Help!!!!!!!!! Unsupportive Boyfriend?

I think it is problematic that you have lived in your current city for 4 years and don't know anyone except your boyfriend. It seems like you've got WAAAAY too much invested in the relationship with your boyfriend. You need some just plain old friends - take some pressure off the poor guy.

It's way past time for you to develop some strong friendships that do not involve your boyfriend.

I was thinking of something related to this the other day.

When I was in my teens and twenties, we didn't have cell phones and long distance phone calls were expensive. I sometimes didn't talk to my boyfriend for weeks at a time when we were in different cities. It seemed normal to me then and still does.

There's no need to talk to a girlfriend/boyfriend/anyone multiple times a day. Really, nothing most of us do is that interesting.

I sometimes don't talk to Set (who I have lived with for years) for a few days as our schedules don't match up.

I don't believe my expectations are wrong. But, I appreciate your input.

I don't believe my expectations are wrong, let alone unrealistic. But, I appreciate your input.

I have no huge group of friends here because I've had to move around alot in Southern California due to school and work, so I haven't lived in one city long enough to make friends with people I'd consider being friends with, let alone we live in a small town and there aren't many places to even meet people. This is his hometown, he was raised here, so naturally he has a plethora of friends. I have tons of friends back home, two best girlfriends that I keep in contact with, and a few friends, but closer to aquaintances here where I currently live. However, he is my very best friend here and it takes alot for me to open up to a person to the point where I'd feel comfortable enough classifying them as a good enough friend to even share these struggles with in the first place. He does indeed have several hats to wear, I'm completely mindful of that. However, he's made it clear to me that he's OK with that and enjoys it. Being my best friend here, he's the one person I'd like to be able to go to during emotionally rough times. My best girlfriends back home are too far away, hours away to go get a hug, or talk to face to face for hours. He's decided to wear the hats, so either wear them or not, or walk away. Same for me. I can understand why you'd think I'm clingy, but I have very low expectations elsewhere. I bend over backwards for him in a variety of areas, and the one area where I feel like I actually expect him to meet is my emotional needs in a relationship. I don't feel that's too much to ask.

And yes, I do expect him to figure something out regarding his trip. There are another 10 people going, and the trip doesn't revolve around him. It wouldn't have hurt him to hmmm, say, go one day later or something. I'm always by his side during tough times.

You make a claim but don't elaborate. Beware of me? Um, why? I can't be too bad considering the fact he wants me to marry him...lol

Thanks for the advice!

First, it is your responsibility to create a social network of support. One person cannot care for all your needs (even if you were married...which your not...so no vows of in sickness/ health yet). Second, he had this planned months ahead of time. Nausea/dizziness just before the trip sounds iffy at best. In any case it's not something you might need a nurse for. The fact you're considering breaking up over this sounds manipulative to me. You don't live together, you're not married....it means you're still trying out each other for fit right?! Nobody can complete you ok...

I am happy he wants to be with you...and I hope you two have a great marriage.

But you seem a bit clingy...and since problems for you seem to come up when he has plans for going away...there is AS LEAST THE POSSIBILITY that this kind of thing will become a habit.

If I were he...I would be careful...just as you should be careful.

Marriage is one hell of a serious commitment!

maybe you need to give him a break. He has plans - be happy that he has friends that he likes to do things with - that is a great sign of good mental health on his part. It sounds like he knows how to keep his side of the relationship balanced.

You don't need a huge group of friends...just a few strong relationships. Its normal for people to need some space. My husband travels for business at times. We've moved due to his work several times. I've had to self-soothe often. Did I mention I'm a foreigner and no family lives nearby? So, this is what you do: call family, old friends, catch up on FB, go for a run to relieve stress....worst thing you can do is be a black hole of emotional need. That is a formula for disaster.

This whole thread bothers me.

The impression I get, which may be wrong, is this:

It sounds to me that when he is with you - he pays a lot of attention to you?

You mention the current issue is not the first time he's gone on a trip when he shouldn't have: how many times has he gone away on a camping trip with the boys Vs how many times 'he shouldn't have'?

I wonder if he needs male bonding in order to be happy? We bring our happiness to relationships, and they (the relationship) should enhance that happiness....but if we don't get in our individual lives what we need to be happy?

It seems to that you are much more reliant on him, than he is on you? And you love his independence and life, but perhaps not how it keeps taking him away from you?

There's lots of other questions and thoughts - as I said, the whole thread just bothers me.

First of all, I don't expect him to create any social network for me. To be quite honest, I've been perfectly happy having a few close friends. I prefer THAT rather than a huge group of friends anyway. I don't expect him to care for all my needs. I take care all of my financial needs, physical needs, spiritual needs and most of my emotional needs. We all form networks in life for a reason. One reason you have a best friend is hmm...so you can lean on them in hard times, and good times. Share life. This isn't unsual. I am FAR from manipulative and my naseau dizziness is NOT iffy whatsoever. I've had alot of unexplained medical problems lately, I only named one. So how in the world would you even know what qualifies as needing a doctor or not? Give me a break. And, since when am I breaking up with over JUST this scenario? Can you not see it's complicated? Even perhaps more than just this issue? Come on. I've been with him for how long? There is a pattern here that I've been unhappy with, that I've expressed to change and it hasn't. This and MANY others. Everyone has a breaking point, when things that you're unhappy with don't change, when time and time again you've asked for them to change. Furthermore, I'm not looking for anyone to complete me. I understand what you're saying but no, we've both pretty much committed to each other entirely, both expressed we've been in it for the long haul, so no, we aren't just experimenting teens here.

Let me clarify. I've lived in Southern California for 4 years, but I've moved tons to different cities down here.

I get what you're saying though. I know other people, and I have a few friends here but noone on a level that I'd like to be close enough to share intimate details of my relationship with or really go to. I do however have great friends, back home, who I see a few times a here and we talk often ( and sometimes about our relationships).

Having guy time, girl time is very well balanced and I encourage him to do it and have no issue with it. However, I do have an issue with it when I RARELY need him to just BE THERE. I've always been the type to handle the whole world on my shoulders and self cope, and I've done it pretty well. But there are sometimes, where I just want my very best friend there.

That's cool, ya how technology has changed the world.

We do talk everyday, and that's always been normal for us. Sometimes it's just a hey, how are you, miss you. Or sometimes it's more extensive.

I totally agree, and he has space all of time. We don't see each other during the week much, and if we do it's for like one hour. We both get home late, he commutes and when I get home, I'm usually studying.Then we typically spend maybe one day on the weekend together.

I've always self soothed and self coped, actually, my whole life. I've always found other outlets- exercise, music etc But sometimes, I'm not that strong and I just need someone there. He's my best friend and confidant, and I just don't feel like its too much to ask for him to be there during the hardest times. I agree, that being an endless hole is a recipe for disaster. However, I'm not. I actually require little from him, but give a whole lot. Which, I enjoy.

We pay alot of attention: to each other. When we do get quality time, we savor it, which for the past few months has been rare.

Like I mentioned above, I encourage him to have his guy time. He knows that. However, the few times when I have needed him, I expect the love of my life to be there. Sorry, but this isn't bothersome or unusual.

A few questions for you to consider:

1. Have you considered picking up the phone and calling some of these good home town friends of yours and getting your need filled by one of them? If not, why not?

2. Could you draw a word picture of what the "support" is that you want from your boyfriend? What does it look like, what does it feel like, what does it sound like, etc?

3. You say you are very upset and devastated about your family dog being put down. Yet, out of 19 posts you've written so far, you've only mentioned the dog in one sentence of those 19 posts.

Are you sure it is the dog that has you so upset and devastated? Sounds like there is something else going on. You aren't feeling well and you are stressed out from schoolwork. That can make anyone feel needy and sensitive, especially when others are out having fun and you are stuck at home studying and nursing yourself back to good health. Does news of the dog make you homesick? Are you upset that you didn't know he was ill until now?

1. I talked to one of them. She can't drive hours and I can't drive hours to give me a hug, comfort, just be there, now can she? Even if she could, I prefer him anyway.
2. I've gone over this with him, and him with me. This isn't a new concept between us.
3. Um, I don't see your point? I don't think it's necessary to keep reiterating exactly, pin point why I'm down. Point is: Yes, I'm down and yes, he is failing in a certain department.

4.Yes, there are alot of things going on! And certainly, one of them is NOT due to being home, rather than out like him. I'm very focused on school, and have a love-hate relationship with it. I'm making a WILLING sacrifice now for something later, which doesn't make me wish to be out of my house right now. I'm content being home. School itself has always been an outlet for me, and I like the input/ouput aspect of it, no matter how stressful it is. No, the news of my dog doesn't necessarily make me "homesick." It just hurts my heart. I'm naturally grieving a loss, on top of a bunch of other things. And, who says I just now knew he was ill? I appreciate your input, but you're making a load of assumptions.

I had intended to add my thoughts on this matter, but after reading what my fellow members have written and judging by the tone you have been using responding to them, I think I'm going to skip this party.

Just to be absolutely clear, a few members I seldom agree with have given you excellent advice as well as issues you should consider. I doubt I can improve on any advice already offered.