Sexually attracted to men but romantically attracted to women?

Hiya J-confused,

That could go either way.

If you're actually gay, it could just be that you have been so acculturated to the "norms" -- husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, prince and princess, prom king and prom queen -- that it's what you imagine.

It could also be that you're straight and naked men turn you on anyway. That happens, for a lot of reasons.

You've talked about crushes, but what kind of sexual experiences have you had? Any with a girl yet? (Or a guy, but I'm gathering that you haven't.)

I understand exactly what you mean, and BTW, I'm a 53 year old female.

I've never been with a woman, and I've enjoyed being married to a man, and being with them.
But the male physique doesn't really do anything for me. I mean as far as looking at it. Women are infinitely more beautiful and sexy looking to me.

I like being held by a man, but it doesn't matter about what most women appear to think is attractive, muscles and all that. As long as he's in reasonably good shape, and clean, that's all that matters.

I've frankly never fretted over it, since I know that everyone has their individual turn ons/off.

I get you.

a naked body makes anyone think of sex, and could consequently turn someone on. That doesnt mean you are gay.


When you SEE a naked man, besides being turned on, do you feel a drive to have sex with them? Or are you just enjoying the nudity?

What about with a woman?

Usually, there is a pull so to speak , to sleep with the person whom you are attracted to the most. And it goes beyond just enjoying nudity.

And, it is entirely possible that you are one of the people who really does not have a sexual definition , just enjoys everyone as they are with out falling into the absolute of hetero, or homo. That.. would be really cool I bet.

I would say dont worry too much. Since you are not sure, you dont HAVE to say anything. But try to DO something. If you can not really feel that pull to have sex with someone, try putting yourself into a position where someone would approach you, either man or woman and see HOW you react. It takes a while. Dont ever feel odd for it.

Who you want to be.
Who you want to be like.
Who you want to love.
Who you are sexually attracted to.

All questions we all have grappled with.

You have time to figure them out.

that is me too.
Women are beautiful, and they seem to embody sex more than men. men are attractive, but no.. the male physique is not a BIG drive for me either. But I am not gay, i am just human...attracted to things about sex. If that makes sense

Thank you very much, everyone, for your replies (and "hi" to you all. ). They've been helpful. Even though my problem isn't "figured out," it gives me some comfort that other people understand.

@sozobe,
I've had zero sexual experience. I mean, every time I've had a crush, I would "fantasize" about just hanging out with them and...well, being happy. I wouldn't think about sex. I realized that recently and (reluctantly) tried to imagine what it would be like, but it felt very weird. I think that's because they're still my friends, and I don't like to think of them that way now.

I have thought that it might be the "norms" of relationships that I've heard that make me imagine being with a girl. I suppose that could be it. It's hard to tell, though. I really try to imagine what it would be like with a guy, and it just doesn't make me as happy. Of course, that's just imagining it, it's not the real thing.

@chai2,
Thank you, that makes me feel a little better. Sometimes I feel like, because I'm more attracted to the male physique, that it means I have to be gay and that being with a woman wouldn't be "right" for me, or fair for her. Though I have heard of some girls who are definitely straight, but prefer the female body. Of course, I can understand that. I can definitely see WHY anyone would think the female body is generally more beautiful. And it's not that I dislike the female body, It just doesn't do as much for me as the male body does.

@shewolfnm,
I don't really think I feel like having sex with...anyone. I'm just not very interested in it right now, but I think that when I'm older, I'll feel more comfortable to consider it.

Thank you all, again. If you have any more advice, I'd really appreciate it.

I'm betting that this is it in a nutshell. As we say, you may simply be a late bloomer - of either preference (or even bi, for that matter). It happens.

And welcome to A2K.

You know, not everyone has the same desire for sex, whether with a male female or either/or.

Some people are asexual, some don't mind having sex, but it's not something they go looking for, all the way up to people who really want it every, or several times a day.

According to the media, and popular culture, we're all supposed to want it (and be able to get it) x amount of times a week, or month, or whatever.

But "they" aren't in your home, your bedroom, keeping score of what you are, or aren't doing.

I have wondered how much sex that goes on between people is equally wanted. I'm not talking about coercion (sp?), but it's cool if one of the people is ok with having sex with the other, enjoying it on different level than their partner.
The happiest thing would be to find someone who is not in perfect sync that way with you, but in the same neighborhood, so theirs a mutual give/take/sharing.

Edit: What jespah said. Through out lives, our desires change, grow, abate, settle, change course, etc.

Yep. You might be more interested in companionship than sex. That might change later on, but it might not.

Some thoughts -

I'm a woman. In real life I've had incredible pulls towards certain men, beyond reason, something about them... and they have fit all sorts of different descriptions. Partly about looks and partly about their demeanor/brains.

I started to write out descriptions, which amused me, but I'll save it for the book. But mostly those lust crazed vapors have been flash in the pan interest whether crushes or men I spent time with sexually. Love has been different for me, none of them starting immediately with that bongo drumming feeling, to coin a phrase. Not saying at all that it can't start with that. Anyway, bongo drums can be progressive.

On looking at photos of men, I'm rarely attracted to physique as such. Pretty much a yawn (sorry to those with lotsa physique). I did love a mountain climber who was very strong, but that wasn't what got me - it was his face, eyes, brains, poetry, humor.

On women, I have no interest at all in the usual apparent sexy photos. Do find many photos and paintings of women beautiful as photos and paintings, but am not pulled to them in attraction. But the same is true of men in photos, naked or not. There may be exceptions to either I'm not remembering.

I've only found myself attracted to a real life woman once, just a young woman across the room in a painting class that I wanted to stare at. I wouldn't even call it attraction (or would I), more of finding her interesting, trying to figure her out, but I had a cross-my-mind moment noticing that I kept wanting to stare at her.

J-confused, this made me think:

"I've had zero sexual experience. I mean, every time I've had a crush, I would "fantasize" about just hanging out with them and...well, being happy. I wouldn't think about sex. I realized that recently and (reluctantly) tried to imagine what it would be like, but it felt very weird. I think that's because they're still my friends, and I don't like to think of them that way now.
I have thought that it might be the "norms" of relationships that I've heard that make me imagine being with a girl. I suppose that could be it. It's hard to tell, though. I really try to imagine what it would be like with a guy, and it just doesn't make me as happy. Of course, that's just imagining it, it's not the real thing."

Long love often begins with friendship and regard and involves tenderness and sexual interest. If you are tender with a friend who is a girl/woman, touch her once in a while, if it makes sense in the context of what is happening, see if you feel any excitement. Or, just think about it. Maybe you are not from a touching family. I wasn't, it was a learned thing for me, and in the midst of it there was a craze back when? seventies? for people always touching each others arms, which put me off my feed, at least the ones who overdid it. (I had a fit about ten years ago at a dinner party when a woman I'd just met sitting next to me kept grabbing my arm in some kind of we-are-all-sisters-together thing re whatever the conversation was and I had to orchestrate with the male of the hosting couple to change seats as dessert was served. (I'd already said something negative to her, plus pulling my arm away past the second time, but it kept going on.)

I agree with all I've read so far, basically be glad to be who you are, however you figure it out. Sexuality is a continuum.

Re that book: I was kidding.

Thank you, jespah.

@ossobucco,
That's true. I enjoy my friendships with girls (and guys, for that matter). I guess I'm more "tender" towards girls...I don't really have a problem, say, putting my arm around one's shoulder to comfort them and asking them if they're okay...I probably wouldn't really do this to a guy, but that might be just because it's not really the kind of thing most guy friends do. But the truth is, I don't really want to do that for a guy (the arm around shoulder thing). I might ask them if they're okay, but not as gently as I would with a girl.

Okay, this feels really awkward, so I'm sorry if it weirds anyone else out...I noticed that, after masturbating, when I think about being with a guy, both as a relationship and just sex, neither really appeals to me. It's times like these that I really feel "straight." Because when I think about being with a girl, it really...feels right. It makes me happy to think about. More in a relationship way than a sex way, but I think that's partly because I've kind of gotten all the sexual...energy(?) out.

Being anxious or confused or ambivalent about your sexual leanings is OK. So would exploring alternative options, if that is what you chose to do. Let no one define for you what is best for you or what is a 'Normal' maturation as a person. Being gay (not saying you are at all), bi-curious and/or exploring is fine.

Try not to allow yourself to feel uncomfy with your feelings. Society and it's level of acceptance of alternative lifestyles is changing but perhaps at a glacial pace. Certainly you needn't worry about what anyone else thinks (in real life) or on this forum about your feelings and thoughts. This should be a safe place to ask these sort of questions.

From my observation, IMHO, you're just being honest with yourself and trying to understand your inner voice or drives. Don't dismiss your feelings but try to reflect on them.

Dude!!! This might sound kinda crazy, but your description about your feelings (and every thing else you wrote for that matter) describes me and what I feel 100%.

I'm also an 18 year-old guy by the way, so when I stumbled upon your question I thought it might be helpful but I never imagined there could be somebody else that felt the exact same way I did! It's just amazing!!

I would like to thank everyone that has replied here as well because I've found all of your responses very helpful! They have given me new found resolve to find the answers I seek about who I really am.

Anyways, See ya! & always smile! XD

Yeah i know exactly what you mean! Im 19 and at Uni. I had a two year relationship with a girl and I felt really in love (too in love to actually see that the girl treated me rubbishly!!) However we had problems with our sexual relationship. It was my first time, she had been doing it for a couple of years. I often felt pressured and worried because I knew guys turned me on more and she (not knowing) would complain that i wasnt like other guys which made it worse. However on the few occasions where we didnt have problems it felt amazing! Recently however i had one sexual relationship with a guy but we didnt go as far as sex and I didnt enjoy it as much. Yeah it turned me on but it just felt awkward so now Im more confused. :S Glad to know someone else is in the same boat.

Wow J-confused do u e-mail or text? if u need someone to discuss this with I wudnt mind doing so at all.. I've actually had a similar controversy in ma own life lately..hmu, krazy how other people feeling this same ish. Some things we face fo years & we never really understand it.. I think one must just flow with how they feel they are right.. if you are attracted to women in any way you are doing them no harm in being with them, you are depriving them of nothing.. love isnt just about being attracted to a sexual part only, love is getting to know a person and loving their presence n company. Just because you are attracted to a male's sexual part it doesn't mean your forever forced to be in a relationship w a male.. I'm assuming you don't want to pursue a relationship w a man.. and you find enough attraction in women.

Join the club buddy!! ^___^ XD

but yeah, this is all just too weird sometimes isn't it? v,v

Hey J-COnfused,
It makes me happy to read this forum and see a case so similar to mine. I am a 21 yo guy, I've been in a relationship with a girl for 2 years already and going good. I've always been romantically and sexually attracted to women. I see myself with a girl as a partner. However, since I was a kid I started exploring nudity and sexuality with my guy friends, im talking about when I was 9 years old. I had a couple of sexual experiences with guys until at 13 sex happened. Ever since then I got hooked on gay sex and I still had not yet experienced sex with a girl. I had a sex bud, but we never kissed or hugged or anything a guy might do with a girl. Every time we did it or that I masturbated thinking about him or another guy I would feel terrible when I finished. I would feel wrong and that it wasn't the way to be, and actually up to this day I still do. I can't help it.
I will never tell anyone that knows me this secret because it is about my sexual life, not my romantic life. I will never date a guy, but that doesn't mean I will never sleep with one. You don't have to tell friends and family who you sleep with. I am sexually attracted to men, but thats it.
I enjoy sex with a girl just as much as with a guy, and I don't feel wrong after doing it with a girl. Plus I could only be romantic with a girl, never with a guy.

Now this is my story, not yours. I will always live with this secret because that its what I need it to be. It gets tough when you want to have sex with one of your straight guy friends and if you ever get in a situation where you think this might happen, think about how it will be with this person after you guys have sex, or you try to have sex and he rejects with disgust. Be smart

Only you know what you want and how you want it. So don't let gay people tell you you're gay or straight people tell you you're straight, because nobody knows better about you than you.

Not the specifics, no, but you really should tell your sexual partners (and I mean the girl you've been with for 2 years) whether you've done any HIV high-risk behavior (and sleeping with guys, even using a condom, is in that camp).

U said u've been wondering for years whether u are gay.
I imagine that u can figure that out by:

1. Which gender u are thinking about BEFORE masturbating (or during)
and
2. What it is exactly that u wish to DO if u actually got
the naked male man to whom u were attracted.

There are several gay fellows in this forum.
Maybe thay 'll contribute to help u figure it out.