Cheating on your spouse/partner

I don't think it's something that people plan. Maybe some cads, but not in general. The people who I know were just "swept up in the moment" or whatever. Remember from that happiness article about "hot" states and "cold" states, and how the same person can be more unalike in those two states than that person to a completely different person? (Man, that was an awkward sentence...)

"Hot" basically means agitato, not like "whew is it just me or is it hot in here?" <unbuttons top button>, but people who in their cold rational states would say who me never!, when faced with a given situation that gets them all hot and bothered in more than one way...

We're adults, we have a measure of control, we can decide what we do or don't do. And you can make an educated guess about whether someone will cheat or not if you know that person well, based on a lot of factors. But you just can't know for sure, it's awfully hard to quantify.

I've often debated the whole humans-are-just-animals angle. It's hard for me to really feel the whole agitato situation - at least in those numbers (the stats). Maybe I should check into the asexual thread.

Can you really be a person who is happily married and then follow through in an agitato situation? I mean, wouldn't there be some level of disinterest/disassociation in your relationship before getting to that jump point?

Oh, sure. That's why the numbers are pretty low, all things considered. 85% of wives and 75% of husbands are faithful, even though they've probably experienced their share of agitato situations.

I've certainly been in situations where I saw agitato-ness creeping ever closer and so I got out of there, stat.

Further, what percentage of marriages are happy? I bet a similar or somewhat smaller percentage.

I think the main thing with a happy marriage or not is your disinclination to hurt your partner, not whether the attraction exists.

Why do people cheat?

Disclaimer-- My answer is the REASON, not an excuse. I take full responsibility for my unfaithfulness.

I cheated because my marriage had been a disaster for about eight years. Not just difficult... I won't bore with details, but I'll just say these words--daily deception, alcoholism, no emotional intimacy, financial deception and resulting horrors and humiliations for me and my children, no trust, abject loneliness--

I was an internally moral (in my judgement) person, who absolutely decided pre-marriage I would divorce before cheapening myself with adultery. I asked for a divorce after about 5 years of the misery (10 years into the marriage)--or, I should say "informed" my husband there would be a divorce. He laughed and said if I did, I'd never see my children again--and he could do it. His father happened to be a very powerful, wealthy atty, and I didn't doubt for one moment he could make good on it.

I was seriously depressed for about three more years. I didn't look for male companionship. I wasn't even thinking on those terms. Out of the blue, a man I guess took pity on me. He bought me lunch, when he saw I didn't have any, and checked the tires on my car, changed them for me (I didn't know he had bought me a tire to replace a bald one that was dangerous.) I had confided in a female friend at work, and when he asked about me, she told him. Up to this point, I'd been innocent. I noticed our lunches and conversations at work were things I looked forward to,...and then started thinking about. Suddenly, I was losing weight, dressing better, smiling. It didn't take me long to figure out why. Then, I started doing things I knew I shouldn't. Talking too personally about my situation-- Seeing him in secret-- This went on for two or three months, and I went for it. I must say I loved being happy again. I was like a new person.

Why do people get married if they're just going to cheat? Are that many people that unintrospective?

I made a sincere vow TO MYSELF that I would be a devoted wife and mother. It was very important to me. I would never have believed I would cheat.

Why is it so accepted and yet so lied about?
Legal reasons? I don't know. When I confessed to my husband, I told everybody. I wanted to absolve myself of as much guilt as I could.

Well, Sofia, that certainly puts things in perspective. So, could 15-25 % of all marriages be so aweful? Are you away from that guy now?

As Soz asked, how many marriages are truely happy? A very good Q. And I agree with your assessment, soz, of the low stats.

Nope. He forgave me on the spot, and asked me to forgive him. He accepted responsibility, because he knew the affair was completely out of character for me.

Of course, my actions were my responsibility-

But, post-affair, things got much worse for a couple of months. My "affair guy" and husband had a couple of conversations, and we came very close to having a Jerry Springer moment-- I had told my husband I would stay if he quit drinking and we got counselling. He didn't. By now, the kids were old enough that they couldn't be taken from me. I packed up and left town.

After four months of sobriety and counselling, he moved in with the children and I--and I must say our marriage from then has been so close, so kind. He finally became the man I knew was in there all along.

But, littlek-- I have known a lot of people who are serial cheaters. I don't think my story is the norm.

I'm a wee bit cynical about these things, right now, but I see the society we live in as encouraging people to be very self-centred & self indulgent. If the going gets rough, or the "romantic phase" appears to have worn off, then why not have an affair? We live in a disposable society & maybe marriages have become disposable too? Why not have another, exciting relationship/affair on the side?

I wish that people took the sanctity of marriage more seriously. It seems that young people get married cause they think it's simply something to do, without putting a lot of thought into the effort and commitment. Divorce no longer has the stigma it used to. So if the first marriage doesn't work out, whatever, there's always the second marriage.

Recently, I read two things. One was that the high number of "starter" marriages were increasing significantly. And the other was that most divorces were being asked by women over 40 because they were not going to tolerate their husband's philandering anymore. I may not have the phrasing right, it was something like that.

I figure two things. One, people can love each other til the end of time. But if couples are not taught how to deal with and resolve conflict, trouble will brew - either resulting in affair(s) or subsequently divorce. Second, it seems no matter which partner strays, the affair is a symptom of a problem and not the problem itself. I'm just speaking anecdotally, I'm still single.

But my mom and dad struggled when I was a teenager, and my dad strayed. They got counseling, they are still married. It was a good life lesson for me. Marriage is for real and problems happen and cheating is bad. But they committed to working it out.

And now that I'm an adult and have had a couple of super serious relationships myself, I can see where even though it was my dad that cheated, my mom had some responsibility in her own behavior and what prompted him to look elsewhere for solace.

I don't mean my dad was not to blame. He should've handled himself differently. But I can not see either as the villain. And I'm really glad they worked it out and stayed together. Not enough people do that these days.

Sofia, maybe your situation isn't common, but the point of your story was well taken by me. I hadn't even considered that angle. I'm very glad it all worked out in the end!

MsOlga, a sore spot, eh? I tend to agree with you about the disposable society. I also think we are more and more materialistic, losing sight of the other meaning of wealth - love and happiness.

Buffy, yeah, there is something to be said for working through the issues. I think infidelity can be dealt with and moved on as a team. But, if the root problems aren't dealt with, it's likely to happen again, no? Maybe the working through of the issue includes dealing with the root problem. I hope so.

The point is, littlek, most marriages don't stay in that wonderful, new, romantic phase forever. There seems to be a difficulty in coping with the reality of the situation, for many people, once that magic phase is over. After that, it's learning to live with a situation with fewer illusions. I was certainly ill-prepared for it in my first marriage. I've known people who are continually in this romantic phase, with partner after partner. It's just more exciting!

littlek, working through infidelity must must must include dealing with the root problems on both sides. Otherwise, it's a total waste of time even trying. I think Buffy was getting at that actually, and her emphasis on learning how to communicate better, i.e. dealing with and resolving conflict, is spot on. When couples get angry, upset or depressed with their situation, the natural tendency is to retreat into "wounded animal" mode, rather than making an attempt to both talk, and listen, like adults.

Good points all, I have to get to bed. Thanks for dropping in. I'll be back..........

I think that there are many varieties of marital cheating.

You have the serial cheater. He's one of those "grass is greener" people, emotionally immature, and into instant self gratification. Usually has very low self esteem, that needs propping up emotionally on a constant basis. Pity the person married to one of those.

"Caught up in the heat of the moment" cheating- The chemistry was there, the stars were in correct alignment, and it just HAPPENED. This kind of cheating is quickly perceived as a mistake, and usually does not last long. This kind of cheating won't be disasterous to the marriage, if the cheating spouse can work through the guilt and keep his mouth shut.

The cheating that keeps the marriage together. In my experience, I have known of couples where one spouse has cheated because there is something basic missing in the marriage. The extramarital affair allows the person to keep the marriage together, while satisfying some of the needs that are not met in the marriage.

Often these affairs are long term, and extremely intimate in an emotional way. These are the people who would never dream of dissolving their marriage. These affairs break up when the "other woman" or "other man" insists on committment. Sometimes people in unsatisfying marriages will have a series of affairs over time, but they differ from the serial cheater in the affair's motivation.

first of all--cheaters are not by definition MEN!
having endured 2 marriages/divorces both involving cheating wives. First wife very professionally determined-finshed her Phd by age 30 and asst Prof state univ age 31 had worked-devoted time/energy/effort solely to her work/studies. As prof she suddenly had time and prestige and began having affairs with students (I was off doing my own graduate school work, leaving her unattended and she loved the attention she got from young male students. We lasted 15 yrs.
second wife had long history of brief affairs before, during and after our marriage (she quit counting at 100) her stated motivation for during marriage affairs was to punish me for not attending to her (which was true) We lasted 5 yrs.

dys- Cheaters are definitely not only men! But if you look at the history of your two marriages, can't you see a common pattern? You admit to emotional neglect. It sounds like wife #2 had a major league problem in addition to anything missing in the marriage.

I trust that your experiences have taught you that most women need and want emotional support from their men!

Cheating in sex is the same as all other cheats; no worse, no better. I believe 'morals' and 'christian values' are putting far too much importance on sexual faithfulness, and consequentially most people do. Cheating by faking it is the same, and can be worse, as having sex with other people.

Why?
For me , it is simple. Morals are imposed on us by the society. Sexual instinct is built-in.
There are times when we behave more like animals then emotional/social/intellectual beings.

Of course, excluding relationships not based on good feelings - in such cases, the cheat is the relationship itself.

And I don't include couples HAVING PROBLEMS - as long as there is love on both sides, and willingness to improve, this is a good relationship.

I'm not mentioning 'marriage' here because I think it is a great blunder these days. Instead of it being a simple statement 'we two are together', it is becoming 'we must keep our marriage together because (...)'.
Marriage is the same as a job - some people depend on it existentially.

What to do?
Speak to your partner about everything, including sexual fantasies and who you'd like to have sex with. If you can do this, you'll see 'cheating' is not an option you really want. If you can't, then 'marriage' is not for you.

I have had, and I'm not exaggeraring and certainly not boasting probably a couple of thousand sex partners in my life which if you average out over 25 years on the road is not really surprisingly high.

I have to say that in my case I don't think I was fullfilling any emotional needs, I just love to do it and it was there and readily available, a perk of the job like deli trays and free cocaine, and the "ladies" were ready willing and more than able.

I have cheated on three out of five wives, squinney being both wife four and five, but I have never cheated on squinney and have never even "almost" cheated on her, although the opportunities exist for me constantly due to how I earn my living.

The thing about cheating is that unless you're so drunk or otherwise f@*ked up (like I was all the time for so long) that you don't think about it, you spend as much time worrying about getting caught as you do enjoying the sex.

If you're lucky you will eventually meet someone you love so much you won't want to cheat.

I have to say that outside of that one W.A.V.E. who gave me the clap in Charleston South Carolina in 1981 at the Flying Dutchman I enjoyed my infidelities immensely though. All my wives (excepting squinney) also cheated occasionally and I'm not mad at them. Seemed like the thing to do at the time.

Bi- 2,000 in 25 years? If I do the math, that is about 80 different partners a year, or 6+ a month. I tip my hat to you. You are a lucky son of a b.... that all you ever got was the clap!