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Guy touched me, should I tell boyfriend?

 
 
Reply Thu 18 Sep, 2014 05:17 am
Two months ago I was on a holiday in Thailand with my mother. We met two brothers from my university so they asked if I would come to the full moon party with them and their roommates from the hostel (also girls) so that I could experience the full moon party anyway since I wasn't planning on going with my mother. It started off as a fun night, just chatting with everyone and then we left to the beach with the whole group. But there were so many people so me and one of these brothers lost track of the group and turned out alone. We were searching for the group the whole time and in the meantime we drank a bit and we were just having fun, nothing was wrong. But the guy began to flirt with me more and more (I had already told him that I had a boyfriend). I didn't really care because he was really drunk and he was just saying things like’you’re beautiful’ and so on and it was kind of flattering. Then one moment I said: let’s go to the sea, because I wanted to rinse off all the sand. So the guy came with me, and suddenly put his hand inside my pants. I let it happen for a just few seconds because I froze and first I didn't realize what was going on. Then I started crying and walked away. I didn't even hold him or whatsoever. The guy came after me because he had promised to walk me back to the hostel. The whole way back I was crying and I said I didn't want to do anything with him because I love my boyfriend very much. He said sorry for being so pushy. I don't know what to do, I didn't do anything but still feel like I should've know he was going to do something. I don't know if I should tell my boyfriend or not because it would cause him unnecessary pain. I would never ever cheat on him Sad
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Type: Question • Score: 13 • Views: 8,034 • Replies: 78

 
CoastalRat
 
  5  
Reply Thu 18 Sep, 2014 05:48 am
@SeverienBehets,
Boyfriend does not need to know. You did nothing wrong. (Other than putting yourself into a situation where you were alone with this guy. I find it hard to believe you "lost track" of the group. I think you knew exactly what you were doing but then changed your mind. But that is irrelevant.) He made a move on you and you rejected it. So why tell your boyfriend?
SeverienBehets
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 Sep, 2014 06:49 am
@CoastalRat,
I swear it was never my intention to be alone with him. I don't know if you know the full moon party but there are like 16000 people there.. We were talking about random stuff while following the rest from one place to another and really lost them. The reason I think about telling him is because the guy did touch me for a few seconds and I feel so bad for letting it happen for a while instead of just slapping him..
engineer
 
  3  
Reply Thu 18 Sep, 2014 07:29 am
@SeverienBehets,
Exactly - in very clear detail - do you want to get from telling your boyfriend?

Do you want him to think you are great for showing restraint and resisting someone else's advance? Don't think you are going to get that. Do you want to make him feel bad? Yep, that will happen. Do you want to relieve yourself of guilt? Might work, but almost certainly at your boyfriend's expense. Do you want your boyfriend to track down the "bad guy" who you were leading on and beat on him? You better hope that is not going to happen. Do you want to end your relationship? You might get that but there are easier ways to do that that are fairer to your boyfriend.

So what are you after?
SeverienBehets
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 Sep, 2014 07:46 am
@engineer,
I just feel like I'm holding something back from him and I want to be as fair as possible with my boyfriend. I just can't seem to forget about it so I think it would also be to relieve myself for the guilt I feel. If he wants to end the relationship because of that than I think he deserves to know but I certainly do not want to end it at all!! I love him more than anything! I just don't know how he would react so that's why I'm asking other people's opinions about the situation.. I just want to do what is fair to him, but I don't know what is fair.
CoastalRat
 
  2  
Reply Thu 18 Sep, 2014 08:00 am
@SeverienBehets,
Quote:
I swear it was never my intention to be alone with him.
I certainly won't argue this point with you, but if this were the case, why did you stop looking for the group and go out into the water with him? It made him think you were fine being alone with him. But all of that is a non-issue where your main question is concerned.

I agree with Engineer that you need to ask yourself what you expect to gain from telling your boyfriend.
engineer
 
  5  
Reply Thu 18 Sep, 2014 08:05 am
@SeverienBehets,
I think we need to talk about what is best for you. You are saying you were molested. You need to talk to someone to help you move on. That person is not your boyfriend. Your boyfriend is not trained to handle something like this and has an emotional stake that will not allow him to be objective and help you. Do you have access to a councilor? IMO, being fair to him means getting help for yourself.
SeverienBehets
 
  2  
Reply Thu 18 Sep, 2014 08:42 am
@engineer,
I guess you're right. I already told my mom the whole story and she I shouldn't tell him because it would unnecessary hurt him. That talk helped me to forget about it for a while but it always comes back so I don't know what to do anymore. I hope it will go away in time..
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 Sep, 2014 08:48 am
@SeverienBehets,
Is there a counsellor you can speak to about this incident?
SeverienBehets
 
  2  
Reply Thu 18 Sep, 2014 08:55 am
@CoastalRat,
I eventually was fine being alone with him, because we had a good talk that evening and it was just fun. However I never expected or wanted him to touch me. He also knew that I had a boyfriend. But I agree that going into the water may have given him the wrong impression.
0 Replies
 
SeverienBehets
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 Sep, 2014 09:21 am
@ehBeth,
No, not really..
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SeverienBehets
 
  3  
Reply Thu 18 Sep, 2014 01:14 pm
@victorcarjan,
Wow you totally misunderstood. I NEVER asked him to get the sand of my body! I only said; 'lets go to the sea'. Because I wanted to rinse myself off. I did not ask him to touch me or gave him permission to touch me at any point. I understand that it may be hard to believe but it didn't even cross my mind to kiss him. When he touched me, I wasn't even holding him and certainly not liking it. I just froze, I don't know why. But please just believe what I'm saying here. I'm not trying to justify myself. I'm really telling everything as it went because I want people's opinions on the facts...There would be no point of lying about that here. However I understand that I messed up by going into the sea, because it gave him a signal to do something..
victorcarjan
 
  -4  
Reply Thu 18 Sep, 2014 01:25 pm
@SeverienBehets,
Okay. You're right, it is hard to imagine someone going straight for the pants without a hug or a kiss (unless we're talking about pick-pockets). But okay, taking everything you said as 100% truth.

Yes, you still made a big mistake by allowing yourself to be in a situation where you and he were alone and drunk. You wanted to go to the sea to rinse yourself of the sand...and asked him to go.....and he understood your request the way most people would, except he thinks the hands in the pants come before a kiss...he's an odd one.....

Anyway, everything I said still stands. This is something your boyfriend has to know, and, he is not going to take everything you say as fact, he is going to think you asked him to the sea for a specific reason. You are going to have to accept that, and you have to give him the option if he wants to continue the relationship or not.
roger
 
  4  
Reply Thu 18 Sep, 2014 01:33 pm
@victorcarjan,
I do not believe you are giving good advice here.
victorcarjan
 
  -2  
Reply Thu 18 Sep, 2014 01:54 pm
@roger,
Okay... why not?
0 Replies
 
contrex
 
  2  
Reply Thu 18 Sep, 2014 01:55 pm
@roger,
roger wrote:
I do not believe you are giving good advice here.

He (victorcarjan) is being a jerk, as usual.

roger
 
  3  
Reply Thu 18 Sep, 2014 02:03 pm
@contrex,
I have noticed that, but some opinions are more destructive than others.
0 Replies
 
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