Christmas

The decoration that I put on the counter was not moved. It was covered up with her junk. The bench is to sit on not to put items on to stay there for days. When a person's junk is spread all over someone's house believe me it is very disrespectful. When you enter a person's house that says a lot about who they are as a person. Some people live like slobs and other people are very neat. Also they think I should take care of the baby from the time they arrive until they leave. I only have so much energy.

Jodie.

We can not choose who our children marry. I suspect your son doesn't mind the way she is, after all, she just had another of his child. We can "choose" to accept people for who they are.

You have grandchildren, I am sure you want to see those grandchildren grow, all their special moments be told about...

Your daughter in law doesn't suit the way you live, you don't suit the way she lives and if you haven't seen them for a while, then isn't it also great to play with your grandchildren...

Accept people for who they are, they have a right to make their own choices in life it may not be respectful in your eyes but learn to get along with her, for the sake of your grandchildren and your son...And your sanity.

I'm beginning to understand why your son has to say to you "that's enough, mom."

My parents attitude has always been you had the kids and you should take care of them. I was also taught to respect other peoples property. The baby is eight months old. The ornament that I was talking about when he was done with it was drenched with saliva. I have never felt comfortable enough in anyones house to behave in the manner that she did. The bottom line is very disrespectful.

It probably is best if you don't see them again. It'll just be easier for you.

You do not have a clue as to what you are talking about. You are just assuming.

I can see some of your irritation, but people here have been making suggestions for you to address those things, both re making your home practical for their visit, but also, just as important, speaking up for yourself. I somewhat understand, as everybody I know keeps their things in the guest bedroom, and so on.. but if you want their things there, make it clear.

Your husband seems a mystery to me. Your son was presumably raised by you but appears to agree with his wife, which is natural for a couple.
Did your son never before help clear the dishes?
I can see both sides of that situation, as some like to do all the work, and some want people standing around the kitchen as the hearth of the home, and are fine with people clearing the table, and so on. But building resentments about this is making you miserable. If you want help, ask for it.

We all handle our lives differently, but you seem to be complaining about yourself not handling yours, while you rear back from making waves, even with husband.

I think some women have historically been whiny, or passive aggressive, as what they can do when they feel impotent to change anything.
I don't mean this meanly, but to help - I think you could do some reading about passive aggression and anger, because this kind of thing can eat you up while you are somewhat trapped in not raising waves. When you do raise one, it'll probably be out of proportion to one incident - which is what you are trying to control and makes you so exhausted.

A little counselling or group therapy might be a help to you, Jodie.

edit - I've read all the threads before, not reread them this time. Will check them again. You could do that too, Jodie, see if you see a pattern.

Who said this son and his wife had two other children? Don't assume anything. This is my adopted son and he and his wife they have an eight month old baby. I think a lot is being read into this that's not there at all.

http://able2know.org/user/jodie34/topics/

http://able2know.org/topic/134875-1



So you've got two sons? and there are difficult relationships with both of them and their wives?

Really. Best off to leave them all alone.

you've got to either learn to deal with the fact that things have changed since your parents' day or simply leave your sons and their families alone. You've commented that your husband and son/s have told you, in effect, to ease up.

So - ease up or back off.

No one needs to assume anything. You've got a fine posting history to read along with.

Not really, I think people are reading it okay... You are over worked, and you had your family over for Christmas but it was all to much for you...

However, it's now 4th January, 2012 and you are still dwelling on it, based on "your" up-bringing and what "you" expect which is not at all what life is about, it's about giving for no reason, having no expectations, and knowing you did good even if they covered your stuff, it looked magical the way "you" wanted it.. They never commented on them, they never took notice of all the toys you had for the baby, the effort you went to...After all you could wash that ornament.

So if they didn't appreciate you, does your husband? You say your other son doesn't want to travel 1.5hrs let alone 3, you can do it... Is that appreciation

Is this therefore all about not being appreciated full stop and so, this thread points to the daughter in law when in fact it's about EVERYONE...

Like I said, when was the last time you took a break, you had a holiday, your husband cooked for you....

I don't feel appreciated.

I really do feel that I am over worked and not appreciated. My son and his wife were here for four days. I had said to my husband that maybe we should eat out some so I would not feel so exhausted. He likes for me to cook when the children come to visit because they like (Mom's ) cooking. My husband has never cooked a holiday dinner. I was sick for three weeks before Christmas. My son and his wife alternate the holidays between us and her parents. It wasn't an invitation that is the way it is set up. I can tell my family that i don't feel well and it goes in one ear and out the other. Nobody cares! I am not looking for sympathy from people on this thread. Maybe I need to learn how to fix this problem.

Your son needs to learn to cook a holiday dinner. I don't think his not doing that or helping on it is all his fault.

I don't think it should matter what your husband wants if you're not feeling well and feeling unappreciated into the bargain. I'd just tell him, "Too bad, I'm not cooking so let's order in. Deal with it."

And I don't know why you are doing all the cooking. When we have family dinners, either they're potluck (not applicable in this case) or everyone chips in. Someone sets the table, someone else clears it. Someone is on dishes, someone's on putting the food away. Someone's making the gravy, someone else is mashing the potatoes.

Why doesn't this happen in your house?

Could you not let them know about a month before the next time it happens what your terms and conditions are, in a gentle way?

"Son, last time we had Christmas at our house I was exhausted. This year I'd like some help with the cooking, the clearing up, and the baby. Please let me know what you and DIL are able to do since I am getting up there and can't do it all anymore. Thanks in advance." "PS - your dad is on dish duty"

Ah-h-h, now the real truth comes out.

Well then, STOP doing what you do - too much for other people.

I'd tell you to insist that your husband pitch in when entertaining, but I have a feeling that he is the core of your problem.

Scale back and don't do as much. Then you won't be so resentful because you feel that no one really appreciates it.

Your issue is not unique. I imagine that many women are feeling overtired and resentful about the holidays.

And if no one's willing to help, there's always pre-cooked chickens at Safeway, instant mashed potatoes, stove top stuffing, packaged or canned gravy, bakery pie... get my drift? Serve them on paper plates and use plastic cutlery.

I don't think the real core of the problem is your husband, though - I think it's you. You're the (only) one being affected, and not just at Christmas, from your other posts. I think your outlook needs a little tweaking and I mean that in a nice way.

Jodie's been posting threads about relationship problems with her family/friends since January 2008

http://able2know.org/user/jodie34/topics/page-2

She doesn't appear to have listened to any suggestions made.

Each new thread is a variation on the original theme.

Noddy's advice in January 2008

http://able2know.org/topic/109850-2#post-3031447