I don't wanna go but feel like I gotta—

As tough as it is, I feel you have made the right decision. Not for him or his wife, but for the rest of the family.

Thanks Edgar. I believe that I have also (family members who have heard that I will be attending are already breathing a big sigh of relief) but the balancing act will be monumental. I can't pretend to be distraught but I don't want to appear too elated at seeing so much of the family (I'm going to meet cute little nieces and nephews I have never seen before!). It's going to be difficult, maintaining an even keel, whatever that is.

Sorry for your loss, eoe.

Do what you need to do for you. Don't worry what anyone else thinks about it. While there, think about taking the opportunity to remember the good moments with your brother and maybe make some new memories with your nephews and nieces.

Hey eoe...

gosh... sorry for you and your family loss

girl, you gotta do what you feel is right for... YOU

don't be put off or put out by what others may think or say - go for your reasons and for the sake of the family if you believe this is what you need to do.

((((eoe))) thoughts with you gal.

No, I don't think you're a hypocrite - when someone dies, you do what you have to, that's what's important

the past is the past, this is a farewell and you do it on any terms that you wish to.

Not sure if that helps in your thinking... but, only you know deep down whether this is an important step for you, and you alone. Hold your head high and dig deep in the patience department if anyone steps on your toes - be strong for you

(((eoe)))

x

Thanks everyone for your condolences.

I'm going to have to truck a suitcase full of patience with me. Of course this is a dicey moment for me as well, because of the strained relations, and I reeeeeally hope my sister-in-law doesn't get stupid. Even at 71, she's still the showy type and loves a good brawl.

I understand and think you made the right decision, however it works out.

My mother and aunt were extremely estranged from their two brothers over something similar, which I'll not go into. I was on their side (mother and aunt) but got very sick of hearing about it in my teen/young adult years, while in a way it was the cause of their lives during those years. At some point not more than a couple of years before my mother and aunt began to "fail", I went to a family thing at the key estranged uncle's house. (My cousins and I vowed this estrangement stuff would never happen with us....) My point is, that my mother was glad to hear about her brother, or at least very curious, and was visibly glad the family break was healing --- all at the same time she was still pissed as all get out at the brother. One of her fondest memories, that I heard about for many years, was how the whole family used to got to the beach for picnics back in the twenties..

I still have the family letters, that I haven't looked at since I put them in order aroud 1980. Not all of them are about that, but a goodly packet are, and are rage filled. Next time I run across them (I still have a lot of notebooks from my design days, and that notebook is probably in with them), I'll toss the whole thing.

I did work out a family tree from what I could gather, and may save a few of the earlier letters pre The Mess.

I have four older cousins, two have died, one is getting way up there and I'm not in touch with and not estranged from, and one, now 82, is still sparky and writes me at least once a year and vice versa. I've two younger cousins - and we're older too, but not thaaaaaaaat old.

With the two younger (see first paragraph and our vow re estrangement) we all met this last year, but things are iffy between the two sisters and one of them, the least likely if you had asked us years ago, is a serious friend now. But, hey, at least we got together. I have no idea what caused cousin #1 to swear off the rest of the family, and no waaay we got into it at that lunch.


All by way of saying, your funeral may turn out like my lunch with two cousins - ok, all acting well.

Adds, you, eoe, might understand that cousin #2 and I went to the Irvine Museum to loll about looking at art after we left cousin #1 and her husband... a way of getting ourselves back from the stiffness. This 'luncheon' was good, or relatively good, but also sad.

After reading that people are relieved your coming, and about your getting to see all the children, I betting it will work out more than ok. If not, calm...

Well, my best girlfriend will be having a Labor Day picnic on Sunday. By then I will have done my family duty (the funeral is Saturday) and declared free at that point to drop the facade of death. I'm sure she's on the phone now calling our friends to let them know I'm coming. She gives great picnics!

OK!!!

OK, I'm going to make a horrible comment.

(If you don't like horrible comments, then don't highlight the hidden text below.)

Just dance on his grave.

Funerals are important. They are more a time for the living to be together than anything else. I agree that you should go. Plus, maybe you'll come to some closure.

you know I couldn't resist, right?

My condolences to you and your family. As someone said, a funeral is for the living. The dead are no longer with us.

My grandfather had a falling out with her sister over something much less important than your situation. They did not speak for a couple of decades. She showed up at his funeral. We all talked, and realized how much time had been wasted in animosity.

She turned out to be the classiest member of my family, by far. I had not known her as a child, but enjoyed her company immensely as a young adult.

You're right. A funeral is for the living. That's why I decided to attend. It's not for him. It's not even for his wife and son. I thought of the obvious distraction if I wasn't there and how uncomfortable so many would be, our other brother in particular. He's broken up and I just couldn't let him do it alone.

Now that you've made the decision, it doesn't seem like anything else was ever possible.

Oh Roger, most indeed it was. When I first heard the news from a cousin, the idea of going was not even considered. It wasn't until after speaking with my brother and hearing how distressed he was that I began thinking I needed to be there for him. And I tussled with it as we must when presented with the idea of doing something you don't want to do but realizing that you may have to do, for the sake of others. As I spoke with other family members, it became more clear that my not attending would create such a mess and personally, I didn't want that on my conscience. That might make for a good Hollywood drama but real life is a bit more complicated, the moves we make more permanent. So, bite the bullet we must...grrrrrrr...

Sorry for your loss. I think you are making the right decision for many reasons. As you pointed out above, funerals are for the living and it sounds like you have a lot of family that were not involved in your inheritance issue who would like to have your support. Also, while this brother has been dead to you for 10 years, he was part of your life for sixty. For your sake, remember the decades of good times. Finally, now is the time to let it go completely if you possibly can. There's no need to hold a grudge against the wife or son.

My father had a falling out with his mother and he essentially wrote her off. She took her "revenge" by disinheriting him. Since he doesn't need any money, that only had the effect of transitioning the feud from his mother to his sister (who inherited). When my uncle died, my father attended the funeral but refused to come to the wake or meet with any family. It was depressing. I can't tell you how sad it made me to tell friends and relatives that my father wasn't there. Your relatives will have your presence to comfort and cheer them in their sorrow and that will mean a lot more than scoring a final point in a feud.

Sorry for your loss. I think you are definitely doing the right thing -- in particular for your remaining brother. Go and hold your head high.

I think you've done the right thing. You'll look like the bigger person for showing up, and no one needs to know the ulterior motive. Brilliant.