistake and I wouldnt make it in future relationships.

ANYWAY aside from all the counselling talk I am aware of mistakes I have made, I was a shitty husband at times and I fully share the blame for the breakdown in our marriage. HOWEVER, its now OVER and now its time to stop allowing my wife to take advantage.

I think that Hawkeye gives some sound advice there and I really need to tread carefully.

I read the 10 mistakes men make applying for divorce last night so I certainly do not intend to leave the house, too many disadvantages to that.

https://www.gov.uk/divorce

For other peoples benefit that read this post.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/05/15/should-you-delay-divorce-3-ways-couples-put-it-off/

http://heleneltaylor.com/3-mistakes-people-make-in-divorce/

Get it over with, make the decision and bring it to a close. Maybe it feels wrong, it's right and wrong for me and it sucks but just do it.

You might be interested to know that I was reading a few weeks ago of a study that shows that the best predictor of successful people is how they make decisions. Successful people make decisions fast (after doing analysis) and are reluctant to change them, failures make decisions slowly and then often change their minds.

I read that before in awaken the giant within by Antony Robins

ya, but now that wisdom is backed by a large scale scientific study....

Not now because they are all swarming in your head in circles. The one clear thing that you have is " cut off her money". But, that is not going to stop her from having the affair, she's already gotten away with that, with your knowledge if anything it will make her continue with a vengeance as she does not seem to have any respect. When caught regardless of the relationship stance a normal person would in my opinion if they had emotions, feel some form of guilt and at least try their best to hide it. It seems this is your main clear issue that she is living under your roof that you both built, seeing another man and still taking your money.

Learning is what you need to do now so you know exactly which road and how to take that road and when, so that you know how your children will be affected and who will be there to assist, so that you know how to counteract anything you need to because you have all the information you need in front of you, including counselling for your children if need be and who would be the best for that job.

Just as important, someone there for you because whilst we think we are tough we are all human.

Have you made an appointment to see a lawyer yet? If not, please arrange that asap.