Should I remove the safety net?

I'm glad you learned a bit.

The only thing I would add is that desire usually doesn't long survive feeling unimportant (there are other things that trigger desire of course, but it's ongoing survival needs, as a foundation, a feeling of importance to the partner)

We show what is important in our lives (whether it be a person, a job, a hobby or other) by:
- the amount of time we apportion to 'it'
- the amount of effort we put into 'it'
- the amount of thought we put into 'it'

As just one example: If you don't put time into your wife, because you are too tired from work, and from kids, and from AAA...then AAA is more important to you than your wife (ie. this is the literal message of where your priorities are at).

Deep down, we all understand that people make time for what's important to them, so our actions illustrate our priorities in a factual way.

Sure, investing the time and energy matters, when she wanted to fight he need to show up to the fight, even though he was likely to get hurt. Indifference will always kill a relationship.

BUT

The theme song to Avatar illustrates what never happened because the investment was never made:





A man has to see his woman, and vis versa. THis takes a lot of time and a lot of work, having some understanding of women is required, but that is just the starting place to understanding YOUR WOMAN.....seeing your woman.

Well interesting weekend!

Sorry for being a yoyo and flitting from stance to stance etc but saturday was a pivotal day for me.

It was my nephew's (Wife's side of the family) birthday on Saturday and I also wanted to take my kids to the circus that was in town, knowing that both my wife and I want to take the kids. So I say to my wife, I would really like to take the kids to the circus on saturday, if you would like to come along then I will get four tickets. She agrees and a family day is set.

The day was terrible, she puts so much effort into looking sad and as little effort in as possible to any questions. 1 Word answers etc, her face almost look painful. Everything else was great, I had a lovely time with her family, with my niece and nephew and my kids but my god my wife, what a sour face!

I prayed for sunday, for the first time ever I prayed and longed for a day alone with my kids because I never want to spend a day like that again. It was the first time that I felt truly happy being out on my own with them the hole wasn't there.

MY wife and I talked last night until the early hours of the morning but I feel like I am done now I told her how I feel, about this whole safety net thing.

I asked her why is it after all this time you haven't told your family? I told her I find it strange that you pursue this new relationship and you don't tell your family about it; you extend one hand out to this new man you but you have your other hand holding on to me. Why is it that you don't tell the world we are separated and why don't you tell the world that you are now with him?

My family & my close friends know and they are here for both of us yet for some reason I continue to protect you and don't tell anyone the other guy.

In her eyes she is doing nothing wrong, in her eyes we are over which if fine ok, then go prove it then. Go tell the world, take down the facade, tell your family tell your other friends, update your facebook status, tell people it's over and sign the separation agreement. I explained it that your right from your perspective, but two different people, hell ten different people can all think 10 different things and all be right. This isn't an equation its emotion and thoughts and everyone has different views and is affected in different ways.

The first people that responded did so with such wisdom, "get a laywer it's over". The only hard thing for me though is hurting my kids and the real truth is that I really wanted to stay together for them and that has been what has been driving me, but saturday was enough to realise that I will not ever enjoy a day out with my wife again.

It would be easier if I didnt feel and could just use my head.


I also came across this article I don't think that I an empath, and I am certainly not a narcissist, but one of them IN THAT ARTICLE reads exactly as my wife.

http://www.idealistrevolution.org/toxic-attraction-between-an-empath-a-narcissist/


Sorry for being such an all over the shop idiot, but hopefully someone will come along and read this who is in the same situation as I am and can get to the outcome of it all faster than I am.

You might want to get back to my comment about needing to know what she is capable of when she gets pissed that you are ending the marriage.....now that you seem to be off this idea that she is sugar and spice, that this breakdown is all your fault

To paraphrase gandhi, now that this other man has picked her, how can I water her roots?

You can't!

Marriage assuming monogamy isn't realistic. Especially if you like sex. Monogamy comes from Christianity which is pretty anti-sex to begin with. Assuming you'll be able to give your spouse everything they could ever want it absurd. In this case, sounds more like the marriage is effectively over. Suppose you're going to be paying child support either way though so I'd look into the numbers and figure out if it's cheaper the way it is now, or if you get divorced and have to formally pay some amount.

For anyone that follows or finds this here is how things are progressing.

I haven't talked to a Lawyer, I have talked to my family my friends. My Immediate family know about the other guy and my wife doesn't like it.

She doesnt like it because it makes her look worse, she thinks everyone will think that she is the bad one even though we were "Separated" for 6 months prior to her relationship with the other guy starting even though she hasn't made our separation public knowledge, she hasn't told her parents oh and I had no right to tell my sister and mum about her new man.

I made the point that anything that affects my family is my business and always will be. My mum didn't make things any easier as she came by our house, dished out hugs and kisses to me and the kids and gave my wife a half hearted "by". My wife thought how dare she treat me like that in my own home.

I explained to her ok, I get your anger but remember that My Mum has only found out about us in the last month and now she knows there is another guy, so for her it's harder to take and comprehend and everyone is going to get both bits of news at the same time. That's a consequence of your actions here, you're free to go make yourself happy, but you're not free from the consequences of doing so and the hurt you will cause other people.

We talked extensively into the early hours last night and she is looking to leave the house; with the kids of course :/ She will be looking to rent and claim benefits to fund that which she is entitled to here in the UK.

I hope to buy her out and keep the house, give my kids some form of continuity in all the mess. To claim her benefits she has to proof we are separated, which forces a date in the past (the benefits can be backdated in the UK) from which we mark as the date of separation. It also forces her to move her direct debits onto her own account and remove her name from our joint account.


I have fully resigned on reconciling now, and I have to drive the separation forward, I haven't contacted a lawyer yet as I hope to talk everything through with her on Saturday night and construct a separation agreement so that we both agree on what will happen in the future.

If she told her parents and made our break up public like I have with my friends and family and she signs a separation agreement then I am in no proper rush to get her out of the house. I think having everything out in the open will make it easier on everyone whilst we are in the same house.

I have lots of people telling me to go see a lawyer, but because they are living this and dont have the whole picture. (you cant get the whole picture, you cant explain this fully)

My wife has been hurt, she has hurt me and realistically looking back at our marriage even in the day's before we married would I ever enter in to another marriage with someone where certain issues were there in the beginning.... probably not and I trust that she isn't going to take any more than her fair share.

So to answer my own question should I remove the safety net, in my circumstances no I shouldn't I should help her move out and support her as much as I can until she is gone at which point I will give exactly what I am legally required to do and then I can concentrate on me.

Seriously, you are going to do this without a lawyer?

I only came across this thread just now, and I've only read the first and last pages, but you really don't have a lawyer yet?!?

You are going to be SO screwed over by the time all of this is done.

He is going to give her everything because he feels guilty. A feeling that was in all likelihood placed there by his cheating wife. SHe knew his weakness and exploited.

I'm not going to give her everything.

Extending the time I live with my children is my main goal.

50:50 split and clean break is what we will settle for. Together we are writing up and signing a separation agreement on Saturday which details the date of the separation, and I will buy her out of the house at 50% of its valuation (which was determined on Friday the 21st) . We haven't talked pension yet, but realistically she is entitled for that split 50/50 also based on the date we separated. That date has to be in the past for her otherwise she cant back date her benefit claim.

She is following her friends lead who did it this way, and the only thing they both cared about was that they both had free access to the kids and they split the sale of the house.

We have no debt to split and I couldn't care less about the contents of the house.

So if I sign up an agreement that gives me access to my kids, half the house and all my pension then I feel like a winner.


If I get a lawyer now, how does that change the outcome? What does running up a bill in lawyer fees now protect me from in the future?

If Saturday falls apart and we fail to agree, then yes I will go see a lawyer. But you can DIY divorce in Scotland easily enough if its amicable. I have my cards held close to my chest and I bet she does to but Id rather see how amicable we can be first.

OR I could go get a lawyer now, pay lots of fees which would lead to her getting a lawyer. The last thing I want is her to have a lawyer, her having a lawyer would be vicious! She hasn't told her parents she is separated, she doesn't have a support circle telling her what she can get, she doesn't have friends telling her get everything you can and for now I want to keep lawyers out of her head before they tell her what she could get, not what's FAIR, WHAT SHE COULD GET. Once she has some legal person on her side I would be far more fucked that taking her on amicably myself.

Slightly likely. Still I dont see why you did not pay a lawyer for a hour or two to give advise without taking the case. No one would need to know, and you would be smarter.

Just a couple pages ago you are clueless about women, clueless about this woman, and now you know her well enough to do this all on your own, without even talking to a pro? What are the odds on that being right? 1 in 10,000 maybe? And no you did not satisfy the min requirement to yourself by talking with us "experts" here at A2K.

Yeah I am normally on here in an emotional state, worried, stressed, confused so reading back the whole post I sound crazy.

I look at the court process see the happy path through the process, file, agree, complete and believe it is possible to get through that with my wife.

Then I look at the unhappy path, file, disagree, x,y,z,1,2,3,4,5,etc,etc..complete and it looks like hell.


I guess the hour or so of advice is worth it though and in the process of that I would see if there is a conflict of interest where she has by some coincidence talked to the same one (which i doubt she would of talked to any)

FYI

Seeing a solicitor on Monday! They are specialists in family law and have won, Scotland lawyer of the year, 2014, 2013, 2012 and ranked highly in the UK s leading law firms.

Lets see what they say!

'Bout time.

What you were doing was like deciding to build a house on your own your using only what ever ideas are in your head. Ya it could work, but probably not well. You go to a pro who has done this many times very well, and have him draw up some blueprints.

Yeah you are right

Really hawkeye, I must thank you for your continued input you have been really helpful to me and I am sure many others who may read this post.

Looking forward to taking legally guided steps from Monday!

Good. You really need a lawyer here. You will avoid all sorts of hidden pitfalls that could have tripped you up despite your good intentions.

Make clear to your lawyers that you prefer this to be an amicable separation as much as possible.

You are welcome.

Who knows, maybe you get told that everything you have done has been good, and that your plan is the best plan. Responsible risk management demands a consult someone smarter than you on this, your money will be well spent.

Hello again everyone!

Here is my update full of screwed up-ness for you all to read!

I went to see a solicitor we have a plan, he really explained worst and best cases and the worst isnt really that bad! Talked to my wife about it and talked about moving forward and the future. This talk with my wife brought up lots of history and who said and did what etc which to be honest I am completely over and bored with. Clearly its a mechanism to transfer her guilt on to me.

I have accepted my part in how our marriage broke down, I felt guilty, I felt awful, but over this year I made huge changes to me and put effort in to ensuring I wont let anyone down again like I did before. THUS I no longer feel guilty, the past is in the past.

But none of this progresses my situation at all! My wife is in no position to move on, clearly she can see that life wont be so rosy if she leaves with the kids, but at the same time I don't want my kids to leave either.

I especially don't want my wife to leave with the kids and they end up in a poor estate, different school, different friends etc. etc..

Emotionally I feel strong and able to live like I am, I get better time with my kids, more time with my family (mum/dad/sister), more time with my friends
Financially obviously its better to stay in one house
Socially - well everyone else seems to think its crazy but it for us it works. (Maybe if you asked my wife it doesn't - but her lack of action or attempt to move speak louder than any of her words)
Love - Well there's none of that and to be honest I have no interest as I can see the torment it is causing my wife, and when I read about wife's that cheat, they all sound so miserable, torn between family and their new interest!

Is my wife going to screw me over? Basically she has anyway, there is no move from here I can make that doesn't reduce my family's quality of life which is what is of most concern to me.

I have family pushing their experience of divorce onto me as if my situation should be like it was for them. And for me the goal in all of this is to protect my family, including the wife as hurting her hurts my kids.

I can push the divorce through, even though the things we have to agree on kind of depend on us living separated, which we don't. The process all seems rather pointless apart from making lawyers money and protecting my rights to see my children and protecting my finances which in Scotland finances are well protected anyway in divorce and my wife would never come between my kids and I. She knows that would hurt them to much.