Cheating on your spouse/partner

I'll go along with that.......believe me when I tell you I think about my good luck in that department with some regularity

Bi- You seem to ascribe your cheating on your lifestyle and career. Yet you don't cheat on Squinney, and you have the same career.

From what you say, I can conclude two possibilities. You have made a conscious decision to remain faithful, or......................




(Don't kill me)









Your hormone levels have abated!

Well squinney will set you straight on the hormone level thing...I'm as randy as any 18 year old and the flesh still keeps up with the willing spirit.....

I subscribe to the property theory...when I was young if I got divorced I didn't have anything to lose...now there's the house, my jet ski and all my cool stuff to think about protecting.....so all you young guys out there...get it out of your system now because later you could lose your toys.....these are pearls of wisdom fellas I hope you're paying attention..... :wink:

Seriously, I'm well taken care of at home and I not only love squinney but after all this time I am still in love with her as well.....I don't know what I could get out that could possibly be so special that I would stray in that manner.....

Wow, thats the fastest time I've yet seen a victim of cheating be blamed for his fate himself.

Of course there's often a degree of, you know, well, if you had or hadnt x, y and z, the other person might not have cheated. But,

a) would you have turned that around to the person in question just as instantly if it had been the woman that'd been cheated on? ("I trust you have learned now that most men need emotional confirmation and sexual gratification from their wife!"?),

b) "Cheaters" usually have their own reasons to cheat - something inside them or some ambivalence about the relationship - that you will only very partially be able to do something about, even if you do try.

I was thinking about what msolga wrote, about, you know, society's role. I think there's something in that. Self-sacrifice is out, self-fulfillment is in. Nothing wrong with that, but when the new message constantly is, "your first responsibility is to your own happiness" - just look at the relationships forum here to see that message played out over and again - then it's just a question of time before the "put-yourself-first" attitude seeps through to where it wasnt intended for as well. Kinda like collateral damage.

I mention this because it seems quite fashionable now for women to have lovers. Not that I believe they have 'em significantly more often than in the past, its just that now its almost something to tout. You're young, successful, you know what you want and aren't afraid to ask for it - thats the lifestyle message after all - I guess, why wouldnt that bleed through to the relationship dimension too? Hey, Ive got a good job, a kind husband, a nice home and an exciting lover! Half of the time its mere bravado, but you know.

Of course - men have had something going for them like that forever, when you're talking excuses and rationalisations. For how long wasnt it a sign of real virility for a man to have had, you know, his meaningless flings? Thats just the stuff men do, was the pre-feminist line, when it was kinda brushed over and silently accepted. These kind of social expressions of it kinda, in a twisted way, being accepted or even "cool" ... well, I dunno if they really boost the actual number of affairs (I tend to think its just kinda the way humans work, that a lotta them end up doing it) - but at the very least it will boost the amount you'll hear about it!

Oh, full disclosure: I've never been married, but when it comes to long-term relationships I confess to both having cheated and having been cheated on.

Re: Cheating on your spouse/partner
Stats you cite sound awfully low, btw ... 15/25%?

Its true that it says, "When emotional affairs or sexual intimacies without intercourse are included, the incidence increases by 20 percent" - that would make it 35% for wives and 45% of husbands (right?), that sounds more like numbers I've heard ... (but what is an "emotional affair", as opposed to a friendship?)

Other question I've always had about those stats showing much more men than women have cheated on their long-term partner: how's that work, practically? Cause they must have cheated with someone, no?

I guess the men are more likely to have cheated with a single woman, while the women are more likely to have cheated with another married man?

No the hormones have not abated!!! Gawd, how I do wish they would! I mean, I'm a rabbit and all, but... Geesh. Can't a girl breath without making "it" come alive?

I read something interesting yesterday from Napolean Hill's "Think and Grow Rich." Basically, the sex drive is one of three motivating factors for success, and likely the most powerful. By the age of about 40 it is supposed to be redirected to success and creative achievement, and away from the act itself as a means of procreation / good feeling. That is why most men do not succeed "big time" until after the age of 40. Their sex drive is busy obtaining a family up to then. When channeled to creativity after the wife and kids are obtained, there is no stopping how successful one can become.

This of course brought to mind Clinton. His sex drive / charisma is obviously VERY HIGH. He's not that attractive (not ugly, but not Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt) yet his sex appeal got him elected by women TWICE! He channeled it correctly for a while, became President, but wasn't able to keep it properly in check.

So, long story short, my two cents is that cheating is the improper chenneling of the sex drive. One wants success, and uses sex as a means of obtaining success. Success for some might be the desire for happiness as mentioned above by a fellow A2K'r. (ie. Her deepest desire was to be happy again, not to cheat or hurt her husband) It might mean success through POWER as in sleeping with your boss, or in having POWER OVER someone. It might mean success in getting even, rebuilding ones self confidence, or any number of other things depending on the person cheating. Anyone who cheats or desires to cheat on their partner, need only look at the objective they want to achieve in doing so, and find a way to channel the same sex energy creatively to reach that goal in a more appropriate and non harmful way for everyone involved.

My grandfather had other women. My father had other women. My brother, married for over forty years, has always had other women and I just heard a few days ago that my nephew is divorced after two years of marriage. Don't know the reasons but I could guess.

I've talked to a few guys who cheat because to them, that's simply what men do. It has absolutely nothing to do with their wife or a lack of sex and intimacy in their marriage. For them, having a woman or women on the side is what being a man is all about. The men in my family subscribe to this theory but times are achangin.' My nephews' divorce tells me that the women are no longer accepting it.

I'm happily married. Love my hubby to death (not literally) :wink: But would never consider leaving him for another man. For me, an affair is about the attention, the excitement, all that good stuff and enjoying it for as long as it lasts. No big love story, no heartbreak...just a special friendship/connection to be enjoyed.

In 32 years of marriage I cheated and he cheated. I think I was first (at the 11 yr. mark) and it was for the excitement. He retaliated for the revenge.
We got over it (sortof), had kids and I played mommy for 15 years now. From the outside, my husband and I appear to be the perfect couple...but we have grown apart. I've fallen deeply in love with someone else....and this wasn't planned or even considered until it happened. This relationship is for the amazing connection we share and the emotional intimacy, but there is also so much more. Maybe it's my age now, but I can't imagine my life without my lover.
He is the man I want, but I have other obligations for a few years.
So for the time being, I just have to maintain....and manage my time well.

I wouldn't dream of cheating. It's betrayal whether your spouse knows or not.

If you don't want to be fully committed to your vows, get a divorce. Then get into another relationship.

Lots of responses to catch up on!

I am pretty conservative on this whole issue. I don't believe in affairs as a way to keep a marriage together or as a way to keep parents together for the kids' sakes. I had parents that probably should have divorced, they didn't. I am probably pretty negative about marriage because of their relationship. And, they're still pretty much constantly aggravated with each other (shrug). I have no idea if either has had an affair.

I don't know how much religion has to bear on my low tolerance this affair stuff. I am not at all religious, but I come from a catholic family and was raised in a fairly religious country, so, who knows. I am pretty damned liberal on the social side of things otherwise, it's just this one topic that gets me. I have no problem with people who have agreed upon open marriages. I don't mind when someone says, I sleep with several women, but they all know that it's not monogamous. Fine. But, when you do it on the sly, something's wrong, imo.

I guess I just don't buy into the whole marriage thing. I don't understand why people can't stay committed or get divorced. I haven't ever been married. I don't know that I really want to be married. And this whole topic is one of the reasons I'm just not that interested.

That's part of what I was getting at back there though, littlek; if the marriage is a happy one, it's not necessarily an issue. But of course you can't know. Leap of faith and all that.

Main thing is that I want to reassure you that NOT all marriages are awful, and can be really fun in fact.

Soz, your marriage sounds great, from what you've said. But, I don't see all that many great marriages. I see some. I know they exist.

I think you have so many of the ingredients for what it takes to have a good marriage, though -- self-sufficiency (you don't NEED a man, but if you happen to find a good one, cool), communication skills, humor, yadda yadda.

Ah well, I'm not out to convert the world to marriage. It just makes me sad to see someone with so few good examples. (MY parents certainly weren't good examples, but I've muddled through so far...)

Hey littlek u need 2 open yr heart and let love in.

Well, thanks Soz.

NoLo, why?

Because you seems to have a juandiced view of marraige - do you believe making love is better than just having sex?

I dunno if my view is unduely negative or if it's realistic.

I think that usually making love is better than having sex. My question to you is: is it making love everytime you have sex with a spouse? Or is it that some of the time?