Funeral Question

So I just got back from the funeral.

I was going to ask a question that seems to have already been addressed. Namely, the "calling hours" vs. the funeral itself.

When I received word about this whole thing, it was in the following form:



[details changed, obviously]

I thought the calling hours were like visitation/ viewing -- I thought that was about paying your last respects to the actual dead person. Since I didn't know him at all and am doing this out of respect for two of his daughters, I thought the funeral was the thing if I went to anything.

I sent an email to a fellow board member yesterday asking if she was going to the funeral. She wrote back today (she didn't get the email 'til then) saying that yes, she went to the funeral at 7:00 PM yesterday. (She used the word "funeral," but English is not her first language.)

Additionally, when I talked to the sister I'm closest to at the funeral (she seemed happy to see me), I relayed how many donations have already come in and she said that she'd gotten some nice cards etc. from people we know at the _____ (I forget what she called it, I don't think "calling hours" and definitely not "funeral").

So now I'm thinking that it would've been optimal for me to have gone to calling hours, but it was a nice gesture (especially as the president of our organization) to go to the funeral.

I went to the service only, not the internment or the lunch afterwards.

The funeral was made up of family, a lot of friends/ church members (the deceased had been very involved in that church his whole life), and a contingent of about 12 of us from the deaf community -- far fewer than I expected.

I don't think going to the funeral instead of calling hours was an outright gaffe -- again the sisters did seem happy to see me, and the board member who went to the "funeral" yesterday said that she was glad I went, and that she was sure that the sisters appreciated the support.

But I'm curious about what's most appropriate and seems from the discussion here that there are some regional variations. I'll keep asking around here and see what I can turn up. (All in terms of future reference, since this is done. I didn't send flowers. I will still be sending cards [haven't done that yet].)

Hey ehBeth, could you ask Set to show up with his take? He's a native and would probably know what's normal here although I'm sure there are variations by religion etc.

Thanks again to all for your advice.

The funeral is the public event. I'd assume the "calling hours" were the more private part. I don't think you made a gaffe at all.

I grew up catholic, lutheran's aren't that far removed. A wake is usually the night before, also known as the prayer service, since you can't prop a dead body in the corner of a home and drink like crazy in these parts. You'd probably be charged with disrespecting a corpse.
The funeral is normally done the next day. Both of these are usually are open to the public unless otherwise stipulated.

That rings true for our area (and our time) too - and you help me remember that there were either "rosaries" or wakes and not in my experience, both.

visitation?

Actually viewing the body in the casket. That's what we had for my grandma, and I also remembered another funeral I attended in California.

Just looked it up to see if it's a weird Midwesternism, here's Wikipedia:



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Funeral#Visitation

Merriam-Webster:


http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/visitation

(Emphasis mine.)

Thanks, Ceili.

It does sound kinda creepy huh, when you think about it...it almost sounds likes you expect the "guest of honor" to visit -

I prefer "wake" - although I always wondered on that as well - because it is the opposite not wake but more like sleep.

I knew what visitation meant, I wondered if that was the word your colleague had used.

visitation is what i'm familiar with

Oh OK. Nope, I don't think so. It's possible she never said the event's name, just said "yesterday" or something.

I still haven't wrapped my mind around the idea that the event with the open casket is sometimes more public than the funeral... I'll keep asking around and see how things are usually handled here.

On the one irish wake I remember, the doctor's wife's, no body there. That would have been weird in that circumstance. Maybe nowadays when they hold some of them in funeral parlors... and they are considered the same thing as 'visitation'.

In my earlier comment about a funeral and a yacht with whisky, I suppose I should elaborate a bit. My southern california family was derived of one whole family that moved to california in the early twenties from Boston, and had dispersed over the years to various areas, hours of driving away from each other.
So, what actually happened for family convenience, was an elaborate funeral mass at the church, the burial at the graveside, and then all drove to the aforementioned yacht for food and drinks - and that turned into your basic wild irish wake, sort of reverse timing. Luckily we didn't have to drive and stayed at a cousin's as my then new mate got more smashed than I've ever seen him, before or since. Memorable event.

It is also from around my parts New England area - the wake/visitation tends to be for everyone - I wonder because it is kind of like dropping in and less formal than the actual service? Usually you have a window of 2 hours - in the afternoon or evening to "visit" and give your condolences. The funeral is typically a service and then you can either go to the "burial" with another shorter service at the burial site and like others said - a reception type of thing afterwards.

I have gone to funerals in Montana - and they did not have a viewing/visitation or wake. They had a "viewing" time prior to service. And one in the Northeast - where it was a cremation and they held one service - type of thing without an official burial. I would guess it depends to on what the family wants.

Chai pretty much covered my actual take on all this...that attending any part of a funeral is a gesture of good will toward the family....it just shows that you care. The family {unless they are sedated too much, and that happens} will remember your thoughtfullness.

Most of the time here...in swamp east Mo, there is a viewing/visitation/wake....the night before the actual funeral service, then the next morning the funeral at the funeral home or a church, then the gravesite service....which is usually only a few min long....then it's off somewhere to eat.

Like I said last night, I usually only attend the viewing....but about a year ago, I went to a funeral and it left a really bad taste in my mouth....since then I have avoided the whole thing all together, except for the ones I had to attend...a much loved uncle, and my wifes grandmother.

I'll add that the viewings are rarely somber occasions, we tell stories and joke around and simply enjoy each others company....and when it comes down to it that's what it's really all about.