Should I trust this guy or give up to avoid getting hurt?

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I went on a couple dates with this guy I met 2 weeks ago. We really hit it off. That is, up until he went home for the weekend and came back saying that he found out something terrible about his family and it messed him up. He said he needed time to work through it and asked for a week or two. It's been a week now and I'm wondering what I should do. I really liked him and I want to hear from him again, but I don't want to appear needy either. We're in university so I see him around campus a lot. He always says hi but it's always in passing and it makes it really hard for me to take my mind off the whole situation.

His text specifically said: "just a heads up if i don't feel like talking in the next week or two don't take it badly, after finding out this weekend I don't really feel like talking to anyone. I do like you I just need a while to figure my stuff out."

I told him it was alright, I was there if he changed his mind, the whole nine yards. But as you probably get already, I'm anxious.

Another concern I have is that the last time we were together we were in his room and fooling around (which I had no problem with) until I had to stop and confess that I was a virgin. He didn't seem turned off by it, but I worry that he might've made the whole thing up because he doesn't want to be with a virgin or someone that isn't necessarily easy. I don't think he's that kind of guy and I have no reason not to trust him, but since we barely know each other, I have no reason to trust him either.

So what should I do? Should I really just wait him out? There's no chance that he's waiting for me to ask him how he's doing, is there? Do you think he'd lie about having family problems? Should I expect to hear from him ever again? Am I over thinking the whole thing? Please help! I'm losing my mind:(

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@emme987,

I don't think it's needy for you to send a note or call and ask, "Do you want to get coffee?"

That's it - nothing else. You're nice. You're concerned. You hope he's feeling better from ... whatever. I don't think you've got anything to lose, to do that, and see what happens.

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@emme987,

I think you should trust him. I also think you could give him a few more days. He asked for a week or two, that is a reasonable thing to ask for... and there is no reason for him to ask that if he wasn't being sincere. He is being honest with you. If he didn't want to be with you, it would be much easier for him to say so that what he is saying (he is being vulnerable).

I agree with Jespah, you should send him a message saying you are thinking about him, that you hope everything is OK and asking if he would like to have coffee.

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@emme987,

You are thinking of waiting for a guy you have only gone out with a couple of times, which is nuts. Secondly, do you want to be with a guy who blows you off for undefined "problems"??

Ya, his story sounds like likely BS, but he sounds like a certain loser. There is no way for his actions plus his story to add up to anything that has him as a guy worth waiting for.

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@hawkeye10,

Ditto. Move on. He is just a loser and you are needy but which woman is not?
When we like someones - it is a disaster from the beginning.
Wish you luck and love and more. Act like he means **** to you.
And do not tell them you are a virgin if you don't mind fooling around.
A lot of guys sees it like 'I took it away - I will have to marry her'...or else.
Best of all. Forget him. What could he found out? That his uncle is gay? big deal!

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@Eliusa,

Hi Eliusa, thanks for taking the time to reply to me. There's something else that I thought of which was part of why I thought I should believe him. When we were together before we were even fooling around he told me he was going home and he wasn't looking forward to seeing his parents. The next day, this is after the fooling around bit (btw there was cuddling after and I just thought if a guy only wanted sex... also I think I told him I was a virgin to get him to stop trying to have sex with me and then I probably said something really neurotic and then he said to me "if that's all I wanted I wouldn't have spent the entire day with you." and then we just lay there watching TV with his arms around me) Anyway the next day we were texting and he said he was already on the bus home because his dad called him and said there was something important he needed to tell him but it had to be in person. I was thinking a divorce.

Do you still think he's full of ****? I go back and forth. And yes I am ashamed that I'm thinking about it this much. I don't even want a boyfriend, I just really liked him. Hate being a girl.

1 Reply

I'm with Jespah and maxdoncona on this one. I'd wait, and also perhaps suggest 'coffee?'

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@ossobuco,

I'm on an emotional roller coaster.

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Call him up and ask him for coffee or something and promise you won't talk about his "family problem" - you just want to see him.

Sure, it could be divorce or an illness, who knows? Too bad he closes you out. He sounds like he needs to talk to someone about it. Encourage him to see an on campus counselor.

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@emme987,

Who cares if he is telling the truth, if he is too damaged to function then he is useless as a BF unless you have very low standards. Being compassionate and waiting him out would only make sense if he had banked some good BF time before trouble hit.

1 Reply

@maxdancona,

It's been 9 days. Is texting him tonight out of the question? I know I'm going to see him tomorrow around campus. I really don't want to go another day wondering what is going through his head.

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@Eliusa,

Why play games?! You're screwed up.

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@Eliusa,

I don't know what you and Hawkeye are thinking. I don't see anything that this guy did that makes him a loser.

Quite the contrary. He communicated what he needs in a mature way without asking for anything unreasonable. In my opinion, when a person can say what he needs directly without games it is only a plus in a relationship.

I really don't get what your problem is.

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@maxdancona,

maxdancona wrote:

I don't know what you and Hawkeye are thinking. I don't see anything that this guy did that makes him a loser.

Quite the contrary. He communicated what he needs in a mature way without asking for anything unreasonable. In mind, when a person can say what he needs directly without games it is only a plus in a relationship.

I really don't get what your problem is.

Ditto.

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@emme987,

Sure, I think it would be OK. Of course it is really hard to know what is happening in his life, but sure...

It is not inappropriate for you to reach out at this point. I have found that in these situations it is good to leave a door open for the other person to come through if they are ready.

I would keep it short and light. Say you are thinking about him and that you hope everything is ok. And ask him if he would be up for a cup of coffee.

If I received such a text, I would certainly appreciate it.

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@emme987,

send him a text

something light/friendly

hey, we'll be on campus at the same time tomorrow. let me treat you to a coffee

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@emme987,

So how did it go?

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

His grandfather died. He's having a terrible time dealing with it. They were close. He wants to be with me but he has to deal with one thing at a time. He added, if I'm single when he's feeling better he'll call me as soon as he can.

You were wrong but I still appreciate your advice, Hawkeye10. Boy, the truth hurts, though. I never thought it was possible to feel so much pain over someone I just started dating. I've never been this way before. Makes you wonder about fate and all that. But I guess i'll never know.

Despite the bad news, I'm still glad I eventually worked up the courage to text him. Thank you all of you for your advice. I'm sure he appreciated my initiating the conversation. I feel bad for doubting. It hurts but it's better than constantly checking my phone to see if he called.

I think I'll be sharing this heartbreak story for a few years to come...over wine of course.

Thanks again!

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@emme987,

Quote:

He's having a terrible time dealing with it. They were close. He wants to be with me but he has to deal with one thing at a time.

Quote:

You were wrong

I was right. If a death of a grandpa is going to lay this guy out flat for weeks I would hate to see what other adversity that is a normal part of life will do. THese are the kind of guys that women ditch after wasting a decade or more because they are emotionally unavailable, and being with them suck womens spirits dry. It is not like this guy is not around because he has a funeral to plan and an estate to deal with, he has almost no extra work, he is choosing to not be with you. Look at what this is doing to you now, and you barely know him. Do you maybe want to sign up for a lifetime of this?

I once had a guy who called me up and said that he could not come to work for two days because his cat died. I should have fired him then. Instead I was compassionate, and three weeks later he walked out during a rush because he could not deal with the pressure.

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

You were wrong.

He is not a damaged human being.

He is a caring young man who has lost a family member. That's the kind of person humans want in their lives. People who can care for others.

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Should I trust this guy or give up to avoid getting hurt?

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