I recently discovered my boyfriend was having sex with men

I am glad that you are taking precautions. It seems to me though that this man has not figured out who he is yet. By middle age, he needs to know who he is.

If it were me, I would cut him loose, and tell him that I would consider a relationship once he has been done with his experimenting and can commit to you alone.

At your stage of life, you don't need the kind of grief that comes with having this sort of relationship.

Precautions are fine however a thin shield of latex between you and possible hiv viruses is not a risk I would care to run and I had jump out of perfectly good aircrafts for fun.

Such condoms had been known not to stop sperms let alone a virus that is a million times smaller.

He know who he is as any man who seek out and take part in the kind of sex that was written about in this thread is mainly gay and is as unlikely to change as a straight male is likely in middle age to become gay.

Footnote the very off handed comment oh I am taking precautions by the author of this thread when the subject of hiv came up was one of the big red warning lights that this is not a for real posting.

I don't think it'slikely a made-up story. People have hidden fetishes all the time and this one has been found out. I also agree with someone who said the ex-wife probably knew and tolerated this for some time.

The issue is: what is she to do about it?

Unless this guy gets therapy and finds out why he seeks out older men to ravish him, he is going to continue, and probably escalate, his behavior. It all puts her at great physical risk AND will tear her up emotionally.

She's in for a living hell. But like I said, we can be fools for love.

I can see the man having hidden fetishes I can not see a woman saying well maybe he will outgrow it and I will in the mean time put up with both his cheating and placing my own health at high risk.



He is likely to continue period just as I am likely to continue seeking out and having straight sex as it is build into me.

Second it is against the American Psychiatric Association code for any of their members to even try to interfere with his sexual orientation so any understanding he might gain is unlikely to change his behaviors.

Thanks for your input vikorr. I always want to thank you for recognizing that most women would have walked away. He also realizes that and is extremely grateful I didn't. How I found out: I'm a pretty intuitive person. While cleaning I found a user name and password to what looked like it might belong to a dating sight. When I asked him he told me it was to a porn sight and it seemed possible. To further explain my B/F is very sexual as I am... We have sex at least once a day. I never griped about his love of porn. Time went on.. This part I am not proud of but my curiosity got the best of me and I read emails on his computer. At 1st I was relieved looking at the names , they were from men. Then I read further and realized what was really going on. I was shocked, hurt, confused, devastated. How could this Masculine alpha man be with men?! My background is: I have a gay brother and I had myself been in ( when I was 25, I'm now49) relationship with another woman. I sat and thought of how to approach him. When he returned from his workout at the gym, I sat him down and questioned him. He told me. I told him about my past ( woman relationship) he was as shocked as I was about him. In reading his emails and conversations with these men he confessed to them he had never been with another man and was experimenting. I believe this to be true. We talked and cried for a week straight. I asked if he thought he wanted to live the gay lifestyle and his answer was no and even after being with 3 different men ( which he does use condoms) still feels he will always give his heart and love to a woman. I believe that. This is a man who loves being with a woman .. loves the female body. He is not only interested in male on male would love to be with me and another woman . He has even talked about being with another couple. My point in writing this is he's all about exploring different sexual experiences. I am not closed off to some of his ideas but don't want it to consume our life. Lastly, he does respect me and tries to be discreet as possible. I care for him deeply. He is all the things I've looked for in a partner my whole adult life. I decided to ride this time out and see what happens. As long as we both stay honest about our feelings we have a chance.

Bill: 1st off HIV is not strictly a " gay disease" you can get it having heterosexual sex. So If you cheated on your wife and didn't know WHO the woman you cheated with had been the risk is just as high.
Secondly: I'm not needy. I am an attractive self supporting professional. I have a great capacity to love and understand not everyone is perfect. I was really looking for insight or possibly another person who might be in a similar boat. I was not interested in judgements.

because he obviously wants it more from men , then he does women

Well, there you go. As long as you're going into this with your eyes open, then that settles it. Good luck to you.

How so? We live together and share all aspects of our lives. He on occasion shares sex with a man.

It's not that simple as that because he lied (or omitted telling it) to you until you caught him with damning evidence.

Of course it is not just a gay disease and yes you have a chance of getting it from any cheating partner with special note of someone who had many partners.

When I got back together with my now wife after five years apart we both was check for STDs and she and I now have a zero repeat zero chance of getting a std as we do not cheat on each other.

With all that said by the CDC numbers you chance of getting hiv by being in the high risk group IE people who had sex with men who had sex with other men is many many many times over what it would be in a straight relationship. Even being in a relationship where your partner cheat with many female partners your odds still would be far less of getting hiv then the odds you are now facing.

Good luck if your postings is real.

Thank you Joe. I've been overwhelmed by people's opinions and have taken a lot of them into consideration.

This is not a made up story. All facts.

If it is not a make up story then in my opinion you are a fool not to kick him to the curve as he is not going to out grow his desire for sex with other men and he was willing to place you in a high risk group for HIV without your knowledge so his morals are as low as a man morals can be.

Loved everything you said here. I believe you're an evolved soul and I appreciate your taking the time.

No bondage... Don't know where that generated from.

Really liked your view on life... Thanks for taking the time and energy. I kind of feel the same way... What's to be will be time will tell

You should regard their advice with a certain degree of caution. Unlike me, they are not the acknowledged relationships experts around here.

And you should even take advice from acknowledged relationship experts with a grain of salt

Everyone is different, and personally, I think we should listen to others have to say, and then work out what is best for ourselves.

LOL, Bottom line is I really was not looking for anyone to tell me what I should. A wise man said "only the heart knows where the strength can be found" I believe that.