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my 2 1/2yr old wont come with me..

 
 
john74
 
Reply Sun 29 Mar, 2015 04:55 am
My 2 1/2yr old daughter wont come with me when I go to collect her.. she just wants to stay home with mammy or nanny.. but when I call into her house, there isnt a bother on her.. I only get to see her twice a week as myself and her mother are no longer together.. it really hurts knowing shed dosent want to come with me.. cause before this started happening we did everything together and had so much fun.. so thats why I cant understand.. help!
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Type: Discussion • Score: 8 • Views: 8,063 • Replies: 142

 
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Sun 29 Mar, 2015 07:02 am
@john74,
I think the main thing is that she is 2 1/2 years old and the word 'no' is a mysterious magical word to her.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sun 29 Mar, 2015 07:55 am
@jespah,
I agree with Jespah.

You could read a book or two on childhood development, on which I'm no expert but understand there has long been a part of development known as "the terrible twos" and the word No. Reading about childhood stages could help in the future too.
0 Replies
 
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Sun 29 Mar, 2015 08:45 am
@john74,
Separation is very difficult for children, your daughter is just trying to cope with what for her is a awful situation. The most important thing is not to turn this into a fight between her mother and you... there is nothing worse for your daughter than fighting over her.

Do you have a legal agreement on parenting? Is her mother cooperating with you trying to be a part of your daughters life?

I would recommend counseling for you and your daughter. This happens fairly commonly in divorce, you can get help.

saab
 
  3  
Reply Sun 29 Mar, 2015 09:16 am
@maxdancona,
She is in the NO age as has been pointed out. Also she might think that when Daddy stays he will stay forever and things are back to normal.
To drag a normal 21/2 year old to counseling is not good.
maxdancona
 
  -1  
Reply Sun 29 Mar, 2015 10:04 am
@saab,
Why is counseling not good? I don't understand your objection.

Counseling at the very least will give this kid a responsible adult to talk to who isn't one of her parents. There is a chance that the counselor can help the child communicate what is going on, and help the parents do what is best for the child.

Right now the two adults responsible for the welfare of this child have issues with each other... having input from an objective person who is looking out for the child is a very good thing.

I think that most normal children going through a divorce would benefit from talking to a counselor.
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Sun 29 Mar, 2015 10:11 am
@john74,
How old was your daughter when you separated?

It is possible it's part of a normal developmental stage, but Max is right that she may need some support from someone outside of the family.

Will your daughter go with you if nanny comes along?
0 Replies
 
saab
 
  2  
Reply Sun 29 Mar, 2015 11:04 am
@maxdancona,
How do you get a 2 1/2 year old kid to talk about their feelings? If she was 12 1/2 it would be different.
A child between 2 and 3 can as a rule express themselves with 2- 3 word sentences. Something they often fall back doing later as teenagers.
Many children do not even start speaking until around 3 or 4 years old.

Then one can do therapy with help of drawings. Such a small child can hardly draw or paint so well that you can do a therapy.

Third possibility is games, which is difficult with a child in this agegroup.
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Sun 29 Mar, 2015 11:09 am
@john74,
Kids of that age are always attached to their mothers. It sounds fairly normal to me. It won't last, you've just got to be patient, and not let it upset you.
maxdancona
 
  0  
Reply Sun 29 Mar, 2015 11:10 am
@saab,
There are counselors who work regularly with children at this age group. They are trained to interact with children at this age doing exactly what you say... playing with them, drawing with them, interacting and observing.

They can also work together with the child and one of the parents interacting together... looking at family dynamics and helping as a professional that is not emotional involved. They can help the parents understand what is going on and advise them on how to make the situation less stressful for the child.

This all can be helpful, especially for a father in this situation.


0 Replies
 
maxdancona
 
  0  
Reply Sun 29 Mar, 2015 11:32 am
@john74,
I disagree with the advice that this father should just accept this. The best thing for any child is to have a close relationship with both parents. The only way to do this is for both parents to have quality time with the child. The idea that children only need their mothers is wrong (and a little troubling).

Clearly the best thing for the child over the long time is to have a close relationship with both parents. The question is how to get there.

I asked if the mother is supportive of the father's relationship with their daughter... this is a rather important question. Even if parents aren't together, it is much better if they cooperate for the well-being of the child and each should support the other when it comes to parenting. If the mother is not supportive, then there is a bigger problem.

In any case, I disagree with the idea that this father should accept not being close to his child. He should be working in a constructive way to build and maintain this relationship.

Figuring out how to spend time together is critical for a parent-child relationship at any age.

I think that getting outside, professional help, might be a healthy way to address this problem and to get the best advice on how to make sure both of you have great relationships with your kids.

hawkeye10
 
  -3  
Reply Sun 29 Mar, 2015 11:37 am
@izzythepush,
izzythepush wrote:

Kids of that age are always attached to their mothers. It sounds fairly normal to me. It won't last, you've just got to be patient, and not let it upset you.
and dont let the kid dictate terms.
hawkeye10
 
  -3  
Reply Sun 29 Mar, 2015 11:38 am
@maxdancona,
Quote:
I asked if the mother is supportive of the father's relationship with their daughter... this is a rather important question.

for sure.....this is the place to start.
izzythepush
 
  0  
Reply Sun 29 Mar, 2015 11:54 am
@hawkeye10,
Yeah, because forcing a two year old to do something they don't want to will really improve future relationships. The thing that is needed, is quality you lack completely, understanding.
0 Replies
 
john74
 
  2  
Reply Sun 29 Mar, 2015 12:03 pm
@hawkeye10,
Myself and the mother get on now. Its just she wont give me any extra time wit my daughter as she has kids from a previous relationship which there father dosent have much dealings with his kids.. and she wants to paint me with the same brush.. I only get a around ten hours over two days with my baby and it breaks my heart not seeing her... I seen her saturday for a few hrs. And I wont see her again till friday..
hawkeye10
 
  0  
Reply Sun 29 Mar, 2015 12:26 pm
@john74,
Quote:
and she wants to paint me with the same brush.


That pretty much explains it, you have light involvement now and she probably does not expect even that too last, so why go to the work to help facilitate.

You need to have a heart to heart with her, convince her that you are not going to go away. I would also push for more time. There is a high chance that you set up her low expectations for you by settling for what you got.

I think that the chances of you getting the relationship with this kid that you want are low, but if this is what you want then you need to fight for it. If you can get mom on board great, but a legal fight might be the next step, in a couple of years. If you dont have the money for that then you chances are even less.
0 Replies
 
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Sun 29 Mar, 2015 12:36 pm
@john74,
Do you have a parenting plan? You and the mother should work out a parenting plan, in writing, that establishes a pattern for you to spend time with your daughter. A parenting plan does a lot to reduce the stress between you two. Children of that age respond well to routine (it is easier for your daughter if she goes with you at a regular set time). And it will take away the dynamic where you have to plead to spend time with your child.

Usually fathers get to have their kids every alternate weekend at least. This seems to be the norm these days. And, you probably have a legal right to insist on this.

Your exact legal rights depend on the state you live in and circumstances of the relationship (i.e. whether you were married etc.) Of course, it is much better to work things out amicably with the mother... but you can insist on having a reasonable amount of time with your child.

If you feel it would help, you can see a lawyer (it wouldn't hurt to talk to one in any account and the mother doesn't even have to know if you decide not to go forward with this).

Of course, as I keep saying, you can also get a counselor that specializes in children of divorce. This might be a much less contentious way to work it out with the mother than going straight to the legal system.

I think you should insist on having a reasonable amount of time to build and maintain a relationship with your child. Your daughter deserves to grow up having a healthy relationship with her father.






john74
 
  2  
Reply Sun 29 Mar, 2015 01:05 pm
@maxdancona,
Hi thanks for your responce.. the hours I have at the moment were given to me by the family law courts.. but my daughter dosent want to come with me.. and I dont want to take her by force kicking and screaming im affraid she might turn against me... her mother will only let me see her on the times I was given. She wont even give me an extra hour.. hopefully its only a phase my baby is goin trough.. but its heartbreaking for me cause I see her saturday and have to wait till friday again before I see her.. im counting the hours....
maxdancona
 
  0  
Reply Sun 29 Mar, 2015 01:27 pm
@john74,
I agree John, that is heartbreaking. Of course you are right, you don't want to fight with your daughter to force her to spend time with you.

I would make myself available to my daughter every scheduled time. Show up every time even if your daughter decides not to come with you. Routine is important... if she expects to see you to come for her ever time, then she will be comfortable and she can choose to spend time with you when she wants. Your daughter will at least know you are always there for her... something that she will appreciate when she is older.

It is really sad that her mother can't be decent.
john74
 
  2  
Reply Sun 29 Mar, 2015 01:41 pm
@maxdancona,
I turn up everytime to see her without fail.. I spend time with her in her mothers house.. this is only happening since january.. every other time before that she nearly jumped out of her mothers arms to come with me.. we used to do everything together and have great fun.. thats why its hard for me.. its my first child so its all new to me...
 

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