@J-confused,
Hey, J-Confused. I must say, I've struggled with pretty much the exact same things you have within the last few years of my life. When I was younger, I had girlfriends and never had any feelings for guys. I dated several girls and kissed most of them. I really enjoyed my time with them and liked kissing them. However, within the years I've gone through puberty, I've been greatly confused. I am now 19 and trying to figure out what my preferences are. I'll admit that looking at a naked male's body turns me on a lot of the time, and thinking about that person masturbating or anything like that REALLY turns me on. I even sometimes fantasize about masturbating with that person and it turns me on as well. However, the actual act of sex makes me feel disgusted. I have no desire to actually sleep with a man, just maybe to experiment (which I hear is pretty normal during the teen years, anyway). And, just like you, masturbating after those thoughts or viewing anything like that always makes me feel "drained," not satisfied. I feel dirty.
As Len747 said, I think maybe a lot of the reason this may be true for a lot of guys, and why people struggle with their sexuality so much during the teen years, when your libido is highest, is because they can empathize more. Like, if I think about a male friend of mine masturbating, I know exactly what that feels like, and since I know what it feels like, I think about what it feels like, and it turns me on. However, for a woman, I have no idea what it feels like for them to masturbate or to participate in any other sexual activity. Also, I have never had sex or "made out" with a woman, so I don't have that point of reference either. I think a lot of it is that we associate penises with the feelings of pleasure, and thus any time we see one, we think of those feelings and get "turned on."
As you, and a couple other guys in this thread have mentioned, I myself can't imagine myself growing old with a man. I enjoy hanging out with my guy friends, but I don't think I would enjoy being married to one. I find myself extremely attracted to the women-esque personality. I've never had a "crush" on a man, I know that much for sure. But, I do know I've had crushes on women. In fact, just this last year, I had a crush on a girl and went on a date with her. Simply getting a hug at the end of the date made my heart beat so quickly that I couldn't walk back to my dorm room, I HAD to jog. I know that sounds silly, but I was just so excited, I couldn't be calm. Haha. So, I know for a fact that I'm at least romantically attracted to women.
I always have found women hot. I've always been able to tell which are good-looking and I've found myself staring at some before. I've never looked at a guy and thought he was "hot," but I'll admit within the last year, I often haven't been able to resist looking at the area of a guy's "junk". I think the reason for that, though, is that I've only just started living in a dorm this last year, and they have communal showers. I've looked around a little bit and compared, and noticed my penis -- at least my flaccid penis -- is smaller than most guys (I'm mid-average erect), and I think this has made me a little self-conscious, so I've been walking around thinking, "He's probably bigger than me" over and over. But I don't like to do it, and as soon as I catch myself doing it, I get a terrible feeling of being ashamed and I feel awful for a couple minutes following. I feel like I'm invading someone's privacy by even imagining a comparison... But, back to my "always found women hot"spiel, when it comes to thinking of sexual things, I just don't really know how I would feel during sex with a women, and I think that's what causes so much confusion. It's funny because sometimes I "know" I'm gay, then sometimes I "know" I'm straight. It's very much the proverbial "roller-coaster" that I am traveling on.
Just as a last word of encouragement to you, you don't sound gay to me. You sound like a guy who is simply going through puberty and his hormones are going crazy. You mentioned that you find penises gross? To me, that doesn't sound like a gay man. You can look at other guys and find them as attractive people without being gay. Being able to recognize good looks is not a characteristic of being gay, it's just a characteristic of being human. So, it could be possible that you're more envious of those men than attracted to them. Oftentimes it's hard to separate those two feelings, because (in my case) they can often create very similar sensations.
I know this has become a jumbled mess of a message, but I wanted to encourage you as well as vent a little bit about my feelings. I could keep talking about and giving reasons why I don't think I'm gay, but I fear that it will just seem as though I am rationalizing. I hope this at least makes a little bit of sense and makes you feel a little better, because I know it can be very hard struggling with this kind of thing.
