Sexually attracted to men but romantically attracted to women?

Thanks SO much, BabToTheBone. I really appreciate all the time you took to type out your message. It's helped me a lot. I can never trust myself, I always have to have confirmation from someone else. I know that's bad, but...it helps to have someone else who knows what I'm going through tell me what they think.

And thank you, too, G4563S. That's really good advice. Something that frustrates me is that I want to be able to accept myself for who I am, but I feel like it's hard if I don't know who I am! And sometimes I feel like I may be gay, and I try to accept it, but then I start thinking I must actually be straight! I just wish my mind could...make up its mind.

But again, thank you both. ^^

Yeah, no problem. It was therapeutic for me just to type it out!

"Sometimes I feel like I may be gay, and I try to accept it, but then I start thinking I must actually be straight!"

You wording that phrase right there made me think of "getting closure." It's so hard going back and forth and not knowing your sexual identity because we as human beings desire closure. Without a definitive answer, we keep trying to justify our motives and actions in our minds, and it leads to a never-ending emotional battle; constantly trying to explain to ourselves why we felt that way, or who we looked at that way is a draining task and leaves little room for any kind of other emotional/mental capacity. It's the not knowing that is just so difficult...

hey J-confused!

its a little comforting to know there are tons of people like u and me. but it goes back to the question which is on our minds constantly, "who am I, really?"

for the past few years (3 years), i have been going through what u are going through right now, u r like an exact "twin" in terms of our emotions, feelings etc. it all started after i started liking this girl, and i really liked her, loved her actually, i knew i loved her, because, i cudnt let her go through knowing if the guy she likes (if she did) is a bisexual/gay, like how some girls would feel, in a way its not fair/its like cheating or something. i rmm u said in one of ur replies, it might not be fair to the girl if the guy has sexual attraction towards men.

then this "worry" grew bigger, and it came to a point where it was fear, like fear i wudnt be able to sexually please a girl, and i found myself less and less attracted ti girls, i never thought about all this before i liked the girl, i guess i really liked the girl, and thats why i started thinking about all this.

i have had sexual encounters with males, and they were good, at least some of them, and once i made out with a girl, but we didnt have sex or anything. it was equally amazing.

so i have been doing lots of thinking for the past 3 years, and right now, i am still thinking of only dating girls, marrying a girl, growing old with a woman etc. have kids and all. and i did give a thought about dating guys, and did try it, in the sense like, i registered on a dating website, and actually try it, but it wasnt fulfilling, didnt make me happy.

this whole thing is messing up my whole life. and i hope u sort out things real soon too, just felt like sharing my thoughts.

thanks for listening! and just a suggestion, u shud start experimenting what sexually excites you, at least by watching porn? idk, it could help you decide?

@j-confused

Wow, I thought I was the only one, I'm a bit younger (16)
So ever since I was young I've dated girls and I have been in love with them but for the first time my previous girlfriend brought up having sex, I thought about it but I realized that I've never thought of a girl in a sexual way, but I have thought of guys in a sexual way, although when I thought about a relationship and sex with a guy it seemed wrong, the thought of having sex with a guy doesnt seem right to me, especially seeing as I've always thought of spending my life with a girl and being happy with a girl. Because I had thought of guys in a sexual way I thought I must be gay but never actually being in-love with a guy changed my mind but all it really did was confuse me because I don't know what I want and even though being young a serious relationship isn't something to worry about at this stage of my life but I know it will at some stage in the future.
So anyways I've never thought about experimenting with guys for a few reasons, 1 because of how my family and friends would react and 2, the fear of what people would think about me, I know that I shouldn't worry about what people would think but I know it would really hurt to get teased about it and not be accepted by anyone anymore.
Getting back to what I was talking about near the start, my girlfriend asking about sex, I said yes and when it came time I couldn't get "in the mood" if you know what I mean, and it was really awkward because she wasn't a virgin and this was new to both of us and I really wanted to have sex but I just couldn't and that really brought me down. We broke up because of other reasons not relating to sex, but I know when I have another girlfriend this problem will happen again and I don't just not want to have sex for all my life because I think that would be a bit sad, especially when it comes to making a family and all that but I don't see myself being able to have a long-term relationship with a girl if we can't have sex, I really don't know what to do because I still have that thought of not knowing if I'm gay or not in the back of my mind.
Suggestions from anyone would be appreciated.

By the age of 16, almost everyone has had a couple of crushes. Have you had crushes on guys or girls?

Yes, I've had quite a few crushes on girls and I think only once I've had a crush on a guy, but the guy I had a crush on was only because of his looks and nothing to do with his personality and what not.

Thanks to everyone for their replies. ^^ It really helps to know that there are others going through the same thing as me. I really appreciate all of your advice and support.

@johnk14: I have to say...I find porn, of any kind (that I've seen)...boring. It just seems so...I dunno...robotic? xD Maybe I just haven't seen anything really good.

@annonymousman123: It sounds like you're in pretty much the same situation as me. Although I've never had a girlfriend (not because I don't want one, but because I feel too embarrassed to date until I move out of my parents' house). I don't know how I would be if I tried to have sex with a girl...I really think I could do it, although the female body doesn't really arouse me as much, I still think the closeness and emotion of it all would be better. But don't give up...if what you want is to be with a girl, and it makes you happy, I think you should do it. What's most important is that you're happy with the way you're living.

I've become a bit more open to the idea of being with a guy, but only sexually. I still don't like the thought of dating a guy...I just don't feel as comfortable around them. But the biggest reason is I just hate the thought of not being able to be with a girl, being their special someone.

hey J-confused. I'm in a similar position to you. Do you think you guys could give me your opinion if you think im bi or not? I'm guessing it started when I was 14, I was interested in girls but i saw some boys walking around and thinking they were quite hot. Its like this on holiday, I'll see some topless guy and think he's quite hot, and i can imagine myself doing sexual stuff with them. When i was in Scouts some guy had me pressed against a wall and i thought he was going to kiss me but i was really nervous and excited but i REALLY wanted him to do it. Now im 17, i still look around and see if there are any nice looking guys around. Ive had secret crushes on both girls and guys, I dont no if im bi, or if it is just hormones.

Hi J-confused! I've read your story and I was quite shocked because I can relate a lot to it. You're not alone. That's for sure. Okay, mine is a bit different but I try to summarise it here. First of all sorry for the mistakes I am not an English native speaker!

I'm a 23 years old guy and like you I feel I am quite sexually attracted to men. I've never been with a girl (and I've never been with a boy neither). I rejected some girls that wanted to date me because I didn't like them and I've been rejected by others who I actually liked a lot. Two years ago an episode like this happened and everything get worse. I started thinking about being bisexual (I know I am attracted to girls), and I started looking for confirmations. I made the mistake to look for bi porn and since there are few bi pornos I ended up looking at gay porn. I discovered I felt it quite arousing and I still watch it but it's not always a pleasure because everytime I finished watching it I feel so guilty, so dirty and so ashamed. Moreover, in real life I am not attracted to guys at all. A kid when I was younger tried to kiss me but I avoided it, I didn't want to. And when I am with guys even if they are handsome I don't want to have sex with them or kiss them. I have nothing against bi/gay people of course (I have also some friends who are openly gay) but it's just that it's not for me. I don't feel the same way as when I am with a girl. It's totally different. With guys I feel nothing. But when I am online I feel so attracted to man2man sex. But I am not attracted to the body itself (I mean I don't enjoy looking at naked men pictures.. they say nothing to me).

Since I suffer from OCD, I thought I might have a form of HOCD (Homosexual anxiety). I've read something and the symptomps are very similar to mine. Plus a gay porn addiction

I told you that my situation is a bit different but we have something in common. I still question my sexuality and this period has been very very tough for me. I don't know who I am and I am obsessed with finding a solution and an explanation. I just wanted to say you are not the only one

it makes sense I guess, and Im glad you posted this,,
I love women and I ablsolutely love having sex with women, but sometimes I see guys that I find to be so beautiful, that I end up having a crush on them, this has happened to me only twice before in my life, and its happening to me now,
I dont want to have sex with the guy, but I want to be around him all the time, sometimes it makes me uncomfortable that I think about him so much, but Ive learned to accept the way I feel about him,, funny thing is, if he was a girl, I would ask him out, LOL
hope that helps you along your road to self discovery
it sure helped me....

Wow, This is weird but what you described here is me! Let me know if you wanna talk or text. I am so glad that i am not the only one!

Hi guys! Hope this thread is still opened! I just wanted to add that my situation si changed a little. I am still in a total confused mess but I started chatting with some guys I met online, because I wanted to meet other guys like me.. with sexual identity crisis and I also wanted to meet some bisexual guys who could give me their suggestions/advices. To be honest I was so depressed I thought I wanted to find myself in a "hot situation" with a guy to see what I could actually do (if I wanted to kiss him or doing something more). That's why I registered to an online dating website and some guys got in touch with me.. I found some nice guys who listened to all my worries and thoughts and I met one this week. He's a nice guy and he listened to what I had to say but I don't know.. that encounter didn't give me much relief. I wasn't attracted to him even if we were at a park.. so there wasn't the atmosphere to do something.
The fact is that I don't see myself with a guy doing something with him.. it's too gross. And I'd hate to do that as my first time (since I've never been with a girl).

These last days I was very very depressed and I couldn't bare this secret.. so I told about it to a close (male) friend of mine, who's been very supportive and this morning I told about it to my sister (it has been so difficult but it has been a relief...). Both of them made me think that the emotional aspect counts very much when you are attracted to someone (even if both of them said they'd be totally cool even if I'd discover I am actually bisexual).

The thing is that I would like to be with a girl, not a guy. But this worry has been so heavy these last months that I just wanted to try and see what it's like. I also thought that if I am really bisexual I would have felt an emotional attraction to a guy (during ALL my life...) since I am a romantic guy. But that's never happened and I also think I would have done something with a guy.. at least I would have enjoyed their company very much.

So, it's a very difficult situation and a tough period for me. It's also affecting my concentration on my studies and this is really bad. I'd like to chat more with you guys.. since we are all in a similar situation we could give strengh one to another!

GOod to know theres other out there like me. I love women and intend on having a wife and kids. but sexually im more attracted to men. Its so strange i can look at and be turned on by a guy but AS SOON As i pleasure myself or even after we've messed around it turns to some sort or guilt. which ive never had this feeling when masterbaiting to or having sex with a woman. I really dont know what to take it as.

This post made my night. I am also 21 years old and have been going through pretty much the same thing. Although I have not been in a relationship with a girl but have tried and haven't found that one yet, I know that is what I want eventually, a relationship with a women. I have had my share of experiences with men and I find some sexually attractive. As you do, I always feel awful for the things I do with men and the even thinking of men sometimes when masturbating. The thing is women do the trick to but no as well. But in all of that I can never picture or bring myself to be in a relationship with a man. I just want to say thank you for assuring me that I am not the only one having the same issue.

I have to admit that this post is amazing, I am 18 years old and have been going though the same situation for the last 5 years or so. I have been reading this page since almost it's beginning and it has been a relief, so thank you for that, and get ready for my bad english.
I consider myself a very observant person, so in my case tend to pay much more attention to thoughts than to my body causing me to be very skinny and have very little muscle. I live in south america where having a great body is quite normal here and of course very desired, Being so skinny doesn't make me fit into that category, at least in my view. I found out with time that when masturbating I found myself getting sexually attracted to guys with the characteristics i desired in my own body, guys with muscled legs and generally a nice body. I am not attracted at all to skinny guys like me. I found this to be some sort of reason for my attraction to guys.
At the age of 13 I starting masturbating with a male friend that had all these characteristics, his body was amazing and i felt very exited when being with him he was sexy as hell and i masturbated thinking about him lots of times, the thing is that i never ever fell in love with him. It was only sexual desire.
When i was 14 I had a girlfriend which i never kissed that lasted around 3 months lol, but in that time i really thought i loved her, I loved being with her and many times had the desire to kiss her, I just never had the balls to do it. All of this was a little contradictory to me, On one hand I had fallen in love with this girl, but at the same time I preferred watching a guy masturbate rather than a girl. In that moment I did not see it as a problem, having sex was not my greatest issue and not a very important objective in my life. At the moment i thought of myself as being bisexual and found that to be quite cool. A guy that is okay with being with both boys and girls is amazing, you get twice the amount of people to be with, lol, and i found this answer comforting.
But this started bothering me as I grew up, me and all my friends where starting to go out to parties. all my friends kissed girls, they had a sexual motivation to look for them, I didn't .
I was was very attracted sexually to boys, I had crushes with girls but i got neither of one in the real life. I went to parties with the single objective of kissing girls. But the lack of sexually attraction stopped me, I become obsessed with the idea of kissing girls because I thought that was what I was supposed to do at that age., I read everything I could about seduction, but at the moment of seducing I did nothing about it. I preferred to stay neutral and I was't very very troubled about it. I had never kissed a boy or a girl, and obviously nothing further than that.
After this a thought started haunting me all day long, how was I supposed to get married and have kids if I wasn't sexually attracted to my own wife. I started thinking that I was gay and i was ok with the idea, I knew that the people I cared about would still love me. but although I have sexual attraction I had never fallen in love with a guy, The thought of a relationship with one had no sense to me either. This continued for a long time. I had the chance to go to a psychologist but i told her about this the day before i moved so i didn't had the chance to talk about it much. She just told me to observe in detail what i was feeling, and to watch how this progressed over time.
I realised that when going to parties I didn't what to get really sexual whit neither of boys or girls. Only when i was alone and horny I thought about guys, this only applied few times in the "real life". These "homosexual" thoughts occurred mostly when I was alone. On the real life, when I was in contact with friends that were sexy to me, I only watched their bodies with the thought of being able to have that body, that was attractive to girls. I sometimes got aroused too when thinking about it.
1 month ago I wen't to this party, a girl sat next to me, and started talking. she got close and we eventually made out. We kissed all nigh, and I have to admit I had a great time. I got aroused and found out that kissing a girl was amazing and sexy.
I thought that the homosexual thoughts would go away after this experience but they didn't, I found myself in the exact same position as before. But I got to this conclusion: I was clearly not good at getting physical mainly because i did not trust my own body, I did not find it attractive to girls. I just needed someone like this girl to push me a little bit to actually get to it. During my whole life I had been planning how to get a girl but i never did anything to actually do it. I have learned that maybe the solution to this problem is to actually go out and try to get a girl, or a guy if that what you desire. Staying home and thinking about it doesn't actually solve anything. You will learn what you like by actually experiencing it. I guess it's like buying clothes online, you never know if it will really fit you unless you go out and try it. As I'm not very good at following my own advice, this is quite hard for me to do, but at least I have a clear objective.
Right now, I know that I am only sexually attracted to guys, I't really hard for me to find a girl that i really like, but i know that it is there somewhere. I also know that I can get aroused with girls although it's not the easiest thing to to. I have to find someone that I really trust, someone that takes that sexual being from inside me and that makes me feel that my body is ok, because lately I have been getting more aroused and I am confused about what to masturbate to when im horny. this may seem stupid but it's actually very confusing lol. I just have to try again to find another girl like this one and get really more experienced. Get real life feedback about my sexuality not just thoughts. That i think it's one of the ways of getting out of this.
Really sorry for the long post, hope you got my point
And Thank you very very much for creating it, I't helped a lot

It is such a relief to see that I'm not alone in these confusing feelings. I am visually sexually attracted to men (only ones I find extremely attractive), romantically and visually attracted to women (want kids etc and women get me) , but not physically in real life attracted to either. I really dont want someone touching me. Like I can enjoy gay porn but would never want to be in that physical situation, just watch. I've too only made out with women but have never gone farther because I'm not sexually attracted to them. I'm 26 and I've been feeling this way probably since 12.

I really don't like labeling, but I feel that I have an identity crisis thing going on. Is there a such thing as bi-aesexuality? Am I just a voyeur that likes to watch and fantasize? When people ask I say I'm aesexual but the fact that I find pleasure in watching men but can only see myself with a woman mean I'm bisexually confused or bicurious? These are definitely questions I have constantly contemplated. But I'm trying
to accept that I'm just me and that human sexuality is a VERY confusing thing.

I also have questions of guilt while being with a woman. I mean , if I date a woman and she believes I'm straight is it unfair to lead her on while I'm still only sexually attracted to men? That is a main reason why I don't date.

And by the way a big thanks to everyone who has posted on here. Its been a good read and nice to know I'm not alone.

I came back to check this topic...sorry I didn't come back sooner.

I'm 19 now, and in college. Honestly, nothing in my situation has really changed.

But reading everyone's posts has really made me feel better about myself. Thank you, it's so good to know I'm not alone. You all are real friends.

@thel00ker: You weren't stupid at all, you sound exactly like me!
I'm honestly only attracted to physically attractive guys, with nice bodies and faces. I'm really skinny (and I kinda hate it), and I don't like imagining myself with a guy because I always feel like I'm too small!

With girls, it's kinda different, but I still don't get as aroused when imagining myself. Unless I imagine myself older and bigger, like the kind of guys I feel attracted to.

I'm still too scared to experiment...I'm starting to feel more comfortable with the idea of dating a girl, which is a big step! I can really see myself with a girlfriend, and...I love the idea. I still want to have a wife and maybe children. But I'm positive I want female companionship more than male companionship.

Again, thank you all for posting.

Yeah, I never had much confidence in myself sexually, I don't feel as strong, powerful or man enough to be with any girls. I can't really feel that I can satisfy them. But Im starting to realize that when you start to experiment you don't need to be this type of guy. I have lots of contradictory thoughts about this but it is true.
I sometimes find girls that are actually attracted to me, but I convince myself that They are not. I can talk to them without any problems at all, actually they all tell me that i'm funny and that I look like a cool guy. but I realize that my body is scared about getting physical and specially because this lack of confidence I can't move forward.
Right now I stopped watching porn and really started getting more social, I'm trying to go out more, being with friends both girls and boys. And just tried to stop thinking too much about this issue. I think the real life interactions will point me in the right direction. And even I'f I sometimes doubt I just don't pay attention to the thought and move on. I just want to have fun and enjoy my youth. My body will tell me, given the right time what I am really attracted to. i think it's really really important to EXPERIMENT and stop thinking too much about whether If what you are doing is wright or wrong and connect to your body by doing exercise and taking care of it.
@J-confused you should totally try dating, even if you are not comfortable with it at first. Just connect with your body and pay attention to everything it feels.
I suck at following my own advice but I think that if you do this things will at least start pointing in the wright direction. And you will be more comfortable with yourself.
I seriously admire you for creating this post, I'm so happy that there are other people like me.
Just stop thinking and start doing, even if you have to get a little drunk or high to erase those thoughts lol. be safe dude. I will let you know how things moved on and I hope you do so too.
Cheers