Ark Building 101

Pigs? They had unclean pigs on the ark? No wonder they didn't make it to a sensible place like Colorado.

Roberta, no, stop, DO NOT use Elmer's Glue. It's water resistant, not waterproof. It'll last for awhile, but not 40 days and nights. No matter the temptation, don't use duct tape either. I know from experience that if you're trying to stick it to something wet, it'll just slide right off, contraindicated for fllood use. Now gaffer's tape, on the other hand, gaffer's tape will stick to anything, which is why all the media use it for building sets aand running systems. Hard to find it, though, but fortunately you're in luck because, if you;ve been hearing hammerins and sawing noises from down the block, it's because I sold the movie and video rights for you--twice in fact. The Discovery Channel and National Geographic got into a bit of a bidding war (I'll split the take with you when we all come back down to land), and they're hard at work on two video boats and they'll be glad to lend you some--after all, you're gonna be their star. Oh and be sure to take along a male and a female HDTV, so we can breed more to watch the finished epic once it's edited.

Well, hell, it's a start. Accentuate the positive.

I'd like to get Cyracuz in on this anyhow; he'd probably have a philosophical viewpoint we could all relate to.

What's with all the pigs and porkchops? Noah didn't keep kosher?

Andy, Noah might have kept kosher. I don't.

THIS IS NOT BIBLICAL. This is just me trying to save the animals. No voices. No gopher wood. No cubits. Don't know if it will rain for forty day or ten days or sixty days.

Jack, I'll stay away from the Elmer's Glue. Thanks for the tip, you presumptuous poysin you. I'm not interested in selling the rights. (Now that I won't need it, I finally get some money.) I'm gonna be the only human on the ark. (Get out your scuba gear, kid.)

I'm planning on being around for a short time after we land (on the Chrysler Building). I'll make sure that the predators don't go hunting until there are enough animals so that they won't deplete the supply. I'll also try to get them back to where they started from.

Then I'll probably croak. And the world will be left to the beasties. No humans to screw things up.

Too bad we won't be around in a few hundred thousand years to see how things evolve.

Jack, Don't think I don't appreciate your efforts. I do. Try to get an advance from both productions. You can live high until the floods come, and I'll be able to pay for some planks and caulk. I'll also be able to shmear the doorman for taking care of all the A animals hanging out in the lobby.

Cogitating.

I probably won't be the only human left. Too many boats.

Well, as one of my favorite poets said, "The best laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley."

Can't take too many people with me. I need room for the animals.

If you take extra kangaroos, perhaps they can fit some of the smaller animals in their pouches.

Signed,

Just trying to be helpful but I am runnin' for the White Mountains o' New Hampshire once the flooding starts

That means you'll have to have huge freezers and therefore electricity supply to freeze food for the predators. Some of them, of course, need live food, so you'll have to take lots of extra prey stuf....like worms and cockroaches and mosquitoes and maggots and all.

Ark planning is tough.

Electricity for the refrigeration and freezer units shouldn't be a problem as there will soon be plenty of solar panels floating around...apparently in the greening of New York, they didn't secure the new solar panels to the roofs so Roberta can get them as the ark sets sail and they are floating by.

Glad somebody else remembered food supplies will be needed. Birds supply eggs and several animals (goat, cow, sheep) can offer milk or help turn the product towards cheese, yogurt, sour cream and butter....it's known that bears are excellent butter churners.

Then again, if others are building their arks as well, they can help build some ships for supplies.

Yeah, but you gotta watch them and the honey and the bee hives and the grubs and the ... . Whoa, I can see a whole lot of species going succinctly extinct.

It hasn't rained for an entire day!

I might be jumping the gun here, but in the words of Emily Latella (from the original SNL), never mind.

If it starts raining again, I'll be back.

Gosh, I don't know. If I were you, I wouldn't wait for it to start raining again. An ark is a handy thing to have around. You know -- just in case. I'd still build the damn thing, rain or no rain.

Btw, how'd you fare during the earthquake?

I think I was asleep. I missed the whole thing. Or I thought it was the subway.

Raining again big time. Flooding reports on the news. Many rivers in the metropolitan area are flooding.

C'est la vie. I guess I'll drown.

Water water everywhere and not a drop for Texas.

We'll mail it to you. Will Rick Perry accept a COD?

Or a cod fish. We're not picky.

Oh look...never mind, it only lasted a few seconds, the sun made an appearance then went into hiding again.

Sturgis, The heavens opened and sheets of water fell from the sky. I couldn't see across the street. Wee hours of the morning.

Enough already with the weather reports! How's the furschlugginer ark coming along is what I wanna know.

Andy, This happened before the hurricane. To hell with the ark. I got other stuff to do.