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How to handle my father going to my Grandma's funeral?

 
 
Baldimo
 
Reply Tue 21 Oct, 2008 07:15 am
I'm not sure how to handle this one. My grandma passed away this past weekend and her funeral is Saturday. Well I found out this morning after talking with my dad that he wants to go to the funeral. I love the idea but my mom and dad have been divorced for about 10 years, and it wasn't a pretty divorce. They haven't talked to each other directly since they separated and I don't want any issues. My father is going to drive my brother out there and he wants to pay his own respects. I told my dad that I should talk to my mom first before he makes his final decision.

What do the rest of you think? How should I approach my mom about this?
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Type: Discussion • Score: 5 • Views: 2,879 • Replies: 23
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chai2
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Oct, 2008 07:27 am
@Baldimo,
Your father has every right to pay his last respects to your grandmother.

I'm sure your father doesn't want to create a scene. To him, this is about your grandmother, not your mother.

Frankly, if there was going to be a scene, the responsibilty would be just as much, or maybe more, or entirely on your mother.....it's takes 2 to start an arguement. There's no reason for the 2 of them to even talk to each other.

Of course, it would be respectful of your father to briefly express his condolences to your mother, and it would be gracious of her to accept them.

If both of them are mature enough to leave it at that, things will be fine.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Oct, 2008 07:30 am
@chai2,
I agree, but also give your mom a heads up (just so she isn't thrown off guard) and I am sure you have spoken with your dad and he has most likely let you know that all he wants to do is pay his respects.
Baldimo
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Oct, 2008 07:34 am
@Linkat,
Linkat I'm digging the Mr. Limpit avatar.

Yeah I'm calling my mother in an or so to talk with her. It's just got me a little nervous. I respect my father for wanting to do this. I'm sure he loved my grandma as they knew each other for almost 30 years and to my knowledge they held no ill feelings toward each other because of the divorce. I'm really hoping this whole thing goes well.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Oct, 2008 07:38 am
@Baldimo,
As being an outsider it is difficult to know, but it is possible your mom might appreciate the thought.
0 Replies
 
Foxfyre
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Oct, 2008 07:52 am
@Baldimo,
Well, since I think no matter what the issues were in a divorce, apart from assault, battery, attempted murder etc., people who share kids of any age need to be able to be at least respectful of each other and this could possibly be an opportunity for that to happen.

Gut level, however, if your mom and grandmother were close, this is a time of grief for her that is probably not shared with him and adding a lot of additional pain to that is not appropriate. In your spot I would be honest with both. I would tell your mom that he will be with your brother and wants to pay his respects and is that acceptable to her? Hopefully enough time has passed that she will feel like she can handle it. If not, I would tell your dad how your mom feels about it and hope he will decide to do the more humane thing.

In the end they are both adults and they will have to make their own decisions, ugly scene or not. Your concerns of course are valid, but other than making sure your parents know what the deal is, you have no power in this situation.
0 Replies
 
Butrflynet
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Oct, 2008 08:50 am
@Baldimo,
Baldimo wrote:

I'm not sure how to handle this one. My grandma passed away this past weekend and her funeral is Saturday. Well I found out this morning after talking with my dad that he wants to go to the funeral. I love the idea but my mom and dad have been divorced for about 10 years, and it wasn't a pretty divorce. They haven't talked to each other directly since they separated and I don't want any issues. My father is going to drive my brother out there and he wants to pay his own respects. I told my dad that I should talk to my mom first before he makes his final decision.

What do the rest of you think? How should I approach my mom about this?



Your father will be there anyway, right? He's driving your brother to the event. Tell your mother that he would like to briefly pay his own respects to your grandmother and that he has offered to just remain in the car in the parking lot if it would be too upsetting to her for him to be at the funeral where he can also express his condolences to her. If that's the case, tell her your father will then pay his respects privately after your mother has left the area.

This puts the decision to be mature about it on your parents while still meeting your father's need to pay his respects to the woman who was the grandmother of his children and his mother-in-law for many years regardless of your mother's decision about his presence at the funeral.

By the way, I'm sorry for the loss of your grandmother, Baldimo. How are you doing when you aren't worrying about everyone else?
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Oct, 2008 09:28 am
@Linkat,
oh yeah, I meant to say to make sure your mother is informed....sorry.
0 Replies
 
Cliff Hanger
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Oct, 2008 09:35 am
@Baldimo,
I don't know the answer to this one, but I feel for you. It seems to me both your parents can put their personal issues aside to accomodate one another. The funeral is about your grandmother, a celebration of her life and death, not about your parents personal dramas they haven't been able to resolve over the years.

Then again, perhaps your parents will conduct themselves well. It's interesting to read your concerns, as I empathize with you and your anxiety.
Baldimo
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Oct, 2008 04:53 pm
@Cliff Hanger,
Thank you all for your concern. I was able to talk to my mother and she agreed to let my father come to the funeral. She seemed a little taken back but she agreed. Now lets hope everything goes well and no causes a scene. If everything goes well then all I have to look forward to is one of my childrens weddings and one of those is many years off.

Once again thanks to everyone who posted. They all helped.
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Oct, 2008 04:55 pm
@Baldimo,
nice
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Oct, 2008 04:56 pm
@Baldimo,
and graduations. Don't forget your kids' graduations.

Maybe this is a sign that they can both be civil adults. Not easy after an unhappy divorce, but 10 years may have given the distance to be civil. Not friendly, or friends - not all divorces allow that. Civil's good enough.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Oct, 2008 05:26 pm
Oh whew, I'm glad that's working out.

And, my condolences on the loss of your grandmother.
0 Replies
 
George
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Oct, 2008 05:39 pm
First, let me say I'm sorry for your loss.

Second, it sure sucks being caught in the middle, doesn't it?
I had a similar situation and it wound up having my father refuse to come to my
wedding. Ah... family!
Foxfyre
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Oct, 2008 05:42 pm
@George,
Yes, my father didn't come to mine to EVERYBODY's enormous relief.
George
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Oct, 2008 05:44 pm
@Foxfyre,
Quote:
Yes, my father didn't come to mine to EVERYBODY's enormous relief.

Same thing for mine!
Cliff Hanger
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Oct, 2008 05:31 am
@Baldimo,
I'm glad your mother took it okay. I was struck by the emotion in your post and how telling the Trauma of parents splitting up never goes away, it simply gets duller until something like this stirs things up again.
0 Replies
 
Bi-Polar Bear
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Oct, 2008 05:49 am
People from time to time used to express their sympathy to me for being isolated with little or no parental influence or interaction. I realize now it was a blessing. Family ....if only you could pick them.

My condolences on your loss.
BumbleBeeBoogie
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Oct, 2008 08:35 am
@Bi-Polar Bear,
when I was 23, I said goodby to the family into which I was adopted, vowing to never let them hurt me again. Smart move for me. My friends were more important.

Have any other adopted children felt out of place in their adopted family? I didn't learn I was adopted until I was ten years old. Then I realized why I felt the way I did. I was able to establish a strong and loving relationship with my birth family Aunt. It was only then that I felt like I had a real family.

BBB
0 Replies
 
Baldimo
 
  1  
Reply Mon 27 Oct, 2008 06:12 pm
Just an update to everyone.

Well my father ended up not showing up for the fureral. He said on Friday that he wasn't going to make it because he didn't have the money. I let out a big sigh of relief. It would have been nice to see him there but I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

Oh the only person who ended up making a scene was my mother when she accused everyone of being vultures for taking things from the house. Little known to my mom was a standing order from Grandma that family could come and take things of meaning to them. Poor mom she left early on Sunday because "she couldn't take it" oh well win some lose some.
 

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