What causes people to change after marriage?

Would you mind elaborating just a little?

People don't always change. Sometimes we don't "see" at the beginning or there is a false pretence after all, someone is courting someone.

People also get lazy after the courting stage and don't put effort in..

I'd like to read more of what you feel is happening to be able to offer a form of reply to you.

We didnt jump into marriage . I thought i knew exactly what i was getting into, we did everything together she was into most of the same hobbies and we shared alot of the same views on what we wanted in life . After the wedding it seemed to change tho, it seems to me as though even after she says she doesnt care about how others live or what they think that in her eyes what makes her a good wife is what can be seen from outside looking in at our relationship . Example, she cooks big meals for dinner 95% of the time and our home is spotless all the time , she litterally never stops for a second ! But keeping thi routine makes her a raging ball of stress everyday. So everyday shes in a bad mood and short tempered . I always help her at home and remind her how much i appreciate all she does but it goes disregarded , in fact i've stayed up and while shes at work done 90% of her to do list but when she got home she didnt relax at all she got stressed and found just that much more to fill up her time . Its kinda like as long as people see a perfect house a perfect yard a perfect meal , laundry always caught up , and her manage to keep herself looking great at all times then it doesnt matter what goes on behind closed doors ! We never have sex show very little affection shes lets all sorts of very little inconveniences ruin her day . And BTW: im 30 and she is 28 ?

After being together 10yrs total she still has so little self confidence in her looks that im not allowed to enter a room if she is changing and if i do my mistake she covers up and gets mad at me for barging in ? Shes very judgemental about all our friends and aside from the wives of my buddies she has no friends of her own . She can be a total bitch all day and if a couple stops over to say hi she purs on this super happy routine but when they leave she jumps my case because they stopped by unexpectedly ! Its just constant ??

Ok.

So, she has exchanged her hobbies for being a "wife"? In other words do those hobbies exists still? The views on what you wanted together out of life, are they still attainable, a dream, a goal?

Sexless marriages end up in resentment. There is no bonding, it's all chores. I think that she had a set idea of what marriage was.. And is trying to maintain that but has no "life" and no "sex life" and so it is meaningless to her does that make sense?

So apart from "helping her" she works? You need date nights, she, in my opinion has gotten out of the honey moon stage and full steam ahead on maybe what her Mother did, or what she believes a wife is meant to do but along the line lost the relationship.

Or honestly.. You have fallen into the friendship zone, she doesn't idolize you or feel worthy.. And, so acts purely as a housewife and is not happy.

Do you date? Do you tell her she looks beautiful, do you two laugh, catch up with friends, get out...

We get out when my goup of friends make plans and i push for us to go , I compliment her daily on her looks and always tell her thanks for everything she does but she still says i dont compliment her enough i have just always thought she was unsatisfiable in that dept. i do all my own laundry, yard work, maint. On cars and pick up after myself ? Its not like i put all the work on her ? She says she does it for herself because she enjoys it but when i say if you ebjoy it so much why do you let it ruin your day ? At that she usually flys off the handle and gets mad at me . I make nice suttle coments about sex and i get no where ? If i send her a sexual text mesg or make a coment during a phone call to her she just disregards it or laughs an says im crazy ? But truth be told im bored , lonely and feeling old in this deal and am starting to become resentful ! I dont want to continue down this path .

Red...

She sounds as if she doesn't appreciate comments, or your help.

I just want to ask, what was your relationship like BEFORE you got married including your sex life.

Has she made you feel in-secure, it sounds it.. There is something you are not saying.

Does she want sexual text messages or one of love? IDK you do.

Bored means you don't appreciate her, even though you say ou do.

Lonely spells bonding and there is none.

Do you want to continue down this path? Hell no but first take responsibility for what maybe you are not contributing it's not about helping around the house.

But I get that she is not helping anywhere, not in getting out, not in accepting your text messages.

Really though what was it like before marriage.

Maybe that may help people in replying.

The text mesg's are just any attempt to get a rise out of her , she has always been alittle strong minded , and self consious lacking self esteem . I have tried continuously to help boost both for her but she has a side to her that needs a certain comfort zone ? She would rather remain wrong or doing something the hard way rather than change if she doesnt know what that change is . If that makes any sense? But she was out going and fun . She would relax and laugh and at least acted like she enjoyed life . I do appreciate her but im so tired of feeling like im being held back by her and honestly with all my efforts and no results im starting to just give up on it ? There is so much i would like to go do and im a happy go lucky person that is brought down daily by her ranting, stressfull , bad mood .

Red, if you will, this in the now.. Can you talk about before you got married?

Sometimes the "word" changes someone and I'm trying to determine where you guys were at before you got married to answer.

Before marriage, we had a few bumpy roads but were always able to come to a agreement and they were just differences in opinions nothing really serious i dont think . We always have struggled with good comunication i always want to know whats bothering her and push to tslk about it so we can figure it out and she takes the keep it all inside till u just let it go approach ? From the day we met i've always thought she has built a wall up to hide and protect her feelings but i never dreamed after a decade it would still be there , she was alot more easy going ( still like te now lived out of a weekly planner). Never spontanious at all but keeping to a schedule isnt always bad , Sex was 100% more frequent and she was alot more adventurous or confident back then . She works full time now at the same place she did when we met , theres alot of little things but thats to prob be expected along the way but 3 major issues i see now from back then are 1. Little to no communication 2. Lack of sex and no improvement in confidence. 3. Daily glass always 1/2 empty , pissed off and stressed out attitude . Its like shes at her limit 24/7. And every little thing (some of which are so small and have no affect on her at all she need not even worry about them) just push her over edge and she slams doors , cusses dogs , and bites at me as a result ?

No, no, no, no! Start taking her out on dates. Not with your group of friends. Ask her out, like you used to do. I don't know what your work schedules are, but be waiting for her when she gets home and surprise her by taking her out to dinner. Take one night a week to go out together, just the two of you. See a movie. Take a walk in a park. Fix a picnic dinner and relax on these nice summer evenings. Just make it a regular date night. I'm betting it would help.

What was her parent's marriage like?

Sometimes people can't help but pattern themselves after what the experienced growing up. Was her mother a "superior" housekeeper? If not, was her father overly critical of his wife/children?

What changed is that she got married. She has a vision of what that means. That vision came from somewhere. Where?

I'm guessing she never imagined (or heard) her parents having sex. If sex was a taboo subject in her household growing up then it's likely to become taboo in her household too.

She sounds like a certain type, I know a few of them, who actually really need significant solitude/ downtime. If they have enough of that, then they can be relaxed and social the rest of the time. But only if.

I agree with CoastalRat that some sort of date time is important, but also does she do anything completely on her own?

I'd even venture (this is pure speculation though) that the cleaning might be her way of carving some time out for herself, even though it's difficult and stressful. That could explain the apparently contradictory messages she's giving you. (As in, she doesn't actually enjoy cleaning that much, but it's the way she's found to have some time to herself, and she needs that.)

If you helped with the cleaning and she used some of that time to do something on her own, that might help get her into a better mindset.

Her mother is the dictionary description of a self absorbed , unpleasable pain in the ass ! But for years leading up to our marrisge she didnt have alot good to say about her mom , and repeatedly said it was her top priority to never be like her ? But yes we were raised on opposite sides of the spectrum for sure ! 3 step dads all who became worthless to her mom but also each had more money than the last as well . She still bitches everytime we talk to her but unlike my wife she is to confident with herself to the point of compitition with her daughter (my wife) from who has the nicest home to fashion ? It has crossed my mind that maybe she was turning into her mom !! God i hope im wrong ?

She doesn't have to, but she likely will unless she chooses to see the pattern and work to prevent it. You can express your unhappiness - basically tell her what you told us in your opening post. Tell her you want to go back to the relationship you had before you got married. Then, as others have said, start dating again.

Repeating patterns of our upbringing are natural, but also preventable. It has to come from her though. She'll have to be willing to see the pattern and want to make some changes.

This seems odd to me - because everyone changes - whether they are married or not to some degree. You change as a result of your experiences. Think back to prior to being married. Think back to say 20 and then when you were 26 - I bet you were not the same person at 20 as you were at 26...

I think the thing is - a good marriage couples tend to change together and/or accept the change. Hopefully though the changes are positive towards your relationship.

Like other said - you need to be more specific - how have you changed? I bet you have changed too - how does your spouse like your changes?

Do you work? Have a job? Just, the way I read the above sounds as if, she is working full time in the same job she commenced years ago, has a to do list, is OCD perhaps, so has to have everything perfect, be perfect, possibly because her Mother from what you are stating was too busy marrying one guy after another who had more money each time and perhaps didn't have time for her (your wife).. And, perhaps, she feels over-whelmed in trying to (not) be like her mother, yet resentful because she is working full time and attending to the house full time as well and feels (if you are not working) or contributing more than once at 90% that she is just a money making machine as well as a cleaner therefore is not interested in sex with you and that's why she laughs...

OCD is real as well.

That could be a good insight there, Found Soul. OCD stands for obsessive compulsive disorder, and this is a problem that is quite treatable, at least from what I've read. It might be some cultural thing re expectations of what marriage means, but ocd makes more sense to me. Maybe it's both.

I work 40 to 50 hrs a week 3rd shift and she works 40 hrs 1st shift . I do at least 30% of housr work and 75% of yard work ? She never acts like she doesnt feel im pulling my weight , She just seems wound tight about to snap at all times like if you new her you would likely say to chill out ? I have changed and new we would as time went on , I am more level headed now than at 20 i used to get worked up and now i take things alittle more in stride but not to the point of acuallly slowing down on what i do . Just 10 yrs and more debt and bills forces me to be alot more preplanned with projects or anything else that cost money ? I know she struggles with this because if i say we will have to start saving up for something she would like to do around our house she gets frustrated and says forget it we will never be able to do it ? Like its now or never with everything she does ? We are not hurting financially but we cant run off and drop a few thousand at the drop of a hat but who can really ? I would say i really dont think ive changed alot just grew up but kept same foals and hobbies just more realistic about them .

OCD.. I have tried to suggest seeing her Dr. I told her she may be needing something to help balance her out ? That it wasnt normal for someone to be this mad at the world all the time . She blew up and said she didnt need to be medicated that she was fine ? That if she didnt have so much on her plate she might be in a better mood , but shes the one filling it even if i empty it for her she still fills it up again so kinda self induced if u ask me !