Funeral Question

Forums: Funerals, Relationships, Etiquette
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The father of two women who are on a volunteer organization's board with me just died. He was in hospice and had been ailing for a while.

The sisters asked that donations be made to our organization in their fathers' memory. (He was proud of their work with it.)

I've had some communication with the sister I'm closest to, especially re: making a donation page on our organization's website (I'm the webmaster there).

I found out through a third party though that the funeral will be tomorrow.

I'm a bit confused about my role... what would be most appropriate and respectful. I can't figure out if it would be better to go to the funeral or not. I was never specifically invited, and have never met this guy. I'm fairly close to one sister but just in a "work" sense, we don't socialize outside of stuff related to this organization.

I'm also the current president of this organization though, and should I show up in that capacity because of the donations?

I thought of sending flowers or something from our organization but that also seems a little weird -- people are sending us money and then we're turning around and spending it on flowers?

The sister I know better would only say "whatever you're most comfortable with" if I asked her, probably, though I wouldn't really want to bother her with that now anyway.

What are your thoughts?

Thanks.

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@sozobe,

I've already sent condolences via email and offered to do anything I could to help out, that resulted in the request for making the donations page.

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I think I'd just go, probably stand somewhat away.

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@sozobe,

I suggest you don't go, unless you really want to, and who would? After all, you weren't invited, and only found out the date from a third party, you don't seem to know the deceased, and it doesn't sound like you are especially close to the sisters.

Do notify the sisters of any donations made, of course.

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@sozobe,

sozobe wrote:

I was never specifically invited, and have never met this guy. I'm fairly close to one sister

show up
no flowers

(I don't think I've been "specifically" asked to attend a funeral other than Cav's - generally you just show up because you're close to a family member in some way)

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I'd go. It's a sign of respect to both the living and the dead.

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@sozobe,

I wouldn't go unless you think your presence will help them cope with their grief or help you with your own.

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@sozobe,

I think you should definitely go especially as you are the current president of the organistion. I think you should go as the representative of the organistion and also as a sign of respect to the gentlemen and his daughters.
I don't know about not being invited though ....in this part of the world you don't get invited to a funeral unless its specified as a private one. So I don't know the usual etiquette where you are.

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Some funeral homes place charitable donation boxes at the service so people can make their donations at that time if they choose to.

If this is what is being arranged, it might be nice to have a representative (you) from the organization there.

You don't need an invite. If you want to go, then do so. If you don't want to go, I don't think anyone would think it inappropriate that you didn't.

When my dad died, we didn't specifically invite anyone to his funeral. We placed the funeral notice in his local paper and had a huge crowd of people just show up at the cemetery from all over the state. Most were related or were neighbors to him, his brothers and sister, or their children, and people he grew up with. His buddies from the local chapter of the American Legion also showed up with a color guard from the military.

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Thanks much, everyone.

I haven't been to many funerals. I think my grandma's was the only one in fact. I did the eulogy for that but wasn't involved in the planning, and wasn't sure about the whole invitation aspect. I don't want to impose.

I definitely wouldn't be going to help with their grief (we're not close enough, and they have many many people who are closer who could be helpful), or mine (nonexistent except for in the abstract). But the representation/ respect element resonates.

I'd still like to do some sort of recognition but am having the damndest time deciding what. An "in memoriam" page on the website, unprompted?

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@sozobe,

I dont like condolences by e mail. When its a "work closeness" (imposed v chosen), I will make a contribution and send a card from our family.

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@sozobe,

Ah, I think showing up for a while and moving off is better than some memorial page. No, not in the front of whatever is happening, not part of the drama, I'd actively refuse that. Just being there. No lot of talking.

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@farmerman,

Contribution to who, though? My own organization?

I will definitely send a card, the email was just an "oh my goodness I just heard, so sorry, anything I can do?" sort of thing. We were in the midst of planning our next meeting via email, so it would've been more awkward to say nothing than to mention it.

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@sozobe,

yeh why not?
Yeh, I see the need for an immediate note to let her know about how you found out. Its just that I saw ecards for all occasions including weddings and sympathy for e mail or G3 devices . Those I find a bit tacky, maybe in 20 years itlle be regular fare.

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@sozobe,

I think the card is sufficient.

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@sozobe,

I think you have to separate the two hats you are wearing; an acquaintance and fellow member of an organization the sisters belong to versus the president of the organization that is to receive donations in his honor.

Wearing the president's hat, I don't think you need to do a whole page on him and the contributions. If your organization has some kind of newsletter or blog with a "news in brief" column, you might write a brief paragraph to give condolences to the two sisters and add a 1-line mention of his request for donations to your organization. Maybe get a quote from the sisters about their father and his thoughts about the organization.

Wearing the acquaintance hat, a card or handwritten note will suffice.

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Funerals are for the living and it's a sign of respect to go. That said, if you don't know them all that well, you don't NEED to go. However, if you're going to be in touch with the daughters over the next while, you might want to. It's not a requirement or an expectation... it all depends on how you feel. Could you pop in for a bit and then leave, after giving them your condolences?

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Sufficient, sufficient, sufficient. Are we talking about politeness?

I don't mean, either, to go to all possible funerals to get members hopping.

I took it you had a recent connection to this woman. I don't say go to up your organization that I don't know that much about, as to show up as the person, who after all was moldering in a hospice. There was a life before that. I'm still getting over my parents after decades.

Typing is easy.

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@ossobuco,

Yeah, I know what you're saying. In this particular case, which is a bit unusual, I don't think that I'd provide any particular comfort to her. She's very very active in this community and has several concentric circles of people around her. The closest circle is made up of probably ten or so people, and I'm two or three circles out, in the company of literally hundreds of people. I don't think my being there or not will make any real difference to her.

I definitely think that showing up is the thing to do at this point, when I was talking about the memorial page it was in terms of in addition to going, not instead of.

My main concern was imposing/ overstepping boundaries, but I'm reassured from this that showing up at a funeral without an invitation is not usually a problem.

At this point I'm thinking show up and also cards for each sister (which is another question, send the cards? is there a place for them at the funeral? I wouldn't want to hand them over in person, seems like that'd be cumbersome).

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I sit on several boards. We sometimes send flowers at the death of board members relatives, but a card is also nice. (signed by the board)

If your relationship is more than a fellow board member, then go - as a friend.

Later, call them for suggestions on how to acknowledge their relative on the web site. A full page seems excessive for one person. Is there a Memorial page where ALL donations are listed?

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