I recently discovered my boyfriend was having sex with men

If I could interject something here. My B/F's attraction is to older men only... He's 50. These men are already 60 to 70 ....my inner voice tells me this is something that had to do with his childhood. He has also been soul searching the reasons. It's not like he'll be with any guy it's very specific.

Sorry childhood issues might direct him to older men but so how is that going to stop him from being sexually turn on by other males no matter what their ages happen to be that he is most drawn to?

I don't have a cryastal ball. I'm male so....err..ummm..so you may fill in the blanks.

However, what I do have, at aged 61, is a long, personal history in relationships. FWIW, I've listened to friends who were (and are) homosexual talk of their exeperiences. I'm at best an amateur psychologist who has sympathy for you and this situation. Some might refer to his behavior as bi-curious.

I'm a little concerend by the lack of knowledge on his part whether or not he had been molested as a child by an older male. Granted there can be an hysteria over such a molestation ... causing a loss of memory...but...I'd have pursued psychotherapy a long time ago had it been me. However, I can only speak for myself. Why he may not have done so is a curious question - especially after his having gone through a divorce in an unhappy marriage and having kids and all that.

I realize that the heart wants what the heart wants. I hear your desire to push back at some of the comments that were critical. I would hope that you ignore those that were judgemental and hyper-critical. As I said earlier some members who make comments about relationships would be better served by frequenting threads where they have more expertise.

My only intent is not to be critical or judgemental of you but simply to underscore the need to be cautious as there a lot of red flags here that may result in more pain than pleasure ... for you both. I mean you no harm.

Whether or not his focus or pursuit is older men with white hair is a moot point. It is wrinkle (intentional pun) that doesn't matter to the success of either of your relationships. If what he has is a bi-curious fantasy, then one such affair hopefully would satisfy his curiosity.

He according to his own word (and deed) still has some experimenting to do. If you want a committed relationship with him, then right now the time seems to be less than optimal. If he told you the truth all the way along, it'd have been a far better circumstance; however, this is now water under the bridge.

I wish you well.

Sorry Ragman no matter what story he is telling her at age 50 plus his sexuality is set in concrete for the last thirty years or longer as he is not some young teenager who is experimenting.

I need to offer her shares in a bridge I happen to owe in New York City.

Sorry Bill. Unless you are a warlock and / or can read tarot cards how the frig do you know?

And, let's face it.. There is such a thing as mid-life crisis where you men "ACT" like teenagers, mind you once we've hit 30+ I digress, we women get it and want to be 20 again for the rest of our lives...

Ragman makes good points but I think that you, bosslady Already know of those, it's good for them to be reuterated however.

The only question you have to ask yourself, as you have decided to run with it, is for how long? And, if it's "forever", will you feel like you are not good enough? Will it destroy your self-esteme.. You are going to have to be one hell of a tough woman and take it day by day.

I also understand blocking things out doesn't mean that it's totally blocked out and at any stage of our lives, it can come to the surfice.

I'd suggest if he really wants to know if anything happened to him as a child, given he is now 50, that he try hypnotherapy..

I also feel sad that you "found out" and then he was honest.. This is why I wrote you will have to set boundries.. Do not let him take advantage of the situation, your love, trust.. Because he did break that trust by telling you after the fact.

I'm actually with Bill on this one - he won't outgrow it. But that's not the real question - the question is whether or not he will ever return to being monogamus?

Personally, I think it highly unlikely. There's too much relating to 'character' here, rather than sexual inclination...and it is character that determines attitudes to monogamy...and character is influenced directly by the actions we take - especially when they go against our beliefs or values...the more we do something, the easier it becomes the next time, the more we justify it in our head, and the more we come to 'believe' it's alright.

When I first started meeting guys they would ask for my phone number, some didn’t want to give me theirs, that was my first clue they either had another boyfriend or girlfriend at home.

I didn’t play those games.

Sure. That's totally understandable. It's an unusual situation for sure. It would be difficult to talk to family and friends even if he was involved in heterosexual relationship beyond yours. Internet forums are safe in that regard, but you do get feedback from all corners. One nice feature we have here is the "ignore user" button. If you click on a users name you'll see the option over to the right. There are times when it comes in handy.

Honestly, the first thought that came to mind was to ask if he'd been a alter boy in the Catholic Church in his youth. Seems kind of cliche, but easily believable. What child wouldn't bury that a supposed man of God had abused him?

Is there anyway we could talk personally? My situation is nearly exactly like this and you are the first positive person I can find that is not saying don't be stupid, leave him, etc.

She started this thread over a year ago. If your boyfriend is having sex with other men She’s not the one you should be talking too.

Hi..I actually have a similar story unfortunately, so bossgirl04 you are not the only one. I fell deeply in love with a total "bad boy". The sex was amazing and I was addicted to the sex with him. We have an on again -off again relationship I had heard rumors in the past that he was cheating with other women...then I heard some weird rumors about guys and I always found it weird how he was constantly getting AIDS tested...he decided to go into a rehab (he's an alcoholic) and seemed to be doing well, cleaning up his life. To make a long story short, he left rehab, contacted me (I don't do drugs or drink) and because I still loved him deeply in my heart I went to meet up with him. He finally confessed that he is a "dope fiend" and said how he wanted to marry me. I said "What about your inability to keep your dick in your pants?" I was referring to other women of course...he like usual constantly denied the cheating rumors....He was supposed to meet up with me in the Bronx and ended up calling me from a gay couple's phone that he had randomly met and we were all supposed to meet up for lunch....my boyfriend and his "friends" totally stood me up and the gay couple ended up calling me back and then told me how they thought I should know the truth: "That my "boyfriend" was sticking his tongue in the guy's ear, telling him his beautiful and trying to kiss him on the mouth and trying to **** him...." I then confronted my "boyfriend" and his response was "What? I was hanging out with a bunch of fruitcakes...." and I said there is something that I found out and Idk if I should tell you or keep it to myself and he goes "What that I'm gay?"....He basically admitted it.....I don't know if he is bi-sexual or completely gay, but I know he will never stop. Cheating is cheating no matter what. My heart is so broken and I HAD TO WALK AWAY FROM HIM BECAUSE HE IS PUTTING ME IN MAJOR RISK FOR ALL TYPES OF STDS. If he wants to kill himself by having risky sexual behavior, that's on him, but I'm not going to risk my life just because the sex with him is good as well....Even though I have a level of compassion for him I HAD TO SAY GOODBYE AND LET HIM GO. I hope this helps. I FINALLY CHOSE MYSELF AND I FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT, BC HE SURE AS HELL WASN'T THINKING ANYTHING ABOUT ME WHEN HE WAS DOING WHAT HE DID.....I can't get the image of the man that I really loved trying to kiss another man on the lips....that's WAY TOO INTIMATE IN MY OPINION.....Best of luck bossgirl04 and I hope you realize that you deserve SO MUCH MORE THAN WHAT YOUR MAN IS GIVING YOU.