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Is it possible to connect when you meet through e-mail?

 
 
Gala
 
Reply Sun 25 Apr, 2004 03:22 pm
Ok, I'll to keep keep this short. A mutual friend introduced me to a man who lives far away, so we have been corresponding by e-mail. The dialogue began in February when he contacted me. To my surprise we have had a steady correspondence since then.

I'm finding the distance (about a 9 hour drive) to be a diffiicult. We haven't met yet, although we've talked on the phone a couple of times. But, the whole thing is soooo slow... and I'm hestitant to push it, cause, in my experience, men like to feel they are the ones to make the overatures. It's making me a little nutty.

Here is an example. A few weeks ago, I suggested we plan to talk on a specific night, a friday, because it was the end of the work week, etc. he writes back and is non-commital, not rude, just vague, saying he couldn't talk on that night. He did not suggest an alternate night. So, I decided to simply not respond to him, which in my mind was totally transparent. i figured if he wasn't iinterested, then why push it?

Well, he ended up calling on that Saturday. It was pleassant, but, what bugs me about this is it's a game. I mean, by my backing off, he gets interested. I feel this doesn't bode well for my sanity. Because, if I so much as suggest a meeting, who knows what line I'll be crossing with thss person I don't know...jeez, I know from experience that a long-distance relationship with a boyfriend was tough, but h***, I've never meet this guy and it's taxing...
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Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 4,708 • Replies: 112
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doglover
 
  1  
Reply Sun 25 Apr, 2004 03:30 pm
Have you guys exchanged photos via email? Do you each have a webcam? If not, try the webcam thing first and see how he responds. I wouldn't sit back too long being taxed by this stress. If you really like him and there's chemistry there, go for it...tell him what you want. Some men are hesitant to make bold moves and would appreciate a woman taking charge.
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Gala
 
  1  
Reply Sun 25 Apr, 2004 06:48 pm
Hi Doglover,

Thanks for responding. Pictures have been exchanged. As a matter of fact, I made sure to send one immediatly so as to get that pesky hurdle of "how you look" out of the way.

As for webcam's neither one of us has one.

I'll tell you, I really want to tell him what I want, but men are weird about that... I don't know him at all, and a little voice in my head is saying "not yet". You know whaat I mean, doglover? Some men are just so weird about a woman being assertive... the whole thing is kind of disheartening...
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msolga
 
  1  
Reply Sun 25 Apr, 2004 06:51 pm
Please excuse this Luddite question, but could someone please tell me how/why a web cam is used in these situations? I'm simply curious & obviously way out of touch on these developments.
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doglover
 
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Reply Sun 25 Apr, 2004 09:44 pm
msolga wrote:
Please excuse this Luddite question, but could someone please tell me how/why a web cam is used in these situations? I'm simply curious & obviously way out of touch on these developments.


Using a web cam is more intimate (for lack of a better word) way to communicate with someone, short of being face to face in the same room. Unlike a picture, you can gauge a persons facial expressions to things that are being said, and the conversation is made more personal.

Gala, have you considered getting a cam? They are inexpensive...only $30.00 or so for a good one with a microphone. Would you consider asking him to get one as well? Would you consider suggesting cam's too assertive?

I would never get involved with a man who didn't like a woman being 'too assertive'. I think that could mean trouble down the road with a guy like that. This isn't the 1950-60's anymore!

Also, if you guys have been communicating for a few months, you must know him pretty well. By now, you should feel free to speak whatever is on your mind. Speak up woman! It cracks me up when you see women on TV say they won't speak up and tell their man what they want him to do to them in the bedroom, so they suffer in silence. Speak up Gala...you have nothing to lose, right? Don't play games...tell him what you want and what you need! If he gets pissed, he wasn't worth having anyway, right?
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panzade
 
  1  
Reply Sun 25 Apr, 2004 10:13 pm
Hmmm..I think he might be married or in a monog. relationship. My experience of on line dating leads me to recommend "nice and easy". Take a year to get to know him...worked for me.
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msolga
 
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Reply Mon 26 Apr, 2004 05:19 am
Thanks, doglover
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Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 Apr, 2004 05:32 am
Gala--

You want to make some suggestions.

You're worried that if you make these suggestions he'll be turned off.

Why do you want a man who may be turned off by your suggestions?

Is he worth changing yourself for?
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Gala
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 Apr, 2004 10:09 am
ok, thank you all for your responses. panzade, i do agree with you about taking it slowly... one of the dangers, to me, anyway, of this internet thing is you can build up a false sense of intimacy.

doglover and noddy, you are cracking me up, i agree with you guys %100, and this is exactly what i would tell someone if they posed the same dilemma: "why would you want to hang around someone with whom you cannot be yourself"?

i am going to compose and send to him a letter, and i will keep you all posted. thanks for taking the time to write- gala
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Setanta
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 Apr, 2004 10:22 am
Gala, i cannot speak to the issue of whether or not you should trust this individual--you alone will be best able to judge that. I did want to tell you, however, that my Sweetiepie and i met on-line almost four years ago now. I live in Ohio, and she lives in Ontario. In December, 2000, i drove to her house. It would have been a nine hour drive, were it not so easy and tempting to exceed the speed limit once you get into Canada. We've been together ever since.

If you think this person is the one for you, and if you take ordinary precautions about meeting in person for the first time, and continue to think this is the person with whom you want a relationship--then the distance will matter much less than you might think.
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Gala
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 Apr, 2004 05:27 pm
oh, setana, i love your story, thanks. i guess what's hair-raising is it's getting to the point where we really need to meet to determine this. i'm going to be the one who is gong to give it a little push in that direction. as for precautions, i agree with you completely...
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ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 Apr, 2004 05:49 pm
I pushed. After spending 5, 6 and 7 hours online some evenings - and spending about 3 hours on the phone the first time we talked - and having to call him the next morning before I went to work - it was definitely a we have to meet and figure this out situation - and I told Setanta so.

Let him know what you think.
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Gala
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 Apr, 2004 05:55 pm
ebeth, you are a hoot! thanks. so it's you and setana who are the item? i love it. such a good story. how often do you see one another?
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Gala
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 Apr, 2004 05:57 pm
ebeth, i think it sounds great, i really do, i love when love works out...
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ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 Apr, 2004 06:00 pm
hmmmm
we're an item (hehehehehe - i wonder what department you'd scan us in), but not necessarily THE item :wink:
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Gala
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 Apr, 2004 06:04 pm
ebeth, an Item nonetheless...
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justoneofthegals
 
  1  
Reply Fri 30 Apr, 2004 10:13 am
Hi Gala,
I had a bad experience with such a friend. email and chat can be great ways to forget yourself and be what u aspire to be, and just have fun!! that is, before u get attached!
anyways, i met this guy through the internet and chatted with him on and off for over a year... it was only after i went to the place he lived in and met him that i got to know that he had lied about his age (he was not 29 but 40), he was married and divorced, and had a daughter!! (all news to me!)... but by then i was already attached and initially it was easy to forgive everything, till i realized what a bum he was!! and u know what? i got to know that i wasnt the only one...
so please be careful of such jerks.
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JoanneDorel
 
  1  
Reply Fri 30 Apr, 2004 10:17 am
My internet connections with people, except for friends at A2k gatherings, have all turned out to be awful experiences. But that might be my fault or at least half my fault.

Although I do know of some successful relationships that have been attributed to the net.
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Gala
 
  1  
Reply Fri 30 Apr, 2004 05:08 pm
justone, ooo, thanks. geez, i guess i've reached a point of wariness, but am still olding out on a sliver, a sliver i say of hope.

although my last relationship, sadly, ended, at the very least i have a barometer for what clicks and what doesn't. and it does not bode well for this situation that i have low-level feelings of annoyance...especially considering the beginning of a relationhip is supposed to be the best time, laying the groundwork of trust and caring that gets you through the difficult times. thanks for writing, i appreciate it.

i give you a lot of credit for trying with that guy, i mean, where would any of us be if we didn't hold out on hope?

all we can do is try, assess the situation, and in realizing it isn't working, we move on...
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Gala
 
  1  
Reply Fri 30 Apr, 2004 05:17 pm
hi joanne, art queen. your fault? or half your fault? not so sure of that. i would attribute it the reality that we simply are NOT one size fits all. chemistry counts for most of it, and a fit is a fit.

one of my concerns in the situation i'm currently in is that this guy is just too much of an alpha male. i'm much more attracted to men who are a little bit shy, bookish, reflective.
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