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Intimate conversation please help

 
 
newstep
 
Reply Thu 17 Jul, 2014 10:08 am
I recently heard a recording of my husband's voice talking to someone else. He said," Don't look at me like that now. I already feel sick at what I've done and that doesn't make me feel any better." He was supposed to be at work when he was having that conversation. I can't imagine who he would be talking like that to. It sounds intimate to me. The recording took place about 9 months ago and I just recently figured out how to play it clearly ( by changing audio settings). Last year he treated me very badly and I had a gut feeling he was having an affair. Since I heard the recording, I haven't felt the same. I think he was gaslighting me. What is your impression?
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Type: Question • Score: 6 • Views: 4,143 • Replies: 58
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CoastalRat
 
  1  
Reply Thu 17 Jul, 2014 10:32 am
@newstep,
Ok, first of all, I find it very difficult to believe that a man would record this conversation and that you would know where the recording was and how to access it. So personally, I think this whole post is bull. Especially since it was recorded at work.

Maybe he was talking to his boss about a mistake he made at work. Maybe he was talking to his lover. Who knows? Maybe he recorded it intentionally with the expectation that you would listen just to teach you a lesson about snooping and nothing at all is going on. That would serve you right if he had.

newstep
 
  1  
Reply Thu 17 Jul, 2014 10:47 am
@CoastalRat,
It not bull. I placed a covert listening device in his car. It is difficult to drown out the road and engine noise. This took place early in the morning before he arrived to work. I also heard two cars doors close. I couldn't hear the conversation until he got off the freeway. ...
CoastalRat
 
  2  
Reply Thu 17 Jul, 2014 10:53 am
@newstep,
So basically, you do not trust your husband so you decided to spy on him. Great. My advice is now pretty simple.

Even if nothing is going on, move out and file for divorce. Without trust, the marriage is over. You don't trust him, and once he finds out about the listening device, he will never trust you.

Next time, if you are concerned about your husband cheating on you, maybe sitting down and having an adult conversation about your concerns would be a better plan of action. There must have been some reason you got the listening device. So there were certainly concerns that you could have talked to him about.
newstep
 
  1  
Reply Thu 17 Jul, 2014 11:17 am
@CoastalRat,
I understand what you're saying but, I have loved and trusted this man my entire adult life. Then, things began to change and I caught him in a few lies. He started working long hours, shutting his cell phone off at home and guarding it, buying new clothes and most importantly treating me like I couldn't do anything right. I felt confused and suspected an affair. I tried to have a conversations about all this with him but he wasn't receptive. I know if someone is lying to you, more than likely they won't admit to an affair. I'm very afraid and alone. I have no family at all except for him. Initially I was trying my best to do everything right. I tried to please him but nothing about me seemed to please him. Example: I cooked for 7 hours last Thankgiving and he never spoke a single word to me. Not even thank you. I guess I was hoping it was just a phase but now I'm not so sure. If he had an affair, I don't feel like I can stay in this marriage. Anything else I'm willing to work on. Ours is along marriage.
CoastalRat
 
  1  
Reply Thu 17 Jul, 2014 12:27 pm
@newstep,
Ok, so it seems you've been suspicious for a little while and he seems to be treating you as an afterthought. The problem you have going forward is his willingness to sit down and talk about it. UNLESS he is willing to do so with you or with a couples counselor, there is little you can do to find out what is wrong.

Maybe he is just feeling guilty over an affair and it is eating him up inside. Maybe he is afraid to talk to you for fear you would leave. In any case, you must somehow get him to talk to you. If he had an affair and it is over, you need to decide in advance if you can forgive him or not. Then you guys need to talk. Otherwise, your relationship will not improve and then you need to decide what you want to do.

Maybe sit him down and start by telling him that for a while now you believe something has changed in your relationship and you don't know if you did anything that he is struggling with and if you have, then you want to talk about it. Maybe ever tell him that you are fearful that his change in behavior toward you has you wondering if he might be thinking about an affair or has already had one. Remind him that you love him and you want to fix whatever has come between the two of you. BUT, if he does admit to an affair, you have to be prepared and not over-react. If you want to stay in the marriage, you have to be ready to forgive.

You know him better than us. Only you can figure out exactly what to say and how to get him to talk to you. The above is only to get you thinking about how to approach him. I do wish you luck. But if he is not willing to talk in some manner about what has changed, there may not be much you can do to fix things.

God bless.
newstep
 
  1  
Reply Thu 17 Jul, 2014 12:45 pm
@CoastalRat,
I had numerous conversations with him. He denied ever having an affair. He said things had gotten very emotional and he checked out. He did admit to a few things like flirting with another woman right in front of me. I doubt most people would readily admit to an affair. That recording I heard sounds intimate in nature. There's an emotional component. First, it was early in the morning (before 6:00 a.m.) and he wasn't a work yet. A man wouldn't talk to another man like that. Also my husband is not an emotional person. He said he felt sick at what he had done and to not look at him like that as if he couldn't emotionally bear it.
newstep
 
  1  
Reply Thu 17 Jul, 2014 12:54 pm
@newstep,
I wish I could hear how what was said in the recording sounds like to others. Also taking into consideration it happened early in the morning before going to work.
0 Replies
 
CoastalRat
 
  1  
Reply Thu 17 Jul, 2014 01:55 pm
@newstep,
Darling, darling, darling. Why do you keep changing the story? I know this is upsetting, but each time I give a suggestion, you change things.

I suggested you talk to him about it and your replied
Quote:
I tried to have a conversations about all this with him but he wasn't receptive.


Then I tell you again that things will not get better until you sit him down and talk things out, even suggesting how you might approach him and you reply
Quote:
I had numerous conversations with him.


So you can see why I am confused. But in any case, I still think, based on your observations and what you have shared, that you two need to have a serious conversation, even if he has not had an affair and continues to deny having one. Maybe a minister or a couples counselor would do the trick and it may only take a couple of sessions.

If he continues to refuse to talk about your concerns, then I don't know what to tell you. Relationships rely on communication and trust to succeed. You have already shown that you have become distrustful and he is refusing (or not, hard to tell since you change the story) to open up and talk about what might have changed in the relationship.
newstep
 
  1  
Reply Thu 17 Jul, 2014 02:21 pm
@CoastalRat,
I guess I felt that in conversations he wasn't receptive to what I was trying to explain. So that rendered the conversation inefficient . We have had lots of arguments because he would become angry the moment I touched on why I felt the way I do. He on occassion admitted a few things. The problem is early in our relationship he cheated on me. I forgave him and moved on.. At that time he denied, denied and denied again until I confronted him with proof. Now due to the situation, I'm afraid that if he was capable of lying to my face back then, he might just be doing it now. I wish I felt certain. I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't respect me. Even though I feel this way, I haven't brought up the past to him. Also the other day I asked him to pray for our marriage. He acted very annoyed and said "Fine but I'll say it in silence. That made me uncomfortable.
CoastalRat
 
  2  
Reply Fri 18 Jul, 2014 06:47 am
@newstep,
At least now I understand why you have some trust issues and why you would become suspicious enough to get a recording device. The earlier infidelity explains that aspect for me.

Would he be receptive to going to a counselor together? I absolutely still think that you need an honest, open discussion where you both say what you need to say without hurting each other, and a professional counselor would be able to guide you in that type of communication. If he is not willing, then I think the relationship, from your perspective, may be difficult to repair and you will need to make some tough choices.

newstep
 
  1  
Reply Fri 18 Jul, 2014 07:58 am
@CoastalRat,
Thanks for your time. I'm too ashamed to discuss this with anyone I know. Your right about counseling. But I have strong need to satisfy myself & find out once and for all. I don't think he would admit it to a counselor . He knows I would leave. Maybe I should go to counseling on my own. I feel stuck. He cheated at very beginning. 7 years later we had a rough patch. I suspected but couldn't confirm. At that time we moved (he behaved as if in a hurry) . I almost left him then. After that move, he changed instantaneously and became my loving husband again. Now 7 years later here I am again. If this is cyclical, I don't want any part of it. I don't want to pay a counselor for him to simply lie and say what I want to hear. My biggest fear is that I'm in the cheaper to keep her category.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Fri 18 Jul, 2014 08:06 am
@newstep,
newstep wrote:
But I have strong need to satisfy myself & find out once and for all.


There is simply no point to this.

You do not trust your husband.

Whether or not he has cheated, you do not trust him and you have attempted to spy on him.

Find a way to live independently and leave.

It doesn't matter if he's had an affair recently.

You do not trust your husband and if he knew what you did, he would know not to trust you.

Move on.
CoastalRat
 
  1  
Reply Fri 18 Jul, 2014 08:09 am
@newstep,
I do think it would help you clarify things if you talked to a counselor yourself. Maybe a minister if you attend a church (this would eliminate the expense if you feel you cannot afford a paid counselor.) Feel free to drop me a note if you just want to vent or talk something thru. I'm certainly not a trained counselor, but I am happy to let you put your thoughts out there if it helps. You can also send a message to my inbox here if you'd rather not put something out for everyone. (Although it would not hurt if others were to jump in with their thoughts. I don't claim to know it all...well, actually I do, but I must leave open the possibility that I do not.)
newstep
 
  1  
Reply Fri 18 Jul, 2014 08:36 am
@ehBeth,
I understand what you mean. I have been able to support myself financially my entire life. So there's no problem there. As far as marriage--mine is an old one and I don't want to simply discard it. I guess I know couples can overcome many things. In my case, I am a foreigner, I have no family here, and have no way to live close to family ( they live in other countries). My husband is all I have. However, even if I'm all alone, I'd rather than be with a cheater. It matters to me if he's had an affair or not. I would be willing to work on my trust issues if in fact he didn't cheat. Maybe it's all linked to the relationship starting off with deceit. We've had great years together in between when I felt I completely trusted him. Relationships are complicated when you're emotionally involved.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Fri 18 Jul, 2014 08:37 am
@newstep,
newstep wrote:
I would be willing to work on my trust issues if he didn't .


what about his trust issues? you spied on him. He now has no reason to trust you.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Fri 18 Jul, 2014 08:39 am
@newstep,
newstep wrote:

I placed a covert listening device in his car.


from my perspective, your marriage ended the day you did this.

If I can't trust my partner, there is nothing. Nothing.
newstep
 
  1  
Reply Fri 18 Jul, 2014 08:47 am
@ehBeth,
See I corrected the sentence because it didn't convey what I wanted to say. As far as him, maybe he'll forgive me and understand that I acted out of fear rather than disloyalty. He knows very well what prompted things. Anyway-- that would be for him to decide.
0 Replies
 
newstep
 
  1  
Reply Fri 18 Jul, 2014 08:49 am
@ehBeth,
Trust can be built again in some instances. Many marriages have endured hardship and overcame.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Fri 18 Jul, 2014 08:52 am
@CoastalRat,
CoastalRat wrote:
Why do you keep changing the story? I know this is upsetting, but each time I give a suggestion, you change things.


and the OP is doing the same thing in response to my comments.

If I didn't think this whole thing was fishy in the original post, I definitely do now.

ciao bella
 

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