Sexually attracted to men but romantically attracted to women?

"Right now I stopped watching porn and really started getting more social, I'm trying to go out more, being with friends both girls and boys. And just tried to stop thinking too much about this issue. I think the real life interactions will point me in the right direction. And even I'f I sometimes doubt I just don't pay attention to the thought and move on. I just want to have fun and enjoy my youth. My body will tell me, given the right time what I am really attracted to. i think it's really really important to EXPERIMENT and stop thinking too much about whether If what you are doing is wright or wrong and connect to your body by doing exercise and taking care of it."

I totally agree with your post, thel00ker! Unfortunately I can't go out so often since my friends and I are all very distant from eachother for several reasons (work, study, etc) but besides that I think you're definitely right when you say that the only way to find peace is to not pay attention to our thoughts anymore and move on, to experiment. I still haven't done anything nor with a girl nor with a guy and I am 24 now and I feel like I am loosing time. a lot of time. Maybe it's silly , but I won't tell you how bad I felt during my birthday...
I am trying to accept the fact that my sexuality is not very defined and maybe I have to experiment to know what I really like but I know that if I have to do that it has to be natural and it has to happen in a natural way. I mean.. I was so messed up this summer that I ended up chatting with guys online and I thought that maybe I had to meet one of these guys and see how it could go.. I don't know but I kind of wanted to be alone with a guy to see if I could do something.. just to have a proof. To know if I like it or not and so to stop worrying about it. But I've only met a guy in a park and we only talked (about personal issues.. mine and his) but now I know that I don't want to do something like that anymore.. Moreover I always try to think less about these issues but even if they are not so persisting like this summer they appear sometimes and I can't stop them.

I also wonder if I'll have my first time with a girl or a boy and it scares the hell out of me. I always imagined myself with a girl, but what if I am more interested in having sex with a guy instead of a girl? That's so weird and I know that I won't come up with a solution by thinking and thinking again.. Anyway writing here is always a relief and I'm glad to talk about all this stuff with you guys.

Oh and another thing.. do you ever feel a sort of embarrassment when someone asks about your sexual tastes or something like that? I mean.. sometimes I feel an hypocrite (and I hate that!) when I talk about girls etc.. because although I really think that girl is gorgeous etc.. I never make the same kind of statements for guys I think are beautiful and I think it's not fair.. I'd do that but it seems like I am coming out and I don't want to come out since I don't know "what I am". I've just told to my mother and my sister I am afraid of being bisexual and even though they've been very supportive I don't know.. they think it's just a phase and that I am not actually bi but I am not so sure about it. I know I am not 90% straight but.. Idk.. I've never had a crush on a boy and if I were really bi, don't you think I would have had a crush on a guy in 24 years?? At least once. But it hasn't ever happened, while I had lots of crushes on girls even if it has been always a disaster and I don't know what (or who) the problem is.

First of all thanks for the amazing reply
I can totally understand your point of view, specially the thing about loosing time. I know it is not the same, but on my 18th birthday I felt desperate. All my friends had already had relationships with girls, and I was the only one that couldn't make "contact". Up to that age I had made big efforts in order to get a girl,but although i wanted to push myself to do it, the desire was not really there. all my friends were enjoying their own youth, sexually exploring themselves and others. I wasn't, I was confused. girls didn't really turn me on, I Was as you say, wasting my time.
Then I told myself that I would not wait for it no more and just live, I realized that i was missing out my "non sexual life" by constantly thinking about what i could be doing. Therefore I wasn't living neither of them. Surprisingly 2 months later a girl came to me at a party, she was very sexually impulsed lol, and after she made "all the moves" we made out, I had a great time and got turned on. I got to admit that it was a relief. I felt i had reached some sort of checkpoint in my life, one that I was waiting for it to arrive for years.This also made me realize that i CAN get turned on by girls and that was something that I didn't have had the chance to do test before. And seducing was something that I clearly sucked at specially without a very strong sexual thrive. But It is not such a big deal, I know that you feel you're getting old and that you are wasting time, but when you stop paying so much attention to those things they mysteriously tend to solve themselves.
I don't know if you feel the same way, but with guys I feel i can get sexual easily, I feel safe, even though I only tested this by joking around. And that is something I can't do with girls. I just can't naturally get physical with a girl, but it is something I can do with guys, I feel that I know what they want or like just because I'm a guy myself, and i guess that makes me comfortable. On the other hand I don't feel any true feelings towards any guy.
With girls I get the feeling that my sexual attraction to them is not real, and although i might be feeling emotionally attracted to a girl, I feel insecure, judged and i constantly remind myself that I am being fake in a way because that is not what i truly desire sexually. I do feel the same embarrassment that you feel when being asked about girls. I of course can recognize which girls are beautiful, and I can admire their beauty but it is difficult to me to get turned on just by looking at a beautiful girl.
Basically guys excite me sexually but not emotionally, and girls don't excite me sexually but they do emotionally.
I think that the main problem It's that it's not easy to try these types of things out, at least personally I feel that I can't easily go out, find a guy that i'm attracted to and simply experiment with him. I wish it was that easy. But at least in the society that I live in this is almost impossible, everybody is very close minded about this type of sexual exploration. I sincerely don't know how I would react to being with a guy and I don't know what would happen afterwards.
The thing that bothers me is that I never had a crush with a guy, I get aroused with them but I never fell in love with a dude. I don't wan't to cuddle or hug him, on the other hand i get aroused when being around them. But I could never, ever picture myself calling to my boyfriend to see how his day was or something like that. I know it sound contradictory but it is real.
I had a girlfriend, I really felt that I loved her, but I don't know if I had a big sexual attraction to her, ( probably because I was 14 lol) but this happens with almost every girl. I never told anyone about this, and It gets very annoying and confusing. I know that I have to experiment and try out all I can, but It gets complicated when my my head points in one direction and my body pushes to the other one and the other way around.
Maybe we have a very fluent sexuality, where we fall in love and get aroused with different people that may or may not follow what we are meant to do. This would be very cool once we find that special person, but, I don't find them so easily.
Every time I start a conversation with any of both sexes, that starts getting more serious my mind keeps reminding me about this issue. If it is a girl, I question myself if I really desire her sexually and emotionally, If it is a guy and I find myself sexually aroused I think " what would you do If you wake up tomorrow morning with this guy on your bed". I never conciliate emotional and sexual desire. This kind of thinking generally cuts all the excitement about the encounter and it completely turns me off lol. If this conversation in my head with myself about my sexual preferences would not exist every time I start talking with someone else I think I would be some kind of sexual beast lol. It is funny because although i love all kind of sexual conversations and stuff, I never really get to try those things, and they always stay in my head instead of really accomplishing something.
Anyways, thankfully, this page that is really helping me out by showing me that I am not the only one In this same situation. And this exchange of stories is simply amazing. I wonder If there is something that we are missing out that explains our behavior because this situation is tiresome, I would love to have a strong sexual and emotional preference to any of both sexes. It would calm me down a bit
Thanks for everything dude
And sorry for making you read all this (If you did)

Of course I've read every word of your post and I would like to reply to every part of it but I already know that I will miss something and please, accept my apologies in advance! It will be quite long, I assume.

I hope you're right when you say that, when you stop thinking about what you desire and what you want to do, maybe your situation will change and believe me, I try to do that but it's very difficult. The thing is I lived almost 19 years of my life without being interested in having a relationship (with a girl/boy).. I wasn't interested in having sex (while all my teen friends seemed to experiment it from an early age). Throughout the high-school years I was more interested in knowing myself (how I wanted to look.. what genre of music I wanted to listened to.. what group of people I wanted to hang out with) I was more interested in knowing people and make friends. I also refused two different girls who said to me they liked me (one them became my best friend after that, even if our friendship has been ruined due to several reasons some years ago. Some years ago I also I felt the desire to be with her when we were watching a movie together but the situation would have been too awkward) but I didn't like them and I thought that I couldn't be with someone I didn't like (I still think that and maybe it's one of the causes for my "pain") and I wanted to be friends. I also didn't want a relationship at all. Now maybe I think that I could have dated them and just experiment but well, I would do the same because I didn't feel like I wanted to.

Then when I entered college I've had several problems and then everything came together. The desire of being with a girl and then the sexual desire and the discovery of sexual interest in both sexes. I discovered it online because in real life I've never been acctracted to a guy/had a crush on a boy. Of course I remember that I've been fascinated by the male body even when I was a kid but just sometimes and maybe I have repressed this thing. Who knows? But as you said, I think I might be emotionally involved with girls but physically with both (at least that's what I think). I don't get an erection simply by looking at a girl's nude pic, but if she's involved in a sexual act with someone else (woman/man) then yes.. usually yes. And it's the same for a man. I think that basically it's the sexual act that gets me horny and I like seeing both a woman and a man naked. Both of them can be beautiful in their own way. For example I like using tumblr (the social network) and reblogging even kinky stuff (even if I'm not anonymous there) and everytime I see a picture/gif with maybe an mmf or two men I'd like to reblog it but since there's someone I know on that blog I do not do that.. but everytime I feel like I'm lying.. because I reblog something with a woman/two women but then not two men. That's why I previously said that if I knew I were actually bi I wouldn't mind to show that. Because it's something I feel. Of course, everyone has a different opinion and I know that other people prefer to not "show it". But for me it's like an hypocrisy but maybe it's just me being very silly.

I don't even like talking about sex when I am with other people.. simply because I don't know what to say. And I don't like to lie. Once, when I was quite drunk, I remember telling to someone I was a virgin, and he replied like: "really? I've never known a virgin at this age". Okay, I dindn't like this one even before (I mean, it's a jerk.. the kind of "bi hipster guy who tried everything").. maybe I am a bit like him or I envy him about this fact because I don't have his "courage" to try everything (I've never been attracted to him! For the record XD) but anyway.. I don't get along with him very well and I felt like I said something very stupid. So that's been the last time I talked about sex.

About the sexual exploration.. well this summer I discovered that if you want to find a guy to experiment with there's plenty of guys who would do that (or maybe I just found a lot of people who seemed keen on doing that) and it's easy to find them online (of course, you have to select carefully). But as I said, I don't know but I feel like if it has to happen I'd prefer it naturally. Like you I am also worried about the afterwards part. I am a person who tends to overthink (A LOT!) and that scares me to death. Then yeah, that's the same for me. I don't picture myself caring about another guy. I've never felt such an attraction for another guy.. ever.

I don't know if we have a fluent sexuality.. I hope so. Of course I would like to know that I like just one direction.. that I am straight like I always thought (that would be easier) but at the same time I just want to be happy and if it means that I can be happy by knowing what I really like or by being with another guy than be it. Because I felt so desperate about all this stuff recently and even now that I recovered it's always in my head and I don't want to think about it anymore. I can't even say to myself: "Okay, you're bisexual. Accept it" because I can't. I don't know it for sure. So I am in the position in which I am worried to try because I am afraid of the afterwards (the fact that I tried with a guy first, for example) but at the same time I want to try to know if I really like being with a guy and then I'm also afraid of the fact that I might still be going this way for a long time. And I'm tired of waiting.

I also thought that I might have these thoughts because I don't feel very masculine. I mean, I am not feminine but I am quite skinny, not fit and not tall and I am not the kind of guy girls fantasize about. At all. I also thought (and I had some proofs) that guys would like me more (because of the so-called twinkish look) but maybe it's just a feeling of mine.

Oh, hi people! My name's Lucas, I'm from Brazil, so yeah...prepare yourself for a lot of mistakes, hehe! Sorry for my Bad English

My story is a bit different. I know it influenced me A LOT...but please, it can be a bit disgusting to read it, feel free to pass the story. I don't want to make you guys fell 'disgusting', okay?

When i was at age of 5/6, two of my neighbours, (they were womans, at age of 14/15, and they both were my Babysitters) used to make 'sex' with some boys and mans of our street, and i was forced to see it (I'm so ashamed)
I always looked the boys dominating the girls, and i liked...agh! But the worst part, is that a Man, one day (at age of 28/30) kissed me and forced his Tongue on my Mouth, he was kissing me had 3 minutes...he even "exposed" himself to me.
He tried to kiss me more and do "another things", but the girls screamed and he had run away. (my family doesn't know of this)
It influenced me a lot...i know it influenced. Since the Girls always said: "Kissing Mans is nice"

I'm gay, i know i am, I was used to masturbate seeing Gay Porn.
But i also think that, i had to through those problems, and that it influenced me.

I found Penises to be...horrible. I hate, seeing those things, hate it.
I know why though, but...how can i be a Gay if don't like those things? I mean, i always lose ALL excitement when those Penises come in play.

Then, i had a thought: Mans are sexual, Womans are Emotional.(for me)
I started loving being with womans, but i don't get excited "that easy", i still get excited, though, but it takes some time.

i had a total of 3 girlfriends, and the sex wasn't bad,
but...

Now, i just changed a bit of my habits.
I stopped seeing Gay Porns (just like TheOOlker) and tried to experience other things.

I'm learning to like Womans on a more sexual way...and i can say; I'm enjoying.
I am just running of Gay Porn and things related to Sex with Mans, i just feel dirty too, for some reason.

I just tryin....
I do hope that i was passing a "phase", that the abuse i suffered later was the "meaning of everything" for what i was feeling.

Well, that's a bit of my feelings. I'm glad to see that thread and see people on the same "problems" as me

Hi Lucas! Oh, don't worry about the language thing! I'm not an English native speaker, too and probably you've noticed that if you've read my messages! haha

First of all, I'm very very sorry for what you've gone through. It's an awful thing what that guy did to you and I can't imagine how hard it has been to have such a secret all by yourself. They say that telling everything to your own parents is the best thing to do in such situations but I repeat, I can't imagine what you've gone through and I think it is a difficult thing to tell to someone. But it seems like you found the strenght to go on anyway and you did a wonderful thing.

I am not in a great position from where I can say something that would help you in oder to solve your problems, so the only thing I can do is to talk and try to find something that could help you to understand better yourself.
I can't understand you very well when you say you're gay and you know it. I mean, as you said you get excited when you are with girls and have sex with them (even if it is not so easy to get excited as it is with guys, right?) but from what you've just said it seems like you're not that gay. Maybe bisexual, but I am not so sure about that, too (of course I cannot be sure about your sexuality anyway lol) What I am trying to say is that if you are attracted to both girls and boys maybe the most plausable sexual orientation is bisexuality. By the way, have you ever had sex with guys, too? Or you count only gay porn?

Like you I have reduced the amount of gay porn I watch.. It was an addiction and this summer I couldn't stop.. I was watching a lot. Now I have reduced the quantity even if sometimes I need to watch it and get off with it. I am trying to accept and to live with it because otherwise I don't know what to do. If I think it's not right I would go back into that vicious cycle and start questioning again my sexuality (I'm still doing it but not every ******* second!) and wondering and wondering.. oh no. I can't do that anymore. I'm tired of it.

It is unusual the fact you are fascinated by the male body and get excited with gay porn but don't like to see a penis. How's that? So you like gay porn until you see penises?
Well you see.. I really don't think it'd be gay to not like a penis. At least for what I know. Personally I don't find that view disgusting and actually it's one of the thing that I find intriguing.
What makes me wonder about myself is the question: What would I do in real life? What would I do if I am with a guy who lets me touch his penis, etc... That's what I wonder about. What about you?

@Moonile
Oh, but your English is probably better than mine, haha!

I had sex with mens too. But I'm not passive, I'm the active. So i'd never did something with a Penis. I can touch it...i masturbated some of my partners sometimes. But the idea of doing head to my Partner or being the Passive on the sex...it won't gonna happen.
The idea of Anal sex with him...doing it on me, isn't something i think it's exciting.
You understand? Haha! I mean, its sound a bit complicated.

And yes, i do get excited with Womans, but very slowly, if compared to mans.
I big, muscular guy always turn me on, on the other side, a skinny guy with a nothing more, doesn't do nothing.
Womans with big breasts leave me excited, especially if they do have a nice 'back', i always get excited, but if compared to mans.....meh!

I have 3/4 gay friends. I talked with them a lot of times about that. They did have a relationship with womans, one of them lived with a woman for 8 years. But they are NO help; they keep saying I'm a gay...on the closet. Thats why I'm here too.

Yep! I just don't see more any Gay Porn. Did you ever tried Lesbian Porn? I mean...see if you don't get any excitement. I know i being a bit of annoying, but I'm trying using Lesbian Porn to masturbate myself, as i said, I'm learning to like it. At least, i don't feel "bad" after using it.
What about you? Have the same problems? Don't feel that comfortable with Mans for a relationship or it's just myself?

Hi! I see.. I understand what you're saying. Well, for what I know and from what I've just read I think that everything is based on personal tastes. I mean.. I think you don't have to be attracted to every part of sex with a woman/man. I've read about a lot of guys who label themselves as gay and do not like to be passive. Only active. That's a choice. So if you just like to be the top and not the bottom it's a choice of yours. Maybe it's the same for you.

Oh, I know!! I didn't know about that before starting questioning my sexuality but I've seen that in the "gay community" there is a sort of "prejudice". It's not fair because they always declare themselves as against racism/discrimination/ etc (and I totally agree with them) but there are a lot of gays who don't accept the idea of bisexuality or a non-stabled-sexuality. They always want you to say you're gay (and nothing else). A colleague of mine is gay but I wouldn't tell anything to him 'cause I know he would only say I'm gay. And I wouldn't be offended by the fact of being gay (of course not) it's just that I don't see myself as entirely gay. I think bisexuality fits better.

Yeah I like lesbian porn too but everytime I go and search for a porn I watch a bi/gay one. I get excited faster and yeah.. I always feel sort of ashamed after its vision but now it doesn't happen so frequently.

My problems are a bit different. No experiences at all with girls/boys. I don't know what I like but I am afraid of trying with guys and the thing is in real life I've never had a crush/felt attracted to another guy. But I talked in detail about everything in previous posts! I don't want to annoy you again!

Well I'm really sorry that I took ages to answer, but on these last days I have been reading a lot about porn addiction and about homosexual obsessive compulsive behaviour (HOCB) and I think that although I don't fit in all the symptoms this reading may be at least a guide to future answers. I really hope this helps and It's the main reason I stopped gay porn use.

First of all I'm going to describe a bit what I read about Porn Addiction and HOCB on yourbrainonporn.com
Basically when looking at porn we train our brains to watch different images on a row. When we are exited, our brain releases dopamine a neurochemical that makes us feel pleasure and an urge for sex. Therefore we start looking at a video (dopamine levels increase) and then when we start getting bored (decreasing dopamine levels) we switch to another one quickly (dopamine increase). This keeps our brain continuously stimulated and continuously releases dopamine when we switch images. This creates strong circuits in our brain that tell us that if we are not stimulated in this certain way we won't get exited. each time we look at another video our dopamine levels increase and we feel amazing again. we continuously switch from page to page in order to please our brain.
(dopamine is also released when taking in substances such as alcohol and cocaine, the brain feels an urge to feel that dopamine again and it craves for the substance. It is also release in everyday situations that generally involve a novelty, a new car, a new situation, a new feeling)
extract:
"With multiple tabs open and clicking for hours, you can experience more novel sex partners every ten minutes than our hunter-gatherer ancestors experienced in a lifetime. What’s a brain to do when it has unlimited access to a superstimulating reward it never evolved to handle? Some brains eventually adapt, which can lead to addiction."

SO basically our brains are heavily rewired to feel pleasure in this kind of way. we develop tolerance.

-----"Developing tolerance (numbed pleasure response) means an addict needs more of his/her "drug" to get the same effect. porn users sometimes notice that as tolerance builds for their earlier tastes, they move in new directions in their search for intense arousal. Many seek out what shocks them—perhaps because "forbidden" and "fear-producing," plus sexual arousal, offer a bigger brain-chemical kick...at least for a time.
So, it's not unusual to start out your porn career with an image of a famous hottie's fine butt—and months later find you have "progressed" to girls with goats or violent rape scenes. Keep in mind that that when an addict escalates to new genres or longer use he is driven by desensitization. HIS FUNDAMENTAL SEXUAL ORIENTATION HAS NOT CHANGED
The more intense the associated events (orgasm + video), or the more they are repeated, the stronger the wiring. Each experience wires the new tastes into the brain. If your sexual tastes have changed, so has your brain."

This means that After some time our brain is no longer pleased by the normal videos, straight porn for example gets boring so the brain craves for novelty again in order feel pleased. Our brain is no longer stimulated by the images that it sees every day so it needs to switch to another type of porn for example gay porn, transexual porn etc.
This also brings two serious consequences. the first one is that when in real life we get stimulated we don't get really exited because our brain doesn't recognise those patters of behaviour, it is used to watch porn and used to get different images or stimulus in a very short period of time. which Does NOT OCCUR IN REAL LIFE. Therefore when we only get aroused when looking at porn.
The other consequence is the fact that when one starts looking at gay porn one starts to get really exited and aroused. not because we are actually gay and desire the male body but because our brain is looking for some new stimulus. we get confused, "I must be gay because I get aroused by this gay images". but when we look at real life examples and relationships I never felt exited by these. Having serious homosexual relationships was always something that did not appeal to me.

This behaviour is deeply related to Homosexual obsessive compulsive behaviour or HOCB
This webpage will answer almost all questions about it
Edit [Moderator]: Links removed

These two webpages answer most of my doubts, you should totally check them out and keep exploring the whole webpage. I really really hope this information helps. In my case i thought that I was not addicted to porn at all, I did not use it frequently but when trying to quit I found out that it was quite hard. I experienced the whole escalation proces of porn from when I was a kid (around 13 or 14 years old) so this may explain my obsession with this "gay or not gay issue"
I also had obsessive compulsive behaviour where I washed my hands continuously in order to avoid diseases. I was really obsessed with them. this behaviour may explain my present state.
thanks to everybody for this amazing help

Thanks to you thel00ker!! I totally agree with you. Best way to start knowing better what we really like is to stop watching porn. I've already spent last summer (three entire months) surfing the web in order to find solutions to my problems. I've read every single article about the HOCD, gay porn addiction and the therapy of the exposure (I am trying to use it but it's very hard). In fact, I think I might have talked about all this stuff in the previous posts and I think I have linked a four-pages-article which has been very useful to me. Unfortunately I tried quitting gay porn instantly but it has been tough. Sometimes I have to go again and watch a video or I see an explicit image on the internet but I have stopped opening a lot of tabs with different videos and I have no longer that feeling of dirt after watching a gay video. I have read those articles and I think I might have HOCD.. it is the most plausable explanation, 'cause I have suffered from OCD since I was little kid and even my sister (to whom I have speaked about my worries of being bisexual) said to me she thinks the same because she knows about my obsessions. The thing is how can you stop watching porn??

Monile
I think you just have to realize that until you stop watching porn this uncomfortable problem will continue, and your life won't get to what it's supposed to be. I mean, having a good sexual life has to be fun and amazing, It shouldn't be an issue of a cause of preoccupation.
In my opinion you should stop porn completely. Exposure therapy is known to backfire in cases of HOCD because you are too exposed to the issue and the images that cause you trouble. It doesn't help you at all.
I think that we have to get into this mindset that If we don't stop watching any kind of porn we won't get any better. This problem will continue. It doesn't matter what you turn out to be but at least you know for sure. just make sure that pornography is not an option at all and when you feel the urge to use it do something else, get distracted. I know it's hard because we are used to it but our head will continue to be fucked up if we don't stop.
You might even feel worse after not using porn, you might feel that you don't have any sexual desire at all but just hang on and your brain will get better with time. even months.
The other day I read an article that talked about HOCD, It said that you naturally know your sexual orientation. you feel it, That if you feel that you're actually straight or gay that is the orientation that you really are. But that with HOCD you feel confused.
In my case I actually feel straight, I feel I should live with a girl the rest of my life, have kids. I feel that to be natural. I could never thing of marring a guy, or cuddling with one.
I think that HOCD took my confidence out. the confidence of sexually exploring myself and share that experience with anyone. I just feel judged, also because i'm very skinny. I also feel that my sexual attraction to anyone is simply gone. I only get really exited with porn. this will only change if you quit and a good sexual life will appear. you should get this in your head and just hope for the best.
when you start thinking about this issue or when you get aroused by gay images just "observe" the thought in your head. realize that you're having it and let it go. Do something else and try to go out at night with anyone even if they are not your friends. try meeting new people.
I hope this helps in any way
happy 2013 dude, If you wan't to talk about anything just don't doubt to ask. I hope we can talk about this and just go through it together

Thank you so much for your words thel00ker!!
I will try do what you suggest (I mean it). It's very very hard since it's a tough period for me (for several reasons.. college etc) but I would really like to solve this problem.
I am skinny too and this hasn't helped me to gain self-confidence.. on the contrary it has worsen the entire situation.
Sure, I would really like to go through this situation with you! At least I am not alone facing this awful thing...
And a happy 2013 to you,too!!

Monile, I'm writing to see how you've been doing, and I wan't to tell you how I have been doing.
I stopped watching porn around 2 maybe 3 months ago, at first I came back to it a few times until i got to the right mindset, specially after talking to you for the last time.
when I stopped at the beginning I thought that after all I was gay, all I wanted to do was to come back to the porn and keep looking at guys. That was the main reason I doubted about my whole theory. but as hocb works I literally tried my best for not paying attention to these thoughts. I again tried to convince that I was rationalising the whole thing and that I should go back to porn BUT once again I tried not to pay much attention.
to my surprise my attraction to guys decreased, I los't a lot of interest. and although my interest for girls didn't come back at least I wasn't paying too much attention to guys. Then I was not attracted to boys or girls, I was really confused, I felt horny but couldn't masturbate tu anything. The image of boys made me feel guilty and the body of girls didn't do anything.

then I went on vacations (It's summer here) and I met a girl that I had already talked before during the year. the thing is that my friends convinced me that I should move forward and talk to her again during a party. I have to admit I was a little high lol, but we danced and talked for a long time. I kissed her and had an amazing time during the 3 or 4 following days with her. It was really really fun. I became more and more relaxed with the whole thing as time wen't by and at the end I enjoyed heavy kissing and touching and a very very strong desire to have sex with her that had never felt in my entire life.

The thing is that some curious things happened during these days. first of all I didn't felt very attracted to her before seeing her, I't was like if my body didn't want to have the experience or make contact. I convinced myself that "she was not the right one" to be with, etc etc. I realized that that is your brain acting up against you, the moment I started talking and kissing her I experienced an excitement that I had never felt before, I was beautiful, my body guided my mind, not the other way around. This excitement was way more powerful than any kind porn, I really felt attracted to her body, wanted to touch it, experience it, kiss it, lick it. something i never knew I had inside me. It was really fun.
I thought I would be ashamed of my body in some way, specially for being very skinny. But at the moment that was the least of my concerns, I payed attention only to her, to her lips, mouth, body etc. Don't know why but I also thought that some sort of magical attraction to boobs and ass would appear but it never did, I mean I love to touch them but It's not something that appeals to me like other guys. my attraction to girls is different now, I discovered that you don't are not supposed to love tits and ass to have an amazing sexual experience. I thought that for being straight you needed to get turned on by girls pictures etc, but apparently This is not true at all. I am pleased to say that If i found the right girl I can actually have a full relationship both physical and sentimental like i always wanted.

Right now i still can't masturbate without porn efficiently, I have a lot of trouble focusing but I think it is something that will eventually go away. my attraction to guys still appears from time to time but its not something that bothers me. I have to say that real life experience is way better than anything now, even if I didn't think so before.

my advice is, get some real life experience now!, just wait till you get some more confidence and go out to experience with real people. It is the bes't treatment you can go through. It clears out lots of doubts. If you're looking for a girl she doesn't need to be perfect, I was really picky before but this also taught me that you can have a great time with someone that does not meet ALL your needs. relax, just go out and talk, you don't need to push anything but you will slowly realize how clean your mind get's when you start interacting with people, ignoring stupid thoughts and when you realize that you can have a great time with girls. just focus on meeting and talking with people and you will get to know things about your body that you never expected. but be careful your mind will try to avoid this all the time, just don't listen to yourself and enjoy.
how is your day to day life is? have any friends? are you studying something?
well dude have a great time, don't worry it can get better. I send you a big hug lol, talk to you soon

Hello, my name is Lee. I'm 24 and have struggled with this issue for many years. I know its been a while since anyone has posted but its been so helpful and relieving reading all the replies and realizing I'm not alone!
Very briefly, I am attracted to the male body (more muscular/fit type) but I've never and still dont want to be with a guy. Even trying to imagine it makes me gag (no offense to anyone if thats your thing). i want to be with a woman, have a wife, kids, all that stuff but I feel....broken if you will because the male attraction is there.
I'm a very late bloomer and expirementation is out of the question, as far as actual sex is concerned. Im from a Christian family so they think its a sin/hellbound so I cant talk to them about it. Im a Christian as well (no I dont discriminate especially towards sexual orientation since I understand the confusion and sorry for anyone who's judged you because of such) but I for myself don't want pre-marital sex. I've had a few girlfriends but we've always broken up because I wouldnt put out.
All this to say I love and agree with what you've had to say about everything, particularly porn, since that pretty much sums up my struggle. I will do my best to not watch porn or entertain male images and see what happens.
Thanks again for all your replies guys!