Help!!!!!!!!! Unsupportive Boyfriend?

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My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years. We are best friends ( I think?) and lovers. Everything is generally smooth and I feel like I know every aspect of him but I don't really feel it's reciprocated on his end. Last night, I found out my family dog was being put to sleep. Naturally, I'm very upset and devastated. I'm just going through alot right now. I moved to my current city to finish college 4 years ago, and ended up staying here. I'm now back to in school for my Masters and I'm working. I don't know anyone here except him so naturally he became my best friend. Anyway, to give some perspective on my state of mind, the last few days I've had unexplained dizziness and naseau ( NO, I'm not pregnant) which has made it hard to function and I have just not generally been feeling well. On top of this, I've had a raging toothache, I am in summer school and in the middle of finals, and I work part time. I've stressed time and time again to him how crucial it is for me to feel that he supports me emotionally. More than anything, that's what I need, most especially when I'm going through difficult times. Time and time again he has let me down, or atleast I feel like it. Today he left for a 3 day camping trip, that he and his friends had planned for a few months now and they are going to an area where there is no reception. I can't help but feel abandoned and let down. How can he possibly be ok with not having contact with me to make sure I'm ok? Because, I'm devastated and so depressed. He knows I am and he still walked away and went on the trip. It just doesn't sit well with me. But then I wonder, am I being ridiculous? There have been similar times, coincidences where hard life circumstances have happened when he just so happened to be going on a small trip for the weekend and he's always gone on those to. Am I wrong to be feeling this way? I don't even feel like he loves me although he shows me he does in different ways and I'm contemplating ending our relationship. I'm tired of being here, in this position. Any wisdom...advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Type: Question • Score: 14 • Views: 2,685 • Replies: 71

@jdee90,

Do you live with your boyfriend?

1 Reply

@glitterbag,

No, I don't. However, we live in the same city

2 Replies

@jdee90,

Surely you don't need him to come to the doctor and the dentist with you. He's planned this trip for months and he's only going to be away for three days why do you need to be in constant phone contact with him? You need to develop a little more self-reliance. Find some friends of your own to go away on a camping trip with.

1 Reply

@Pearlylustre,

Thanks for the reply! You're right, I don't need or even want him to go to the doctor with me..I was just trying to add perspective to how I'm feeling. I also don't need constant phone contact with him..I'm buried in studying the rest of the weekend and wouldn't be anyway. My point is just, I feel like..if he was in my position..I'd never in a million years be ok with going days without checking up on him making sure he is ok and well...and I wouldn't go on the trip, no matter how long I planned it for. I feel like it's a slap in the face because he knows how distraught I am and he just left me anyway. I feel like I give more in the relationship ( emotionally) than what I give and I'm tired of it. I feel like I deserve more. However, maybe I'm wrong.

0 Replies

@jdee90,

I want to discuss this with you, but I'm having trouble finding the right words. I hope you get that tooth looked at asap and make sure a filling hasn't dropped out and also to rule out an infection under the tooth. I'll be back on Saturday.

1 Reply

@glitterbag,

Ok, thank you Smile

0 Replies

@jdee90,

I'm so old that I don't get it anymore, why people in their first experiences of being together want to make it about all of life forevermore. He is not interested in how you are doing in difficult times.

What is the question? Why are you contemplating?

2 Replies

@ossobuco,

Simple, because I love him.

Why am I contemplating...leaving him or not leaving him?

Thanks for you reply Smile

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You said that he knows how "devastated " you are.

Are you sure? He's not a mind reader, you know.

Did you TELL him to call you on a certain day at a certain time? or did you expect him to just call you when he thinks he should.

My point is: give him directions on how to comfort you. Guys don't get this on their own, believe me. You should have said, "Call me Tues. nite. OK? I'm feeling down and need to hear your voice"

2 Replies

@PUNKEY,

Hi Punkey, thanks your your reply. Smile

I agree, and I don't expect him to be a mind reader and vice versa. However, I think telling him on more than one occasion yesterday that I wish he didn't have to go suffices. He also kept checking on me throughout the day...so I also think that one can presume that he KNOWS I'm not ok....and he was ok leaving anyway. And, who wants to tell someone when to call them? Shouldn't they call on their own...because they care?!

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

Also, we've been in this circumstance 2 or 3 other times...talked it out and I made it clear what I needed. So, he knows.

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@jdee90,

Just something to think about.

You keep talking about "what you need." You wrote several times about telling him what you needed. I get a sense that you want everything to be all about you. What about him? Maybe he needed to go on this camping trip with his friends. Maybe he just wanted to get away from you and your constant talk about what you need.

I don't know the dynamics of your relationship. You don't say whether he works or is in school or whatever. But the two of you are not joined at the hip. You make a big deal about his leaving for this trip, but this trip has been planned for months. What should he do, cancel because you have a toothache? Is that fair to him to expect him to cancel plans made months ago because you just don't want him to go right now?

You both have lives apart from each other. As someone else wrote, cultivate friendships apart from him. Go out with the girls. Then the time the two of you spend together will mean so much more to each of you.

1 Reply

@CoastalRat,

It might seem like I want everything about me, but that isn't the dynamic of our relationship. We have open communication and he constantly expresses to me what he needs from me as well and most importantly, I strive to meet his needs and he's told me many times he feels his needs are met. However, I mentioned how I feel like I give and give but don't even get the basics back. Like, support during hard times. He is finished with school and works full time now. He loves his job, has great relationships with his family and friends and is a happy person overall.

YES, he should cancel! Or perhaps, cut it short, or go later or perhaps make some other type of plan. That's the kind of support I give him in our relationship, but I'm not getting it back and it's what I need. I don't feel like he cares.

I already have a hectic schedule, I'm starting a FNP program, and he has much more down time than me, sees his friends a few times a week, and his family, and we don't see each other as we would even like. So, we do have separate lives apart. However, I expect the man who loves me, claims he wants me to marry him to BE THERE during times of hardship. It's easy to be there when times are easy. Anyone can do that and that's an easy test of character. The man I want to be married to for 60, 70 years, at the least should be able to put a camping trip aside and be there for me.

Oh, and if we went on the trip to get away from my "constant talk of what I need", then he isn't the man for me. Plain and simple. That isn't long suffering or enduring.

Am I wrong???

1 Reply

@jdee90,

Quote:

YES, he should cancel! Or perhaps, cut it short,

WHAT? No.

Everything else you say gets poisoned by your clearly unrealistic expectations right here. It is not his job to make you happy, it is your job to make you happy. I very much doubt that you understand this.

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

Make me happy? This has nothing to do with him making ME "happy." I've taken plenty of psych classes through the years, my profession is in psych right now and I understand the whole make yourself happy spiel. Trust me. I'm a very happy person. However life is tough, and situations arise where you need emotional support. I'm no different. It DOES have everything to do with a guy who claims all that he does to me every single day for 2.5 years and still can't even meet the basics through his ACTIONS, like showing he cares about me during times of difficulty.

Everyone wants to feel cared about by those they love, and by those who claim to love them. And, everyone has different expectations in regards to how that is showed. He doesn't meet mine. Perhaps, no one will be able to. But, I think I'd rather have that then be hurt by someone.

2 Replies

@jdee90,

Quote:

But, I think I'd rather have that then be hurt by someone.

Perhaps the problem is not his behaviour, but is rather your expectations. That you expect him to drop a long planned three day outing with friends because you are "having a rough time" emotionally leads me to believe that the problem is your expectations.

We cant get his side of the story, which is required because we already have reason to doubt your judgment. Couples counseling is the obvious next step, because while it is easy to trash this relationship if the problem is you then all of your relationships are doomed.

2 Replies

@jdee90,

You seem very needy and clingy to me and rely solely on your boyfriend. You have no friends, despite being in the city for 4 years and your boyfriend has to wear several hats to comply with your needs - friend, lover, entertainer, confidant, etc. etc. It's not his fault that you don't have a friend to go out with or girlfriends to commiserate with.

He probably thought that you have to study for your finals and won't be much available, so a trip with his buddies seemed fair. Sure, the loss of your family dog came in between, but do you really expect him to cancel his plans and sit with you holding your hand while you talk endlessly about Fido and your loss.

As I said, you come across as very needy and clingy, not a healthy situation for any relationship.

1 Reply

@jdee90,

Quote:

There have been similar times, coincidences where hard life circumstances have happened when he just so happened to be going on a small trip for the weekend and he's always gone on those to.

Quote:

Also, we've been in this circumstance 2 or 3 other times...talked it out and I made it clear what I needed. So, he knows.

I am not a psychiatrist or a psychologist...

...but my guess as a lay person is that if you were to discuss these two passages with a psychiatrist or psychologist...

...you would be uncomfortable with what they would say about them.

There are some problems in your relationship...but to me, he has more reason to "beware" than you.

Work on it, Jdee.

1 Reply

@jdee90,

jdee90 wrote:

still can't even meet the basics through his ACTIONS

if you truly feel that he doesn't meet the basics of your requirements you really should move on. It would be better for you, and much better for him.

1 Reply

Help!!!!!!!!! Unsupportive Boyfriend?

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