Christmas

What had you done to baby-proof your home before their arrival?

Perhaps before they visit again you can ask her what you can do to prepare your home for their visit. It might be easier on all of you that way.

If you don't want them messing things up, put out things that you don't have to worry about.

In regard to the bathroom issue, I think I'd ask which ONE bathroom they want to use - agree to it - and then leave them to it. If they start to use a different one, smile and encourage them to use the one that has been set up for them.

You seem kind of passive-aggressive, no offense, but... I would have said something and done something. Like removed the shoes from your pillow, saying, 'hey, this pillow was a gift and it's not for shoes', returned the fabric ornaments to the tree, saying something like, 'please don't give these to the baby', moved the wet shoes from the dining room chair and put them away, saying 'these are wet, please don't put them on my fabric', given her a space in the bathroom for her crap and asked her to keep to it, and removed ornaments from the bathroom so they wouldn't get wrecked.

Honestly, you need to be more assertive and if you're afraid they might get mad and not come back to visit, so what? Go there instead. Or don't visit. And that's pretty bad if the relationship is fear-based. You can be forthright and assertive while being friendly but firm. Your kids need to respect you and your space/things and it sounds like they don't because you don't. I would not tolerate my kids telling me 'that's enough, mom'. WTF?

What's going to happen when the kid is older and is tearing around your house breaking things? You don't say how the baby is... but at some point they need to be taught 'no' and not have everything removed from sight and reach.

And as far as what your husband said, is it true? If you get assertive it'll ruin your relationship?

PS If it's so stressful, why do you have them visit? I would not invite them until I was able to be assertive.

I'm a bit like you, I like my displays and at Christmas, you are really wanting each area to have that "special" feel about it.. Not everyone can see that or care for it.. They live their lives differently.

I appreciate it's hard to see those displays messed with, un-appreciated for what they are, but we are not all the same remember.

I don't see any harm in taking cloth items of a Christmas tree to play with in fact i would have bought little things for the baby and had them on the tree, help Mum by bubs being distracted and help you all so there is more time to talk and enjoy each other's company...

I'd be at that door as soon as they arrive, saying "here, give me those" and take the bags and have a place where they belong for the duration...

And, I'd not worry about the bathroom, I wouldn't have Christmas decorations in there to start with, it's called compromise you know that people are going to use the bathroom and it's a small room.

I'd use areas that aren't going to be used by others to express the spirit of Christmas.

It's a few days of a whole year, where otherwise, what ever you display in your home remains that way, as you like it... Compromise where and how you are going to have your settings for next year...

We can be a bit OCD over things sometimes where "displaying" our homes can come into play and people moving things or putting things on top,.

I made sure things were out of reach as for the baby. I did baby proof the house some what before they arrived. These people are in their 30's.

I do not have a private bathroom just for them. My counter in my bathroom is long and plenty of room for decoration and no the baby could not reach any of those things. This bathroom has to be shared with other people.

ok - you referred to it as the main bathroom - that suggested that there was at least one more bathroom.

if it is the only bathroom in the house and someone is coming over with a baby, I'd have that cleared out of anything decorative before they arrive (actually anyone up to about the age of 12 would have me taking decorative stuff out of the bathroom - less temptation to play with things).

if it's only one bathroom - it's a public space when there is company - and son/daughter-in-law/baby are company - keep it as clear as a hotel bathroom

These people are your son and daughter-in-law. If you react to them the way you do to posters here it probably would be best if you just visited them once a year - and stay in a hotel while you're there.

You don't know how much more of what that you can take?

Yes, your daughter-in-law isn't being very thoughtful about your things. Since you feel unable to speak up about the situations as they occur, there are some solutions to the offenses that will help keep the peace while still making a point.

Provide a basket in the bathroom to contain the baby items. The basket can then be placed under the counter and out of sight yet still be available for the baby's needs.

Help her carry her bags and shoes from the bench and into the room where they will be staying.

Put the wet shoes under the kitchen sink where they'll still be convenient for your use outside yet safely out of reach of the baby.

Go to the dollar store or Goodwill and collect a basket of play toys to keep in your home for when the baby visits. When she removes ornaments from the tree, just gently trade one of the toys from your basket for the ornament and put the ornament back on the tree.

With all due respect, I agree with Mame. This is not at all a question of you being perfect . This is an issue of you feelinge drained emotionally because you feel the need to walk on egg-shells when they are visiting you.

FWIW, there are some really good courses that are offered in 'how to be assertive'. Be aware that being firm doesn't mean that you will be considered a bitch or does it mean that it'll ruin the relationship if you give some push-back.

Liberate yourself or you'll never enjoy their company in your home or theirs.

I just went back into history and read some of the OPs other threads. This seems to be an ongoing problem between her, her son, and her DIL.

I wonder, given the history, why you and they even bother visiting. You know what you can expect from them and vice versa. I think, however, that it's a good sign that they wanted or agreed to come and visit you and your husband at Christmas.

These events you mentioned are really quite small issues. I know collectively they seem like a lot but they aren't really. I probably would have made a nice comment or two (as I mentioned earlier) and then let the matter drop.

What exactly caused you to be emotionally drained?

He is what he is, she is what she is, and you are what you are. Best to just accept that this is the way it is and let it go.

The baby did not play with things in the bathroom. She laid some of her things on the decorations. We do have a bathroom off the master bedroom for my husband and I. When I visit someone I always keep my belongings all together in the bedroom.

I had a basket full of baby toys on the floor when she took the ornaments off the tree for the baby to play with. They expected me to wait on them hand and foot the whole time they were here. They would not even put an empty soda bottle in the garbage when they were done with it. Everyone took a nap while I made Christmas dinner. That explains why I am emotionally drained. I have never felt that I could go in anyone's house and just do what I want.

Well, they're acting that way because they can. You allow it. Why not address some of the suggestions I gave you earlier?

Could you not say, 'hey, DIL, could you put your cans in the recycling bin?' or 'who's helping me with Christmas dinner?' 'Son, are you doing dishes or putting the food away?'

She could also say "Hey DIL, you have a home. Use it".

Sorry - you will get no sympathy from me.

You placed decorations on a counter that people would use, then got upset because they were moved.

You put a holiday pillow on a foyer bench that people should be able to sit on or place items on. Then you got upset because someone used it for its purpose.

You cooked dinner while other people slept. Were they assigned "jobs" or did you just accept this huge job without asking for help. Did they clean up afterwards? These are things that need to be discussed BEFORE the meal is even started. Where was your husband?

Traveling with a baby is exhausting. Maybe mom is tired. Your mistake was not making your son help you out - or better yet, not going to their house.

Jodie, honestly, was there any harm done to the ornament? Was/is that the big deal or was it that you were so tired from preparing and making the place look good, attended to them and "maybe" there was no, thank you? For all you did...

My parents when I go to their house "won't" let me do anything, I am their guest. Simularily when they all rocked up to my house for lunch and dinner this year, both families.. .They were my guests... If someone "wants" to pitch in they do and it's appreciated but it's not expected as I invited them..

I think it's sad if you have never been able to go to their house as a guest and be treated as such, as a guest... Feet up, wine in hand, be fed and then kick back and relax.

When was the last holiday you took? Or a meal cooked for you, by your husband? Do you do all the work around the house as in the "oldern days" and get no appreciation?

I've gone back and read a thread by this poster about her son and dil from 2009. They had two children then, and the op said they were tired at that time.

I'm just imagining how tired they are now with a baby added to the mix.

They probably hoped they could have a relaxing weekend with family over the holidays.

I recall friends dropping by here with their two small children years ago - and the parents both falling asleep within half an hour of getting in my front door leaving me with an infant and a toddler to sort out. I managed - and was glad that mom and dad were able to get a good night's sleep in.

~~~

Jodie, if there is any way at all, try to find something positive about the visit and the time you were able to spend with your family otherwise the negative feelings in the air (and believe me, they're being picked up by the kids even if you're not saying anything) will be really unpleasant for the kids and they eventually won't want to be part of family trips to visit you.

Try to like everybody. Some you like like to see arrive; some you like to see depart.

My daughter is a single mom and has a nearly 3 and nearly 5 yr old. They are busy little people who need pretty constant watching. When I visit her, I work like I do at home. I would never expect her to entertain me - she's busy enough with those two, plus she works full-time. I get up with the little ones and make them breakfast while she sleeps in.

Holidays are for families relaxing and yes, you could have gotten some help, but if you don't ask for it, you can't play the martyr. It wouldn't bother me to make the dinner while they slept, but your list of grievances is longer than just that. Bottom line, if you expect certain behaviour, you need to ask for it.




And why would you? You and I weren't raised that way. Truthfully, sitting on my backside with my feet up while someone else is working theirs off doesn't appeal to me. It's always more fun when two or more are in the kitchen or garden or whatever. It's a great time to chat and gossip and catch up.