@BillRM,
You are citing a study on obscenity and pornography that was done in 1970--long before the internet made pornography widely and continuously available.
You must be living in a vacuum if you are not aware that today porn addiction has become a significant (and sometimes costly) problem for a great many people, and, in addition, it can adversely affect sexual functioning with real life partners in various ways.
But, the pros and cons of pornography are not the issues in this thread. The issue is how long term reliance on pornography may have affected Comet83's friend and how he can now be helped to find equivalent sexual arousal and satisfaction with a real life partner.
So, stop defending porn--no one is trying to take your porn away from you. View it to your hearts content, and masturbate profusely, if that's what you want to do--no one is trying to cramp your life style.
Your repeated assumption that Comet83's friend is only suffering from a fear of contracting HIV, and that's why sex with a partner is less arousing and stimulating for him than pornography, is rather simplistic.
Do you honestly think that gay men do not think about, and openly discuss, such issues as STD's and precautions that need to be taken? Do you honestly believe that if fear of contracting HIV was the main problem with Comet83's friend that the two of them wouldn't have talked about that? So, why would Comet83 and his friend be attributing the problem to the effects of pornography dependence if fear of contracting HIV was the main issue?
In addition, you seem to be overlooking the fact that Comet83's friend previously was in a sexual relationship with a partner. So, we are not talking about someone with a life-long irrational fear of contracting HIV, a fear that was so great he would risk no direct sexual contact. But his former partner betrayed him by having sex outside of the relationship and that partner contracted HIV as a result. That Comet83's friend then chose to be celibate for the next 10 years might have been a reaction to being betrayed, rather than just a fear of contracting HIV. Not only did his former partner betray his trust, he did it in a way that could have lethal implications for both of them, which makes the impact of that betrayal all the more profound. That's more than enough to damage anyone's sense of trust, and, in that light, his choice to then remain celibate is very understandable as a reaction to being deeply wounded by someone he trusted who betrayed him.
But Comet83's friend is now in a new relationship, and in a relationship where he does want to enjoy sex with a partner, and that clearly suggests his sense of trust is returning. And Comet83's friend wants to overcome a problem that seems to be interfering with fulfilling and satisfying sex with that partner, again clearly suggesting that whatever fears he might have had previously have significantly diminished. And Comet83's friend clearly identifies his learned, long-term reliance on pornography for sexual arousal and stimulation--in a solitary context not involving a partner--as the current source of interference with good sexual functioning with his new partner. Not only does all of this not indicate a man with "major mental health" issues, as you have concluded, it indicates someone with rather good insight into the source of his current difficulties, and someone who is motivated to overcome those difficulties.
I can't help but think that your insistence on seeing this man as deeply disturbed, and consequently in such need of medical/psychiatric intervention that self-help approaches would be downright dangerous (you compared the seriousness of his difficulties to suffering from gangrene, and self help would be like trying to amputate a gangrenous limb with a butter knife) is really a reflection of your own negative feelings about gay men. You dismiss quite legitimate concerns about contracting HIV, particularly among gay men, as being almost silly, which does reflect some patronizing attitudes toward gays on your part. You obviously feel that gays do not have the capacity to emotionally grow, change, or overcome inter-personal problems through new learning or self-help--you see them as such emotional basket-cases that only professional or medical help is a safe intervention or approach. In all of this, I see considerable anti-gay feeling on your part. And don't bother telling me, "Some of my best friends are gay". For whatever reason, you don't see gays has having the same internal resources, or superior judgment, that you possess in dealing with their anxieties. They can't even recognize their real problems as well as you can. Your attitudes toward gays are, at best, patronizing, if not covertly contemptuous.
Self help approaches, particularly when accompanied by support groups, are the best initial course of action for the sort of problem that Comet83's friend appears to be experiencing. Only when these approaches fail to be effective is professional help needed. And that's true for most dependencies, addictions, compulsive behaviors and phobias. And that self help generally involves removing or stopping whatever behavior or substance consumption is involved and learning how to cope and function effectively without it. And the internet can provide a lot of good information on how to go about doing that as well as providing support groups to offer encouragement and assistance.
Comet83's friend has taken the first steps by getting involved in a relationship with Comet83, and by identifying the source of the problem in their sexual relationship, and by wanting to overcome the problem, and by asking for links or books he can read to better understand and deal with the problem. Whatever anxieties he had, or has, regarding trust issues in a relationship, seem to have diminished, and will likely continue to diminish, as the relationship grows and he continues to gain trust in Comet83--that's how that sort of healing happens after a betrayal in a previous relationship.
Now Comet83's friend has to try to eliminate pornography from his life if he wants to enhance his sexual functioning with his real life partner--just as he would have to eliminate drugs or alcohol, if those factors were interfering with his sexual functioning. That may not be easy, particularly initially, but there is a lot of good help out there, particularly on the internet. Most importantly, by reading the info available, Comet83's friend will find that many others have suffered from the same problem and have successfully overcome it, and that sort of knowledge can be very comforting and empowering.
