I recently discovered my boyfriend was having sex with men

Fascinating as this is, it boils down to he was NOT forthcoming until recently about his alternate lifestyle. Sexually he is not satisfied while ONLY being in a heterosexual relationship. His disclosure about having these affairs RECENTLY should be a red flag. He was, after all, cheating on you and having sex with men, right?

Also he has show a history of not being able to commit completely with a female partner. He may think that he wants to end up in a commited heterosexual relationship, but he may be deluding himself, you or both of you. It is more socially acceptable for him to think that way (not wanting a romantic relationship with an older man permanently). I think he's telling you (and himself) what you want to hear.

Lastly, aren't you concerned that he is not sure whether or not he was sexually abused?

I think he's experimenting at this point in his life. My question to you is why should you be part of his experimentation?

Thanks for responding ragman. I would like to answer your questions.
He was not forthcoming because until 2 months ago he had no alternate lifestyle. he was married and although thought about older men never went there. I dont understand why you said he had a history of not being able to commit completely to a female partner, he was married and faithful for 20 yrs. to a woman.I am concerned that he may be dellusional about who he truly is but a lot of people explore same sex (myself included at the age of 25) relationships (of any nature) as far as the concern over the abuse....I'm VERY concerned, and have urged him to go seek prefessional help to try and find out what might have happened. And lastly , I can't be part of this experiment (if thats really what it is) but I believe if you love someone you stand by them in good times and hard times, this is a man who cries because he can not understand his own need to fill this "void". How do you walk away from someone is is obviously hurting and trying to figure out who they are? He is a wonderful man. Kind, loving, funny and beautiful to boot. I waited a long time to find somone as special has he is. I will not let this part of him define all that he is. I simply wanted insight from anyone first hand or otherwise.

one question for you: why do you think he does not want to wind up in a committed relationship with a woman?

Okay, let me get the math straight here - you met your boyfriend 15 years ago and have had a relationship with him ever since and until 2 months ago he was still married?

Well, he certainly cheated on his wife (with you) and now he's cheating on you with someone else. The fact that it's a man instead of a woman is secondary here, primarily you should establish that he's a cheater and if you can live with that thought then you shouldn't really complain.

Whatever his sexual preference might be, he'll figure it out on his own,
I don't think it's necessary to seek professional help for this. Many man have come "out of the closet" despite being married for years and years. They probably didn't know themselves until they tried.

The concern that come to mind at once is possible stds with special note of your partner having placed you into one of the CDC high risk groups for HIV.

First stop having unprotected sex with this man at once and get a full screening for all possible stds.

Good luck...................

bossgirl, you need to provide more facts if you want answers.

Here, you are suggesting, he "left" his wife 2 months ago.. He was married, for many years, had no alternative life-style...Yet, you live with him, love his kids and him..

So are you suggesting you have been with him after dating, now living for only 8 weeks? And, he's the bees knees and he deserves your belief in what he is telling you in such a short time of being intimate?

I'm going to wait for your reply before posting my thoughts.

I gotta say I'm with Bill on this one. The first thing I thought of was possible exposure to STDs/you've now been dumped into a high risk group for HIV. Regardless of morality, sexuality, commitment, etc., AIDS is AIDS. Do get yourself checked and do start using condoms if you aren't already - and even then you do realize that you're not completely safe, yes? This is life roulette we are talking about here.

This seeking out sexual relationships with older men is fodder for therapy, but in any case, YOU need to realize that his is incapable of fidelity with you or anyone else. He has a history of this; it can't be denied.

If you are willing to live with that, then so be it (some people are)

But with this risky behavior, be sure that you are taking your own precautions.

I just wonder why you accept this kind of behavior. We are all fools for love, aren't we?

ok i feel maybe i didnt explain my situation correct. We did not start dating until he was separtated from his wife of 20 yrs. we did know each other for 15 yrs prior because i cut his hair but we had no relationship of a romantic kind in those yrs. He was faithful to his ex wife for 20 years. We have now been together for over 2 years and until 2 months ago he was faithful to me. Thank you all for the health concerns. I feel i am an intelligent person and aware of the dangers. I am taking precautions. What i was hoping to find here was some insight or feedback from anyone who might have been is might be going through a similar relationship. This man and i had and even through this recent development continue to have a strong and loving relationship. I'm hoping he works this out of his system ( is that possible???) I was once curious too but feel I want only to be in a relationship with a man. I know it IS possible for some of us. I was wondering how others might have handled this and if there is anything we can do to make it less painful until we find out for sure if this is just a curiousity or a real lifestyle for him. I welcome all comments and appreicate them.

thanks found soul. I did respond withthe facts clearer to Clamity Jane. Please feel free to jump in!

Firstly - I think that everyone is capable of accepting different things in life, including in the area of love & sexuality - so if you can tolerate him 'playing around with men', then that is for you to decide.

Secondly - I don't think many women will have gone through what you're going through. The vast majority would just dump & run (especially as he's virtually said he's not going to stop)

I'm also curious as to why you think it's just a recent thing? It is curious that he's told you...but did he just out & say it one day, or did you catch something suspicious from him?

He's not 'gay' by the way, he's bi. If he was gay, he mostly wouldn't be able to get it up for you / wouldn't enjoy having sex with you. So you ask about his lifestyle - it's a bi lifestyle. I would make any decision with that in mind, and what he's said, and is doing in mind.

Do you think he can respect you - knowing that you are letting him cheat on you? Knowing that it hurts you? And do you think he'll be able to stop himself, knowing that you've given him permission?

.


I'm curious as to how you found out about a month ago, yet he's been open about it. How did you find out.. And, when "caught" out, he told you in depth and suggests it could be because he was abused?
It's my understanding, that your significant other's present display of homosexual or bisexual feelings were there before he met you. And, it's obvious they were based on what he is telling you...These have been fantasies for a long time with alot of fascination.

They were simply repressed until now. Some men come out at 13, others at 30, or 50. Each circumstance is different

My thoughts here are. You have an open mind about it yourself. What you have to consider, is if you are prepared to be the main person in the relationship, however, there will always be others. Don't discount yourself, because the others are "men". There is no difference, it's still having sex with another person apart from you.

Yes, a bi-sexual male can in-deed live a life with a woman until he dies, and love her and have no further urge other than fantasy. But, it's when the fantasy turns in to reality in my opinion, that they are not ready for that committed relationship. (Having been divorced after 2o years), and if he is being honest with you, now, full-filling his fantasies. He really isn't ready to settle yet. Are you really prepared to stick around and wait for his love to become un-dying for you alone that he's prepared to keep it from there on as a fantasy?

He has stated "hopefully with you". You have stated, you too were a curious bi, at least in thoughts. I imagine he knows that, therefore, that you are open minded. So if that be the case, do you feel he is asking you to sit back, accept and wait? I do. Which means he is not sure either, how can he be? This fantasy he has made reality, he is with men and a woman...





But, you "found out" so, he didn't consult you first and ask if he can explore this.. He is explaining why he cheated.




Hopefully, is exactly that.



The only person that can confirm that, is him.. Biologists will state, "probably genes, or environment before the age of 5 but no one really knows. It is what it is.


.

You've answered your own question. If by saying that you "can't be part of [it]" you mean that you won't continue to have sexual relations with him then you're delegating yourself to a friendship role. Chances are high that he's had suppressed fantasies (or not suppressed, just fantasies) for decades. That he's acting on them now may or may not have anything to do with a mid-life crisis, but the fact remains that he's now engaging in sex with men. Will he stop? Who knows? There are no crystal balls here, but the white-haired gents will someday be his contemporaries not his elders.

Folks do all sorts of crazy-assed things when they're in crisis. Some get it out of their system and move forward on a more even keel, some don't. There's little question, however, that if he's enjoying these encounters (even if he's struggling to understand them) then he's likely to continue having them.

edit: I take back the "friendship only" part. You can continue on as his loving companion if you can accept that you don't/can't meet all of his needs.

For what it's worth...
I don't think you go from straight sex to bondage with older men in a two month span. There are, from where I'm standing a few steps missing. As are many things he's not telling you. Some women are cool with the arrangement, are you? Cause I don't think this is going to end anytime soon, just as I don't think this all started a mere two months ago. I'm sure the ex-wife could tell you a thing or two.

Billions of men on the planet that would not play the kinds of games with other males that by it very nature had placed her in an hiv risk group.

Why would any female be so needy that she would stay in such a relationship for a minute after finding out about his activities?

Billions of girls get pregnant every month, why would they not consider the options for Birth Control?

Like-wise, herpies can remain dormant for years and years. Do you leave your husband of 20 years because all of a sudden it surficed?

The question is not why should a woman stay, as she "might" be at risk of HIV, it's why would you stay, if you are being cheated on, for a fantasy to be acted out that has remained dormant.. Or, not so dormant, rather, "I'll tell you only half truths".

Herpes can be annoying and even painful it is not HIV/AID that even today a possible death sentence.

Now as far as a condition surfacing years later this man is doing ongoing behaviors that place not only his life but her life and health at greatly increase risk.

Beside my vows to be sexuality loyal to my wife there is also the moral question that if I cheated of placing my wife health at risk for a health damaging STD.

Second any cheating I would do would not place me or my wife in a CDC declare high HIV risk group unlike this case.

She would need to be very needy indeed not to drop such a man in one mill-second in my opinion.

So using Occam's Razor once more it is my opinion this story is likely nonsense.

Firstly, she is a grown woman who has already stated she understands protection, HIV, and consequences... Choice. Secondly are you suggesting that gay guys should be non-existent? They deserve to live and be happy like everyone else, I am sure they understand risks and also understand love... You are suggesting he doesn't wear a condom to start with, you don't know that. But I get what you are saying if they were not to worry about it, but again you don't know that.

Well let's assume you backtracked and you would do.. How do you know? So you would wear a condom to make you and your wife safe? Good for you... But, unlike this case? It's not a case... It's a situation and you again, do not know whether or not they use condoms, either of them, actually I think she gave a clue she is not clueless.

. Yes, your opinion.. What if she believes him, and her reasons are based on trust, belief, his openess, all-be-it, we believe that he has told her half truths and I think she is reflecting on that... It doesn't mean at all that she is needy... When in lust, / love, we can try to justify until we can't... Doesn't make us needy, that's nasty.

Gay men are fine.

Gay men with many sexual partners are stupid and looking for an early death and females who knowingly have sex with a gay male with many partners are beyond stupid and would need to be beyond needy to knowingly to have such a man in her life.

As I said with billions of straight males in the world the idea that a woman would entertain such a relationship is unlikely.

This is therefore likely a make up story.