Helping partner return to sex

My first reaction right or wrong is that with all the guys in the world why are you starting a relationship with a man that seem in need of heavy mental health counseling to get his sexuality in a more normal track.

Do you have a record/pattern of getting involved with men that you can see yourself as acting as a rescuer to them in some manner or other?

Both men and women have that I can be a rescuer weakness and in almost all cases it end up badly for the would be rescuer.

Suggest you consider runing not walking away from this relationship now.

This is an issue that came up after we met. I'm not one to be a crutch for someone but otherwise this guy is really great. I'm not looking for relationship advice per se but links or book titles that I can forward to him so he can help himself figure it out. Just want to be a good boyfriend and return the favor so to speak.

Why was your friend celibate for 10 years?

This site might be helpful
Porn induced erectile dysfunction
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Mens-Health/22-with-porn-induced-erectile-dysfunction/show/469209

On the same site are other threads dealing with porn addiction and loss of interest/libido when with actual partners.

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I may be wrong and porn may be his problem but most males start looking at porn long before their first real life sexual encounters with no ill effects resulting.

In any case, the man need professorial mental health counseling so the problem can be pin pointed and treated.

To under take helping him in a self help program is similar to reading the Merck manual and deciding on not only the disease but the course of treatment without getting a doctor in the loop.

The opening post suggests that porn may be the problem and that it has possibly been substituted for real life sexual interactions. Pornography can be quite addictive and excessive reliance on porn can interfere with sexual functioning with a partner. The link I previously posted is a self-help thread which deals with that sort of problem.

I don't think you are qualified to jump to the conclusion that this man needs "professorial (professorial? ) mental health counseling". This may well be a situation where self help can be very effective. The link I posted contains concrete suggestions for dealing with this problem which seem to have worked well for others.

You are ignoring the fact that the opening poster said he is not seeking relationship advice, nor does he seem to be seeking medical advice. He asked for books or links which his friend might find helpful in dealing with this problem. I supplied such a link.

If a self-help approach does not work, then the person might consider consulting a professional who specializes in the treatment of sexual dysfunctions. But there is certainly no harm in trying a self-help approach as an initial step.

On what ground do you assume that treating a major mental health problem in such a manner might not end up doing more harm to that man then in helping him?

What training do you have to state the there is certainly no harm in trying a self-help approach first?


Sorry dear but a physical healthily male who did not have sex for ten years for whatever reason and is now having great problems in having such a relationship with a loving partner is not in my opinion a case for self help even with the aid of that loving partner.

He should in my opinion be look at by a man or a woman train to deal with such problems not treated out of books.

Even a doctor does not diagnostic and treat his or her partner as the doctor is too emotional involved to safety do so and you are suggesting that the correct course of action in this is to have an untrained layperson who is emotional involved read a few books and then offer the man aid.

Now what is wrong with having him access train mental health experts instead of the course of actions you think is wise?

In most major communities such treatment/aid if not cover by his insurance can still be have on a sliding income scale if you look for it.

He was celibate because in his previous relationship a partner cheated and got aids so he swore it off for a long time.

As a side note this seems to be a bigger issue for him then it is to me I'm just trying to be the supportive boyfriend and hopefully give him the tools he needs to succeed even if this does involve a doctor and/or a sex therapist.

I'm not trying to play doctor or say that I will fix it. Hence I'm looking for information to give to him so he can do it or decide what his course of action needs to be dependent on how he sees the info.

And what training do you have to diagnose this man as suffering from "a major mental health problem"?

People can be celibate for many reasons, and, in and of itself, celibacy is not a sign of mental illness. You are making a personal value judgment which is uncalled for, particularly when you decide that those who don't share your values are mentally ill. Your assumptions may well be unwarranted.

And the person in question did not go without sex for 10 years, he simply did not use a partner for sexual arousal and satisfaction. He used pornography, and probably masturbation, for that purpose.

You also seem quite ignorant regarding the effects of pornography dependency/addiction and its often negative impact on subsequent sexual functioning with a partner. If you had bothered to read the thread I linked to in my previous post, you would have found posts by people dealing with the exact same problem--their excessive or long-term reliance on pornography and masturbation affected their ability to be sexually aroused by a real life partner. And the solution offered on that thread involves weaning oneself off porn and masturbation so those are no longer the primary sources of sexual arousal, satisfaction, and sexual release. Simply put, it is a re-learning process. It is not unlike an alcoholic who may have first begun drinking to feel better, but who must now stop drinking in order to find out how much better things feel when he is completely sober.

Most problems with dependency or addiction--alcohol, drugs, gambling, over-eating--are most successfully dealt with by a combination of self-help and group support, which is why 12 step programs and even groups like Weight Watchers have been so influential. And pornography dependence or addiction can be approached the same way. Individual mental health treatment is often the least effective way to deal with such dependencies.

So, I think resources like the link I posted earlier can be extremely helpful. In the particular thread I linked to, the posters were functioning as a support group for each other, they were encouraging each other, they could understand each other, they were giving each other suggestions, and they were reporting success in overcoming this particular pornography dependency problem and subsequently finding satisfaction in their sexual interactions with a real life partner. I'm sure there are many other similar resources on the internet which could be equally, or more, effective in helping someone to deal with the same issues. I'd suggest that Comet83 and his friend search them out and see which ones seem most helpful.

If self-help doesn't work, there are always mental health professionals and sex therapists who can be consulted. But, trying a self-help/group support approach is a good first step with a problem of this sort, and the internet does offer such resources .

Here is one interesting article discussing the effect of porn on one's sex life with a partner.
http://nymag.com/news/features/70976/

And here's another
http://goodmenproject.com/guy-talk/swearing-off-porn-saved-my-sex-life/

And this site has all sorts of useful info on how porn contributes to sexual dysfunction and how you can deal with the problem.
http://yourbrainonporn.com/

Ten years of no sex with a partner and great fear of having sex with a partner seem off hand a damn good reason to think that there is likely a serous mental health concerns similar to having a foot turn Gangrene in front of your eyes.

Oh well he is not my partner and if he wish to try to cut the foot off himself with a butter knife or whatever so be it.

Good luck to him.....................

Oh one other comment Firefly he had a partner in the past died of AID and that just might be the reason he fear the sex act not because he is hook on porn!!!!!

Using porn as a coping tool.

In any case good luck in self treatment in this matter..............

This is a question relating to your general statement above and not to the specific thread title: what is the success rate of these programs? From insurance statistics - recall medical insurers have to pay for these treatments - the percentage of alcoholics, obese, drug addicts, compulsive gamblers who get "cured" is under 10%. I've no statistics on sex-related disorders, but if they're comparable to the rest their failure rate is over 90% - hardly "successfully dealt with"!

Fear of dying due to the act of having sex seems off hands to be his problem not that he is addicted to porn.

But we are all laymen here and once more getting someone involved with the training to unwind his underlining problems seem to be the sane road to go down.

But what the hell he is not someone I know or care about so good luck in the self treatment program that Firefly approved of.

Never mind the exact diagnosis - he's suffering from some condition, and my question is, what are the chances of improvement / cure if he does follow the program prescribed by Firefly? It seems cruel to dispatch people to "cures" with 90%+ probability of failure; might they be better off if left as they are?

Now a problem that had to date resulted in a man withdrawing from sex for ten years and he is now having problems resuming such relationships with a new partner is well over any sane level of seriousness to trigger profession care.

No, medical insurers do not pay for self help/support group programs--the 12 step programs, groups like Weight Watchers, etc. which have been the most helpful in dealing with dependencies/addictions. As you note, medical approaches to such problems have been generally ineffective.

The good doctor Firefly is assuming that the gentleman problem is that he is addict to porn.

Something I do not see is proven by the information given on this thread.