have feelings for a profesor since 3 years, advice needed

Yes there is. Students who obsess sometimes do seemingly desperate things to get attention, and sometimes genuinely desperate ones. This is fair sized problem in colleges and universities.

Many of us have gotten intellectual and philosophical and physical crushes on a teacher, that is part of the situation in a well run university where student teacher ratio is reasonable.

I think you, Questions, see yourself as more mature than possible people you could date among your peers, and seek acknowledgement for who you are growing to understand yourself to be from this professor you admire.

When I was in university at about nineteen, I had no clue of the larger student body and its complexity - I had gone to a girls' high school, my senior class having 90 of us. I too was an island. Although, in my case, the island sort of broke down, and I feel lucky for that.

Not everyone your own age is a dolt. Trust me. I think fear is a factor in your isolation and attraction, though I don't presume to just know that... I think I recognize some of my old self in your posts - but, beg pardon, I don't mean to assume so.
I am not so interested in the matter of law, as in to help you.

Sorry but am confuse, you guys make it like am crazy, obsess and fear, fear of what? I grew up in a normal house with a normal family, I graduate high school with a 4.0 get a 3.7 GPA in college. I have lots of friends in school. We go out alot and have fun, what is there to fear? Are you all saying that I like a man that is my Professor make me obsess and fear? Fear what? Is there like a law say that I have to fall for a guy that is my age? No way, feelings is feelings, your heart not gonna say, it has to be someone that in your age area for you to love.
Yes, I agree that some student can go do crazy things to the teacher that they have a crush on. But honestly, I think I can control myself. if I can do it 3 years, my last year ofcourse I can control myself or else I would done something crazy already. Even though if I purposely go to his office to see him, I don't see anything wrong, I know this man for 3 years, it absolutely normal if I stop by to say hi to him or just have a normal talk. So what if I choose him out of all the other professor that teach my core class. If I don't take him to be my teacher for that class then it gonna be another professor anyways. That don't make me obssess, am just use to his way of teaching, sometimes you just prefer someone you know more then someone new to teach you.
Am sorry but this is really bias, it just the most people have this thinking on their mind that if a student like their professor then it wrong. I don't see anything wrong with that. So what if it like one way feelings, as long as I don't do anything harm or hurt him or his career then I still don't see how can I not like him. It not like there a law in US say that student not allow to have a crush on teacher, I mean obviously they can secretly, don't make it like the whole college going to know about it.
But hoestnly thank you for everyone advice, I really appreciated, I learn alot of different people in ways of their thinking, I knowtice everyone tend to have different opinion and aspect in life.
Thanks for reading all my post, hehehehe sorry for all this grammars error, am an engineer, we hardly do English or write essay, all we do is math, so yeah, my English is not that good. Am glad everyone understand what I wrote. Thanks for all your time and input.

Go out with a guy who's 92 if you like. It's not about the age difference. It's about the imbalance in power. And it is often also about the law.

Doctors who date their patients will lose their professional licenses. Professors who date their students will be seen as trading sex for grades. The professor is fired and the student is expelled. Lawyers who date their clients can be disciplined and perhaps disbarred. Bosses who date their employees are seen as trading sex for promotions or raises. The boss is subject to sexual harrassment laws and can pay fines or even go to jail. The employee, even if he or she keeps his or her job, will very likely not get another one. No one wants to hire someone who is seen as exploiting personal relationships for commercial gain. And, other employees will be uncomfortable, and may sue under sexual harrassment laws if they can show that there is a climate of sex for promotions and raises.

That is what is wrong with it. The question about gay sex is completely unrelated. People are against or for gay relationships for other reasons. But the question about having a relationship between any of the people I have outlined above, is subject to very strictly and well-defined laws.

Yes, you're over 18, you're not related. Yes, that's all true. But if you or anyone in your position wants to be in a relationship with someone in this kind of a situation, you must end the professional or educational relationship or potentially be subject to the law.

jespah, I am not saying that many of issues you are mentioning are not correct and I agree that possible options of using such situations for bad reasons are numerous.
However, I still believe that deep in roots, those laws (when it's about real laws) are actually direct violation of basic human rights. And also offense of someone's dignity, sometimes certainly without ANY arguments. What if two people are really in love. What if boss (let's say unmarried) really falls in love with his employee (also unmarried)? And there is absolutely no proof of any unfair promotions or raises or different behaviour or relations inside office in boss-employee contacts.
It's one thing to have those rules in law practice, where you can simply suggest another lawyer, and another thing is in many other professions.

I am sure that professor that is strictly objective with all his students and is fired because of relationship with student would, with good lawyers, got large amount of money on court and would come back to his job. No, I am not sure actually. I am sure that is what it should be - because, once again, if we are not talking about sexual affair but real relationship, then it's violation of basic human rights. IF there is ANY evidence of unfair treatment of other students (like in all other cases, someone does not have to be in relationship and still can be nice and sweet and generous to students he like and rude and harsh with those he does not like) then it's another story.
But, without that, it's just direct violation of basic human rights

What I would argue, if representing the school, would be that the student could transfer to another class or school, and that the participants could and should wait until after the professor-student relationship was concluded. Unless someone is about to keel over, the fact is, waiting is an option for everyone. Even for those in love.

It ain't about basic human rights; it's about the tenure contract between the school and the professor. If the school says, "no relationships between students and teachers", then that's that, and no, the professor has no leg to stand on in court. The contract is signed and the no relationships clause is a condition of continued employment. The remedy for the participants is to wait for the teacher-student relationship to conclude (graduation, dropping out, end of the class, transfer to another school or class, or the teacher quits or retires) before proceeding with an intimate relationship. While sex may not necessarily go on, and there may not necessarily be a trade of grades for sex, the school is under an obligation to assure to its students that they are treated fairly and that the reason(s) for their grades are based on standard grade measurements such as exams, homework, attendance, class participation and lab work, not on whether they are favored by the teacher. Even in the absence of an actual relationship, if a teacher were giving better grades to his or her preferred student(s), that teacher would also be subject to censure.

I understand your points and, once again, I am not saying that it's nonsense.
I think that problem is that some of things you are mentioning are not possible always, and are even not fair to be asked always. Not all students can easily transfer to another school, and if we agree that professor-student relations can be solved by simply waiting, it is impossible in boss-employee case. And in some cases it's possible that employee can be transfered to another company or to another position without being degraded, but sometimes it's not possible.
I especially don't agree with that rule in doctor-patient relations - if we reverse that does that mean that world's best cardio-surgeon (I am not sure if that's the right word but I believe you will understand) is not allowed to perform surgery on his wife?

I also agree with you about how it should be with unfair professors, but I kinda think that most of the colleges will immidiately fire excellent and fair professor if he is in relationship with student (without any advice of any unfair grades) and at the same time give full protection to professor that is following college's "moral rules" but does not have equal standards for all students (of course, if he keeps that on certain level)

Well, like I said, the school should fire any prof who's handing out grades for any reason other than schoolwork. If a professor were handing out grades for favoritism, there would be quite a scandal here in the US. Such a professor would not keep his or her job for long - even if the school were unlikely to fire that prof, there would be community pressure, and the prof would be gone soon enough.

As for the surgeon and his wife, this is a whole other matter. What I am talking about (and, more importantly, what the law is talking about) is people taking advantage of overly intimate commercial relationships in order to score dates. The reason for this is - if my doctor makes advances to me, he or she is doing this, at least in part, based upon vulnerabilities and intimacies that I have shared with him or her, due to our doctor-patient relationship. If a doctor seeks a date with me because (for example), he or she knew I was depressed, or questioning my sexuality, or unhappy in my marriage, or whatever, that is an unfair (and, more importantly, illegal) use of a shared confidence. I don't share these kinds of things with a doctor in order to be hit on; I share these kinds of things in order to get proper medical treatment.

For a preexisting relationship, of course the cardio surgeon is free to operate on his wife, although that is almost always a lousy idea, as the emotional impact of potentially messing up can destroy many a surgeon's confidence. As a lawyer, there is nothing unethical about my representing my husband if the need arises, although I cannot under the Code of Professional Responsibility prepare his will, as I am the primary beneficiary. But these are apples and oranges. Intimate relationships are not allowed to arise from these kinds of commercial relationships, due to the high potential for abuse of confidences.

Are you guys saying that if a student and teacher can have a relationship when (graduation, dropping out, end of the class, transfer to another school or class, or the teacher quits or retires)
then it not agaisnt the school law anymore?

I have a friend, well, close friend of my ex-husband more than I, but still a friend, who married a student of his of much younger age. Yes, they waited. And the student was easily an A student anyway.
I can't report that the marriage is happy in this case, although he is very much better off financially for the marriage. I know I've heard of scientists who have married their students and worked together... (talk about claustrophobic) though I don't remember their names right now. Usually it is the male scientist with the female student that you hear about.

Not to mock, as I think good relationships can occur too... but what I was describing re the male scientists and female students seems to me a sort of handmaiden to the lord phenomenon, which would be a difficulty for a woman who was serious enough to get to that status in the first place, a kind of selfabnegation. I am sure this gets complicated as the handmaiden sees the flaw in the experiment and saves the lord's reputation, etc.

My now older self sees that many fellows in accademia, and elsewhere, don't want challenges on their work view in the home front. It isn't restful. They prefer plain old comfort.
Excuse me, that was a tangential statement... and of course, a few accademic males do like melding minds, I say as I try to remember any. The interesting marriages (to me) that I remember were with peers, more or less, in achievement, not competing, but supporting, usually in different fields of interest.

My larger question is of the potential distress you will have in dealing with a relationship you have built up in your mind not working out.

What people in my area would say to you is, get a life. A relationship isn't about adoring someone, or if it is, in the "I can't have him, I can't possess him" stages.... it isn't actually a relationship. Real relationships pass through those stages to a more mature love, or wither. Ironically much of the piquance of romance is dependent on the not-being-able-to-attain-his-love feature. No, not all, thank goodness.

Why you guys assume too much, making it so hard on me. Where did I type that I want my professor? Quote me, for this whole conservation, all I talk about is my one way feelings and the law in the U.S about student-teacher relationship. I NEVER say I want my professor or have any intention to do anything to harm him. Yeah, so what if I like the man, yeah I like him and I want him to be happy, I would never risk a change to get him fire or a chance of anything slip out of my mouth so others students in the class can talk rumors about me have a crush on my professor. If I can deal with this for 3 years, am sure I can make it through my last year, and no, am not desperate neither, cuze I have not done anything consider out of hand when am around my professor, I don't think liking someone is a crime? isn't it?
back to my question: Are you guys saying that if a student and teacher can have a relationship when (graduation, dropping out, end of the class, transfer to another school or class, or the teacher quits or retires)
then it not agaisnt the school law anymore?
This is a question, am NOT imply it on my professor or me, cuze there nothing to imply, he don't like me, I make my point clear enough. I just wonder even if a student graduate or the professor is retire, the student was his pupil before and he can still continue to practice his teaching after he retire, so isn't that still consider wrong to be together? That is all I ask, YES, I know that you guys call me obsess, so what if I am, as long as I don't hurt the people around me, I don't see why can I like my professor, that all.

You are welcome to like your professor.

But
"Where did I type that I want my professor?"
- in the title of the topic, questions.

I told you about a friend that married a student, dating her officially after he wasn't her teacher, and this it is not a very happy marriage. It is true that this is just one example of people. I commented more about people but you don't seem to have read it, or perhaps are not able to understand what I said at this time.

The so what if I am obsessed question is understood here, we are not hollow people.

Most of us don't think you should keep going there, those are our opinions. It will only hurt you and keep you from real life, and even, as I mentioned earlier re fear, be an escape from it.
I don't speak to be mean, I kind of understand how you feel.

No, my tittle is Have feelings for a professor since 3 years, that do not mean I want him. Yeah, I admit that I like him, but I SHOW NO intention that I want him in front of him or to anyone that in my school. Am not hurting the school or the class or effect my study, like I said above, if I have a choice to choose between 2 professor that teach my Engineer core class, I would choose the professor I have a crush on, easy as that because am used to be around him and I know him for 3 years, I feel more confortable around him so I don't see why do I have to choose the other professor, I see no harm of taken the class of the man you like, I am not wasting time, that class I still needed for my major.
And no, the tittle say I have feelings for him, but it different. I can have all kinds of feelings for him, but I never show it to him. If I am so social and big mouth, I would go to a psychologist or ask for advice around my college instead of going online and asking advice over the computer. HONESTLY, why do you guys keep saying that I want him, it NOT, HE NEVER LIKE ME, even though IF he did, I say IF OK, don't say that I want him, am giving an example, I SAY IF, if he ever did, I still wouldn't step into a relationship with him. Why? because like you say, love someone is too see them happy and want the BEST for them. I would never went into a relationship with him to get him into trouble with school or get fire. I can risk my college to kick me out, but that don't mean I want him to risk his career. That is just an EXAMPLE. Am not implying anything, please don't assume.
Honestly, I don't see anything wrong with like someone one way, yeah you guys can call me hard head. But as long as my feelings don't effect the surrounding or cause anyone trouble, then I think am welcome to have feelings for him, it not a crime when you like someone, it not like my heart specific say to my face, not to like your professor.
And no, I don't dream neither, I never did, I am going to be an engineer, I think I take enough Critical thiking class enough in order to know what is reality or not. If am in here typing that "He likes me" then am dreaming, but I even FACE the true, I ADMIT that he never like me and he never will. If I can except that fact for 3 years, I don't think am obsess. And plus going to a psychology over this, I don't think is a good ideas, I don't want the school going to be bugging me on this. I rather keep it to myself.
You guys keep saying that go date and have fun, I don't want too, am not social, I don't date for fun, unless I truely have feelings for that guy then I date. To this point, I cannot except anyone else. Am going to graduate this year, after this year I never see him again. Maybe this feelings will stop once I never see the man again. And I never type that this is a relationship, quote me if you see anywhere I say this is a relationship. I just say I have feelings for the man, I don't think it a crime, and no, am not going to force myself to forget him neither, it going to make me remember him more. I just want to let this go natural, like it has been for the past 3 years, if it last, it last, if it gone, then it gone.

I think that if a good person was attracted to you today, for just how you are, you wouldn't be paying attention, with your every thought organized in the direction of the professor.

I am sorry I can't fix that for you, to nudge you into seeing others who would love you.

why are you so obssesed with not allowing possibility that you might be slightly obssesed question?

Being obssesive is wide term - it does not have to mean that you are lunatic that is stalking someone and will try to kill his wife.
For me, slight obssesion is being in love or "having feelings" for 3 years for someone that does not like you AND because of that rejecting all other guys on planet.
After all, if you don't think any of this is problem, why you posted it at first place?

Denial ain't just a river....

It's probably not against school rules if a relationship develops after the student leaves the school. I say probably, not definitely; you'd have to check with your school.

Have you entertained the possibility that this guy is married? Is he? Do you know? He may have not told you, or you may not have asked, or he may have been keeping it from you. Weirder things have happened. A lot of middle-aged men are flattered by attention (even wholly innocent attention) from young girls, and don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. Even if a man doesn't wear a ring or talk about a spouse, it doesn't mean he isn't committed. If there is a wife, how do you think she would feel about you? Would that bother you at all? Or, perhaps he has a male partner. Again, stranger things have happened, and this man is certainly under no obligation to tell you, or even to tell you the whole truth if you ask.

questions, if everything is as wonderfully innocent and pure as you claim, why the heck did you ask this question in the first place? For a sociological treatise? I hardly think so, and now you are asking about hooking up after graduation. That scarcely seems anything but obsessive. After all, why would you hang around for yet another year, waiting for this unattainable fellow? Hey, why not double up on classes and graduate early? Then you can be with him even more quickly!

I'm sorry if that's mean, but you've got to step back and see what you look like here. You ask about feelings for your professor, feelings that you've had for a significant length of time, and then you claim that it's no big deal. You tell us that you are turning down other men, but then you also say that you're not obsessed with this guy, even as you tell us that you always choose classes with him, if there is a choice. If you weren't obsessed, he would not be such a factor in your life. You would be able to take classes with other professors. You would go out with guys, even if it wasn't serious, because it would be no big deal with reference to your professor. But you don't take classes with others, if that's possible, and you don't go out with other guys. If this were a friend of yours, going through the same kinds of things and experiencing the same kinds of things, wouldn't you say she was obsessing? Even a little bit?

questions, on a practical note, if you have any hopes for getting recommendations from your professors, for either work or grad school, you will likely get the best recommendation from any prof who you've taken the most classes with. That means this guy - and if a relationship ensues, you can kiss that recommendation good-bye. If your fellow has ethics, he won't write the recommendation, and even if he does write it, if it gets into the engineering community (not a very large community) that you are using a lover's recommendation for a job search or a grad school application, you can say good-bye to those things as well. I do not speak idly here; people such as you who are new in the world of work and have very little employment experience tend to depend rather heavily upon recommendations from academics. You could easily be making it a lot tougher for you to get your career started. Economic times are not good these days, even for someone with your fabulous grades - why make it harder on yourself? A love affair could come and go, but you need to be able to support yourself.

No one means to upset you, and I'm sorry if any of us have. But we have suggested counseling and you have rejected that suggestion out of hand. We have told you many ways why this would not work, or why it would be difficult, yet you persist. It's all we can do from here.

You guys are putting words in my mouth here, where did I ever type that once I graduate am going to be with him. How many times I need to make this clear, that it never will happen, because he never likes me, never was, never is and never will. It just a typical question I ask on the law about teacher-student relationship. Why does everything think that am imply it on my situation.
And no, am not going to ask him about his martial status. I don't care if he has like four wives, kids, grandkids, or gay, what ever. As a student, I am not going to ask his personal life question because it disrespectful.
Am sorry too if I make everyone here feel awkward, ofcourse when in a debate or arguments, it natural for each people to defend their side and proof they right. But truely, I want to say thank you for you guys to help me out. This is just online, you guys don't even have to spend time to reply to my questions but you guys did, I really appreciate it. Thanks alot.
And am 21, I think am old enough to choose how to live my life. What I choose will effect me later on and the one suffer is me, as long as I don't let it bother the surrounding or any other people then I still don't see why I need to change.

Sorry to come back, but I have a little problem want to ask you guys. Should I confront this to him? It been bugging me, I was going to ignore this but it getting worst so I have to come back and ask you guys opinion.
In my previous post, I posted that I have a crush on my professor for the past 3 years. For sure I know that he don't like me, but for the past couple weeks, it seem getting weird.
He seem to ignore me, I don't think he would knowtice that I like him because in front of him, I treat him like my father, with alot of respect cuze he is much older then me, I rarely talk and not making problems in his class, but just somehow he try to avoid me. I want to confront this to his face and ask him what going on? But I don't even know how to start a conservation.

He may be uncomfortable because he senses your feelings for him, and wants to distance himself from you. Don't confront him. Just let it go.

You said in one of your earliest posts:



It's gotten out of hand. He has figured out that you are going to his office not because you have a class question but because you want to see him. That you keep taking his classes on purpose, because you want to be around him. And that is making him uncomfortable.

He is not an equal, he has no obligation to you socially, and as long as he is doing the minimum necessary as a professor -- grading your papers fairly, answering your legitimate questions -- there are no grounds on which to confront him. Take the very strong hints he is giving with his behavior, and back off. Let it go.